Disinformation Book of Lists (28 page)

147. “We Got the Spread” (“Nude, but click here to bet now! NFL odds”)

148. “Beach Girls” (“Forget Aging and Dieting forever”)

149-150. “First Time” (for both “Wholesale prescription medications at bargain prices” and “Term-life coverage at reduced rates is now available”)

151-152. “I can come” and “Corrupted existentially” both lead to weight-loss messages.

153. And finally, here's my own personal favorite spam, which came from
DarkProfits.com
. The subject line reads: “Your credit card has been Charged for $234.65”—which leads to the following message, headlined “Important Notice:”

We have just charged your credit card for money laundry service in amount of $234.65 (because you are either child pornography webmaster or deal with dirty money, which require us to laundry them and then send to your checking account). If you feel this transaction was made by our mistake, please press “No.” If you confirm this transaction, please press “Yes” and fill in the form below. Enter your credit card number here.

Enter your credit card expiration date.

In the immortal words of Bart Simpson, “I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.”

 

1

“If you're not going all the way, why go at all?”
–Joe Namath

2

“Those who restrain Desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.”
–William Blake

3

“Erotic impulses are a never-ending source of ingenious, even wondrous constructions. Almost any object or body function can be eroticized.”
–Robert J. Stoller, M.D., sexologist and psychiatry professor at UCLA

4

“When a woman has tasted a dog, she will never want a man again.”
–court transcript of “an unnamed 19th-century English serving girl”

5

“Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.”
–Remy de Gourmont

6

“Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.”
–Harlan Ellison

7

“The sex relation is not a personal relation. It can be irresistibly desired and rapturously consummated between persons who could not endure one another for a day in any other relation.”
–George Bernard Shaw

8

“Playing to lose is like sleeping with your sister. Sure, she's a great piece of tail with a blouse full of goodies, but it's just illegal”
–“Topper Harley” (Charlie Sheen) in
Hot Shots!

9

“Marriage finds its natural fulfillment in adultery.”
–Simone de Beauvoir

10

“I also see sex in the joining windows, in the archways of doors, on the pattern a fence makes on the ground, in shadows. Who is to say those myriad of angles we see every day are not joined sexually?”
–Andrei Codrescu,
The Repentance of Lorraine
, 1973

11

“A sexual desire holds no interest for me unless it is accompanied by love, and for love I would leave everything.”
–Benjamin Péret, Surrealist poet

+ Religion

The Good Book is so pornographic and violent that several goodly Christians tried to make it fit for family reading, publishing five such versions in a 37-year period.

 

1

In 1796, the Bishop of London put out a Bible in which each chapter was rated with one of four designations. The fourth designation—which was actually no designation at all—was given to the nasty parts.

2

Swedenborg follower John Bellamy offered a G-rated version in 1818.

3

1824 saw the publication of The New Family Bible and Improved Version, which took a scalpel to the “offensive” parts.

4

Soon after, a Quaker released a Bible with the naughty bits toned down and printed in italics so they could easily be avoided (or easily read).

5

Legendary lexicographer Noah Webster, who created the first English-language dictionary, published a heavily reworded edition in 1833.

1

God burns whiners alive

And when the people complained, it displeased the L
ORD
: and the L
ORD
heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the L
ORD
burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp. [Numbers 11:1, King James]

2

God poisons complainers

And the people spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food.” Then the L
ORD
sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many people of Israel died. [Numbers 21:5-6, New American Standard]

3

Smashing babies on rocks is a good thing

O Daughter of Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us—he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. [Psalms 137:8-9, New International]

4

An angel commits mass murder

That night the angel of the L
ORD
went out and put to death a hundred and eighty-five thousand men in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning—there were all the dead bodies! [2 Kings 19:35, New International]

5

God commits genocide of babies

At midnight the L
ORD
struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the firstborn of all the livestock as well. [Exodus 12:29, King James]

6

God causes cannibalism

[God says:] I will make them eat the flesh of their sons and daughters, and they will eat one another's flesh during the stress of the siege imposed on them by the enemies who seek their lives. [Jeremiah 19:9, New International]

7

God demands heads

And the L
ORD
said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the L
ORD
against the sun, that the fierce anger of the L
ORD
may be turned away from Israel. [Numbers 25:4, King James]

8

God commands slaughter and rape

[Moses says:] Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man. [Numbers 31:17-18, New International]

9

God commands genocide and plunder

[Moses says:] And the L
ORD
said unto me, Behold, I have begun to give Sihon and his land before thee: begin to possess, that thou mayest inherit his land. Then Sihon came out against us, he and all his people, to fight at Jahaz. And the L
ORD
our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people. And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain: Only the cattle we took for a prey unto ourselves, and the spoil of the cities which we took. [Deuteronomy 2:31-35, King James]

10

God commands slaughter, rape, and plunder

When the L
ORD
your God delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. And you may use the plunder the L
ORD
your God gives you from your enemies. [Deuteronomy 20:13-14, New International]

11

God assists slaughter and mutilation

When Judah attacked, the L
ORD
gave the Canaanites and Perizzites into their hands and they struck down ten thousand men at Bezek. It was there that they found Adoni-Bezek and fought against him, putting to rout the Canaanites and Perizzites. Adoni-Bezek fled, but they chased him and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and big toes. [Judges 1:4-6, New International]

12

Gang rape, murder, and dismemberment

While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”

The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this disgraceful thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don't do such a disgraceful thing.”

But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight. When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, “Get up; let's go.” But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home. When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel. [Judges 19:22-29, New International]

13

God gives men tumors and boils on their genitals

And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither. And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the L
ORD
was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts [i.e., tumors and boils on their genitals]. [1 Samuel 5:8-9, King James]

14

David collects foreskins

David and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage. [1 Samuel 18:27, New International]

15

Amnon rapes his sister, then kicks her out

Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.”

“Don't, my brother!” she said to him. “Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.”

But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!” [2 Samuel 13:10-15, New International]

16

God mutilates jeering youngsters via two bears

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the L
ORD
. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. [2 Kings 2:23-24, New International]

17

Infanticide, rape, and looting for God

Whoever is captured [in Babylon] will be thrust through; all who are caught will fall by the sword. Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives ravished. [Isaiah 13:15-16, New International]

18

Killing babies, slicing open preggies

The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open. [Hosea 13:16, New International]