Disastrously Fabulous: A Novel of Loves, Betrayals and New Beginnings (7 page)

“Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I'm most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.”

~ Anne Hathaway ~

Having to leave Max was yet another major lifestyle adjustment, and I decided to take the opportunity to enter the field of broadcasting.

Using my connections, I got a radio broadcasting apprenticeship program. Theoretically, I was primed for success. Realistically, there were few openings and just not enough money in radio when you have no real following. Broadcasting turned out to be a savage business that left me feeling vulnerable and helpless.

With twins to look after, and an ex-husband facing serious charges and time in prison, I needed stability, fast.

Over the years rubbing shoulders with high society taught me a thing or two. I had developed skills. They may not have been the kind of skills that automatically make a person rich, but I could definitely use them in another field.

When an opening arose with a big financial company, I jumped at the chance. It was decent pay and the people there were motivated to succeed. I targeted wealthy clients, and connected with them because of my past life as one of the super-rich. It was the most direct path to success for me. I did well in this challenging career because I had a natural knack for selling to top tier clients.

The twins were adjusting to life without their father. They still saw each other as often as time would allow, but Max had a lot on his plate. The biggest thing for Max, I think, was realizing that he couldn't just have whatever he wanted any more.

For the first time in my life I felt responsible for my own family unit. I had twins, and I was alone. I had my own job, and my own apartment. I was bringing in decent amounts of money, even if I couldn't afford what I once could.

These were some of the hardest, yet some of the most invigorating days of my life. I relearned the price of things, and began to value what I had twice as much.

I swore off men for a while. My heart suffered considerably after Max, and I was hyper suspicious of any man who took interest in me purely because of my looks. I didn't want to end up with another cheater, though a part of me also accepted that most men would cheat if they could.

My girlfriends and I came to the conclusion that love relationships were almost pointless, and much harder to sustain in an unequal marriage, or where the man has all of the power. With unlimited resources come endless curiosity, we would say. Most men couldn't control themselves.

I had spent enough time rebuffing advances from other men at those parties. I could only begin to imagine how much more aggressive some women would be with a powerful man. It made me melancholy and a little ill inside to think about it.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let the twins grow up to be players, crushing hearts—and that was that. I let it go. I focused on my work and doing well for my family. I took on more and more clients, and earned commission to match.

I forgot about men and partying, and living like a member of the super-rich. Things were normal, peaceful. Then after a few years, another man stepped into my life. It took me by surprise, just as much as it took him by surprise. My days of romance were far from over.

CJ was referred to me by a friend, as a client who was looking for a financial advisor. He was tall, far taller than any man I had been with and in control, he knew what he wanted. When I first met him, he told me that he graduated from Wharton Business School and that he worked at Merrill Lynch.

There was something dark and brooding about CJ that attracted me to him. Plus, he was comfortably well-off, allowing a lifestyle of relative luxury.

The first time CJ asked me on a date, I declined — but we kept meeting for financial management discussions and things progressed from there. He was blessed with a deep magnetic pull, something that was very desirable for me at the time.

It was something of a whirlwind romance. He kept asking, and eventually I lost the will to refuse him. To a single mother of a two, a man in charge was an attraction. Of course, I had no idea how in charge CJ liked to be.

When we were at restaurants, he ordered for me. When we were shopping, he picked out my clothes. He was possessive in a way that I had never experienced before. The love was intense and overwhelming—finally a man who wanted to spend all of his time with me!

CJ and I spent entire weekends together, shutting out the world and delighting in the passion we found together. Once again, I was flying on cloud nine. He did everything right. CJ was the perfect gentleman, and he showed me off to his friends and family like I was the most amazing jewel in the room.

Every now and then in those early days he got jealous, too. Even though he was dashing and handsome, he always lingered when I spoke to other men and complained heavily about it afterwards.

“It’s just cause I love you, babe,” he explained. I liked that, because I wanted to be the center of his entire worlds. I believed that CJ was the man I’d been searching for.

In many ways, CJ was the opposite of Max. He was always in control and knew what was happening with his money. He was very demanding and knew what he wanted from life. He was proud to be a strait-laced, honest man.

On paper, CJ was one of the best things at that time - that happened to me. We flew to Nice, France for the weekend and he proposed with a five-carat flawless diamond ring. It was a moment filled with ecstasy, and I gladly accepted his proposal—my heart full of love and joy again.

After the engagement, we moved in together, and that was when things started to go awry. The apartment in the Metropolis Building in Long Island City that we bought together had both of our names on the deed. I really had to fight for it, but I insisted and he gave in.

Living with CJ became a considerable nightmare. It was like a switch had been flipped the moment I agreed to marry him. Suddenly his money was more important than mine. He insisted on taking ownership of things that belonged to me. His natural air of leadership dissolved into control-seeking behaviors.

CJ and I went to trade in my car, and he paid in a little extra so that I could get a Porsche, a car I always wanted. Because of that, he demanded that his name go in the contract as co-owner. At first, I was confused by it but deep down I knew it was wrong. Was CJ trying to control me by taking control of everything I owned?

I heard about men like this from my friends. Before CJ, all the men I dated were generous people. They let me live my life, and I let them live theirs. But CJ was different. He had been growing considerably more jealous and controlling since we moved in together. He said things like, “Are you going to wear that out? What message does it send?” and “you’re not hanging out with her again, are you? I don’t like her.”

Within three months of living with CJ, I realized what a mistake I made. I had agreed to marry a control freak who wouldn't be happy until I was doing everything he told me to do. We fought constantly, because was not the kind of woman to submit to a man’s will.

One evening we had a particularly bad fight, and I told him I didn't want to marry him anymore. He grabbed my hand and pulled off my engagement ring. Then he stormed out of the apartment, like I set him on fire.

I immediately messaged him and apologized, because I felt so guilty. He made me feel like saying those words was the same as stabbing him in the back. No one could make me feel guilt like CJ could.

But that was what it was like being with CJ. If you hurt him, he hurt you back twice as badly. We made up and I got my ring back, but I sensed that marrying CJ would be a fundamental mistake of epic proportions.

Then, on a photo shoot that I booked in Bermuda, I took my engagement ring off and lost it at Elbow Beach. I searched all day and got every staff member involved, but I couldn't find it. I suspected someone had stolen it.

Worse yet was the fear that was setting in my heart. How was I going to explain to CJ that I lost my engagement ring? He wouldn’t believe me. He would accuse me of cheating on him. He would go crazy that I lost his precious, expensive ring.

There was no choice but to return home and face the music with CJ. I explained what had happened and waited for the blow out.

“That’s fine, honey, you are insured right?” he asked me.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Okay then. Claim from insurance and give me the cash back. You’ve already had your ring and you’ve lost it. Now I want my money returned.”

“What do you mean? Are you punishing me for losing the ring?”

He smiled at me. “It’s clear you can’t look after something so valuable, so we will get you something smaller. It will be much better for you.”

I had a big problem with CJ and I knew it. From that point I was like a magnet for his abusive comments. I would have to break it off. Still raw from my recent divorce, and now tied into financial constraints with CJ, I felt like I had stepped into a Vietnamese bamboo trap.

“Once you learn to be happy, you won’t tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.”

~ Germany Kent ~

Why did I fall for every man that I was attracted to? I sat up on the king size bed in my New York apartment, looking out over the city—remembering those feelings of helplessness with CJ. Then I still managed to get involved with Burt after that. And now this. Again! I was an idiot.

The bed felt cold under my body and the room was silent. The nanny was doing her job with James in the other room. I wanted to disappear. Somehow, my choice in men was strange. I felt a volcano of emotions waiting to erupt inside me.

Part of me wanted to set my closet on fire; another part didn't want to let it go. ‘This is what happens when you live inside a man’s life’ I told myself. I thought I had learned my lessons. But life never stopped teaching me new lessons.

I leaned over and picked up the phone, which was on Burt’s side of the bed. It rang once, twice…three times. My father answered, “Hello?”

“Hi Dad. Listen, could I come stay with you two for a few days?” I asked tentatively.

“Ah, child, what happened?”

“Burt is cheating on me. I need time to think about things and find somewhere to live.”

“Well, you are always welcome here, Crystal. You pack your stuff and I’ll send your mother over with the car to help you.”

I hung up, feeling raw and tingly. A mild heat was building up all around me turning my skin cold. I was walking through the gauntlet again.

I truly believed that Burt was the man I had waited for my entire life. He seemed honest, at least in his business dealings—a good and attentive father, a kind and generous man to me. He had Tad’s carefree spirit and Barry and Max’s ambition. There was even an intensity about him that I enjoyed in CJ.

I had given up my steady career being a financial advisor to be with him. Was I fated to make the same mistakes over and over, doomed to throw my life away for love every time?

I bustled into the adjoining room where my enormous digital closet was housed.

It was glorious. And now I would probably have to build a new life again. I pulled out the bags the maid had just finished unpacking from our Cabo trip, and threw this and that into it. I packed with a kind of sour determination.

At that moment, I hated men. All of them! When I thought of the relationships that had ended because of another woman, my stomach fermented with sour resentment. I threw top after top into my bag, unable to choose what to take with me. I was caught in a hail of designer wear.

Eventually, I collapsed onto my couch, tears streaming down my face once more. I would move out. I didn't have choice. I wouldn't be a man’s plaything, a toy to be used when his other toys were not available. I was worthy of respect and dignity. I deserved a good and honest man.

The nanny poked her head into the closet room. “Are you okay, Ms.?”

I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes.

“I’m okay, thank you. Just make sure that James is happy. We may have to pack some of his things. We’re leaving this house… tonight.”

She nodded and returned to my son, who was messing around with some of his Star Wars Lego.

That was the worst of it. I would have to rip James away from his father, and all because he couldn't behave himself. The twins and James would have to live with me in whatever home I could make for them. That was life.

I would never consider staying. More damage could be done to kids when they see their mother allowing their father to treat them badly. I wouldn't let my kids grow up to be as careless with their hearts. They would learn to treat women well.

At the time I met Burt, CJ and I were barely holding our relationship together. With every controlling slur, he pushed me away.

I met a charming gentleman who was referred to me by a friend for a financial advisor meeting.

I usually dislike it when my clients bring along other people. Those tend to waste time and ask questions that have nothing to do with the plan I am trying to sell. But the gentleman brought along his key man, Burt.

That first meeting I could tell from Burt’s body language and general vibe that he found me attractive. He staged a little fight with his fiancée, and then told me how their engagement was coming to an end. We bonded over our relationships that were both ending.

That glorious day, he signed and locked me down as his financial advisor. Soon after that Burt started visiting me at my office, for all sorts of reasons - he needed me to look at a clause in his policy or he wanted to meet me for lunch to discuss expanding his benefits.

I told him very clearly at first that I was in no position to date. I was still engaged, and I had to figure out how to end it peacefully, without drama. Burt took that as a challenge, and suddenly we were on a double date together.

CJ didn't like Burt one bit; I think he could feel the vibes between us. I can’t say that Burt’s fiancée like me either; she could also feel the sexual energy flying back and forth over the table. By the end of the night, she stormed off in a huff.

While CJ was in the bathroom, Burt hugged me goodbye. I inhaled his scent – clean and fresh as if he had just stepped out of the shower, with a luxurious woody aftershave. That was when I knew I wanted him. I melted into his arms.

By the time I arrived home with CJ and he started his usual jealous tirades, I had already decided that I would have a fling with Burt.

The next day Burt messaged me. We started going to long lunches together, and this progressed to nights out on the town. I would tell CJ that I needed to attend business meetings or chill with friends.

I made more and more excuses to CJ so that I could be with Burt who came with me to parties. Suddenly I was being wooed by my kind of man all over again. I had not realized it at the time, but Burt was major league. Best of all, he was a dream lover. Everything about him aroused me, from his soft touch to his way with people. He demanded respect, but he treated people well. He was generous, but never to an extreme excess. He was suave, smart, and full of life.

My heart was already limping around from the disaster of my previous marriage and my impending break-up with CJ. Burt was my white knight in shining armor, come to save me from the mistakes of my past.

Every time I went out with Burt, I came home to CJ. He looked at me with increasing suspicion, which didn't do anything but irritate me.

Between going to parties with Burt and being controlled by CJ, I was in a kind of Catch 22 situation. Out of respect for the passion that we had once shared, I hung in there. I wanted to see if CJ could stop his controlling nature and return to the man I had fallen for some months before that. I guess what I was doing didn’t help the situation, but it was his own fault.

Burt would spend long hours talking to me about breaking it off with CJ. He took the first step and broke it off with his fiancée, but made it clear it wasn't because of me. I appreciated that.

For a while I had been worried that if he could cheat on her, he could eventually cheat on me. All I knew was that Burt wanted me, and he would do anything to have me. I needed to feel that way.

Now wondered if he had pursued Layaho, or whoever his new mistress was, with the same energy and enthusiasm he had once applied to courting me. Did they start meeting for long lunches? He already admitted that they reached that stage.

Had he hugged her in the same way he hugged me? My insides turned cold. All of those nights when Burt said he had to work late. Is anything real in this world? Does love ever last? A broken heart is a heavy thing to carry around with you. Disastrously…Heavy!

I justified my actions to myself: I was doing this because CJ was so cruel to me. I was afraid of what he would do if I wanted to leave him. Would he try and take my car and the apartment? Everything had been so uncertain then—everything but my blossoming love for Burt. That bastard!

I was tempted throw all of his clothes out of the window, just to get the satisfaction of seeing them flutter to the ground below. Then I tucked those wild thoughts away. I wouldn’t want to cause an accident in the street.

Burt might be a player, but I had done my fair share of playing as well. Perhaps this was the universe telling me that the right man was yet to come into my life.