Dissonance (42 page)

“That’s good. I hope it works out.” It sounded half-hearted, but that was about all I could manage.

“I know you have issues with him right now, and you have a right to, but I want you to know that he already regrets what he did. It was part of why he agreed to go. He told your Mom that once he started coming down from the pills at the hospital, he realized what he had done to you, and felt horrible. You two will have a lot to work through, but you need to know that the Caleb we knew is still in there,” Dad explained.

“I’m not going to just write him off, Dad,” I told him. “We do have shit to deal with, but I really do want him to get clean, and I’ll still be there for him when he does.”

Dad nodded. “He’s going to need us all down the road.”

“When is he leaving? Is he going to wait until after Christmas?” I asked, trying to ignore the pang in my chest as a I thought for the hundredth time about the fact that I was likely not going to share the holiday with Charlotte.

“No, he decided he wants to start before he backs out. Your mom is a bit upset about it, but he has a flight out tomorrow evening.

Silence lapsed between us. There was just nothing to say. Only Caleb could determine if this would work. All we could do was wait and see what would happen.

Eventually, Dad shook his head a bit to chase off whatever thoughts he had sunk into and said, “You wanted to talk to me about something.”

“Yeah,” I took a deep breath. I had always thought that if I ended up in this position, it would feel like resigning. I thought it would be hard to admit, that I would be feeling like a failure. As I sat there in Dad’s office, the hub of the business he had built from nothing into a powerful institution, as I imagined what it would be like to be at that helm, it did not feel like giving up. It felt like a new beginning. “I want to talk about my future here. I want it. I want it all.”

Later that evening, I met with the guys at the rehearsal space we rented. Talking to them about my decision was far more nerve racking than talking to my father had been. At least I had known going in how Dad would react. I liked to think the guys would be on the same page. After all, we really weren’t putting much effort into moving up in the world. Hell, once we had decided that we were going to play any shows during the holidays, we hadn’t even gotten it together to start booking shows for January. No, we’d just kind of let everything hit a stand still. Maybe it was the ideal moment to walk away.

Josh and Tim were already there when I walked in. Tyler was nowhere to be found, not that that was surprising. Honestly, I would rather have this conversation without him and just inform him later. The jackass would just make this difficult.

“What’s up, man?” Tim greeted. Neither he nor Josh looked concerned about the fact that I had called and told them we needed to talk about some shit. I wondered if they knew where this was going.

“Not much,” I answered, grabbing a seat near them.

“Still nothing from Charlotte?” Josh asked.

I just shook my head.

“Sucks, I’m sorry,” Tim said. Some people thought he came off like he could care less about anything, but I’d known him since we were thirteen-year-old little punks. I knew he was a good guy beneath the carefree surface. He’d checked in on me a couple times during my drunken days after Charlotte left.

“What’d you want to talk about?” Josh inquired. I knew he had to cancel on some last-minute Christmas shopping with his fiancé, Krista, to come. I appreciated that he was probably in the doghouse now and just wanted to get to it.

“Right, I’m not really sure what to say,” I began. “I guess I’m wondering where you guys are at with this whole thing. I mean, we’re not making progress as a band. We’ve already turned down every deal that’s come our way. Where do you guys see this going?”

They both took a minute before Josh spoke up. “Honestly dude, I was kind of planning to talk to you guys, too. We haven’t told anyone yet, but Krista just found out that she’s pregnant.”

Tim and I were shocked. A baby. It took us both a second to start sputtering out our congratulations at him, but when they came, they were sincere. As crazy as it was, I knew Josh was thrilled, and I couldn’t have been happier for him.

“Yeah, she’s due in July. We’re both really excited,” Josh continued. “But, I don’t want to be like my dad and never be around. It’ll be hard enough to go to work everyday knowing I could miss out on some first, I don’t think I could handle coming here at night too. And I don’t want to put all of that burden on Krista. I was really fucking nervous to talk to you guys about this, but I think I need to step away and focus on my family.”

I think Josh and I were both surprised when Tim spoke first. “Of course you do, man. Damn, you’re having a baby! We wouldn’t fault you for wanting to be there for it.”

It was time to just lay the cards on the table. “Look, we’ve had a lot of great years together. But maybe it’s just time to walk away. Clearly, that’s what’s best for you,” I said to Josh, then I turned to Tim. “What do you think?”

He started to nod slowly after a moment. “Yeah. A buddy of mine is opening up a bar on the north side of town, he’s really wanted me to go in on it, but I wouldn’t be much help with our schedule. If you both want to move on, I’m not holding back.”

And there it was. After nearly ten years of playing music with the two guys across from me, it was all coming to an end.

“I guess this is really it, then,” I said as the door behind me opened. Apparently, Tyler had finally decided to show.

“What’s it?”

Knowing neither of the guys wanted to deal with Tyler, I bit the bullet myself. “We’re throwing in the towel. We aren’t going to keep the band going.”

“What?” he looked dumbstruck. “You fuckers are just going to fucking retire?” When no one answered him, he pushed right on. “Is this because you’ve got a damn wife at home?” he shot at Josh.

Knowing we were seconds away from a problem if he said anything bad about Krista, I stepped in between the two.

“No, we all just decided we’re done,” I told him firmly.

“Oh, I get it,” Tyler shifted gears. “This is because that bitch dumped you isn’t it? Just going to roll the fuck over and die because some whore broke your heart?”

Tim was on me in a flash, and it was fucking lucky for Tyler that he was. I was ready to snap.

“You keep your fucking mouth shut about her!”

“What? You don’t want to admit that you got played by some hot piece of ass?” Tyler continued to taunt me. “That’s why you don’t act like a fucking pussy and fall for some slut that doesn’t want you!”

I don’t know if Tim let me go, or if the rage that had built up ad me throwing him off. All I know is that by the time that statement left that asshole’s mouth, I was driving my fist home in his jaw. I only landed one good hit before the guys restrained me again.

“You better get the fuck out of here before we fucking let him go again and stand back while he beats your ass!” Josh roared at him.

Tyler, looking like a little bitch as he cradled his jaw, stormed out after that. He was smart and kept his mouth shut as the door slammed behind him. The guys didn’t release me for a minute after he left, probably fearing I would go after him. I wasn’t going to. I had had enough violence recently to last me the rest of my damn life. Still, Tyler had earned what I’d given him. That fucker should never have run his mouth about my girl.

When my arms were free, I stomped over to the mini fridge we kept stocked with beer, and drank back half a bottle before I sat down again. I needed to calm the fuck down. The guys both joined me with beers of their own, and we all sat there quietly for a minute.

Tim spoke first. “Fuck that asshole,” he muttered. Then, he raised his bottle between us. “One last toast,” he said. “To Sinners and Saints, the best fucking years ever.”

“To Sinners and Saints,” Josh and I repeated.

We drank to the past, and to the future. Shooting the shit for a while about the many escapades we had gotten in over the years.

Tim was in the middle of a story about a show we did up in Portland one year, saying something about “That one chick with the biggest fucking tits I had ever seen,” when my phone started going off.

When I saw Alex’s name on the display, my heart started beating a little faster, just as it did every time she called recently.

“Hello?”

I didn’t get a greeting back, just two little words I had been waiting for: “It’s time.”

Alex left a little while ago, and I had been pacing Justin’s living room ever since. God, I hated fighting with her. There was nothing as emotionally draining. Since she walked out the door, I had been hearing her words on repeat:
Then love him enough to give him a chance.

I loved him. I would always love him. I loved him enough to let him go.

But, why?

I could not stop thinking about Alex grouping our pasts together, questioning if she was not good enough for Eli. What she had been through was horrific. She absolutely deserved the happiness Eli brought her, they both did.

So why don’t you?

Out situations weren’t the same, though. Alex had been born into hers. She had been tapped by fate. I created mine. I let myself become the victim, and I never wanted anyone to know that. I did not want Logan to see me that way. How could he love someone who knew they would never be worth it.

“You’re nothing. No one will ever want a broken little whore. You should be fucking thankful I am even here. Now show me how fucking thankful you are.”

My trembling hands gripped my temples as I tried to block it out. It never worked. That voice owned me, even after all the time that had passed. More memories flooded in with that one. The barrage came faster and faster, my pulse speeding uncontrollably with it. I tried to control my breathing, to count out beats for each in and out, but I was starting to hyperventilate. Slowly, I was sinking to my knees. My chest came down, until I was curled tightly in on myself, shaking and gasping for air on the floor.

Through the fog of my panic, strange sounds were filtering in. There was a sort of loud pounding, a metallic whine, and then a curse filled my ears that sounded nothing like the voice that kept taunting me. I tried to focus on those things, and I realized there were quick footfalls headed towards me. They weren’t light ones, like Alex would make. I assumed it was Eli. Maybe he had come to check on me. Or maybe he was mad at me for how I had talked to Alex.