Dissent (15 page)

Thirteen

I
watched her walk away, her gait quick and excited as I held the angry
and confused cat against my chest. I looked back at the guys who were
all giving me sly smiles. “What?” I asked, raising a
brow.

“Did
she get super frisky?” Mike asked.

“It's
a he... and he's not old enough for that yet.”

“Not
the fucking cat,” Jay said, rolling his eyes and I could see
Burt looking at us in anger before quickly getting into the bus.

“What
are you talking about?”

“Darce,”
Jay said, reaching out to pet the kitten's head. “She's a total
gore whore.”

“What
the hell is a gore whore?” I asked, looking between them like
they had started speaking another language.

“She
gets horny by weird shit. Like her haunted houses and stuff. Someone
usually gets hugged or made out with if they go with her,” Jay
explained, taking the cat from me and holding it. It was such a weird
sight that I almost wanted to laugh.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,
that girl is messed up,” Joey pitched in, nodding.

“Oh,
what the fuck do you know?” Jay asked, shaking his head. “But
yeah. She gets all that fear mixed up for desire in her body and she
needs to get it out somehow. Did she throw herself at you?”

“No,”
I said, surprising myself. Because she absolutely initiated what
happened back in that exam room. And I was damn happy about it. And I
was never the kind to hide my exploits. But somehow it felt wrong to
talk about it. “It actually wasn't really scary. She was
annoyed at the lack of personal effects left over.”

“Oh,
that sucks. For you,” Jay said, grimacing. “She's not my
type.”

“Speaking
of your type,” I said, looking around, “I don't remember
seeing Maddy last night.”

“Oh,
she's off the bus,” Jay said casually.

“Already?”

“Already?”
Mike asked, laughing. “She's lucky she lasted as long as she
did. Which she probably only did because he got in her ass.”

“Where
is she?”

“What
are you, her mother?” Jay asked, but let the smile fall. “Don't
worry. I gave her more than enough money to get back home. She wasn't
exactly happy about all the other women anyway.”

“You
guys live a crazy life,” I said, shaking my head slightly.

“We
live an amazing life,” Mike countered, young and living the
dream.

“I
guess,” I said, putting my hands in my pockets and rocking back
on my heels.

“You
disapprove,” Jay said, watching me.

“I
didn't say that.”

“No
you didn't... but you did too. What's the objection? The women?”
he asked, letting the kitten climb up toward his shoulder. “Because
I can tell you're not gentleman either.”

“No,”
I agreed, smiling. I still had Darcy's taste in my mouth. I was as
far from a gentleman as you could get. “And I don't disapprove.
I just don't get the appeal.”

“To
new pussy every night?” Joey asked, looking amused.

“No...
to...”

“It's
not ideal,” Jay answered, surprising me. I saw Joey and Mike
look at him quickly like they hadn't expected that either. Their rock
star sex god wasn't living the dream anymore. “I mean... it's
great. But it would be nice to be able to be at my own fucking place
once and a while, you know? Get a little bit of stability. Maybe
meet...”

“A
nice girl?” Mike asked, looking at Jay like he had lost his
mind. “Settle down? Marry her? You're losing it, man.”

Jay
laughed, rolling his eyes. “No. Meet someone who wasn't just
fucking me to get on a tour bus. You know? Someone who isn't trying
to live their dream through mine, I guess.”

“Alright,”
Darcy's voice broke in, completely unaware of the air of seriousness
around her usually carefree men. “I think I went a little
overboard,” she said, holding out all her bags full of god-knew
what. “But Poe is going to be living like a rock star too. Come
on,” she said, moving toward the steps, “let's go get him
washed up so we can get moving.”

I
took the kitten from Jay, wanting an excuse to be around her without
her snipping at me to do random grunt work around the bus to fuck
with me. We seemed to have made some leg way back at the asylum. And
not just because I went down on her. Because we had shared something,
something she was passionate about. She didn't just see me as some
random guy trying to get into her pants anymore.

She
let down her guard. She smiled and joked with me. She showed me a
part of Darcy that she seemed to reserve for the crew and Jay and
Todd. People who were, for all intents and purposes, her family. And
once I was in the sun that was her good graces, I didn't want to be
thrown back into the dark again.

I
actually wanted to be around her.

Not
because I wanted to bed her, though I still did. Not because she was
some challenge. But because I just liked being near her. She was
interesting. Funny and sweet and dark and creepy. She was the most
unusual person I had ever come across and I wanted to know more. I
wanted, suddenly, to know everything. Which was new for me.

I
had never been good with people.

Getting
women to sleep with me, sure. I was fucking great at that. But
interacting with just normal people in my life? I was just really
inept at that. Coworkers found me dismissive and condescending.
People who tried to befriend me had issues trying to connect to me.
Because I didn't let anyone close enough. I didn't want to have to
let them know what was really underneath the cool, calm, collected
millionaire persona.

Because
the fact of the matter was that I wasn't that person at all. I had
worked for years to perfect that mask, to slip behind it, to wear it
like a second skin. But it wasn't me.

The
real me spent twenty-five years in a fucking shack in the woods. With
no electricity or running water. Sharing a shoebox sized room with a
sister I was taught to loathe for the simple fact that she was born
female. With a mother who I was told to push away. With a father who
was, at once, my tormentor and my only friend. He taught me things.
He spent time with me. He praised my strengths. He punished my
weaknesses. He made me into a strong, capable man. With some really
fucked up ideas about womanhood.

The
real me spent the six years after his death trying to unlearn those
teachings, trying to run away from the man he made me to be. Feeling
nothing but shame and lack and grief so strong I couldn't sleep
without three or more drinks to ease me into it.

The
real me had to learn how to use a computer, what the internet was,
how banks worked, who the presidents were, that there was such a
thing as women in powerful positions, that is wasn't the job of every
woman to submit to their husbands and bear children, that there was
such a thing as not believing in God. That it was actually more
socially acceptable to not believe.

I
had to learn what the parts of the female body were. How they worked.
How my own body worked. I had to fucking learn everything that other
people learned slowly over time, in a matter of a few years.

But
I never could seem to learn how to interact properly. How to want to
socialize, be around other people. How to be interested in their
lives. It was so foreign to me. Too intimate. I had spent so much
time alone or with just my father. I couldn't understand getting to
know people who were, invariably, going to be gone from your life.

That
was until I met Darcy. And even her odd band of misfit friends. They
were just all so... different. Refreshing. Maybe because they weren't
wearing their own masks. Most people you met were like me- hiding
behind some persona they cultivated. These guys were just...
themselves. At times funny and sweet and likable. Or mean and grumpy,
dirty, offensive, stupid. They were just normal, flawed people who
were all too close to bother with pretenses.

And
I wanted to be around them.

But
more than them, I wanted to be around Darcy. I wanted to know all
about her past. What her life had been like. How she went from Darcy
the cheerleader in private school to Darcy the take-no-prisoners rock
star. I wanted to know her other weird fascinations aside from mental
asylums and old Russian gurus. I wanted to know what made her happier
than anything else. I wanted to know what made her sad.

Fuck,
I just... wanted to know her.

“So...
how badly do you think I am about to get scratched up?” she
asked, turning on the water while cradling the kitten to her chest,
pouring three different kinds of soap into the water. At my raised
brow, she shrugged. “One is for mites, one is for flea and
ticks.”

“And
the third?”

“Doesn't
smell like chemicals and awfulness,” she laughed. “I was
hoping it would balance it all out.”

She
grabbed Poe and started lowering him into the water, the kitten's
claws spreading out wide as he hissed and slapped at the water.

“Never
had a cat before, huh?” I asked, watching as she tried to croon
to it and soothe it.

“It's
that obvious?”

“Pretty
much,” I laughed. “Just drunk and scrub and get it over
with. You're just drawing out his misery trying to get him to calm
down. He's not going to... learn to like the water.”

“Did
you have a cat before?” she asked, holding Poe in the water
with one hand and trying to scrub with the other.

“Here,”
I said, moving in next to her and scrubbing at the wet black fur.
“No,” I answered. “Pets weren't a thing for me
growing up. We used animals for meat, not amusement.”

“That's
kinda sad,” she said, her hair falling forward and blocking her
face from view. “I wasn't allowed to have pets either. Unless
exotic fish count. Which they don't,” she said, laughing. “My
mom is allergic to cats and my dad thought dogs were dirty.”

“Well
you have a pet now,” I said and she turned her head and smiled
at me, sweet and radiant. If my hands weren't covered in chemicals, I
would have grabbed her face and kissed her silly.

“Yeah,
well I mean, we do,” she said, her eyes going huge at that word
as she fumbled to change the meaning. “You know... me and Jay
and Todd. The crew. We have a pet. He's not really just mine.”
She reached around Poe, pulling him out of the water and wrapping him
in a towel. “I think it will be good for them honestly. To have
something they actually need to look after. I think they're getting a
little too used to being on the road and doing whatever the hell they
want.”

“Maybe
you guys should slow down a bit,” I suggested as she scrubbed
the water off of Poe. “Take some time to live your lives.”

“I
know our pace is punishing,” she said, looking up, a certain
sadness in her eyes. “The thing is... you never really know how
long you are going to get in this job, you know? It's not guaranteed
that we will continue to have this level of success forever. I
just... I want to enjoy the ride while we can I guess.”

“I
don't think the fans are going to give up on you if you take an extra
two or three weeks to yourselves each year,” I said, reaching
into one of the bags for a can of wet cat food and pulling the tab
open. Poe struggled out of her hold at the smell, meowing until she
set him on the bathroom counter to eat greedily. “You need to
take the time to do all the things you want to do too.”

“Oh
yeah?” she asked, looking up at me from under her lashes. “And
what do I want to do?”

“Visit
abandoned asylums,” I suggested, then smiled warmly. “Have
bed breaking sex with me.”

She
looked down at the floor quickly, but not before I saw the blush in
her pale cheeks, the heaviness to her eyes, the mouth falling
slightly open. She was silent for a second, watching Poe lick the tin
clean. “I thought we covered this,” she said finally,
swallowing hard, “I am cured of my female hysterics for a
while.”

I
felt myself nodding, rocking back on my heels. “Yeah,” I
smiled, “but you forgot something.”

“What's
that?” she asked, a brow arching.

“We
have... thirty-six and a half weeks left on this bus. And then you're
going home to an apartment fifteen feet from mine,” I reached
for the doorknob, stepping into the galley. “And I am in this
for the long game, remember?”