Don’t Forget to Remember Me (18 page)

“What is it?”

“Right before Julia left to come to Boston,
she took a pregnancy test. We both left so fast, I’m sure it’s
still in the bathroom…”

“Fuuucck!” I sat straight up as I said it,
my pulse starting to pound. I could hear the blood rushing in my
ears like a freight train. “If she sees that, it’s sure to hit her
like a ton of bricks.” I ran a hand through my hair and looked at
my watch. Their train wouldn’t get into New York until 8:45.

“Uh, call Jen. See if she can beat Julia
into the bathroom and get rid of it. Make sure you tell her to
remove the box from the trash as well.”

“Yeah. Okay.” I sucked in a breath so big my
lungs threatened to burst. “That could work. I’ll text her. Julia
would ask about a call.”

I could hear Ellie sigh too. “I wish I could
be there with her this weekend, but with Harris playing and the
short notice, I just couldn’t get away.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad Jenna was free. Ellie,
what else could she find?”

“Hopefully, she’ll just get some clothes.
She may get a glimpse of her job offer in Paris. She was in the
middle of packing, but otherwise, a few pictures, Ryan. She has
pictures of the two of you together scattered around. Some of the
six of us. More of Elyse, Gabriel and her parents.”

“I shouldn’t have let her go.”

“She’s gonna remember sometime, Ryan. Maybe
sooner is better than later.”

“I hope she does, but I’m torn. I know it
will kill her. She’ll be so hurt. I’d give anything to keep her
from that.”

“Anything? Even the last eight years?” I
lost my breath. “You two will have more babies. She’ll get over it
if she still has you.” I didn’t say anything which prompted Ellie
to continue. “How are you dealing with it?”

My eyes blurred as pain surged inside.
“I’m…not.”

“You’re not what?”

“I’m not…dealing. I’ve
sort of pushed it down. I can’t bear to think about it. I didn’t
know how badly I wanted her to have my baby until it was lost.” The
tears ran down my face in silence and my voice broke. “I
want
everything
with her. Words can’t…A child would have been…an amazing
gift. I love her so much.” Angrily, I brushed the tears off of my
face and cleared my throat. “Listen, I have to text Jen and Aaron
is waiting for me.”

“Ryan. I’m so sorry.” The sympathy in her
voice dripped off her words. She was crying, too.

“Yeah. Thank you. I’ll call you if something
happens, okay?” I wiped my face with the back of my free hand and
rose from the bed.

“Okay. If you need to talk, call anytime. I
love you both.”

“Love you, too. Thanks.”

After I hung up, I went into the bathroom
and splashed some cold water on my face briefly before firing off a
text to Jenna.

Pregnancy test in bathroom. Get in there
first and get rid of it. Box too. Counting on you to save my
life.

My heart was pounding a hundred miles an
hour until her answer came five minutes later.

Holy shit. Okay. I’ll let you know when it’s
done.

Thx.

When I went back into the other room, I
breathed a small sigh of relief. Aaron was changed and waiting
impatiently. “What took you so long, gorgeous?”

“Don’t start with me. Like I said, I’m ready
to beat the hell out of something and I’m in no mood for inane
chatter.”

“What the fuck is your problem? It’s all
that pent-up sexual tension that’s eating you,” he said as he
followed me out the door. “Don’t take that shit out on me. Do
something about it.”

We drove to the gym in silence and when we
got there we both hopped on a treadmill for a twenty minute
warm-up. We had a routine that we varied based on what our needs
were. Today, I had a lot of frustration to get out, so it would be
boxing and kickboxing. Aaron let me go first, bracing the bag
against his body. He spread his legs to get a good foothold and
then motioned to me with his hands that I could begin.

As I hit the bag over and
over, varying my punches in strength and angle, one thing was
occupying my mind.
Julia
. How much
I missed her, how much I wanted her, how it was driving me crazy
not to be able to touch her and what she might remember in New
York. I felt helpless, angry, frustrated, hurt and downright horny.
I was getting hard just by being near her, feeling the heat
radiating between us, and her scent. I was hungry for her like I’d
never been; missing the connection even more than the sex. I needed
what only she could give me, had aches in places only she could
assuage.

The university gym was in the student center
and always busy no matter the time of day. It wasn’t unusual to see
someone that we knew. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Liza
and Claire lingering in the doorway to the weight room where Aaron
and I were working the bag. Sweat was starting to run down my body
in rivets as I attacked the bag without mercy.

“Looks like you’ve got a fan club,” Aaron
murmured and nodded over his shoulder toward them.

“Stupid bitches,” I grunted between punches.
“After four years, you’d think they’d get a damn clue.”

“They
are
hot,” Aaron said. I stopped to wipe the sweat out
of my eyes with the towel around my neck. It was awkward with the
gloves on, but they were starting to burn.

“Hadn’t noticed,” I said and went back to my
workout.

“Ryan, come on. Julia’s been away all this
time and I love her dearly, but you’re a guy. Guys have needs. It
doesn’t have to mean anything and they’re certainly willing.”

I didn’t say anything,
just hit the bag harder. He was jolted and readjusted his stance. I
couldn’t believe he would even make that suggestion. He hadn’t said
anything like that since before we graduated Stanford. Not since
Julia and I were friends and I was frustrated as hell.
Don’t even fucking go there, Aaron.

“And now…you seem so miserable. Maybe you
need to cut loose a little.”

“That’s what I’m doing,” I said through
clenched teeth while I kept pounding the bag with all my
strength.

“You know what I mean.”

“Don’t.” I never thought my brother would
say this shit to me and I didn’t want to hear it.

“You’re leaving here in a couple of months.
God knows you need it. You’re ready to blow, brother. Julia doesn’t
remember. She wouldn’t have to know.”

“Aaron, I said
that’s
enough
!” I yelled angrily. I
was so pissed I felt like my body would fly apart.

“Ryan…” he began, but I shoved the bag with
such force that he stumbled back and nearly fell.

“
Shut
up
! Just shut the fuck up, Aaron!” I felt the
rage and pain well to overflowing. How could he even suggest such a
thing? “I’ll smash your Goddamn face in if you say one more word,
do you hear me?!”

“I’m just looking out for
you! I see you suffering, you asshole! You’re killing yourself! You
better think twice before you threaten me little man, because I’ll
take your. Ass.
Out
!” He came at me
and shoved me in the chest. Without thinking, I pulled back my
right arm and let it fly with all the force I could muster, hitting
him in his face at the temple.

He sprawled backwards onto the mats as tears
welled in my eyes.

“Noooo!” I screamed at
him. “Maybe it’s in you to fuck around on Jenna, but I will never
do that to Julia!” Others were watching but I didn’t give a flying
fuck. Liza and Claire moved in closer to see what was going on,
their eyes wide and mouths agape in silent supplication. “It
is
impossible
for
me to even think about anyone else! You know that, so just shut the
hell up! It would kill us both, for God’s sake! I’m in
love, damn you
!! So much I can’t even
fucking breath. She’s all I want! She means everything and I just
want her back like we
were
!” I was
yelling, my chest was heaving. I took three stumbling steps back
and began to turn from him, still on the floor, staring up at me
with a stunned look on his face. “
She’s
all I want
,” I said more softly, defeat
and heartbreak lacing my tone.

I moved toward the locker room, ripping at
the laces on the gloves with my teeth. I couldn’t breathe and was
horrified by the stunned faces of those watching, but mostly that
I’d just hit my brother.

“Ryan!” I heard Liza’s
insipid little voice mewling behind me. It sickened me that she
would chase me after what she’d just witnessed. For God’s sake. I’m
sure she heard the entire confrontation and she was chasing after
me like some bitch in heat after she’d heard me say I was in love
with someone else. Even Claire looked disgusted by Liza’s
display.
Fucking incredible.
“Ryan,
wait,” she called again.

I held my hand in the air after I’d shoved
the glove that I’d just removed under my arm. I walked faster until
I was able to escape to the sanctity of the men’s locker room where
she could not follow.

I pulled off the other
glove and threw them both on the floor next to my locker, kicked
off my shoes and shed all of my clothes in a pile. I grabbed a
towel and went into the shower. The whole time my mind raced and my
heart ached.
I just punched my brother
. I punched my brother over suggesting what Tanner and any
normal red-blooded guy would suggest when one of their friends was
in my situation. Except my situation wasn’t what they would
consider typical. I leaned a hand on the wall to support my weight
as the hot water rushed over me and stood there unmoving for
several minutes.

My head was bowed and my eyes were closed,
so I didn’t hear Aaron follow me. When he spoke I was startled and
my head shot up.

“I’m sorry, Ryan,” Aaron began, “I know how
much stress you’re under and I know how much you love Julia. It’s
just that no one likes to see you suffering. I just thought if you
could take the edge off, then you’d feel better. I’ve never seen
you this fucked up and I was grasping at straws. I wasn’t
suggesting that you leave her; just that you close your eyes and be
selfish for twenty minutes. It was stupid.”

“Julia is all that
matters. Nothing can make me feel better except her,” I said
softly, reaching for the soap. “And when I
close my
eyes
, she is all I fucking see, so what you
are suggesting is completely impossible. Sometimes, I feel like no
one can understand how much I love her. No one gets it. Not even
you.” I lathered up my body quickly, longing to get home and call
her. “Julia was the only one who knew and now I’m just so terrified
that she won’t remember how much we meant to each other. It’s
killing me. I’ve lost those eight years as much as she has,” I
admitted honestly.

“She still gets it; even if she doesn’t know
it yet. She made you lemon muffins, dude.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in
my throat and nodded. “I’m sorry I hit you, Aaron. There’s no
excuse for my behavior. I was a little wound up before we got here.
Ellie called and told me that the positive pregnancy test was still
sitting on the counter of Julia’s bathroom and I freaked out a
little bit.” My voice was wooden, but I couldn’t help it. If I let
myself soften, I’d probably completely lose it. I was exhausted and
emotionally spent.

“Holy shit. I sometimes get so focused on
Julia’s recovery that I forget about the baby. I’m sorry for being
such an insensitive ass. I’m sincerely sorry, Ryan.”

I turned off the water and stepped out,
wrapping the towel around my waist at the same time. He was still
dressed and would most likely go back and lift weights for another
hour.

“I’m going home. Can you get Tanner or
someone to bring you when you’re done?” I dried my hair with
another towel and ran a comb through it roughly.

“Yeah. No sweat.” He patted me on the
shoulder after I threw on my clothes and then walked out of the
locker room. We wouldn’t speak about this again.

“Hey, Julia! It’s good to see you! Where
have you been?” The nameless bellman called after me as Jenna and I
passed through the marble lobby on the way to the elevators in the
high rise building that I apparently lived in.

“I guess I do live here,” I said under my
breath. “Hi!” I called and waved to the bellman.

“Were you in Boston with Ryan all this
time?”

Okay, so he knew Ryan. Of course he
did.
“Uh, yep.” I smiled wide and nodded
happily.

“Well, it’s nice to have you back. We missed
your pretty face. Who’s your friend?”