Dissonance (37 page)

Galen took another steadying breath. He’d never spoken about this to anyone before. Even now, years later, it frightened him to face the truth of how close he’d come to throwing his life away. “That night I tried to kill myself again. I took some pills. No one ever knew. I went to sleep thinking that was it. I
knew
that was it. And I remember thinking that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to die. I was scared. Alone….” Galen blinked back the tears that threatened. “You were right,” he said in an undertone. “I’m scared. Terrified, really.”

“Somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.”

Galen laughed and met Cam’s gaze. “You were right about a lot of things.”

“I was?” Cam put his arm around Galen.

“I’ve gotten good at lying. Mostly to myself.”
Breathe. Focus. Relax
. Why had it become so difficult for him to hold things together? He’d been doing fine for so long.

No. You haven’t been doing anything. You’ve been hiding.
“I lie to myself every day I avoid feeling things, you know, the kinds of things that led me to lose it back then. I thought if I kept everything in its place, the feeling like I’m drowning would go away. And it did. I could breathe again when I stayed in control. It was the same with the emotions. I thought if I could control them, I’d be all right. But that was a lie.” Galen met Cam’s gaze again and forced himself to look into Cam’s eyes. “I lied to you, Cam.”

“Oh.” Cam looked as though he were steeling himself.

“I told you I didn’t love you.”

“I see.”

“Fuck, I’ve done it again, haven’t I?” Galen said. “Screwed things up with you.” Galen hoped Cam couldn’t see that his hands trembled.

“You haven’t screwed things up,” Cam said. “And I’m glad to hear that. It makes me happy. But I still don’t see where this leaves us.”

Galen found this part the most frightening of all. He knew what he wanted to say, but gathering his courage to speak the words, he felt as though he was about to jump off a cliff attached only to a bungee cord. “It leaves me asking whether, knowing all about me, knowing that I’m a total mess of a person, you want to be with me.”

Cam answered by kissing Galen. Cam’s kiss wasn’t tentative, and it didn’t judge. Galen wrapped his arms around Cam, trumpet and all.

“Oh,” Galen said after he’d caught his breath. “I forgot. I want you to keep this.” He opened his hand and showed Cam the bracelet he’d been holding. “I know why you gave it back. I know you don’t need the reminder anymore. But I’d like you to keep it. For me.”

“For you?”

“Yeah.” Galen nodded. “Because I’m going to need all of these things. And I’m hoping you’ll be able to give them to me.”

Cam’s face lit in a big smile as he took the bracelet and fastened it around his left wrist. “I’ll do my best.” He leaned in and kissed Galen again. “But there’s something I don’t understand.”

“Yes?”

“What changed your mind about us?”

“The bracelet,” Galen said. “It reminded me of why I’ve done everything I’ve done in my life. Why I started to practice yoga. Why I decided to play in the subway. Why I decided to teach. All of it.

“I did all those things to become stronger. But somewhere along the line, I started to use them as crutches. Something to protect me and my heart. Like a good luck charm someone wears around their neck to ward off evil. I used them to push away things that might hurt me, and I forgot that I’d gotten stronger.”

“I might hurt you,” Cam said, his expression serious.

“Yes. That’s true. But I’m strong enough to handle it.”

“Hope, healing, and love?” Cam sighed as he rubbed the charms.

“Something like that.”

Surrey, England

Eight months later

C
AM
ARRIVED
at the castle in late afternoon, exhausted. He hadn’t slept on the plane—he’d had too much work to take care of ahead of Monday’s board meeting.

In late May the gardens leading up to the main house were in full bloom, and the trees and grass were a deep green. The air here smelled good, crisp and fresh, with none of the metallic overtones of the city. Still, he missed New York already. Missed the walks through Central Park at sunset and the familiar noise of cars and people.

Buck up. You’re only here a week.

He’d given up the house in London a few months before. Too many memories. Some good ones, but the past was just that: past. The castle would do for visits to England. The castle wasn’t his home anymore—New York City was—but he’d made his uneasy peace with it. He’d applied for a green card and only flew back to England when he needed to for his work. Soon, he hoped, he’d find a replacement for Duncan at Sherrington Holdings, and he’d be able to focus completely on his plans for Raice.

Roger, the Sherringtons’ longtime butler, took his bag from the taxi. “Thank you,” Cam said as he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry to come on such short notice.”

“Hardly a problem, my lord,” he said with a smile. “We’re pleased to have you back. Shall I have Cook make you some lunch?”

“Soup and a sandwich would be wonderful, thank you. I’ll take lunch in my office.”

“Of course, my lord.” Roger nodded and headed up the large staircase as Cam carried his laptop to his office at the back of the building.

“Lord Sherrington!”

Cam turned to see Luisa running toward him, cheeks flushed. He smiled and embraced her. “We’ve missed you.”

“I’ll be home in a week,” she said. “This was your idea, remember?”

“And it seems you’re doing a wonderful job of working with the staff. Roger actually smiled at me this morning.”

“Far be it from me to speak ill of someone,” Luisa said, “but you were right when you said your mother hadn’t exactly been kind to them.”

“If it were up to me,” he told her, “I’d have you coordinate the staff. But I doubt Roger would appreciate that.”

“It’s better this way,” she agreed. “When I first got here, I thought I’d gotten a case of frostbite, as happy as he was to see me.” She laughed, then added, “But when he realized I was only here to coordinate the corporate retreat you’ve planned for summer, he warmed up a bit.”

“Good. But don’t get any ideas of staying here longer. We can’t manage things at home without you.” He saw the pleasure in her eyes at hearing this.

He’d sent Luisa to facilitate the retreat with staff from Raice and Sherrington Holdings, but he’d also hoped she’d put the castle’s staff at ease with the transition between his mother’s oversight and his own. Not that his mother had been thrilled, but she’d get used to him taking charge.

“Carlos and Claudio are so excited about spending the summer here.” She blushed, then added, “You really shouldn’t have arranged for the riding lessons. It’s too much.”

“It’s the least I can do since their mother will be working here. While you’re making sure the corporate retreat goes off without a hitch, they’ll be bored out of their minds if we don’t give them something to do.”

“But paying someone to take care of them for me. That’s far too generous
—
”

“We’ve had this discussion before, Luisa,” he told her gently. “I don’t want you running yourself ragged or worrying about them getting into trouble. Vivian will make sure they get to explore London when you can’t be with them.”

She blinked back tears, then leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek. His turn to blush. He knew she struggled to juggle her work and her children in the summertime. “I’d better be getting back to work, then. Will we see you for dinner tonight?”

“You will. I hear you and Cook have been trading recipes. Leek soup, perhaps?”

“Of course. She’s been so excited to have you try her version of it,” Luisa said.

“I’m sure it will be wonderful. But it will never be as good as yours.”

“Thank you.” Her cheeks reddened again; then she waved as she trotted off toward the kitchen.

A few minutes later, settled behind his desk, Cam opened his e-mail and started to make his way through the messages. With the exception of a few, most of the e-mails from board members were supportive of his leadership. The few holdouts were Duncan’s old friends, who, no doubt, had decided to weather the storm and see where their fortunes deposited them after the deluge. Not that things looked very bright for Duncan, who’d been formally charged and remained in custody pending extradition. The board had fired Duncan, of course, then reluctantly asked Cam to take over for him. They’d recently asked Cam to stay on and run the company on a permanent basis. Flattering, but not an option. It was time to move on. Time for Cam to take a chance on something
he
wanted. Some of the green energy projects at Raice looked promising too, and for the first time, Cam felt excitement at the prospect of long hours of work.

Cam still wasn’t sure he’d press charges for the years of abuse. He needed more time to think things through and make his peace with it. He wouldn’t see Duncan prosecuted to exact vengeance, only to see justice satisfied.

By the time he looked up from the computer, the first reds and oranges of sunset had begun to streak the darkening sky. He leaned back in his chair and watched the colors change, reminded of the evenings he’d spent with Galen watching the leaves dance on the grass and listening to Galen play piano.

He smiled at the memory, then shut the laptop and made his way down the hallway to the end of the east wing of the house and the music room. He flipped on the lights and looked around. As with everything else in the castle, the room appeared spotless, the only sign of disuse the lack of the freshly cut flowers his mother preferred. His mother never played, although she used to tell her friends she was a fair pianist in her youth. Still, she’d complained when he’d moved the piano to his house.

He sat down on the piano bench and ran his fingers over the wood. How many days had he spent here as a child, imagining his father playing this very same piano? He’d only heard his father play a few times here, but he could still imagine him, fingers flying over the keys, the brooding chords of a Tchaikovsky sonata echoing off the walls.

Cam walked over to the cabinet at the far end of the room, which was filled with sheet music. He remembered how he’d taken it all out and laid it across the Persian rug, imagining he might someday play all of the pieces he’d discovered. Some of the scores were crumbling, ancient books from his great-grandfather’s time; others were newer pieces his father had played. Cam had added his own music to the collection, and from that stack he pulled a book of Bach dance suites and set it on the piano stand.

As a child, Cam hadn’t enjoyed the Bach much, but his teacher had insisted he play it. He played, not really concentrating at first. He remembered the pieces, but he’d had no emotional connection to them. He began to play the next dance, a lovely bourrée. This time he allowed his mind to take his fingers as he had done playing the more familiar Beethoven a week before. He imagined Galen playing the piece, imagined his quiet concentration and the way his face appeared so peaceful. One with the music, as though the light of his musical heart shone through each phrase.

He ended the piece and closed his eyes. He’d been practicing at the house, and he was getting better.

“Beautiful. You must have an excellent teacher.”

Cam spun around on the bench to see a very rumpled Galen standing in the doorway. He got up and took Galen in his arms. “How did you—?”

“Thank Jamie. He insisted on spending his summer helping out at the music school settlement. I told him he should relax a little before he starts at Juilliard, but he wouldn’t listen. Said he owed it to you since you’re paying for his apartment.” Galen leaned in and kissed him. Cam wondered if he’d ever get tired of kissing Galen. Probably not. Something in how Galen communicated everything in a kiss—love, sex, need—made Cam wonder how he’d ever lived without those kisses.

“He’s teaching the introduction to music theory class I was supposed to be teaching today.” Galen grinned and shook his head. “Gave me a lecture about how I should delegate and spend more time with you. So I brought Max over to his place and hopped a late flight from JFK.”

“Smart boy. If he doesn’t end up as a concert pianist,” Cam said, only half jokingly, “I’ll hire him myself.” The way David Somers had spoken of Jamie’s playing, Cam guessed it was just a matter of time before they were sitting in the audience, hearing him perform with an orchestra. The least Cam could do was make sure Jamie had a safe place to live and didn’t have to worry about juggling a full-time job while he went to school.

“Not if I have anything to say about it. He’s single-handedly raised $20,000 for the music settlement since we opened. $20,000 in four months, can you believe it? He’s been hitting up some of the patrons David introduced him to for donations. My parents said they’d match whatever he raised, and I think he’s enjoying making my father sweat. Not that he can’t afford it.”