"The first time he touched me, I was shocked. Outraged. He warned me that she'd never believe me, that she'd send me away. I'd been in a little bit of trouble. Acting out, you might say." She smiled, sat again. "Won't go into that. But my mother and I were at odds, very much at odds. He was convincing, and frightened me. I was young, and felt powerless. You understand."
"Yeah."
"She traveled quite a bit. I think-well, it came out later, that she'd realized she'd made a mistake, marrying him. But she'd already had one marriage fail, and she wasn't going to give up so quickly. She focused on her career for a time, and he had many opportunities to molest me. He used drugs to keep me... quiet. It went on for a very long time. I told no one. In my mind, my father had deserted me, my mother loved this man more than she loved me. And neither of them cared if I lived or died. I attempted suicide."
"It's hard," Eve managed, "really hard to feel like you're alone in all that."
"You were alone. But yes, it's equally hard to feel alone, and helpless, and guilty. Fortunately, I bungled the suicide. My parents, both of them, were in my hospital room, at their wits' end. It came spewing out of me, all of it. The rage, the fear, the hate. It all came out, two and a half years of rape and abuse."
"How'd they handle it?" Eve asked when Mira fell into silence.
"In a most unexpected way. They believed me. He was arrested. Imagine my surprise," she murmured. "That it could be stopped, just by speaking of it. That saying it out loud could make it stop."
"That's why you became a doctor. So you could make it stop for other people."
"Yes. I didn't think of it then. I was still angry, still hurt, but yes. I had therapy-individual, group, family. And sometime during that healing period, my parents found each other again. They mended what was ripped. We don't often talk of that time. I don't often think of it. When I think of my parents, I think of them as they were before things began to unravel, and as they've been since they repaired the damage. I don't think of the bitter years."
"You forgave them."
"Yes, and myself. They forgave each other, and me. We were stronger for it," Mira added. "And I think I was drawn to Dennis because of his bottomless well of kindness, and decency. I'd learned the value of those things because I'd seen their opposite."
"How do you find the way back? How do you find the way when a marriage crumbles under you, and you turn away from each other? When it's bad, so bad you can't talk about it, or think about it?"
Mira reached out, laid her hands over Eve's. "You can't tell me what's hurting you, and Roarke?"
"I can't."
"Then I'll tell you the simple and most complex answer is love. It's where you start, and where, if you work hard enough, want hard enough, you end."
20
She didn't want to go home. It was, Eve knew, evasion at its worst, but she didn't want to go home to a houseful of people. She didn't want to go home to Roarke.
The answer couldn't be love-simple or complex-she didn't see how that could be it. She couldn't find her way through this thing that was strangling her marriage. And if she loved the man any more than she did, she'd burn up from it.
She didn't see how the answer could be evasion either, though it helped at the moment. Walking in the city on a balmy evening, the familiar ground, the familiar sounds of irritable traffic, the smell of overdone soy dogs, the occasional whoosh through the vents of a train zooming by underground.
Clutches of people, ignoring each other-ignoring her-as they went about their own business and thought their own thoughts.
So she walked, and it occurred to her she never did this anymore. Never simply walked around the city when she didn't have a specific destination, a specific purpose. She'd never been the meandering sort. And she sure as hell wasn't interested in browsing from window to window to study whatever was being sold.
She could've rousted a couple of the sidewalk grifters hawking knockoff wrist units, PPCs, fake python handbags-all the rage this season-but she didn't feel quite mean enough to bother.
She watched two women shell out seventy dollars each for snake bags complete with fangs for fasteners and wondered what the hell was wrong with people.
More because it was there than because of hunger, she dropped some credits on a glide-cart for a soy dog. The stink of the cart's smoke followed her, and the first bite reminded her how disgusting, and oddly addicting, the fake meat on a stingy bun could be.
She watched a couple of teenagers weave through pedestrian traffic on an airboard. The girl riding pinion had her arms around the boy's waist in what looked like a death grip, and she was squealing in his ear. From the expression on his face, he didn't seem to mind. Probably made him feel like a man, Eve decided, to have some girl holding onto him and pretending she was afraid.
Not bothering to pretend anything was why she'd been so lousy at the mating rituals, she supposed. Then, with Roarke, she hadn't had to pretend.
A messenger droid whizzed by on his zip-bike, risking smashed circuits and vehicular madness as he threaded through the breath of space between two Rapid cabs, then buzzed the bumper on another. The cab driver responded with a vicious blast of horn, which set off several other horns like dogs howling together at the moon.
"I'm driving here!" The driver shouted with his head and upper body popping out his side window. "I'm driving here, you asshole!"
But the red cap and boots of the messenger droid were only a blur as he cut through the light on the yellow, and kept jetting.
She heard snatches of conversations as she walked-bits and pieces of sexual, shopping, or business escapades-all delivered with the same passion.
A licensed beggar squatted on a rag of blanket and played a mournful tune on a rusty flute. A woman with a python bag and matching boots glided out of a shop trailed by a uniformed droid carting several glossy bags. She slid into a shiny black limo.
Eve doubted she'd heard the flute-she'd bet the beggar wasn't even on her plane of existence. People didn't pay enough attention, she decided, and tossed a couple of credits into the beggar's box as she passed by.
The city was awash with color and sound and energy, with petty meanness and careless kindnesses. She didn't pay enough attention. She loved it, but she rarely looked at it.
And if that was some sort of subconscious metaphor for her marriage, it was time to ditch the rest of the soy dog and get back to work.
She saw the bump and snatch. The man in the suit, carrying a briefcase who crossed toward the curb to hail a cab. The boy of about twelve who bumped against him, the quick exchange of words.
Watch it, kid.
Sorry, mister.
And the fast hands, very fast, very light, that nipped into the pocket of the suit and palmed the wallet.
Still munching her soy dog, she strode toward them just as the boy turned to melt into the crowd. She caught him by the collar.
"Hold on," she said to the suit.
He sent her a look of irritation as the boy struggled against her hold. "I'm in a hurry."
"You're going to have a hard time paying for that ride without your wallet," Eve told him.
Instinctively he patted his pocket, then whirled. "What the hell is this? Give me back my wallet, you little bastard. I'm calling the cops."
"I am a cop, so just throttle back. Hands off," she snapped when he started to reach for the boy. "Give it over, ace."
"Don't know what you're talking about. Lemme go. My ma's waiting."
"Whoever's waiting missed the pass, so give me this man's wallet and let's call it a day. You're good," she said studying his soft, lightly freckled face. "Not only look harmless, but you've got good hands. Slick and smooth. If I hadn't been right here, you'd have gotten away clean."
"Officer, I want this delinquent arrested."
"Give it a rest." Eve reached into the goodie pouch inside the boy's jacket, pulled out a billfold. Flipped it open and read the ID. "Marcus." She tossed him the wallet. "You've got your property back. No harm, no foul."
"He belongs in jail."
She had a strong hold on the boy now, and felt him tremble. She thought of Roarke running the streets of Dublin, picking pockets and going home with his take to a father who'd likely beat him no matter what the day's work had brought in.
"Fine. Let's all go downtown and spend the next couple of hours filling out forms.
"I don't have time-"
"Then you'd better catch that cab."
"It's hardly a wonder the city is overrun with crime when the police treat law-abiding citizens with such disdain."
"Yeah, that must be the reason," she replied as he climbed into the cab, slammed the door. "And you're welcome, sunshine."
She hauled the kid around, studied his young, angry face. "Name, and don't bother to lie, just give me the first name."
"Billy."
She saw it was a lie, but let it pass. "Okay, Billy, like I said, you're good. But not that good. Next time you're going to get caught by somebody without my mushy compassionate nature and winning personality."
"Shit." But he grinned a little.
"Ever been in juvie?"
"Maybe."
"If you have, you know it sucks. Food's lousy and they lecture you every damn day, which is worse. You got a problem at home, or wherever, need some help, you call this number."
She dragged a card out of her pocket.
"Dufus? What the hell is that?"
"Duchas. It's a shelter. Hell of a lot better than juvie," she said when he sneered. "You can tell them Dallas sent you."
"Yeah, sure."
"Put it in your pocket. Don't throw it away until you're out of sight at least. No point in insulting me after I kept your ass out of lockup."
"You hadn't caught me, I'd have the wallet."
Smartass, she thought. God, she had a weakness for a smartass. "Well, you've got me there. Scram."
He bolted, then spun around, grinned at her again. "Hey! You're not a total asshole, for a cop."
And that, she figured, was a better thanks than the suit had managed. Feeling marginally better, she hailed a cab of her own.
She gave the driver Reva Ewing's home address. He turned around, gave her a pained stare.
"You want I should drive you to fricking Queens?"
"Yes. I want you should drive me to fricking Queens."
"Lady, I gotta make a living here. Whyn't you take a bus or the subway or an airtram?"
"Because I'm taking a cab." She yanked out her badge, pressed it to the safety shield that caged in the driver. "And I gotta make a living here, too."
"Oh jeez, lady, now you're gonna want the cop rate. Now I'm going to be driving you to fricking Queens at ten percent off. You know how long that's going to tie me up?"
"I'll give you the standard fare, but get this bucket of shit moving." She shoved her badge away. "And don't call me lady."
She ruined the driver's evening when she told him to wait, then recorded his name and license number to ensure he did. He drooped behind the wheel as she got out to unseal and unlock the gates.
"How long am I supposed to wait?"
"Let's see. Oh yeah. Until I get back."
EDD had removed the statuary, and it was an improvement. Still, she imagined Reva would sell the place. She wouldn't want to live where she'd lived with the man who used and betrayed her.
She unsealed and unlocked the front door and stepped inside.
It had the feel of an empty house, an abandoned one. A home that was finished, she supposed, being a home.
She didn't know what she was looking for, but she wandered the house much as she'd wandered the streets. Just to see what popped out at her.
The sweepers and EDD had both combed the place. The faint, metallic smell of chemicals lingered.
To satisfy herself she browsed through Bissel's closet. Large wardrobe, expensive clothes. She knew how to recognize expensive material and cuts now.
He'd indulged himself in the two-level space with its revolving racks, automatic drawers, computerized menu of contents, and their location.
Jesus, even Roarke didn't computerize his wardrobe. Of course, his brain was a damn computer so he probably knew just where the specific black shirt he wanted would be, when he'd last worn it, for what occasion, and with what pants and jacket. Shoes. Fricking underwear.
She blew out a breath and scowled at the little wall screen.
Bissel hadn't fried his closet unit. Because there was nothing on there worth bothering with, or because there was something on there he wanted to retrieve?
