Dirty Little Secrets (20 page)

“Oh, no thanks, I’ll wait in the car for you.”

“What’s the problem? Who is it you don’t want to see?”

“Brian, go handle what you have to do. We’ll talk when you get back.” He shut the door, a bit put off by my attitude. Between
T-Roc and his flunkies, and Mark and his flunkies, I was bound to run into somebody I knew at the studio. I wanted to avoid
an encounter at all costs.

Brian was gone about fifteen minutes, but he came back with the same attitude he left with. He didn’t say two words to me
until we were sitting down in the American Park restaurant at Battery Park.

“Talk to me, Tyler. Tell me, what ghosts are haunting you?”

“Excuse me?” Brian’s question threw my mind in a tailspin.

“For someone so young, you are so intense. What has your mind so damaged?”

“I seem damaged to you?”

“To be quite honest? Hell, yeah—but I want to help you.”

“Help me? I’m beyond help.”

“Everyone can be helped, Tyler, but you can’t be afraid to let people in who want to help.”

I spent the rest of the evening divulging all my skeletons to Brian. My disastrous relationships with Ian and T-Roc, my momentary
bout as a rapper under the guidance of shady Mark, and even the nightmare I have every night of Trey blowing his brains out.
His face truly did haunt me. Eventually I even confessed how my lies destroyed my relationship with Patrick.

Brian sat and listened without interrupting me once. He was so sweet and attentive. With other industry cats I dealt with,
it was all about them. Their attention came with strings attached. Brian seemed to genuinely care about the demons I was fighting.
He was extremely humble and down to earth, especially for a producer of his status. Not once did he make a move on me. He
never so much as tried to kiss me, and unlike Ian, Brian was intellectually stimulating. The combination of his mind and the
physical attraction drew me in.

When we pulled up to my apartment, I couldn’t hold back. “Brian, will you give me a kiss good night?” I asked, wondering if
I sounded as innocent as I felt. Brian leaned toward me, and when his lips and tongue touched mine the chemistry was undeniable.
I got butterflies in my stomach and that tingling feeling. It was amazing.

That night my mind was filled with all sorts of thoughts. I kept tossing and turning, thinking maybe he wasn’t any good in
bed because he wasn’t putting the moves on me. I wondered if he was lacking in the area where it counted. I decided to nip
my thoughts in the bud. I needed to find out what was going on down there. If he was lacking, there was nothing I could do
for him besides be his new best friend.

In my opinion if two people aren’t sexually compatible, the relationship is dead before it has even started. Several elements
go into making a relationship work, but at the end of the day when they are having problems like every relationship does,
then sex is important. If the two don’t have enough passion and lust to make love and forget their differences for just a
moment, then how are they ever going to get through any real storms? I had to know if Brian and I were compatible sexually,
because I was falling for him.

“It’s beautiful out here tonight,” I said as Brian and I took a nighttime stroll through Central Park. We were laughing and
holding hands when I suggested, “Why not play a game of truth-or-dare?”

“Truth-or-dare… you’re taking it way back to junior high school.”

“We can play the adult version.”

“Which is?”

“Truth-or-dare and take off your clothes.”

“We can skip all that. How ’bout I just dare you to strip down right now?” I glanced around the park and not a soul was in
sight. I went behind a tree and reappeared in my midnight-blue bra and panties. Brian scanned me up and down and said, “That’s
not naked; you basically have on a bikini.”

“Really?” with that, I unclipped my bra and slid out of my panties. The whole episode was turning me on.

“That’s more like it,” Brian said with greed in his eyes. Although I could see how much he wanted me, I respected the way
he took his time crossing my path. His hands were touching my skin and gently exploring my body. He obviously had never done
any sort of manual labor, because his hands were as soft as a baby’s. His touch was sending chills down my spine. His lips
melted on my neck, and the nighttime summer breeze on my naked body escalated my arousal. The kisses became more and more
passionate, and I wanted to be with him right under the tree. I rubbed down his pants for a spot check, but with his big baggy
jeans it was impossible to get a read. I decided to take my chances. This had to happen tonight.

Between kisses and heavy panting I managed to say, “Brian, I want you now; I can’t wait.”

“Right here under the tree? Tyler, there is nothing but dirt and grass here.”

“Well, let’s go back to my place.” I threw my clothes on, and we headed to his car. Once inside we could barely keep our hands
off one another. I was so anxious and overcome with desire that I demanded he pull over.

“You want me to pull over?” Brian asked in disbelief.

“Yes, please,” I said in an I-want-you-so-bad tone. Realizing how serious I was, he looked for a quiet place to pull over.

I stripped off my clothes as Brian parked the car. Luckily he was pushing a Range, so there was plenty of room to make it
happen. Once he was in the backseat, the fervent kisses back and forth were in full swing. My curiosity was driving me wild.
For a minute I thought about LL Cool J’s song “Back Seat (of My Jeep).” When I watched the video, I imagined playing a part
in one of the scenes, and now the experience was happening to me.

I eagerly undressed Brian, starting with his pants. He stepped in and took off his boxers. I ogled his better half for the
first time. Wow, he definitely had nothing to be ashamed of, and he wasn’t holding back out of embarrassment. As a matter
of fact he was on point; I couldn’t have created a more perfect size. I wanted him inside me, and when he entered we became
one.

During our ride home Brian and I continued our fervent kisses, and while he ran his fingers through my hair, he grabbed it
tightly. He turned my face toward his so we were eye-to-eye, and he asked, “Why are you trying to make me love you?” His mood
surrounding the question was eerie yet powerful.

“Because I need you to love me,” I said intensely. You know me; I love intense because intensity spells drama and drama spells
stimulation—everything I crave in a relationship.

After our night of passion we were inseparable. Even though we loved to talk and laugh at one another, we loved being in the
bed even more; our favorite pastime bonded us.

In the beginning of our relationship I don’t want to call what we did making love because it was more like obsessive sex.
Our lust for one another absorbed our whole minds. We would do it anywhere at anytime. Brian couldn’t get enough of my insatiable
appetite for sex. It was never enough for me, and I only craved it from him.

“Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z was blaring from my CD player, and I danced in front of the full-length mirror like I was the star
of his video. While pretending to be Jigga, I was getting dressed to go to the movies with Brian. When my phone rang, I didn’t
bother to look at caller ID because I knew it was him telling me to hurry up. “Brian, I’m almost ready.”

“Who’s Brian?” a serious voice asked, sounding exactly like Ian. The last time I’d heard his voice was when he came to see
me at the Ritz-Carlton in Dearborn. After Ian knocked me unconscious, he had TJ take me to the emergency room. Of course,
TJ told the nurses and doctor I’d had an accident, and when I finally woke up I backed his story. Although the nurses took
it upon themselves to call the police because of the bruise on my face, I stuck to my story that the lights were off and I
hit my head on the stairwell and tripped and fell. The officers didn’t seem convinced, but they couldn’t prove otherwise.
Of course the doctor informed me I had lost the baby, which wasn’t a big surprise. I stayed in the hospital for a couple of
days, and when I checked out, TJ picked me up.

TJ drove me to the hotel, gave me a room key, and told me Ian would come see me later. When Ian arrived he could barely make
eye contact with me. It was like going through my ordeal with Patrick all over again, but this time I didn’t kill the baby,
Ian did. Out came that same envelope. This time there was no cash but a check.

“Take this,” Ian said as he handed me the envelope.

“What is this? I don’t want your money, Ian.” When I spoke
those words, I meant it. “If this is hush money, you can take it back. I’ll never tell the police or tabloids what really
happened,” I said solemnly. I considered myself responsible for Ian’s actions. No way would I bring him further humiliation
by letting the world know he caused me to have a miscarriage because I didn’t know if he or his cousin was the father.

“No, it isn’t hush money. I know you would never do that.”

“Then what is it for?”

“Because I can’t be with you anymore, Tyler; it would hurt too much. But the baby you were carrying could’ve been mine, and
I was the cause of its death. That will fuck with me for the rest of my life.”

“This money isn’t going to change that.”

“Maybe not, but I’m hoping it will ease my conscience. The rent for your apartment is paid up for the rest of the year. This
money will hold you over until you decide what you want to do.”

“I don’t want it. This is guilt money, and the only one who should feel guilty is me. Ian, I’m so sorry, but you have to believe
that I love you and I never wanted to be with T-Roc. After I caught you with those girls, my heart was broken and I felt alone.
T-Roc was there to console me, although I eventually found out he set it up to work out that way. If you could only forgive
me, I know we can make this work.” I walked toward Ian and put my arms out to hold and feel his embrace, but he motioned for
me to stop.

“Don’t.” Ian’s voice quavered. “I don’t know what will happen in the future, but right now there’s no way I can be with you,
Tyler. The whole T-Roc situation is fucked up, but it doesn’t change the fact that you let my cousin inside what I thought
belonged to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that, but I do ask one thing of you.”

“What’s that?”

“Under no circumstances do I want you to go back to my cousin. This money should hold you over for a while, and if you do
need something, call me. Don’t call him. If you ever truly gave a fuck about me, then do what I ask.”

“I will do that. I promise I will never have anything to do with T-Roc again.” Ian turned around and walked out the door.
I opened the envelope, and there was a one-way plane ticket to New York and a check for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Once again Ian was using his money to control my life, even if he wasn’t going to be in it. For a minute I considered how
I could chill with this type of money and not worry financially, but then this was blood money. This check was a substitution
for the unborn child Ian took away from me. I ripped the check into tiny pieces and flushed them down the toilet. That was
the only way I could free myself from the guilt and pain of my sins. Now here it was six months later and Ian was on the phone,
questioning me as if he had never left my life.

“Brian is a friend of mine,” I answered, as if it was my duty.

“Your friend, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I was checking up on you because you never cashed the check. Are you maintaining financially, or is your friend handling
that for you?”

“I’m okay. I’ve been working a part-time job and going to school.”

“Why didn’t you cash the check, Tyler?”

“I didn’t want your money, that’s all, and honestly I don’t want to discuss it any further.”

“Well, can we discuss us?” Ian said seriously.

“What about us?”

“Tyler, I was beyond pissed with you a few months ago, but every day when I wake up and before I go to sleep at night, you’re
all I think about. I want to give us another try. I still love you.” Ian’s words were bittersweet. I questioned whether Ian
ever loved me, but it didn’t matter because I now loved someone else. Brian had become so important to me. The first few weeks
of us talking for hours and hours, I shared my private thoughts and experiences with him—things I had never shared with anyone.
When we made love for the first time, we connected emotionally and physically and it was perfect. We clicked, and Brian was
definitely somebody I wanted to share my life with.

“Ian, I yearned to hear those words from you again, but it’s too late. The friend I spoke of is more than that. I love him.
He understands me and he loves me too.”

“Tyler, you couldn’t share the same love with him that we have.”

“I don’t even know if what we shared was love. Maybe we fulfilled a void in each other’s lives—your need to control and my
need to be controlled.”

“No matter what you think, I do love you, and I want you back. If you believe this other guy can make you happy, then I won’t
try to come between that. But, Tyler, if you ever need me, call me.”

I stared at the phone after Ian hung up. He was supposed to be my Prince Charming, but he wasn’t after all.

“Yo, Eddie Murphy was so funny back then,” I giggled, as Brian and I sat on my couch watching
Raw.

“Yeah, he was a funny cat. Now he’s white-bread all-American. He’s definitely not the same Eddie Murphy who came in this game
starving and had us crying on
Saturday Night Live.
”

“You ain’t never lied,” I hollered, agreeing with Brian.

“Losing that hunger is what makes you lose your edge. You have to always go at something like it’s your first and could be
your last.”

“Is that how you should proceed in relationships too?”

“Yes, if you believe you’ve found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Just like I think you might be the
one, so I’m keeping you under my thumb.”

“Oh, that’s why we spend so much time together? You want to make sure no one swoops me up.”