DivineWeekend (5 page)

Concentrate!

“Being married to Lindsay wasn’t a problem to me. I had no
intension to marry again. Ever. But knowing you, loving you,” his gaze softened
upon hers and butterfly wings fluttered in her chest, “has made me want to be
free again. Free to tell you how much I love you, and to marry you one day, if
you’ll have me. Julia, I—”

Wait!
His words bounced around her brain. Oh my God,
Ben loved her. He was finally saying all she ever wanted to hear since that
first night together. She’d dreamed of this moment but had despaired of it ever
happening. And when he was finally saying it she couldn’t accept it because he
wasn’t free to give her his love.

“Ben, you’re married, your wife loves you…” she said sadly,
her heart breaking.

“No, I’m not! Well, not for long, anyway. Lindsay has
finally signed the papers and we’ll be divorced in six months.” He smiled but
she didn’t join him. His face became stern. “Before you start feeling sorry for
her, let me assure you she does not love me any more than I love her. Status
and financial security made her refuse my earlier request for a divorce. It was
never love. Please trust me, Julia,” he pleaded, his eyes fastened on hers
while her heart began a crazy tattoo in her chest. She wanted so much to
believe him it ached.

“I’m not a cheater, Julia, even if legally I was still
married to Lindsay, we’ve been living independent lives for so long I didn’t
feel married anymore.”

Why wasn’t she jumping up and down with the news of his new
single status? He was free, he loved her,
and
he’d come straight back to
tell her that. But he had lied to her, well, not exactly lied but by
withholding information he’d made her unknowingly his accomplice in deceit.

“I can’t trust you anymore,” she said standing up. “We’re
finished.”

He glared at her. “You aren’t serious!”

Her eyes widened, her shoulders rose. “Oh yes I am!”

He sighed loudly. “Julia, stop being unreasonable, of course
you can trust me. I’m in love with you. I want to marry you!”

“How? How can I trust you, Ben? Tell me how can I trust a
person who says it’s okay to cheat on his wife because he doesn’t love her?”

“You’re twisting my words, I didn’t mean it that way,” he
said sharply.

“What did you mean then?”

“I meant I didn’t feel married because there was nothing
holding us together but a piece of paper.” Their gazes met and held. “You are
the only woman I ever loved,” he said, his voice low, husky, curling through
her abdomen, causing heat to gather at her core. “And I do feel married to
you
,
even without a piece of paper saying we are.”

Oh, why was he saying these lovely words now, confusing the
issue by causing complete havoc in her heart? Was he expecting to sidetrack her
with his declaration of love and ward off any argument about how he had omitted
the truth for eight whole weeks? She had to be strong and stick to her beliefs
that married people should not cheat.

Jesus, don’t I sound righteous?
“I don’t care.”
Why
am I saying things I don’t mean
?

Ben pushed his fingers through his hair and let out a deep
sigh, a sad look on his face. “Julia, please, what can I say or do to convince
you I didn’t purposely set out to deceive you?”

Julia shrugged.

“Dammit, Julia, I can’t stand it!”

She blinked at him. “Stand what?”

“This!” He waved an impatient hand between them as he tried
to explain. “This cool attitude of yours. It’s like you don’t care.” He reached
out and grabbed her arms. “How can you contemplate giving up on us, Julia?” His
Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and his voice cracked. “When I can’t imagine my
life without you?”

She searched his expression, wondering if the love she saw
in his eyes was a figment of her imagination. His voice softened, as did his
incredible dark eyes. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry for that, and
for not being forthcoming with the truth about my marriage. Can you forgive me?”

Could she forgive him? Her whole being shouted yes but she’d
been so angry at him it was hard to change gears just like that. But her love
for him spoke louder and she nodded, accepting him. Forgiving him.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her gently on the
lips.

“Do you trust me, then?”

Do I trust him?
Could she trust him ever again? How
could she not trust him when she loved him so much? She should say yes. She
tried to say yes as she met his gaze, but the words caught in her throat. She
shook her head and heard him swear. She understood his frustration but she
couldn’t be forced into admitting what she did not feel, and right now she didn’t
feel like she could trust him ever again.

“Ben, I—”

His hand shot up. “Say no more, I’ve got it. You don’t trust
me and you’d rather I left you alone,” he said, looking completely defeated. “I’m
not giving up on us, Julia. I can’t. I’m so in love with you that’s not an
option for me. I realize what I did was wrong. I can imagine how much I hurt
you, how I shattered your trust in me, and I’m more sorry than you can ever
know. But I also know I’ll do whatever it takes to regain your love and
confidence in me.”

He gently stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and
her knees turned to jelly. She wanted to shout out “Please don’t stop. Don’t
stop. Ever!”, but she just looked at him in silence, her mind a whirlpool of
thoughts and emotions.

“I’ll be back when we both have calmed down some,” he said
gently.

When he was gone she threw herself on the sofa and curled up
in a ball, sobbing. Oh God, she hurt so bad. Why did she hurt more now that she
knew he loved her?

* * * * *

He wanted to carry on arguing. He wanted to hold her tight
and show her how much he loved her. He wished to God he had told her about
Lindsay before, but it was too late now for regrets. He knew that with certainty,
and he knew she wasn’t in the mood to listen to anything more he had to say
today. He needed to give her some space and let his words sink in. He was by no
means giving her up but he understood the benefit of a strategic retreat.

With a commission to write an episode for a new sitcom, he
could stay busy and focus on something else other than how much he loved Julia
or how he missed her.
I only hope that’s possible…

He’d said he’d be back, but it had been a week and no word
or sight of Ben.

Better this way. A clean breakup is best.

Who was she kidding? She hurt so badly she hardly ate or
slept. She felt so disconnected with the world most mornings she didn’t want to
get out of bed. But she did get up and go about her daily routine. She put on a
good front so nobody would notice she was miserable or that she missed Ben so
terribly. She often wondered how she’d find the strength to go on through life
without him. But she must—he obviously already had…

With her parents retired and living in New Mexico, her best
friends Stephanie in San Francisco, Jen in NYC and Laura in Boston, she felt
all alone. Perhaps she should join Laura and her family for the school break. Laura
had been so insistent that she should go but she wasn’t really in the mood to
socialize. She’d visit her some other time. Soon.

“Julia, talk to me, honey. What’s making you so unhappy?”

Her students had left ten minutes before and she was still
daydreaming in her classroom. Tears flooded her eyes, her lips quivered. “Ben
and I broke up.”

“Oh Julia, why?” Sarah burst out and immediately amended it
with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so blunt, but the news took me by
surprise. It’s just that you seemed so happy together…so in love.”

Sarah thought they were in love? Well, no surprise there,
she did wear her love on her sleeve for everybody to see. As for Ben, she didn’t
think it had been that obvious, but perhaps other people saw in him what she’d
hoped for from the moment they’d met. It didn’t matter anyway, it was too late
now. It was over. A fat tear ran down her face and dropped on her jacket.

“C’mon, let’s go to my place, open a bottle of wine and
talk.”

Julia thought to decline her invitation but she did need to
talk, and Sarah was such a good friend.

* * * * *

Coat and shoes off, an open bottle sitting on the nearby
table, and a full glass in her hand, Julia sat comfortably on Sarah’s couch,
facing a nice warm fire.

“What happened?” Sarah asked gently.

Julia turned to her friend. “He was married.”

Sarah gasped. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry!” She slipped her
hand over Julia’s and squeezed. They sat in silence for a moment before she
heard Sarah’s low cursing. “If I see the bastard again I’ll give him a good
kick in the balls.” Julia’s wane smile gave Sarah the encouragement to ask, “How
did you find out?”

“I heard his wife’s message on his answering machine.”

“What did she say?” Sarah probed curiously.

“That she didn’t want to get divorced and that she still
loved him.”

“Wow!” Sarah drank deeply. “What did he say when you
confronted him?” she asked, then her eyebrows lifted. “I assume you talked?”

“Oh, yeah, we talked. First he told me his wife had just
granted him the divorce, then he said he’d like to marry me one day.”

Sarah’s eyes widened to the size of small saucers and her
mouth dropped open. “Oh, Julia, he loves you!”

“That’s what he said.”

“So why did you break up?” Sarah asked, sounding puzzled.

“Sarah, he was married and he never said a word! How can I
marry a man I no longer trust?”

Sufficiently chastised, Sarah bit her lip.

“You know how much Ben means to me, how much I love him, but
I can’t overcome the fact he knowingly withheld such a vital piece of
information. And that’s where I get stuck. That, and the fact he said he’d
never give up on us and yet he hasn’t contacted me in a week.”

“Do you want him to?”

“I—”

“The truth, Julia,” Sarah said, lifting a finger.

“Yes, no, I don’t know!”

Sarah topped up their glasses before she spoke again. “Why
don’t you walk me through your hesitation, hon?” Sarah suggested softly.

Julia considered her answer for a moment. “I love him. So
yes, I want to see him. But I’m still mad at him. So no, I don’t want to see
him.”

“And the maybe?”

Julia sighed. “Maybe I should give him another chance…if I
ever see him again.”

Sarah smiled reassuringly. “You will, trust me.”

* * * * *

After the first decent night’s sleep in a week, Julia woke
feeling better—her outlook on life was a little brighter and the future of
their relationship seemed more promising.

Following her talk with Sarah, she’d begun questioning
herself. Had she been too rushed in her decision to end their relationship? Was
she being a bit too righteous in her belief that all couples rush from
separation to divorce, for a clear-cut ending that makes way for a clear-cut
beginning? She had heard that for most couples the motivation to remain married
is financial. She remembered Ben mentioning Lindsey’s motivation was purely
money and status—by staying married for at least eight years she would be able
to get a better settlement, half of his medical benefits, etc. But what had Ben’s
motivation, or lack of it, been?

Inertia.

The desire to avoid an unpleasant task.

An excuse not to remarry.

Textbook excuses that fit Ben’s MO.

She could understand that after the separation the divorce
hadn’t seemed so urgent to him, so why bother? Later, when he decided it was
time to end their marriage she’d refused. To avoid an unpleasant task, and
because he didn’t plan on getting married again—his words—he had not sought to
divorce her again.

Until now.

Once he met Julia.

After he’d fallen in love with
her
and wished to be
married to
her
.

What a beautiful declaration of love! And what a fool she’d
been not to recognize it right away.

* * * * *

She had just gotten out of the shower and gone into the
kitchen for a drink when Fred’s low growl announced someone’s presence at the
door. Tightening the belt on her powder-blue, short silky robe, Julia peeped
through the window next to the main entrance door to check the identity of the
visitor.

Ben!

Delight and angst fought for the lion’s share of her
emotions, leaving her paralyzed.

“C’mon, Julia, are you going to let me freeze out here
before you make up your mind?”

A flush of heat tinted her porcelain skin. Jesus, what
should she do—run upstairs and change and risk him leaving, or open the door
and chance seduction? The choice was easy.

“Hel-lo,” Ben said, his little smile a sure sign of how much
he was enjoying seeing her semi-naked body.

Without breaking eye contact, she stepped back and let him
in. When she caught him staring at her legs she put her hand on her hip and
raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, c’mon, give me a break! I haven’t seen you naked in
almost two weeks.”

“I’m not naked,” she said, turning around and heading for
the kitchen. “I’m having a drink, do you want one?”

“Sure, a beer will be fine,” he said, dropping his coat on
the back of the sofa as he followed her into the kitchen. She gave her walk an
extra swagger and heard him clear his throat. She smiled smugly.

“So, how have you been?” he asked, taking the beer from her
and drinking deeply.

Hurting like hell and missing you something fierce.
“Fine,
you?”

“Not so well…”

Glad to hear I’m not the only one pining.

“I’ve been asked to write an episode for a new sitcom, which
is great,” he said, flashing a toothless smile. “But I’m having a hard time
concentrating, and that’s not so great.” The corner of his mouth dropped and he
made a sad look, causing her to almost smile. He put the bottle down on the
kitchen counter, leaned against it, then shoved his hands in his pockets. His
expression became grave and Julia held her breath as she hugged her waist
tighter. What bad news was he going to announce? His move back to L.A.? His
change of heart about her? What? What?

I could kick myself for being such a dumbass. I so regret
my rushed decision. How I wish I could take it all back… Speak, speak! Tell me
the news. Let’s get this over with quickly.

“I need you to give me a second chance, Julia. I’m going out
of my mind without you. I don’t care if we don’t sleep together—” She sighed.
Although she didn’t care for his last comment, she was relieved he wasn’t
planning on leaving her. Then he added, “Well, I do, but I’ll understand if you
need time.” He took his hands out of his pockets and cupped her elbows. “What I
can’t do, will
not
do, is carry on not seeing you.” His dark gaze
fastened on her bright one. “I love you, Julia, so very much, and if you’ll let
me I’ll show you every day for the rest of our lives.”

Oh my God! He really, really loves me!
Bursting with
joy, she leapt forward, and folding her arms around his neck, she kissed him
deep.

Oh sweet Jesus, how I’ve missed him!

Ben cupped her ass and, grinding his hips against hers,
returned her hot kiss, adding some of his own heat. “Do you want to finish your
drink?” he rasped.

Julia shook her head. “I’m good,” she said, licking the
corner of his mouth, and laughed joyfully when his breath hitched and his cock
grew harder against her belly.

He hoisted her high and walked them to the stairs, his
tongue deep in her mouth. When he stopped at the bottom of the stairs she
hooked her legs around his waist, expecting him to start climbing. Head for the
bedroom. Instead, Ben lowered her onto the third step and began removing his
shirt, exposing his tanned, broad torso to her avid eyes. She waited for his
next move, her heart racing.

He leaned in and brushed his lips over hers. “It’s okay,
trust me.”

That word again, although this time she did not hesitate to
say, “I do.” Whatever he wanted to do with her, she was game.

She reached for his belt. “Later.” He covered her hand with
his. “I must taste you first,” he said with a smirk.

She heated from head to toe.
What? Here? On the stairs?
She glanced at Fred curled up in front of the fire.

“He’ll be fine.” His smirk grew to a full grin. “I’ll be
very quiet.”

She rolled her eyes. They were never quiet, but who cared?

He kissed her slow and sweet, chasing away her inhibitions.
Then he slid down, his mouth trailing along her throat and shoulder as he
unbelted her robe. His breath halted at the sight of her naked body. “You’re so
beautiful.” The admiration she saw in his eyes backed his words. Amazing how a
simple compliment excited her.

His hands curved around her shoulders, then slowly ran down
her arms, his touch awakening every nerve ending in her body. She wanted to
open her legs and shove his head between her thighs, enjoy his expert kissing ’til
she screamed down the house—which would not take long considering how aroused
she felt.

His mouth crawled down her chest, belly and lower. Ben
palmed her breast and exhaled before he plunged in. She whimpered, opening
herself to him as she grabbed the banister with one hand and rested the other
on his shoulder. She was ready. She inhaled deeply and braced herself for mind-blowing
sex.

Ben circled her clit a few times, licked and sucked until
her thighs began to quiver. Then he pulled back and slid a finger along her
slit, drawing out the juices. When he stroked the entrance and pushed inside,
Julia bucked and moaned out loud.

He surged up and took her mouth. “You taste delicious.” Two
of his fingers slid into her channel in a come-hither motion, his other hand
squeezing her mound.

“Ben, I’m coming,” she cried out, her body shuddering with
every word, her cries and moans hitching higher and higher.

His eyes locked with hers while his thumb pressed her
rock-hard clit. “Yeah, come for me, baby.” She did, writhing with every stroke,
groaning with each thrust, shouting out his name time and time again until all
energy was sucked out of her body.

She sat down and Ben gathered her in his arms and waited for
her to surface. The gesture brought tears to her eyes. He was so sweet. Who
would have thought from that first encounter he had it in him? Love transformed
people. Never more true than in Ben’s case. She looked at him and he smiled
with an intensity that reminded her he had yet to find his release. She
unsnapped his jeans and his cock sprang free. Before she could touch him he
caught her wrist.

“I want to be inside you.”

Her pussy clenched at the thought of his thick, warm cock
pulsing inside her. She smiled at him. “Sofa or bed?”

“Stairs.”

Her eyes widened but she complied when he turned her around.
She looked over her shoulder at the sound of foil ripping and watched him
sheathing himself with painstakingly slow care. Then he gripped her hips and
eased himself into her.

“Oh God,” they groaned together.

She couldn’t think. He was so warm, hard and slick, sliding
in and out of her, quickly bringing her near orgasm, which she didn’t think
possible so soon after the last one.

“Oh, Ben, it’s so good!” she said in a rush of breath, and
pressed her hands on the edge of the step above her head, rearing into him.

“Oh fuck!” he growled, grinding harder, getting deeper.

His firm hold of her hips and hard thrusts drove her to the
edge. “Yes, yes, yes. Oh God. Ben!”

One of his hands landed on her shoulder, the other went
around her hip to cup her pussy, his thumb pressed against her clit, rotating. “Oh,
so good. So good!”

Ben buried his face in her neck and nuzzled, kissed, nibbled
the sensitive spot behind her neck, his groans growing louder, and her whole
body tensed up. She heard him growl, then grunt, then frantically buck as he
poured himself in her. Two more fast dives and a last stroke to her clit and
she was there. Right by his side as wave after wave rocked through them.

“Are you okay?”

Okay?
That was the understatement of the year. She
was so wonderfully happy she could hardly contain her joy. “Yeah,” she said
smiling, her voice warm and raspy.