Doing It (17 page)

And – well, let’s be honest about it. I
wanted
to go home afterwards. I didn’t want to spend the night in her bed. It made me feel uncomfortable.

‘We should do this more often,’ she said, snuggling down and holding onto my arm.

‘Mmm.’ I draped my arm over her shoulders.

‘What about Thursdays?’

‘Thursdays?’

‘Why not? If you can’t stay over?’

Maybe but … I didn’t want to do that either. I suppose it sounds stupid. One minute it’s heaven and the next I want to go back home to Mum and Dad. Maybe you think I was being a bastard, but it’s an edgy business, having it off with Miss. I suppose I just wanted to keep it at arm’s length. I lay there for a bit trying to think of a good reason not to come on Thursdays. I have footie practice, there’s a good programme on TV, I have to stay in and do homework. No no no no.

‘Can’t really get away.’

‘Why not?’

‘They’re always on at me. I’m always out. I’m out tonight, I’m out seeing me mates tomorrow, I’m out with you on Sundays. You know.’

There was a silence.

‘I feel as though I’m having to beg,’ she said at last.

It was new, all this. So far she’d been very keen about keeping it down to a couple of times a week, not seeing too much of one another. She could lose her job – in fact, she could lose her whole career if anyone ever found out about it. No one’d ever give her a job in teaching again if they knew she shagged the students.

Shagging the students. I used to say that to her but it always made her cross.

‘I shag you,’ she said. ‘Just one, Ben, in case you thought I was having it off with the rest of the year. I’m not, for your information.’

‘Sorry, Miss.’

But. So why the change?

‘What’s this about?’ I asked her.

‘What’s what about?’

‘You wanting to start seeing more of me?’

‘I’m just trying to find a way of doing this more often,’ she said, all huffy.

‘Really?’

‘You’re so paranoid!’

‘You just sound … I mean I thought we’d agreed it was the right thing to be careful and not see too much of each other.’

‘Just because I like the idea of another evening?’

‘Sorry,’ I said.

‘You’re so paranoid.’

I looked at her. ‘Well, you know, I’d love to do it more often, but it’s really awkward.’

‘Why?’

‘It just is. At home. Getting out. You know? It’s not that they don’t let me, but it’s just difficult. I have to talk to them and tell them what I’m up to. It’s just awkward. Like having an affair, I suppose,’ I said.

That seemed to make sense to her. She nodded and pulled a face. ‘I suppose. We’ll have to try and think of something.’

I didn’t say anything. I sat up and picked up the Frosties and tried to watch the film. I was scared she was going to go all hurt, but it was OK. I drank the beer, watched the movie and we had a lovely big snog on the doorstep before I went home. Delicious. Going home afterwards was fairly delicious too.

‘Are you sure you’re prepared to go through with this?’ asked Sue.

‘Go through it again.’

‘You’re very fond of him.’

‘Right.’

‘But for some reason’ – Sue sighed impatiently – ‘you can’t bring yourself to sleep with him.’

‘But I still want to go
out
with him.’

‘Yes, but with no sex.’

‘For now.’

‘No, not for now! That sounds like maybe next week, same as usual. You don’t want to even consider sex for the foreseeable future.’

‘He’ll chuck me!’ wailed Jackie.

That’s the plan, isn’t it? hissed her friend silently to herself, but what she actually said was, ‘Well, maybe, maybe not, who knows? Maybe it’s like you say, he’s more decent than you think. But if he loses interest just because of that, you don’t want him. Right?’

Jackie pulled a face but she knew it was right. She couldn’t keep on making promises about a sex life which, when it came down to it, she was unable to participate in.

‘Either he’s prepared to put up with it or he isn’t. If he wants you for yourself, he’ll say yes. And if he doesn’t, that’s that. And then perhaps we can stop having this conversation, and talk about something interesting. Like me, for instance,’ she added hopefully.

Jackie rehearsed her lines, did her make-up, wept and did her make-up again. Sue soothed her and patted her and plied her with tissues and told her to be strong. She was fairly certain Dino would chuck her. It wouldn’t last, of course, they’d be an item again within the week, but at least Jackie would gain a few Dino-free days. In the event, she didn’t even manage that. At the time it was a complete surprise to Jackie the way things turned out and it was only in retrospect that she realised what a typically Dinoesque situation it was, the way he sidestepped her plans so effortlessly and manipulated her so blatantly, like a man working a complicated marionette puppet with one hand, while his real attention was taken up flicking through the TV channels with the other.

It started out so well. Her parents were out late that evening. Dino came round as arranged and they had a couple of hours ahead if necessary, although she wasn’t expecting it to take anything like that long. She made him a cup of coffee and got straight on with it. She was very very fond of him but she didn’t somehow feel confident enough of their relationship to sleep with him. Sleeping with someone, she explained, was a very special thing, a very close thing, a very intimate thing. Of course, she fancied him something chronic, she couldn’t keep her hands off him; but something was holding her back. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she had decided that she had to respect it and she wanted Dino to respect it too.

‘Yeah. I think you’re right,’ said Dino.

‘Pardon?’

‘Right, I agree with you.’

‘You agree?’

‘Yeah. Let’s give it a bit of time. There’s no hurry. Maybe you have a problem in that department. Maybe there’s some sort of experience you had once.’

‘I don’t think so, Dino,’ she replied carefully.

‘You must have covered it up. I dunno. But yes, you’re right. Let’s leave the sex for now. Is that what you wanted?’ he added anxiously.

‘Yes, yes, that’s right,’ exclaimed Jackie. Her hand was shaking so much she had to put her coffee carefully down on the table to avoid spilling it.

‘God!’ Dino clutched his chest. ‘You gave me a fright. I thought you were chucking me there for a moment.’

‘No no no.’

Dino shook his head. She really had scared him. He looked closely at her. ‘You don’t look very pleased,’ he complained.

‘Oh, I am. I really am.’

But the truth was, her first reaction was one of disappointment. She’d been thinking, that was it. No more worry and anxiety and fighting her better judgement. No more bullshit. Dino was going to behave like an arse and that was that. Instead, he was just terrified that she was going to chuck him.

‘You’re sure about this?’ she asked.

‘You
are
chucking me, aren’t you!’

‘No. But …’

‘What?’

‘It’s just that, you know … I really thought you wouldn’t want to know.’

‘What do you think I am? Some sort of arse? No, if that’s how you feel, sure. I mean, of course.’

‘Oh, Dino!’ The disappointment passed. She was so pleased she jumped up and wrapped herself round him. She’d underestimated him! He loved her after all! See? Suddenly they were in a clinch on the settee loosening one another’s jeans.

‘Ooooo, that’s nice,’ said Jackie. She was just so grateful, so happy that Sue had been wrong. She sort of let go. After a bit, someone knocked the coffee table and one of the cups slopped over. Jackie got up to clean things up and Dino came up behind her and seized her from behind. He pushed her forward until she jammed up against the back of the settee. Jackie bent over it and he began banging himself against her bum. He was looking down, trying to imagine that the thin layers of jeans and knickers were gone, but he was still a good six inches from where he wanted to be. Jackie lay there and soaked into her jeans. At the back of her mouth the words formed,

‘Go on then – take them off.’ She could feel the sentence moving inside her. She whispered it soundlessly just to see what it felt like and it felt just so gorgeous, so salty and sexy and true, that she wondered if, despite everything, she might actually say them.

‘Go on then – take them off,’ she heard herself saying.

Dino paused in his bangings. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. Go on.’

She raised herself slightly off the settee while he felt underneath her for the zip. The zipper slid down with a growl. He tugged. Jeans and knickers came suddenly down and she felt the cool air on her bum.

‘No!’ she shrieked. She jumped up, spun round and tugged the jeans back up. ‘Don’t do that!’ she snapped.

‘But you said,’ complained Dino.

For a second they both stood staring at one another.

‘See?’ she told him. ‘I’m mad. I need looking after. Next time I tell you to do that – just don’t, OK?’

‘God,’ said Dino. She put her hand to her mouth and started to shake with the giggles, while Dino stood watching her, lust vying with frustration vying with wanting to be sweet. Every time she looked at his face she laughed more. She kept expecting him to join in, but Dino just stood and stared at her with a wry smile on his face while she shook with hysterics. It went on for ages, until he got fed up with it and stalked out into the kitchen. Alone, she came suddenly to her senses, walked three times round the room and ran out to him to apologise. Amazingly, he was OK about it. More proof! She really had misjudged him.

They sat back down with their coffees. Jackie was delighted. He was sweet! He really was sweet. He hadn’t a clue what she was going through, but he was respecting it because she’d asked him to. And here she was still being an arse! That was pretty bloody good, wasn’t it? Her initial instinct had been right after all – there was more to him than met the eye. Under the bullshit was a kind, sweet boy.

Dino leaned back on the sofa, basking in her approval. On the spur of the moment, he told her all about his mum and Dave Short. He hadn’t planned on it. He had no idea why. He just found himself saying it.

‘I was just remembering,’ he said. ‘My mum’s having an affair with someone from her school. I caught them at it the other day in the front room.’

‘
What?
’

‘You know …’ He looked sideways at her. ‘She’s having an affair.’ Dino smiled at her. He meant it to be amused, but his smile was a terrible grimace. Suddenly it sounded awful – exactly what he didn’t want it to be. He stopped smiling and scowled at Jackie, daring her to be appalled.

Jackie scowled back. ‘When did this happen?’

‘Just before the party,’ admitted Dino, closely watching her face.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I don’t know. The party and everything. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.’

‘Doesn’t matter?’ Jackie was desperately trying to work it out. Had his unexpected compliance got anything to do with this? She stood up and pulled her jeans up, as if they were still on the way down. She sat down again. ‘OK. Go on.’

‘There’s nothing to tell, really,’ said Dino. And then he told her everything – everything, that is, except for the fact that he had been alternating between total amnesia and utter turmoil about it ever since.

‘I don’t think she even knows I saw them,’ he lied.

‘If she didn’t, she does now. After what you said to your dad about Dave Short going away with them for the weekend.’

‘That didn’t mean anything,’ insisted Dino irritably. It was so typical! He’d been so understanding and grown-up and now look. Far from reassuring him, she was trying to make out it was some sort of disaster.

Jackie decided to take it at face value and be outraged. ‘Well, how could she do that to your dad? And to you! In your own house! And she hasn’t even come to speak to you about it. Oh, Dino, you must feel awful.’

‘Not really,’ he told her coolly. ‘It’s their business, isn’t it?’

‘It’s your business too! Well, if she won’t talk to you about it, you’ll have to talk to her about it.’

‘Don’t be stupid.’

‘Can’t you? How awful.’

‘No. It isn’t that bad.’

‘Isn’t it?’ Jackie looked carefully at him. It was happening: he was getting upset
with her.
He was looking to one side, pulling a face, sneering at her concern. She could watch it happening. Dino was rushing into denial.

‘Dino?’

‘Bollocks,’ he told her, and turned away.

Jackie grabbed him by the arm and swung him round to face her. This was important. He needed her, and here he was vanishing in front of her eyes.

‘I care for you,’ she hissed. ‘How dare you just vanish on me. Dino! Look at me!’

Dino looked at her and began to sneer but before he finished it his eyes filled with tears. He was amazed. Tears? Where had they come from? What had he got to be upset about?

‘Oh, Dino.’ She put her hand gently on the side of his face. His whole face wobbled with sorrow and amazement. Then he took her in his arms, buried his face in her hair and sobbed.

An hour or so later, after she closed the door behind him, Jackie went to look at herself in the mirror in the front room. Her hair was still damp on one side where he had wept on it. Somewhere in the back of her mind a little voice – Sue’s probably – was muttering away that there, see, he’s done it again. Just as she thought he was being understanding and thoughtful it turned out he had an agenda of his own. Well, maybe – but Jackie didn’t care. He’d clung tight like a big baby sobbing his heart out. He’d given her his bleeding heart. He needed her.

‘I’ve never cried like that before,’ he said to her afterwards. ‘I don’t think I could with anyone else.’ And so he had wrapped her into his heart more tightly than ever.

Shortly after, the phone rang. It was Sue wanting to know how she got on.

‘It was amazing,’ said Jackie. ‘He took it!’

‘He what?’ demanded Sue.

‘He took it! He accepted the deal!’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, of course I’m sure. He said he understood.’