Dirty Sign Language: Everyday Slang from "What's Up?" to "F*%# Off!" (Dirty Everyday Slang) (13 page)

BOOK: Dirty Sign Language: Everyday Slang from "What's Up?" to "F*%# Off!" (Dirty Everyday Slang)

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I feel like crap.

CHAPTER 5

HORNY SIGN LANGUAGE

Congratulations! You’ve just met some seriously smokin’ deafie at the bar and, using your dirty new signs, things are going smashingly well. We’re happy to take all the credit. Unfortunately, you’ve gotten to the point where it’s time to make your move and take this hottie home. Feeling a little nervous? You’re probably wondering if your regular moves and foreplay are going to cross the language barrier. Not to worry, we’ve got you covered.

First off, flirting and talking dirty is incredibly fun in sign language—you can do right in public and nobody catches a thing. Sure, you might make your soon-to-be partner blush, but those nasty things you’re saying are for their eyes only.

Once you’re alone and things are getting hot, feel free let your hands go silent and focus on more important things. Facial expressions and body language are the key to good foreplay when your hands are occupied and you can’t be heard, so pay attention and save your lingual dexterity for the fun stuff.

•••••
Fucking

I wanna …

Let’s go to your place and…

fuck.

have a quickie.

make a twin sandwich.

tossed salad.

dry hump.

I’m horny.

I’d like to bone her.

VOLUME CONTROL: DO YOU HAVE IT?〉〉〉

Being deaf and not knowing how much sound you’re making can lead to some fun situations. What happens when your deaf girlfriend has both a very easy-to-understand speaking voice and an insatiable sexual appetite? Pure, unadulterated awkwardness. In crowds, brace yourself for the occasional, “I want your cock,” in front of a vacationing family, or the shouted “You wanna have a threesome?” while your mother is in the next room. Then there’s the bedroom, where the guttural grunts and shrieking moans of love making tend to have the volume turned way the fuck up. Don’t blush if you try to sneak in a quickie only to have a rousing round of applause from the partygoers in the next room. Hope you don’t embarrass too easily.

•••••
Positions

I wanna…