Documentary (46 page)

“Where are we going?” she asked when he put her down.

Kai pointed. “Up there.”

Dylan looked at the replica Eiffel Tower soaring over them, and she shook her head in confusion. “How? It’s closed for the night.”

Kai scoffed and waved his arms in the air. “You ask too many questions.”

“That’s how people manage to not end up accessories to crime after the fact,” she said, laughing
, as he pulled her inside the Paris Las Vegas just as a guy on the street offered them a flyer for hookers. The casino floor was like a flood to her senses: they passed some guys with “yard” drinks on straps draped around their necks, tourists in gaudy gift shop shirts sitting at the card tables looking like they were on their last dimes, ringing slot machines, a group of drunk twenty-somethings on their way out to celebrate New Year’s, waitresses in tiny French maid costumes serving drinks to already drunk gamblers, the vague punching beat of distant nightclub music and the fog of cigarette smoke. Vegas was a collective spit in the face of everything parents ever warned their kids about.

Kai nodded to a man who escorted them to an elevator near a group of Wheel of Fortune slot games where Pat Sajak’s voice was on an eternal loop.

“Once the car goes up, you’ve got ten minutes,” the man said. “You’re not back down here by then, you’ll probably be arrested for trespassing.” Kai nodded again after he pushed some bills into his hand as they stepped on. They stood against the back wall of the elevator, and he clutched her hand until heat pulsed between their palms. Holding his hand still made her stomach seize and her heart rush. It was so easy to admit to how she felt about him to herself, but speaking it out loud was tougher, scarier.

“I’m going to se
e the real one at the end of next year. How did you…?” she asked, tilting her head up at him.

“I overheard you talking to you
r parents about Paris for Christmas. I hated that I wouldn’t be coming with you, and I wanted to show you the Eiffel Tower first.” He had said it all without looking at her. He was still subdued and quiet, like in the previous days.

“It seems like you went to some trouble. Thank you.” Dylan leaned her head against his shoulder. The elevator car allowed a peek of The Strip below through the crisscrossing metal of the tower as it whisked them up higher and higher. Dylan stared down at the river of white
and red lights on the road below and the dark fountains of the Bellagio across the street. The open spaces also filtered in cool December air so she turned and pressed herself against his chest. He tensed initially but pulled her closer and rested his cheek against her forehead. His warmth was so inviting, she stopped caring about the view outside. She didn’t care about where they were or who he was or what happened tomorrow.
I just want him.
Maybe it was time to say so? Maybe she finally had the courage to choose
this
, choose them, and choose herself. Her pulse went full throttle.

“Perfect timing.”
He swiveled her around to the scenery, and the sparkling white lights of the Bellagio fountains burst into the air with the water in tune with “Viva Las Vegas.” They watched with his arms wrapped around her. She smiled as he quietly mimicked Elvis’ voice, and they cheered when the last bits of lit water crashed into the pool below with a final booming sound.

“Woo!! This was amazing. I think I’ve seen every show today, but nothing beats seeing it from up here at night,” she said, hugging him. “Thank you so much. Vegas. Bellagio. Eiffel Tower. Really one of the best birthdays ever, Kai.”

Kai cradled her face and stared at her like he was listening to her heartbeat and not her words. “You deserve all of it. You deserve a wonderful life. You have so much to look forward to when you get back to San Francisco.” Kai pressed his lips to her forehead and held them there for a beat. “Happy birthday, Dylan.”

She swept his hair back with her fingers. “Thanks…” But she wondered how such sweet words could feel so earth-shatteringly heartbreaking at the same time. Something felt off...almost like an
ending.

He was completely silent on the way down and on the walk back to their room at the Bellagio. The entire group
of friends kicked everyone out and departed together a short time later, taking cabs to the Palms Hotel, which wasn’t on Las Vegas Boulevard. Wes’ club promoter friend escorted them into Rain nightclub, which was congested with sweaty New Year’s Eve revelers, and up an elevator to the two reserved skybox VIP balconies above the main dance floor. Servers blew through with buckets of ice and expensive liquor with sparklers shooting from the tops, before Dylan and her friends danced their way toward midnight.

“All right…all right…all right, Vegas!! This is DJ Lucky and we’re just about a minute away, so grab your glasses, make sure they’re full and find some lips,” the deejay said over the speakers, and the crowd exploded in cheers. Wes led the charge of replenishing everyone’s glasses.

“Where’s Kai?” she asked as she took a tiny sip of champagne from her glass.

“I’v
e barely seen him around since we got here.” Wes shrugged before he took a gulp from one of the glasses he was double fisting.

“10…9…8…”
Dylan angled her neck, looking around for Kai. She leaned over the balcony and looked in both directions to the other skyboxes. She figured maybe some fans had recognized him and stolen him away for a few minutes.

“7…6...5...4…”
Wes bumped her arm with his elbow and asked,
“Kiss on the cheek?”

“3…2…1…Happy New Year!”
The ceiling released a shower of gold and silver confetti and balloons over their heads. Odette and Seth embraced before he dipped her into a kiss. Jamie was making out with a guy in a tux. Abel kissed one, two, three, four girls in one of the skyboxes a ways down, and Wes was aiming his puffed up cheek at her. After some reluctance, she puckered her lips and leaned in just in time for him to twist his head. Wes exaggerated the smacking sound but pulled back before their lips connected.

“Wes! You said cheek!” Dylan screamed
, recoiling. “We almost kissed! Don’t you know what they say about what you’re doing at midnight on New Year’s? How it defines the rest of the year?!”

“
Didn’t look like anyone else was going to do it,” Wes said, before downing his second drink.

“Oh, well then…” Dylan rolled her eyes
and slapped him on the cheek lightly. “…Thanks for the pity
almost
kiss.”

His gaze drifted away to something behind her. Dylan spun on her heels and locked eyes with Kai, standing alone behind the skyboxes, staring out into nowhere. Her stomach tightened when she saw the sad, distant look on his face. Why hadn’t he come to her? It confirmed what sh
e had suspected when they were atop the Eiffel Tower.

He was giving her up.

She waved until she caught his eye, and he forced a tight smile before walking toward the elevator and getting in. He was leaving. Dylan charged across the VIP area to the staircase and beat him to the first floor. The rush of alcohol made her legs tingly.

“Where are you going?” she asked, confused and rattled, when the doors opened. Kai walked past her, but he turned to face her after a few steps. The crowd downstairs was insane and packed tightly into the space. The VIP elevators were cordoned off and patrolled by security, so they could avoid the craziness until they stepped past the velvet rope.

“Heading out,” Kai said impassively. Before he could move away, she grabbed his arm.

“Is it because o
f Wes kissing me?” she asked. “‘Cause he didn’t… really.”

“Not even close,” Kai said with a small, hopeless smile. “I want to put my fist down his throat
for even pretending to, but…it’s not like you’re…never mind.” He shook his head.

“Then why are you leaving the party?”

“I already gave you your present. I’m tired. Today was a long day. I want to get some sleep before you guys stumble in later.” Kai wrapped his arms around her and his breaths sputtered out near her ear. “Goodnight.” His lips smashed against her temple.

“Kai, why did earlier tonight feel so...final? Like you were…”

“Letting you go,” he said unemotionally, before he pulled away and walked into the madness of celebration. Dylan cringed because he had confirmed her theory. It was like the night in Lahaina all over again, except he was dishing what she had dealt. She was stunned. Her legs went weak, her breathing caught in her throat, but she followed him, fisting her hand around his sleeve when she reached him. They were in the middle of drunken dancers, and the laughter around them suddenly felt cruel.

When Kai spun around, she said, “Y
ou wanted me to have a good birthday so you could dump me?”

Kai leaned in
to her ear and placed his lips right up against it. “You can’t get rid of something you never had, Dylan. I never had you. But you’ve always had me. From day one. From the minute you looked at me like I wasn’t Butch. And a few days ago, I chose you, and I hoped you would choose me, too. You didn’t,” he said flatly. “Are we done reminiscing?”

The
words hit Dylan like ice water then her skin went hot. She was still clutching his sleeve, unsure of what to say. It’s not like she could argue anything different. He was right. She hadn’t chosen him. She’d had the opportunity and she’d wanted to, but she didn’t. He hadn’t asked her to let go of Mac—even though she was starting to figure out that she needed to—but still, she was clinging to her brother. She was hanging on to a past she couldn’t change and losing her opportunity to help shape
their
future.

He stood still like he was wishing for her to say something. When she looked up at him compassionately, still trying to find
the strength to say the words as tears welled in her eyes, Kai gently pried her fingers off him. “YOU’RE LEAVING.” His eyes emptied of the slight traces of kindness they still had left. Abject sadness, the kind that only blooms where this kind of unrequited affinity exists, knifed her through his gaze. “And people always leave. The ones I hope stay never do. No matter how much I love them, people always leave me. It’s never fucking enough to change anything. My dad. My mom. My family. My band. Eventually all of them will leave, too, because they all have people who love them back.” He cocked his chin at the skybox. “Fame and fortune, and I’m still the fuck up who ends up alone. Just like Butch.”

Dylan palmed a tear off her cheek, and Kai huffed out a heavy breath. He started to brush another one of her tears away but he stopped himself. “I wanted so badly to keep my distance because I didn’t want this. But how could I, when you’re so beautiful and sweet, when
I thought you saw past my shit? But I also didn’t want to have to deal with this again. Didn’t want to have to deal with never being enough for people to stay.”

He held her face in his palms. His own face softened. “You look beautiful tonight. I didn’t want to ruin your birthday, Dyl. I’m so sorry. It’s the last thing I wanted to do.
Tonight wasn’t when I wanted to have this conversation. I wanted to wait. Hurting you is unbearable…but so was watching you tonight, remembering that I was losing you. I’ve also watched you make plans that didn’t include me. And I can’t even begin to express how that feels.

“
You know why I’m always staring at you? I don’t want to forget any part of you, ever. Because you’re leaving, and maybe I always knew you would. You’re leaving me, without even a chance of coming back. You’re shutting me out, even though I see you. I see your struggle, and I know it.

“
I’m not necessarily saying I won’t be here if you need me, but you
know
we can’t really be friends. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk away from you, but you said you
can’t
, and I don’t want to hold on, if you want to go. You can never keep anybody that way. It’s been killing me slowly knowing that a morning exists where I’ll wake up and you won’t be there. When you actually go, it’ll finish me off, so for self-preservation, I have to do it first.” He dropped his hands and she watched him go until the darkness swallowed him up.

Dylan went numb, moving only when the frenetic crowd bumped her around. She was still staring at the spot where he had stood, even though someone else was already occupying it.

Kai was gone.

Everything started to slow down. The bodies moved like they were marionettes. The song from the speakers swam around the room in a lethargic drawl. The bite of his words slithered through her like a viper before she completely broke down into
an unending wave of sobs. He was wrong. He was so wrong in thinking it was him. It was
her
. She just didn’t know how there was enough of her left for anybody.

Three days. Wintervention’s Miami weekend was three days away, and Dylan didn’t want t
o go. She wanted to stay in Lahaina. She wanted to go to San Francisco. She wanted to go home. Anywhere that she wouldn’t have to face Kai after the mess that was Vegas. At least he wasn’t on Maui.

But she ached for him anyway.

She pulled the covers from over her head when someone knocked on her bedroom door. After wiping her eyes across her arm, she sat up. “Come in.”