Authors: Lisa M. Cronkhite
Disconnected (16 page)
I was a child when my breath caught the warmth
of summer, playing an innocent game of tag between
the school grounds and the shadows of the trees.
I was supposed to chase her through the green
as we drove into an older part of life. Be right
behind her with everythingâwatch over her.
I stopped at the light as she proceeded to cross
the path without looking. She thought I would follow
in the shadows of the neighborhood like before.
I grew up when our eyes met with oncoming reality
blinkingâtag, you're it, not meaning to kill her
feelings after our mind split.
I was diagnosed Bipolar with psychotic features in June of 2004. I remember the day like it was yesterdayâa horrid nightmare that marred my reality. It was the day I had my first bipolar episode. And from that day on, nothing's ever been the same. I used to write when I was a teen, keeping a journal, but it wasn't until my doctor suggested writing as a coping skill that I wrote daily. That was ten years ago and in those ten years, I've grown to overcome the illness and manage it with medication, regular doctor visits, a healthy diet, and writing every day.
The first six years after diagnosis were the roughest years in my life. I went on to have several more bipolar episodesâfrom running half-naked in the streets asking for God to take me away, to demolishing the family car in a severe car crash. And in my depression stages, I lost a year and a half of my life, barely functioning to get out of bed. I missed my son's hockey season; I've missed my daughter's softball; and a whole slew of others things all because I couldn't find a way out of my own mind. In those moments, I wasn't in control. It was the biggest battle of my life and I was at war with myself for years. But writing has always kept me at bay. And miraculously, through the grace of God, I'm still hereâfor a reason. Because I believe everything happens for a reason.
Finally, the crash was the biggest wake-up call of them all. I wanted to fight for my life again and regain control, any way I knew how. But to do that, first I needed to forgive myself for having a mental illness. It's not my fault. It's no one's fault. I didn't make the mental illness happen. I had to realize that I couldn't fight this illness myself, because it was beyond my control. So I decided to ask the Big Guy in the sky for help, to give me the strength to accept my mental illness, and to move on with my life. And with the support of my family and friends and always keeping the faith, even in the darkest corners of my mind, my life has changed for the better.
For more information on mental illness, please visit:
National Alliance on Mental Illness:
www.nami.org/
The National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
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