Don’t Forget to Remember Me (32 page)

I sighed brokenly
;
the air shattering my lungs. I rolled onto my
side as my throat thickened, eyes welling with tears. I fisted my
hands in the covers and pushed my face into the pillow so she
wouldn’t hear in case the screams in my chest could not be
contained. Tears rained down my face and the sobs I’d been holding
in since Julia came home from the hospital, shook my shoulders
violently. My heart was exploding, my lungs constricting. I was
gasping for breath and there was not one damn thing that I could do
about it. I let the sadness wash over me and just cried those
painful, silent sobs that rock you so hard there is no sound except
the deep rasps when you finally have to breathe. I felt more
helpless than I’d ever been in my life
as my body
shook with pain.

Motherfucker!

I gasped as the sound of the sobs finally
spilled into the room and was startled when a hand touched my
shoulder. Turning my tear-drenched face around, I found Julia
sitting silently next to me on the bed. I was so consumed with
grief that I hadn’t noticed her.

“Uhhhhnnn, Julia,” I sniffed and quickly
wiped at my eyes, trying to sit up against the headboard. My skin
burned. I was embarrassed that she saw me in this weakened state.
The last thing I wanted was to let her see my heartbreak or make
her feel guilty. “I didn’t…uh, know you were there.”

Her eyes were full of tears and her chin was
trembling. “I’m so sorry, Ryan. I hate that you’re hurting like
this…because of me.”

I reached out and brushed a tear from her
cheek as her hand came to rest softly on my chest.

“It’s not you. It’s the situation,” I said
ardently and shook my head. Only a small streak of light, streaming
in through the barely open doorway, cast a soft glow over her
tear-drenched features. I wanted to take away her sadness and see
again the happiness so indicative of my Julia, shining there.

“I
am
the situation.” She shifted to move closer to me.
The heat radiated off her and I ached to reach out and draw her
closer to my body. “I want this to go away, so tell me what you’re
hiding. Please. Just…
please
.” Her voice throbbed
thickly.

“I’ve told you so much already, honey.” My
voice was low and raspy. The remnants of the tears were still
plainly audible. I swallowed and ran the back of my hand over each
of my eyes.

She looked down and bit her lip. Those
perfect lips that I longed to feel against mine. I couldn’t tear my
gaze away as she spoke and my heart started to thump in my
chest.

“Not really. Why do you
always pull away from me when we get to the juice, Ryan? I feel
like if you’d just pretend that I remember, act like you normally
would around me, then maybe everything would come back to me.
I
feel
you. I know how deep this
is.”

I tensed at the track the
conversation was taking, but I couldn’t avoid it completely. I
never could lie to her. “From what the others have told you and an
occasional flash of memory, yes, but you don’t
remember
it.
Knowing
it and
feeling
it
are two completely different things,” I argued softly. “Trying to
force it would be unfair, Julia. And…we both deserve more than
that.”

Her face crumpled and she
nodded, wiping at the tears raining softly down her face, and
clinging to her lashes. “Is that what you really think or is it
just the bullshit that Spencer fed you?” Her brow wrinkled and she
looked down at her hands. “I just said I
feel
you! I’ve tried to tell you and show you, but you
keep pulling away.
Please,
stop
.” Her voice softened on the next
words. “What about that beautiful night…and just now on the
couch?”

I leaned up and kissed her
temple before pushing off of the bed. I had to get away or I was
going to give in to the pull. I wanted to gather her up and protect
her, to love her and ease
the pain
, but
Spencer’s words kept rolling around my brain.

“I’m gonna shower. I’m meeting Tanner and
some of the others to finish the final research paper for the
surgery clinical.” I brushed her chin with my fingers once more,
went into the bathroom and shut the door. I clasped both of my
hands behind my head, wanting to shout as I struggled with the
constriction in my chest.

Oh my God. I can’t do this anymore!

I turned on the shower and quickly stripped
off my clothes, hoping the hot water could help clear my head. I
stepped under the spray and leaned back against the tile wall of
the shower stall, letting the water pelt my chest and run down my
body. My throat still ached and my eyes burned with unshed tears.
The steam began rising when I rubbed my face again and then turned
to wet the back of my hair.

“So what? This is it,
then? I ruin your life until you resent and
hate
me
? Until you can’t bear to look at me
anymore? I don’t want that, Ryan.” Julia’s voice was close, hard
and demanding.

She’d startled me and I jumped, turning away
from her. I didn’t know which one of us I was protecting, but, in
Julia’s mind, we’d never been together like this, she wouldn’t
remember seeing me naked, even if it was common practice. “Julia,
you’ve got to stop doing that. Get out of here,” I almost groaned
over my shoulder. “We’ll talk later.”

“Like hell we will,” she
choked out, her voice was urgent, broken. “Don’t you think these
months have changed anything? Do you think I’m indifferent to you?
Can’t you
tell
?”

“Yes, I know you trust me, and care for
me…even that you want me, if that’s what you mean.” I gave up
trying to hide my body from her view and grabbed the shampoo,
squeezing some onto my palm and lathering up my hair. “But, is it
just because these months are all you have to base anything on?
You’ve had to rely on me and I don’t delude myself. I can’t
afford…!”

My heart sank the second I
said the words, the hurt on her face was killing me
.

She gasped loud enough
that I could hear it over the running water
.
“Really? Is it real or is it
fucking
Memorex
?!!”

“Julia,” I began but she cut me off
angrily.

“Damn you for saying
that,” she said, her tone dead still, fists clenched at her sides
and eyes liquid. “These feelings are
all
I’ve
got
! To me they are so real I
can barely handle them. Don’t you dare try to discount this into
some doctor-patient bullshit. My heart remembers you, Ryan. Even if
my mind can’t!”

My heart was breaking. I wanted it to be
true so bad I couldn’t even stand it. I rinsed my hair in a hurry,
suddenly aching to get the hell out of there. “Julia, we’ve got
time. Just…stop worrying.”

“I know you’ll take care
of me. I’m worried about
you
, Ryan.
This hurts you, and I’m keeping you from having a
real
life. It’s wrong and I’m scared that
you’ll end up hating me. I…I just couldn’t bear that.”

The truth swelled up
inside me,
threatening to
burst free like
water from a dam.

“You
are
my real life, Julia.” The words were out before I
could stop them. I turned to find her taking her clothes off as she
looked at me. “You…always have been.” I froze and my pulse
quickened, “I could
never
hate you.
It’s…not possible,” I stammered in resigned defeat as she moved
toward me. It was over. I wouldn’t be able to fight this. My heart
was racing, my blood rushing, and my body on fire at the site
before me.

“If that’s true,
then
take back
your life, Ryan.
I’m
begging
you,” she cried as she
opened the shower door and stepped inside. My eyes devoured her
naked form like a dying man in the desert. I hadn’t looked upon her
like this for four months. Since the night I’d proposed, since the
weekend we’d conceived our child. My whole body started to shake
with the undeniable emotion that I’d buried for the past three
months.

Her hands came to rest on my chest and she
kissed me just above my collarbone, her lips lingering on my skin
and sending heat licking along my veins like fire. I stood frozen,
wanting to crush her to me, but terrified of the consequences.
“Take back what’s yours…I know you want me, and I want you. So
much,” she whispered urgently against my skin and then nuzzled up
toward my jaw, brushing her open mouth along it.

“Julia…I’m not made of
stone.
Please…
” I
begged; my hands coming up to lightly touch her waist. “Oh, my
God.”

My body was throbbing to the point of pain,
springing to life the instant she started dropping her clothes. It
had been so long since we’d made love and I was starving for her.
Literally dying; my lungs struggled for air as I started to pant
with the effort of it.

“Please…don’t fight this, Ryan.” Her voice
took on the sultry tone that I had always found irresistible.

Julia stood on her tiptoes and pressed her
body against mine, grinding my erection between us, her hands slid
like silk up over my chest and around my neck. If she didn’t
remember, her subconscious was guiding her in her movements, each
one so familiar. Her touch ignited every carnal urge I’d ever had,
burning as her hands moved over me, until they finally fisted in my
hair and pulled my head down toward her open mouth.

I could feel my resolve crumbling. I longed
to taste her. I wanted to kiss her and never stop.

“Julia…” I whispered against her mouth as
her tongue darted out to flick my upper lip. It was like she knew
my weakness and I wouldn’t be able to resist. A groan ripped from
my chest as I finally let my mouth crush down on hers, tongue
sliding into her mouth and entwining with hers. Dear God, she
tasted so good and felt so amazing, soft and hot against me.

This was my Julia, the love of my life and
she wanted to give me everything. It was more than I could take.
Her mouth moving hotly under mine was driving me to distraction,
and what I’d been dreaming about for months.

She whimpered at the
onslaught, but opened her mouth further and met me kiss for kiss. I
gathered her up and lifted her closer, pushing her against the
shower wall. God, it was good. It was
us
, just as always. Our lips
mirrored each other so perfectly, knowing what the other needed and
willing to give it all. I was sucking intermittently with little
licks and nudging her top lip with my lower one, before fully
taking her mouth with mine and thrusting my tongue as deep into her
mouth as I could. She pulled it in further, sucking on it and I
ground my pelvis into hers, causing her to moan into my mouth.
Desire engulfed me like never before. I wasn’t sure how long we
stood there, clinging to each other, our hands and mouths couldn’t
get enough.

I let myself be consumed as I kissed her,
and my hands slid over her breasts, taking their weight and running
my thumbs over the hardened tips. They weren’t overly large, but
still full, perfectly round and responsive. I knew just how to
touch her, leaving her breathless and moaning. Her nipples hardened
even more, as my knee slid between her legs and pressed into her
moist heat. “Uhhnnnggg, Julia.” I sucked in my breath as her nails
raked down my back.

The blood pounded in my ears and my dick
twitched thickly against her stomach. I was dying to bury myself
deep within her, to feel her clenching around me and writhing in
the incredible pleasure I knew that we would give each other. My
hands moved lower over the round firm curves of her butt and I
pulled her tighter against me, seeking the pressure and friction I
needed. I was about to lift her and bring her legs around my waist
when she spoke against my mouth.

“God Ryan, was it always like this between
us?” she gasped out and I stilled instantly. “It’s so amazing.”

My heart ached at those
words. She didn’t remember what it was like having me touch her, or
what it felt like to have me inside her, making love to her until
neither one of us could take anymore. She didn’t remember that I
was the first one to take her, the
only
one.

I rested my forehead on hers as I struggled
for control. I was shaking so badly I thought I’d fall to my knees.
I braced myself against the wall of the shower behind her head.

And what if Moore is right?
As much as I wanted to make love with her, as
much as I needed her, I couldn’t do it. Not yet. My heart shattered
into a million pieces as I worried how she would interpret my
stopping.

This would hurt and it would hurt badly. For
both of us.

I brushed her hair back and bent to kiss her
softly on the lips. Julia responded and her hands pulled me back
again, arching up to press her mouth harder into mine. It was
killing me not to take her, to lose myself. I longed to pump every
ounce of love I felt into her until she was left breathless and
quivering around me.

“Julia, you have to know
how much I want this, but…we…oh fuck, we
can’t
. Not yet.”

She pulled back from me as if I had burned
her. I couldn’t see her eyes, because she had them closed, but I
knew the pain and rejection I would find in their green depths. My
heart broke all over again when my suddenly empty arms were left to
grasp at the space where she had been. “Honey, I…just think that we
should…”