Do Overs (3 page)

“Hey there, Lila.” Colin waved.

I smiled back at him with my best flirty, light-hearted grin, but I probably looked more like a fool.

“Hi.” I strolled up to meet him, suddenly tongue-tied.
Damn.
If I’d been more like Misty he’d be wound around my little finger by now. Yeah, she moved that quickly.

Colin didn’t seem to mind. His eyes weren’t on me anyway. He cased the place, searching for the perfect spot to draw me, I guess. I didn’t think he had any of his paints with him, or a canvas in the small leather bag slung over his shoulder.

“I’m just going to sketch this out today. Over there, I guess.”

I followed him over to an area void of any other humans. He studied the spot, swung his gaze over to look at the water, over to me, and back to the spot.

“Yeah, I guess this will do. Sit down. Kind of recline on one arm and look out at the water.”

I did what he asked. I wanted to look at him, but forced my gaze out to Casco Bay. “Is this
okay?”

“Hmm. Yeah, fine. Just hold it. No, tip your head a little to the left. Good.”

Oh, my God.
How long would I have to sit like this? His pencil scribbled away on the paper in
quick strokes. As the minutes crawled, the tingle in my arms raged and my neck ached.

Be strong.

The only way I could bear the discomfort was to remember who sketched me. I didn’t want to wimp out by collapsing on the grass. Calm, cool. That’s what I wanted to be.

This time around
.

As I sat there, in mild pain and discomfort, I realized how much I could do differently this time. I mean really different. I could totally reconstruct myself. A small smile drew my lips back and I glanced over at Colin, imagined him kissing me. The thought of his lips on mine sent those delicious tingles all through my body. I bet he knew how to kiss.

“Nearly done.” His voice cut into my personal fantasy, but I didn’t mind. Getting hot and bothered on the Eastern Prom probably wasn’t the best idea. There were too many people around for that kind of game of make believe.

Thank God.
This reconstruction of a new me would start by joining a gym. Or at least I planned
to lift a weight or two. Why hadn’t I noticed how out of shape I’d been back then? Oh, yeah, my budding career stole all my time.

“Okay, relax.”

I fell back into the grass and stared up at the sky, a smile on my face. Relax? Sure, I could relax all day. My tension soaked into the grass beneath me. I inhaled and held the briny air in my lungs. I hadn’t smelled anything so fantastic in years. I didn’t ever want to move. I wanted to lie here and gaze as the sky went from powder blue, to twilight purple and right into darkness filled with a blanket of stars. Maybe if I were lucky Colin would join me.

Luck steered clear of me. In fact things went from sublime to ridiculous before I could even consider asking Colin over.

“Lila Shelton, you’re fired.”

All that tension I thought I’d gotten rid of tightened every muscle of my body again. I leapt to my feet. I’d been caught. As an HR person I knew the fatality of those two words.

Arms across her chest and looking like an exasperated schoolteacher, Tammy Hewitt towered over me like an angry giant. Tammy, my uptight boss who absolutely never took lunch breaks and wasn’t the type to take a stroll on the Prom. Her dedication to her job both annoyed and amazed me back then.
Oh God. I turned into her.
Well, my forty-four year old self turned out to be like her. These truths grew uglier the more I uncovered. Inwardly, I groaned.

Fate really messed with my head today.

“Tammy,” I choked out and brushed some grass off my dress. I had no defense. She caught me and nothing in the world could get me out of this.

“I can’t believe this.” Tammy’s knife sharp voice sliced, but her narrowed glare cut me deeper. Instinctively my gaze shifted down to my bare feet. I couldn’t look into those cold gray depths with the knowledge of how badly I screwed up.

“I thought you were better than this.” And then she went on and on about how I let her down, how she always believed I had a
future
. Now I was a huge disappointment and wasted so much of her time grooming me.

Grooming me?

Jaw tight, I finally met her steely gaze. Her admission creeped me out just a little bit. Tiny spider-like prickles crawled up my back no matter how I tried to mentally shake them off. It only took a few years under her thumb to figure out she’d been preparing me for something bigger.

I didn’t complain. I appreciated learning all the little tricks of the trade. But her sky-high expectations added to the weight on my shoulders. If I couldn’t handle what she asked she made me feel like a failure with her crushing look and severe criticisms. Like right now.

Except I wasn’t quite the greenhorn I’d been “back then.” I wouldn’t crumble.

Yet if not for Tammy I don’t think I would have attained the success I knew in my older life. I had to give her some respect, particularly since I crashed her high expectations.

“I’ll have your things packed into a box. You can pick them up at the front desk at four-fifty-five.” She issued the order in a withering tone and dismissed me with one long look down her nose. Disappointment and trepidation filled me like a heavy, cold liquid. I clenched my fists and started to open my mouth to say something—anything to stop her from canning me. I had the strength in me now to fight for another chance.

But I remained silent. I bit my lip and took in a deep breath through my nose. The sea air refreshed me, invigorated me and at that moment I let my future in the big world of HR possibly slip away.

So that settled everything. Tammy stalked away, her back straight, the same ponytail she’d worn every day for two years bobbing against her neck.

And I could only conjure up a sliver of regret.

“Wow, she needs a vacation.” Colin’s voice was overly light as he packed up his gear.

I shot him a look of disbelief. Easy for him to be so cavalier. I’d just tossed my future away because my damned hormones couldn’t resist Colin’s silky voice and to-die-for looks. I wanted to kick him in the ass, my anger at his comment flared hot, then cooled.

I couldn’t blame him. He had no clue I was supposed to be on my deathbed today. No, the fault totally lay at my feet and I’d have to deal with the consequences. That meant unemployment and job hunting. Despite the fact I wanted this new beginning, starting out again would be a pain in the butt.

I rubbed my neck. The tension returned and held my muscles in a death grip

Colin stood, slung his bag over his shoulder, walked over to me and held his hand out. “Come on, let’s get a coffee. It’s the least I can do for getting you canned.”

I took hold of his hand and a painless but electric jolt shot through my whole body. Potent, bizarre and so powerful it almost sent me rolling down the hill toward the Bay. In the shimmering, glowing vision before me he and I were in an embrace, kissing. No, nothing so tepid as kissing. Passion engulfed me, burned me up, and drowned my brain with its force. Soaring lust swept me up into the sky. Total and complete desire sizzled with each touch.

Danger sizzled too. This man kissing me was a bad boy Colin, not the Colin I knew. I liked it though. Adrenaline rushed through me, heating me up, threatening to burn me to cinders. I should have pulled away. This kind of hunger would bring nothing but trouble.

But who wanted to turn from passion as hot as this?
The kind I never feel with Bob.

As crazy as it sounded, this sexy vision might as well have been real. I might as well have been cheating on Bob with this fantasy. Excitement, danger, and a good dash of shame mixed together. I wanted it to go on, but this new aspect of my crazy day scared me too much.

I snatched my hand away from Colin’s, breaking the hallucination and rubbed it against my hip as if to remove the emotions that garbled my brain, and dissipate the sparks from his imaginary lovemaking. Make believe, nothing more and nothing could change that. Guys like Colin didn’t leave girls like Misty for likes of me. Of course I didn’t want to let him know Misty found a bit of recreation elsewhere. All a part of Misty’s M.O. Colin would be the latest casualty. A flicker of hope sprung from my momentary brush with reality. Maybe he’d turn to me if Misty cast him aside.

If it weren’t for my future with Bob maybe I could mend Colin’s soon to be broken heart.

I recalled the flash, the passion contained in the one quick image and feeling.
What was that?
Another rip in my fabric of time? Something that could be? That would be?

A part of me wanted to reach out and touch him again, find out if the jolt would be repeated, but by the look on his face, the half-smile, the hooded eyes, I really didn’t think he shared the same experience.

A dull ache thudded against my temples. My brain was close to overload. I’d take advantage of Colin’s offer of coffee, then go home, climb under the covers, wake up and be forty-four again. Believe it or not, things were much simpler at forty-four. I knew what to expect.

We gave up on the idea of coffee and opted instead for nachos at a little smoke-filled dive bar on Commercial Street. Despite the scarred Formica table we sat at or the distinct odor of stale beer, nachos in this bar were a better solution to my problems than hiding under blankets.

Colin did his best to make me laugh. The Colin who sat across from me wasn’t anything like my fantasy. This guy was the Colin I knew, the beautiful, sensitive artist with the Monty Python sense of humor. I appreciated his efforts to make me forget what happened up on the Prom.

He was totally wasted on Misty. Whenever I looked into those eyes of his I recalled the flash. Was this little message from fate? Was Colin meant to be the love of my life and I’d been presented with a chance to “put things right” and not get with Bob?

At three p.m. we said goodbye. When he reached out to shake my hand, I held my breath in anticipation, waiting for that
zing
, but got nothing. Interesting. The lack of a flash left me deflated, but there was no figuring these incidents out. They were going to come whenever they felt like it, with no warning.

Less than two hours remained before my walk of shame to my office to reclaim my belongings. With no one to hide from now, I wandered the Old Port. I loved that area of town. Each shop and pub brought back memories of browsing, and wishing I could afford the little trinkets I liked.

And bar hopping with friends until all hours. Dancing. Eating pizza. I really loved those years.
These years
. They'd passed too quickly the first time. This time I’d cherish every sight and
smell.

When it was finally time to go to the charter boat tour office, three bags were slung over my arm. A little self-indulgence. I remembered the tiny vintage shop tucked away on Exchange Street. I loved to browse in there, but had to be careful with my money so I generally left empty-handed. Today I came out with a cute pair of shoes and a blouse. I went into a gem shop and bought a small, lemon topaz pendant on a long silver chain and then finally to a second hand
music store and bought a Beatles album, chuckling to myself that in a few years time CD’s were going to be taking over the music world. Right now it was all about albums and cassettes.

I continued my literal trip down Memory Lane by wandering up to Tommy’s Park. I sat down and looked across Market Street and smiled. My very first apartment, during the summer between my junior and senior year in college, was in that big old brick building. How I loved our tiny two-bedroom unit with the huge windows and the kitchen that was so narrow it could only accommodate one person at a time.

I had loved the gorgeous hardwood floors. I even loved the stupid smoke detector that hung from a wire and went off every time the tenants upstairs partied, and the old fashioned elevator that didn’t work half the time.

My Manhattan palace could house five Market Street apartments. Picturing its perfection didn’t move me near as much as remembering those simple times in Portland. My young and innocent times may have been a struggle, but were filled with hope and dreams instead of bland responsibility.

Time came for me to walk back to the office on Commercial Street. Instead of feeling dread and shame, I kept my head high when I went to the front desk. I even smiled at Marie, the girl who sold tickets for the tours. She slid a box across the counter toward me.

“I’m sorry.” She held her voice in a whisper, and I could see a bit of fear in her eyes. Tammy intimidated her more than anyone else and for a moment a swell of guilt filled me. We were friends and I deserted her.

I glanced behind her. Tammy paced in the office, glaring and fuming. I looked back at Marie. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m not sad.”

“Aaron is pissed off. I mean really, he lit into Tammy when she made the announcement this afternoon.”

My heart took off again. Oh, Aaron. How could I have not thought about him since returning this morning? I’d lost track of him over past twenty years, but he still came into my thoughts often. He’d been my best friend in the whole world back then. Well,
now.
Aaron had been a kindred spirit.