Divided (26 page)

“Marco, you need to give me a little more time.” I lied. I didn’t think there was any amount of time that would change my mind. I did not want to sleep with him.

“Fine, but can I see you Friday night?” he asked.

Knowing he was not going to give up I agreed. “Sure, Friday works.”

After the words were out of my mouth his lips were moving down to cover mine. His kiss felt strange, different. I didn’t feel anything for him anymore but I attempted to kiss him back.

Pulling away Marco opened the car door for me and ushered me inside. “I’ll see you Friday”

“Yeah, see you then.” I closed the door and once the car began to move, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand trying to wipe his taste away as well. I was angry that I was allowing myself to do this. But I was thankful that the driver was unable to see me. I looked out the window at the passing cars and cried.

October 18
^th

Marco and I saw each other twice a week for the next couple of weeks. Every date he pushed a little further to get me to go home with him but never forced me into anything. Kissing him had become more tolerable. Forcing Ryan to the back of my mind, I closed my eyes and let Marco have full range of my mouth. Dinner was always at some fancy place that Marco insisted I pick, a car was always sent to pick me up, and each night he kissed me before sending me back to Jersey. Not that I would have wanted him to pick me up but it made me think of Ryan, never once did Ryan not come and get me.

Katie wasn't thrilled with the idea of Marco, and anytime I got dressed for our dinner date, she would throw a fit stating that I was settling or blocking out Ryan by using Marco. But I was just trying to save my parents’ home. Though it did help fill the void of Ryan, I was only doing this for my parents. I only prayed that Marco would get sick of me, and leave me the hell alone. 

Melanie and Caitlyn weren't as pissed about the situation as Katie was. They weren't fond of the idea of Marco and I being together, but they supported my decision. I thought maybe they just decided not to be as opinionated as Katie.

I would lie in bed hating myself for allowing this to continue to go on. I didn't recognize who I was becoming. I didn't like me anymore, each time I spent time with Marco he took a piece of me and destroyed it a bit more. I was disgusted that I was spending my twenty-eighth birthday with this scum. Katie and the girls threw a fit because Marco insisted he needed to have me tonight. Him waving the deed in my face didn't help much either so I managed to convince the girls to have brunch instead. 

Taking my phone off the charger I looked at the screen praying for it to beep. Ryan's calls had become fewer and he was now only texting me once a day now. I still didn't have the courage to look at any of them, let alone answer his calls. But today was a different story. Today I wanted more than anything to hear from him. I needed something to cheer up my day and I continued to stare at my phone, so deep in thought I didn't see Katie walk in.

“Happy birthday, lady!” She said walking in with beautiful fresh flowers. “This came in for you this morning. She placed the flowers on my dresser taking the note and bringing it to me. “It's not from Marco, douche uses the same florist all the time.” Hearing that, I sat up grabbing the note from her. I ripped the small envelope taking the card out of.  My heart stopped when I saw that Ryan’s name was on the outside of the envelope. 

Happy Birthday my sweet little Bug. It has been 73 days since you walked out of my life. Not a day has gone by that I don't miss you. This will be the last time you hear from me. I hope your world is filled with love, laughter, and happiness. I’m deeply sorry for any pain I have caused you. Happy Birthday, Alani, I will love you with all my heart, always and forever.

Ryan

The tears were like waterfalls down my face. I reread the card over and over again. Holding my ladybug pendant I cried. Placing her arms around me, Katie pulled me into her chest

“It's ok, Ally.” She held me tightly while I cried into her arms. Ryan was done. I would no longer hear his sexy voice, feel his heart beating under my palms, hear his joy filled laughter. After I could manage to breathe again Katie let me go and faced me on my bed. 

My heart diminished in my chest, the sight of my future husband wrapped up in some other woman’s legs was the worst pain I had ever felt. That was until I read the note from Ryan. Marco had broken my heart, stomped all over it, but it didn't compare to the pain I felt at that moment. 

“Alani, are you sure you did the right thing leaving him?” She looked at me, sad to see me so upset on my birthday.

“No, but you don't understand, Katie, I had to walk away. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But, you didn't see them. They were perfect together.  A perfect family expecting their little bundle of joy. I had to walk away. It is destroying me now but I couldn’t be selfish. I couldn't ask him to divide his world.”

I realized a long time ago that my life would never be the same. My heart died when I chose to walk away from Ryan. I was my own walking torturer, choosing to ignore him was my own way of self-mutilation. 

“Has he reached out to you lately?”

I bowed my head as the tears flowed freely down my face. “Everyday. He sends me a text every morning and night and calls during the day.  But according to this I’ll never hear from him again.” I said with the card tightly secured in my hand.

I held the card against my chest and let his words attempt to mend my shattered heart.  I allowed his words and declaration of love to sink deep into my soul. I realized that I had been numb since I left him and I longed for the feeling of his touch or his breath on my neck.

“What do you want to do?” Katie asked.

“There is nothing I can do. I have brunch with you girls, late lunch with my parents and dinner with Marco.” I inhaled deeply in attempts to calm my breathing.

“Do you think that's a good idea? I mean look at yourself, you’re a mess.” I smiled at her. “Nothing alcohol and make up can't fix.”

The remainder of the day my body was in a state of emptiness. The flowers Ryan sent were placed beautifully on my dresser. The note tucked in my nightstand drawer. Not caring if I looked presentable or not for Marco I applied lip-gloss on before putting it in my clutch. The car was waiting for me outside Katie's apartment. I nodded at the driver before sliding into the back seat and to my surprise, Marco was sitting on the other side.

“Happy Birthday, Baby.” He said.

Wrapping his arms around me he brought his mouth to mine. Kissing me with hunger, I tasted the scotch on his tongue each time he invaded my mouth. Pulling my head away, I moved over on the seat further away from him.

“To what do I owe this surprise? Usually I just meet you at the restaurant.” I said to him feeling revolted by his presence.

Pulling me closer he kissed my neck whispering in my ear. “Tonight is a special night, there is no need for two cars, we have been seeing each other for a while now and I want to give you your birthday present.”

His open mouth kiss on my neck made my stomach turn. Clearing my throat I reached for the open bottle of champagne. I would only be able to get through this night with massive amounts of alcohol.

“So where are we going to dinner since you insisted on picking?” I filled the champagne flute, chugging it all at once only to refill it again and do the same thing.

“It's a surprise.” He said coyly. Luckily his blackberry began vibrating in his jacket. With Marco on a work call I had the chance to stare out the window and into the sky. Only being able to see the moon I began to reminisce. Grand Forks had millions of stars lighting up the sky, here I would be lucky to see one. 

Opening my second bottle of champagne I noticed the limo driver turning right off the Brooklyn Bridge my heart stopped. I looked at Marco and he was smiling, his face bright with glee.

“Where are we going, Marco?” Placing his hand on my chin he spoke into his phone. “Tyler, I have to call you back.” He placed his phone in his pocket.

“Ally baby, I'm bringing you home.” His happy grin irritated me.

“Home?” I asked.

“Yes to the condo, where we both lived happily.”  His smug smile made my skin crawl.

The champagne was making my head fuzzy so I ignore him and poured myself another glass. When the limo pulled up in front of my previous home I had a good buzz. Not waiting for the limo driver to open my door I climbed out taking my now almost empty bottle and made my way towards the elevator. I ignored Marco on the ride up as he held me close to him kissing my neck. I watched myself in the mirror hating the person I had become and finish the bottle before the elevator stopped.

Pushing him off me when the elevator doors opened, I walked towards the front door. My mind mentally preparing for what he had planned. 

Marco slid the key into the keyhole and looked down at me. My eyes went cold, my heart an ice glacier in my chest.

“Welcome home, baby.” He exclaimed.

He pushed the door open and everything was still the same. Nothing had changed all our pictures were still in place and everything in order just like it always was. Walking in, I threw my clutch on the couch and turned to face Marco.

“Where do you want to do this?” I asked. The alcohol was not helping to numb the pain and the loneliness I felt from missing Ryan. I knew what I needed to do. Cover one pain with another.

Like a fox he walked over to me, bringing me into his arms. “Why do you want to rush this, I ordered sushi from Ginger, why don't you make yourself comfortable?”

There was no use in getting comfortable when I knew what he wanted. Sitting through dinner with him would only prolong the inevitable. Pushing away from him I walked backwards to the bar. I lowered the zipper from my Calvin Klein dress watching it fall to my feet. Grabbing the bottle of vodka, I walked back to him in only my bra and panties. I chugged on the bottle of
Ketel One
until I could not longer handle the burn.

I wrapped one hand around his neck and kissed him deeply, “I know how we can get comfortable.” The taste of him along with the vodka was filthy.
Inflict pain with pain.

I kissed him once more before biting down on his bottom lip hard. When I finally let go I walked back towards the bedroom we once shared. Brining the bottle back to my mouth I chugged back three big gulps. Inhaling deeply, I wiped the tears from my eyes and reached for the doorknob on the bedroom door.

“Come on Marco or I’ll start without you.” I called back at him.

Before I could even finish the sentence he had me pinned up against the bedroom wall. His hands cupping my breast while the other lifted my legs around his hips.  Dodging his mouth I let him kiss my neck, ears, and collarbone. Bringing the vodka bottle back up to my mouth, I took another big gulp.  Each kiss he placed on my skin burned. It wasn't the same burning sensation when Ryan kissed me. This was a painful torturous sting on my skin. It was like his lips were made of ember.

Ryan.
My mind drifted, he and I were a perfect puzzle, connecting perfectly as one.

Ryan’s kisses were soft, filled with love. With every feather-like kiss he gave me I felt an electrical current run through me, heading straight for my heart. Closing my eyes I imagined that it was Ryan who was kissing me at this very moment. Focusing only on Ryan’s face I let Marco lead me to the bed where he proceeded to take my bra and panties off. Never opening my eyes I gave him full range of my body.  My heart and soul only focused on the man I loved more than anything in the world. Ryan. I saw his face, his hair, his beautiful body with perfect muscles, and most of all I focused on his smile, the way he could light up a room with his smile.  

Lying down on the on the mattress as Marco’s mouth licked its way down to my nipples, I thought back to the first time Ryan gave me a shirt to wear. How his scent invaded my senses. I went to that place in my brain where I registered that smell, trying with all my might to conjure it up at this very moment. With my focus on Ryan I opened my legs for Marco.

“Get a condom.” I said without opening my eyes. Hating that
this
was my reality. Cursing internally that I succumbed to this.

“Why do I need a condom?” Marco asked placing a kiss on my stomach.

Pissed that he was ruining my train of thought I snapped my eyes open. “Because the last time I saw your dick it was being shoved into someone else’s pussy, so if you want to do this put a fucking condom on.” 

“Fine.” He crawled off the bed opening the nightstand; I ignored the fact that there were never any condoms in the house before. Clearly he was having a very active sex life. I watched him place it on before I closed my eyes and brought myself back to Grand Forks.

Marco placed himself in between my legs, pushing himself deep into me. The pain was tolerable at best. Without being aroused, sex was dry. I fought with my mind but I could not manipulate my body to get aroused for Marco, so every thrust was painful and desiccate. Almost as if it wasn’t natural for Marco and I to have sex. Marco continued beginning to move and I let the tears rolled down my face.

I replayed the first time I ran into Ryan at the bar, our game of pool, the breakfast he cooked for me, the water park, and the charity event. The weight of Marco on top of me along with the guilt of what I was doing was too much for me. A whimper escaped my throat. Marco feeling encouraged by my whimper sped up only to cause more painful friction to my already emotionless body. I felt numb, disgusted with myself, but most of all I felt disenchanted.

I felt Marco pump once really hard and stop, his body shook on top of me and I knew he had reached his climax. Wiping the tears from my face I laid there, an empty corpse.

“Baby, I have missed you.” He said pulling out of me. I pulled the blanket over to cover my naked body. “I have a birthday present for you.” He said.