Dollenganger 06 My Sweet Audrina (7 page)

Once I was outside, Papa's words kept resounding in my head.
He
didn't really love me. He loved her, the First and the Best. The Most Perfect Audrina. For the rest of my life I had to live up to the standards she'd set. How could I be everything she'd been, when I was me?
I had been planning to slip through the woods and see our new neighbors, but my aunt called me back inside and kept me busy all morning helping her clean the house. Momma wasn't feeling well. Something called "morning sickness" had her running to the powder room often, and my aunt would look pleased when she did that, muttering to herself all the time about fools who risked the wrath of God.
Vera came limping home around three, looking hot, pale and exhausted. She threw me a scathing glance and stomped up the stairs. I decided I'd check on what she was doing before I stole through the woods to meet the new neighbors. I didn't want Vera to follow me. She'd be sure to tell Papa so I'd be punished.
Vera wasn't in her room. Nor was she in mine, prowling through my drawers in hopes of finding something to steal. I kept searching, hoping to surprise her. Instead, she surprised me.
Inside the First Audrina's room, which Papa usually kept locked except on the days Momma cleaned in there, Vera was seated in the rocking chair with the calla-lily back. The magic chair. Back and forth she was rocking, singsong chanting as Papa made me do so often. For some reason it made me furious to see her there. No wonder I wasn't "catching" the gift--Vera was trying to steal it! "Get out of that chair!" I yelled.
Reluctantly she came back to herself, opening her large dark eyes that glittered just like Papa's. Her lips curled in a sneer. "You gonna make me, little girl?"
"Yes!" I stormed bravely, striding into the dreaded room and ready to defend my right to sit in that chair. Even though I didn't want the First and Best Audrina's gifts, I didn't want Vera to have them, either.
Before I could do a thing, Vera was out of the chair. "Now you hear this, Audrina Number Two! In the long run it's going to be me who takes the First Audrina's place. You don't have what she had, and you never will. Papa is trying and trying to make you over into what she was, but he's failing, and he's beginning to realize that. That's why he told me to start using this rocking chair. Because now he wants me to have the First Audrina's gifts."
I didn't believe her, yet something frail within me cracked and pained. She saw me weaken, saw me tremble. "Your mother doesn't love you nearly as much as she loved the First Audrina, either. She fakes love for you, Audrina, fakes it! Both your parents would see you dead if they could get back the girl they really loved."
"Stop saying things like that!"
"I'll never stop saying what needs to be said."
"Leave me alone, leave this room alone! You are a fake, Vera, the worst kind of fake!" Then, taking a wild swing, I tried to hit her. She chose to stand at that moment, and if she hadn't timed it so well, my fist would have missed her. As it was, it caught her smack on her jaw. She fell back on the rocking chair, which tipped over. Surely that fall didn't do as much damage as her loud howls of pain indicated . . .
Aunt Ellsbeth came on the run. "What have you done to my daughter?" she yelled, running to help Vera stand. Once she had Vera on her feet, she dashed back to me and slapped my face. Quickly I dodged her second blow. I heard Vera screaming, "Mother, help me! I can't breathe!"
"Of course you can breathe," snapped my aunt impatiently, but a trip to the emergency room proved Vera had four broken ribs. The ambulance men gave Momma and my aunt funny looks, as if they suspected Vera couldn't possibly always be hurting herself. Then they looked at me and weakly smiled.
I was sent to bed without an evening meal. (Papa didn't come home until late because of some business meeting, and Momma retired early, leaving my aunt in charge.) All that night I heard Vera moaning, gasping and panting as she tried to sleep. Doubled over like an old crone, she came into my room in the middle of the night and shook her fist in my
face.
"Someday I'm going to bring down this house and everyone in it," she hissed in a deadly voice, "and you'll be the first I fell. Remember that if you never remember anything else, Second and Worst Audrina."

Arden Lowe
.
In the morning I was desperate to escape the

house. Since Ellsbeth was tending to the wounded Vera, and Momma was staying in bed with her morning sickness, I had the first opportunity of my lifetime to steal away unobserved.

The woods were full of shadows. Just like the First Audrina, I was disobeying, but the sky above said there wasn't a chance of rain, and without the rain it couldn't happen again. Shimmering sun rays fell through the lacy green canopy of leaves to pattern the path ahead with golden spots of light. Birds were singing, squirrels were chasing each other, rabbits ran, and now that I was free from Whitefern I felt good, yet slightly uneasy. Still, if
ever
I was going to make friends of my own I had to make the first move and prove something if to no one but myself.

I was going to see the new family living in the gardener's cottage that hadn't been occupied for many years. I'd never seen this part of the woods, but still it seemed familiar. I stopped to stare down at the path, which branched off right and crookedly wandered forward, too. Deep inside some directing knowledge told me to turn right. Each little noise I heard made me freeze, listen, straining to hear the giggle I heard when I was in that rocking chair, reliving events that had happened to the First and Best, and were glued to that chair. Little whispers were in the summer leaves. Little butterflies of panic were fluttering in my head. I kept hearing all the warnings: "Dangerous in the woods. Unsafe in the woods. Death in the woods." Nervously I quickened my steps. I'd sing like the seven dwarfs used to whistle to make them unafraid . . . now why did I think that? That was
her
kind of thought.

I told myself as I hurried along that it was time I braved the world by myself, time indeed. I told myself each foot away from that house of dim corners and brooding whispers was making me feel better, happier. I wasn't weak, spoiled or unfit for the world. I was just as brave as any girl of . . seven?

Something about the woods --something about the way the sun shone through the leaves. Colors were trying to speak to me, tell me what I couldn't remember. If I didn't stop thinking as I was, soon I'd be running and screaming, expecting the same thing to happen to me that had happened to her. I was the only Audrina left alive in the world. Truly I didn't have to be afraid. Lightning never struck twice in the same place.

On the very edge of a clearing, I came upon the cottage in the woods. It was a small white cottage with a red roof. I ducked to hide behind an old hickory tree when I saw a boy come out of the cottage door carrying a rake and a pail. He was tall and slim, and already I knew who he was. He was the one who'd given Vera the box of candy on Valentine's Day.

She had told me he was eleven, and in July he'd be twelve. The most popular boy in his class-- studious, intelligent, quick-witted and fun--and he had a crush on Vera. That sort of proved he wasn't
too
brilliant. But from what my aunt was always saying, men were only grown-up little boys, and the male sex knew only what their eyes and glands told them, nothing else.

Watching him, I could tell he was a hard worker from the diligent way he set about cleaning up the yard, which was a wilderness of tangleweed, briars, Virginia crabgrass, spidergrass.

He wore faded blue jeans that fit skintight, as if he'd outgrown them or they'd shrunk. His thin old shirt might once have been bright blue, but now it was faded gray-white. From time to time he'd stop to rest, to look around and whistle in imitation of some bird. Then, after a few seconds, he was back to work, pulling up weeds and throwing them in his pail, which he dumped often in a huge trash can. This boy didn't scare me, even though Papa and that rocking chair had taught me to be terrified of what boys might do.

Suddenly he tore off the worn canvas gloves he wore, hurled them down and spun around, directly facing the tree I was hiding behind.

"Isn't it time you stopped hiding and
watching?" he asked, turning to pick up his pail of weeds to empty it in the larger can. "Come on out and be friendly. I don't bite."

My tongue stayed glued to the roof of my mouth, though his voice was kind.
"I won't hurt you, if that's why you're afraid. I even know your name is Audrina Adelle Adare, the girl with the beautiful long hair that changes colors. All the boys in Whitefern Village talk about the Whitefern girls and say you're the most beautiful one of all. Why don't you go to school like other girls? And why didn't you write me a note and thank me for that box of Valentine candy I sent you months and months ago? That was rude, you know, very rude not to even call on the phone . . ."
My breath caught. He'd given
me
the candy and not Vera? "I didn't know you knew me, and no one gave me the candy," I said in a small, hoarse voice. I wasn't sure even now that he'd send a totally unknown girl a box of expensive candy when Vera was pretty enough and already shaping into a woman.
"Sure I know you. That's why I wrote you that note with the candy. I see you all the time with your parents." He continued, "The trouble is, you never turn your head to see anyone. I'm in your sister's class in school. I asked her why you didn't go to school and she told me you were crazy, but I don't believe that. When people are crazy it shows in their eyes. I went into the drugstore and looked for the prettiest red satin heart of all. I hope Vera gave you at least one piece, since it was all yours."
Did he know Vera that well, enough to suspect she'd lie and eat it all? "Vera said you gave the box of candy to her."
"Aha!" he said. "That is exactly what my mom said when I told her you must be a very ungrateful kind of girl. And even if you didn't eat a piece, I hope you realize I did try to let you know there's one boy who thinks you are the prettiest girl he's ever seen."
"Thank you for the candy," I whispered.
"I deliver the morning and evening newspapers. It's the first time I've spent my hard-earned money on a gift for a girl."
"Why did you do it?"
He turned his head quickly, trying to catch a glimpse. Oh, his eyes were amber-colored. The sun was in them, making him almost blind, but showing me in detail what a pretty color they were, a lot lighter in shade than his hair. "I guess sometimes, Audrina, you can look at a girl and know right away you like her a lot. And when she never even looks your way, you've got to do something drastic. And then it didn't work."
Not knowing what to say, I said nothing. But I did move a little so he could see my face, while my body stayed safely hidden by the bushes.
"Darn if I can understand why you don't go to school."
How could I explain when I didn't understand? Unless it was like Aunt Ellsbeth said, that Papa wanted to keep me all for himself and "train" me.
"Since you haven't asked, I'll introduce myself. I'm Arden Nelson Lowe." Cautiously, he stepped closer to my hiding place, craning his neck in order to see me better. "I'm an
A
name, too, if that means anything, and I think it does."
"What do you think it means?" I asked, feeling perplexed. "And don't come any closer. If you do, I'll run."
"If you run, only give chase and catch you," he said.
"I can run very fast," I warned.
"So can I."
"If you caught me, what would you do?"
He laughed and spun around in a circle. "I really don't know, except it would give me the chance to see you really close, and then I could find out if those eyes of yours are truly violet, or just dark blue."
"Would it matter?" I felt worried. My eye color was like my hair color--ambiguous. Strange eyes that could change color with my moods, from violet to dark, dark purple. Haunted eyes, said Aunt Ellsbeth, who was always telling me in indirect ways that I was weird.
"Nope, it wouldn't matter," he said.
"Arden," called a woman's voice, "who are you talking to?"
"Audrina," he called back. "You know, Mom, the youngest of those two girls who live in that big fancy house beyond the woods. She's awfully pretty, Mom, but shy. Never met such a shy girl before. She stays behind the bushes, ready to run if I come too close. She sure isn't like her sister, I can tell you that. Would you say that's the proper way to meet a boy?"
From inside the cottage his mother laughed gaily. "It may be exactly the right way to interest a boy like my son, who likes to solve mysteries."
I stretched my neck to see a beautiful darkhaired woman sitting at an open cottage window, showing from her waist up. She seemed to me as lovely as a movie star with all that long, blue-black curling hair tumbling down onto her shoulders. Her eyes were dark, her complexion as fair and flawless as porcelain.
"Audrina, you're welcome here whenever you care to visit," she called in a friendly, warm fashion. "My son is a fine and honorable boy who would never do a thing to harm you."
I felt breathless with happiness. I'd never had a friend before. I had disobeyed, like the First Audrina, and dared the woods . . . only to find friends. Maybe I wasn't as cursed as she'd been. The woods weren't going to destroy me, as they had her . . .
I started to speak, to step forward and show all of myself and brave meeting strangers on their own ground. Just as I was ready to reveal myself, out of the depths of the woods behind me came the sound of my name being called repeatedly, commandingly. The voice was distant and faint, but each time it sounded it was closer.
It was Papa! How did he know where to find me? What was he doing home from his office so early? Had Vera called him to tell him I wasn't in the house or yard? He'd punish me, I knew he would. Even if this wasn't the forbidden, worst part of the woods, he didn't want me out of sight from those who watched over me from morning until night.
"Goodbye, Arden," I called hastily, peeking from around the tree and waving. I waved again to his mother in the window. "Goodbye, Mrs. Lowe. I'm happy to have met you both, and thank you for wanting me to be your friend. I need friends, so I'll be back soon, I promise."
Arden smiled broadly. "See you soon, I hope."
I ran back toward Papa's voice, hoping he wouldn't guess where I'd been. I nearly collided with him as he came striding along the faint path. "Where've you been?" he demanded, seizing hold of my arm and swinging me halfway around him. "What are you running from?"
I stared up into his face. As always, he looked wonderfully handsome, clean, wearing a new threepiece stockbroker's suit, tailored to perfection. Even as he let go of my arm, he brushed away dried leaves that clung to his sleeve. He checked his trousers to see if the briars had snagged them, and, if they had, he might have treated me worse. As it was, his quick inspection found his new suit undamaged, so he could smile at me enough to take some of the fear from my heart. "I've been calling you for ten minutes. Audrina, haven't I told you repeatedly to stay out of the woods?"
"But Papa, it's such a beautiful day, and I wanted to see where the rabbits run to hide. I wanted to pick wild strawberries, and blueberries and find forget-me-nots. I wanted lilies of the valley to put in my bedroom to make it smell pretty."
"You didn't follow this path all the way to the end, did you?" There was something peculiar in his dark, dark eyes, something that warned me not to tell him about meeting Arden Lowe and his mother.
"No, Papa. I remembered what I promised and stopped following the rabbit. Papa, rabbits run so very fast."
"Good," he said, snatching my hand again and spinning me around so I could do nothing but be dragged along as I tried to keep up with the stride of his exceptionally long legs. "I hope you never lie to me, Audrina. Liars come to no good end."
Nervously, I swallowed. "Why are you home so early, Papa?"
He looked backward to scowl. "I had a feeling about you this morning at breakfast. You looked so secretive. I sat in my offices and wondered if you might not just get the notion to visit the new people who moved into that cottage. Now hear this, girl, you are never to go over there. Understand? We need the rent money, but they are not our social equals, so leave them alone."
It was terrible to have a father who could read your mind. I had to try again to make him see how much I needed friends. "But, Papa, I thought you said Momma could invite the new neighbor lady to Tuesday teas."
"No, not after what I found out about them. There are a lot of old sayings in this world, and most of them should be heeded. Birds of a feather flock together--and I don't want my bird flocking with those beneath her. Common people will steal your specialness and make you just a member of the herd. I want you to be a leader, one who stands out from the crowd. People are sheep, Audrina, stupid sheep, ready to follow the one who has the strength to be different. And you don't have to worry about having friends when our family is going to increase soon. Think of how much fun it will be to have a little brother or sister. Make that baby your best friend."
"Like Momma and her sister are friends?"
He threw me a hard look. "Audrina, your mother and her sister are to be pitied. They live in the same house, share the same meals but refuse to accept the best each could give the other. If only they'd break through that wall of resentment. But they never will. Each has her pride. Pride is a wonderful thing, though it can grow out of proportion. What you see each day is love turned inside out and turned into rivalry."
I didn't understand. Adults were still like the prism lights, changing colors constantly, confusing my thoughts.
"Sweetheart, promise you won't go into the woods again." I promised. He squeezed too hard on my fingers not to promise. He seemed satisfied and eased his pressure. "Now, here's what I want you to do. Your mother needs you now that she's not feeling well with this pregnancy. It goes that way sometimes. Try to help her as much as you can. And promise never to disappear and not let me know where you are."
But he wasn't going to let me go anywhere, not ever. Did he think I might run away?
"Oh, Papa," I cried, throwing my arms about him again. "I'll never leave you! I'll stay and take care of you when you grow old. I'll always love you, no matter what!"
He shook his head, looking sad. "You say that now, but you won't remember when you meet some young man you think you love. You'll forget me and think only of him. That's the way life is, the old have to make way for the young."
"No, Papa, you can stay with me even if I do marry . . and I don't think I will."
"I hope not. Husbands have a way of not wanting parents around. Nobody wants old people around to clutter up their lives and create more expenses. That's why I have to make more and more money, to save for my old age and your mother's."
Staring up at him, I felt old age would never touch him. He was too strong, too vigorous for age to gray his hair and put wrinkles on his face and sag his jowls.
"Are old ladies unwanted, too?" I asked.
"Not your mother's kind," he said with a bitter smile. "Somebody would always want your mother. And if no man wants her, she'd turn to you. . . so be there when or if she needs you. Be there when I need you, too."
I shivered, not enjoying this kind of serious, grown-up talk when I had just met the first boy I could like. We neared the edge of the woods now, where the trees began to spread out and the lawn began. Papa was still talking.
"Sweet, there's an old lady at the house whom you've never met. Your mother and I both want a boy so much that we feel we can't wait until the birth to find out what sex we're going to have. And I've been told this lady, Mrs. Allismore, has a talent for predicting the sex of an unborn child."
As we neared the house, I paused to stare up at our grand old house that I saw as a stale and timeworn wedding cake; the cupola was where the bride and groom should have been but weren't. I saw the tall narrow windows as sinister, slotted eyes looking out. When I was inside, I saw the windows as looking inward, keeping an eye on everyone, especially me.
Papa tugged me on. A strange little black car was parked on the long curving drive that needed repaving. Weeds shot up in all the many cracks that I was careful to step over, not wanting to break my mother's back. I tried to pull my hand free from Papa's so I wouldn't have to be there and watch something that might be scary, but Papa pulled me through the front door, giving me no opportunity to run to my hideaway in the cupola. Once the doors were closed behind us, I was released. Adroitly, I avoided putting my feet on any rainbowed design the sun made through the stained-glass windows in the doors.
In the best of the front salons, my mother, Aunt Ellsbeth, Vera and an old, old woman were gathered together. Momma was lying on the purple velvet chaise. The old woman leaned above her. The moment she saw us come in, she took the wedding band from my mother's finger and tied it to a piece of string. Vera leaned closer, looking very interested. Slowly, slowly, that old woman began to swing the ring tied to a string over my mother's middle.
"If the ring swings vertically, it will be a boy," muttered the old woman. "If it swings in a circle, it will be a girl."
At first the ring moved irratically, terribly undecided; then it paused and changed course, and Papa began to smile. Soon his smile vanished as the ring tried to make a circle. Papa leaned forward and began to breathe heavily. Aunt Ellsbeth sat very tall and straight; her dark eyes held the same intense expectancy as Papa's eyes. Vera drifted closer, her ebony eyes wide. Momma lifted her head and craned her neck to see what was going on and why nothing was being decided. I swallowed over the lump that closed my throat. "What's wrong?" Momma asked in a worried way.
"You have to stay calm," croaked Mrs. Allismore. Her witchlike face screwed into a tiny wrinkled prune. Her miniscule mouth pursed into a crudely stitched buttonhole. Hours seemed to pass instead of seconds as that ring on the string kept changing directions, settling nothing. "Has your doctor mentioned twins?" asked the old crone with a perplexed frown.
"No," whispered Momma, appearing even o ore alarmed. "He said the last time I went that he heard only one heartbeat."
Papa reached to take her hand in his, then raised it to his cheek, rubbing it against his faint stubble. I could hear the slight raspy sound. Then he leaned to kiss Momma's cheek.
"Lucky, don't look so concerned. This is all tomfoolery anyway. God will send us the right child; we don't have to worry."
Yet Momma insisted that Mrs. Allismore try for a while longer. Five excruciating minutes passed before the old woman grimly untied the string from the ring and handed Momma her wedding band. "Ma'am, I hate to say this, but what you're carrying is not male or female." Momma let out a small terrified cry.