Don't Let Go (25 page)

I ran two fingers under my eyes, not realizing I’d teared up again. “Later, okay?” I said, the thought of going anywhere revitalizing my headache. “Or I’ll give you some money and you can go get something. Or you can see what your dad comes back with?”

I saw her slump a little. “Okay.”

Mother of the year. I was mother of the freaking year.

“I think I’m going to take a little walk down to Nana Mae’s for a bit,” I said. “Want to come?”

Becca shook her head and stretched. “No, thanks. That cat stalks me, I swear.”

“Yeah, Maddy is a little unique, that’s for sure.”

She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “Isn’t Mr. Ryan’s house on that same street?”

I looked away, unwilling to cop to thinking the very same thing. “No, it’s the one before. But I’m going the long way.”

After scooping up all the Seth pictures from the kitchen, I put them in a big envelope and slipped on some sneakers.

“Wanna go to Nana Mae’s, Harley?” I said, making her stop mid-step toward her doggie door and look at me. After a second’s pause, she turned and went on through. She didn’t like Maddy either.

It was faster to go down Johnny Mack’s street, since Nana Mae was on the far corner of the next one, but I refused. I power-walked past it without even looking sideways, and then strolled up the next street to her house. She was outside crawling in her flower beds, in winter when there were no flowers, in bright orange yoga pants and a long-sleeved University of Texas T-shirt. Only my eighty-five-year-old Nana Mae.

“Hey,” I said, my sneakers sinking into her soft, plush lawn. Mine was never that good. My house, either. Then again, I didn’t have three yard guys and a maid service on my payroll.

Nana Mae turned slowly from her crouching position in the dirt and smiled.

“Hey there, sweet pea!” She backed out on all fours. “Hang on a second and I can look at you face-to-face.”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, I planted this little cactus garden over there.” She pointed with an elbow as I grabbed the other one to help her up. “Then I saw a couple of weeds sprouting up, and, you know.”

“It’s January, Nana Mae.”

“It’s cactus, Julianna, it doesn’t care,” she said, grunting to her feet.

“You pay people for this,” I pointed out. “So you don’t have to crawl around on your knees anymore.”

“I like crawling around,” she fussed. “And if I wait on them, it all goes to hell.”

“You’re hopeless,” I said, giving her shoulders a squeeze.

“Yeah, well, I’m breathing,” she said, brushing off her pants and rubbing her hands together to knock some of the dirt loose. “What’s up?” she said, gesturing at the envelope in my hand.

I felt the smile leave my face and then tried to pull it back. I had pictures of him, finally. Something to show for the child I gave birth to, for the years of wondering. I should be happy. But all the crap surrounding them just felt life-sucking.

“Let’s go in so you can clean up,” I said, holding up the envelope.

“Uh-oh,” she said. “What did I do?”

I laughed. “Nothing you’ve been busted for yet. Come on.”

When she’d washed up and settled onto the couch next to Maddy—who glared at me for interfering once again—I opened the envelope and laid everything out on the coffee table. Nana Mae frowned and pulled her readers from the top of her head, peering through them.

“What is this?” she asked. “Cute little—” She stopped and gasped, looking up at me over the glasses. When I didn’t say anything, she narrowed her gaze over them again, looking closer at one of them as she picked it up. One that looked very much like Noah. “It’s the same boy, here as a man. Oh, honey, is this—?”

“Seth,” I said, clearing my throat of the lump that had risen there. “I found out that his name is Seth.”

“Oh,” she exclaimed, her voice soft as she ran fingers over each of them, very much as I had. “What a beautiful boy.” She shook her head as her eyes filled with emotion. “So much like Becca when she was little. How did you get these?”

I bit down on my lip. She was my mother’s mother. But she looked up at me with true questions in her eyes and I couldn’t lie to her.

“Mom had them hidden away,” I said. “In a carved-out book.”

I watched the words hit her with surprise, then make her sit back a fraction as she thought it through. Slowly, she shook her head, not wanting to believe what I might be saying, even before I’d said much of anything.

“There’s more than this,” I said. “Letters and drawings and stuff.”

“Why?” she said, the word barely making sound. “Why?”

I swallowed. “Evidently she set up money for him in exchange for updates and stuff.”

Nana Mae blinked rapidly. “But—okay, but what about—how did you find out about it?” She stared down at all the captured moments of his life, held forever on photo paper and Polaroids. “Did you just—I mean, why was it hidden?”

Her rapid-fire randomness was exactly how I felt.

“She didn’t think I could handle it, so she decided—”

“Oh, my God,” she mumbled, putting a hand over her eyes.

I took a deep breath and continued. “To keep it under wraps.”

“How do you know this?”

“Johnny Mack.”

Her eyebrows shot up and she shoved her glasses back up on top of her head. “Say what?”

“Noah had pictures all along, sent from his dad, who got them from Mom.”

She narrowed her eyes as if I’d spoken Russian. “What the hell?”

“Shayna told me that Noah had pictures.”

“And who is Shayna?” she asked.

“Noah’s—fiancée.” I licked my lips and swallowed hard at the word.

Nana Mae sighed and sat back on the couch, studying me in that way of hers that always rattled me. “Of course. And she’s talking to you why?”

“Because I’m her—only friend here, I guess. I don’t know. Anyway, she told me that and I went to ask him—”

“To ask Noah?”

“Yes. And he said that his dad sent them, so we went to the diner—”

“Just you and him?”

“Yes! Will you quit?” I said, getting flustered. “And Johnny Mack told me the rest. Mom gave him copies and swore him to secrecy. So we went back to my house—”

“Just you and him.”

“Oh, my God,” I said. “Are you really doing this right now?”

She scoffed. “Are you really getting all pinked up and bothered that I’m pointing it out?”

I felt the damning heat on my chest and neck. “This is about what Mom did,” I said.

“Yes, it is,” she said. “And that’ll come back around to play. But first, I want to know why you’re hanging out so much with the very people you need to avoid.”

“I’m not trying to hang out with anyone, Nana Mae,” I said. “I work next door, I live two blocks away, we do business in all the same places. What am I supposed to do—leave town?”

“No, sweet pea, but he doesn’t need to be coming over to your house, either,” she said. “You do have a door.”

I blew out a breath. “I walked the long way today so I wouldn’t pass the house.” I sounded like a defensive teenager, but that’s where I felt she was putting me.

“Good girl,” she said. “So, back to the pictures. You—and Noah—went to your house, found her stash, and had sex.”

My eyes flew open wide. “No!”

“Really?”

“Really.” But I had to look away. Down at the pictures. Something to keep her from seeing everything else.

“Jesus, girl, don’t you learn?” she muttered, putting her glasses back on and peering down at the photos again.

She wasn’t fooled, and I felt the hopelessness of the night before pulling at me again.

“I told him good-bye again,” I said, my voice sounding as empty as I felt. “He has a second chance at getting a family.”

“Well, it is all about him,” she said under her breath before glancing up at me over the rims. “Oh, crap, I know that weepy look.”

I jerked my chin up. “You do not!”

“The hell I don’t,” she said. “I may be old but I still have my memory and this”—she wagged a finger up and down at me—“is you, twenty years ago over the same guy.”

I stood up and reached for my pictures, Maddy raising her head to hiss at me over the quick movement.

“Oh, get over it,” I hissed back.

“Where are you going?” Nana Mae asked.

“Home,” I said. “I came to show you your great-grandson. Not get put on trial.”

“Sit back down,” she said putting a hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, Julianna.” When I didn’t move, she pointed at the chair. “Sit?”

With a sigh, I sat and covered my face with my hands.

“I didn’t sleep with him.”

“But?” she asked.

“I was about to.” I brought my hands down. “I’m pathetic.”

“No, sweet pea, you’re in love,” she said. “God help you. And that’s something you haven’t seen in a really long time.”

“I can’t, Nana Mae,” I said. “I can’t do this. He’s taken. And I actually like the woman. She’s so damn nice it irritates the crap out of me.”

“Then steer clear,” she said. “Because she’ll pick up on the sparks, believe me.”

“Hayden tried to fight him the other night,” I said, scooping my hair back. “Think he picked up on a few too.”

“Oh, Lord, I would’ve paid to see that.” She sat back again, taking a photo with her and sighing deeply. “Oh, Mary, what the hell did you do?” she said, more to herself than to me.

I was quiet, letting her go where she wanted with her thoughts. I knew how it felt to want to shake your daughter senseless. Feeling that after their death must be heart wrenching. Parents should never outlive their children.

“She didn’t tell you either,” I said, finally.

Nana Mae shook her head and dabbed at her eyes. “I’m sure she knew I’d disapprove. That I’d tell you.” She put the picture down, her face twitching with sadness and anger. “Some things about your mother I swear I never came to understand and probably never will.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Me too, sweet pea.”

Chapter 16

I sat in my car on the other side of the building, hiding again like a big fat coward. I’d made it through an entire day post-almost-sex-with-Noah, but that wasn’t saying much considering I’d never left my house or my make-out clothes.

It was Monday. A new day, a new week. Showering today had stripped my armor and my courage, and so while I’d come in early to hopefully avoid him, and checked out the front to make sure his truck wasn’t there yet, I still felt the need to sit there and recharge.

“Grow up, Julianna,” I said, blowing out a breath.

I got out and smoothed down the dark green sweater dress I’d worn—just in case paths might cross after all. Because in all my determination to avoid him, I was supremely twisted in my need to look hot. For my ex-boyfriend that I’d turned away while still needing him to see what he was missing.

Women are messed up.

And as I rounded the corner of the sidewalk I nearly sucked my tongue down my throat as Noah and Shayna got out of his truck, parked right in front of my damn door.

“Shit—son of a bitch,” I muttered, fighting the urge to turn around and run back to my car. But we were only twenty feet apart, and the heeled boots I’d just had to wear gave me away.

They both turned. Shayna with a smile and concern and already moving in my direction. Noah, looking like he’d just been hit with a stun gun. He stopped where he stood, his eyes glazing over. That was his way, and how it would be for us going forward. Protection by way of shutting down. Boy, the next twenty years were going to be a real riot.

Damn it, if I’d just not been such a wuss and gotten out of the freaking car when I got there.

Look away. Look away. Don’t make eye contact.

“Hey,” Shayna said, reaching me as I got to my door. She grabbed my hand in her gloved one. “I heard about everything, Jules, I’m so sorry.”

Everything? I sincerely doubted that. She wouldn’t have been holding my hand if she had. She’d be breaking my fingers.

“Thank you, it’s—it’s all okay now.” Which was a lie. Nothing was okay. Things might very well never be okay again.

Shayna reached back for Noah and pulled him from where he’d taken root in the concrete. I saw him shove his hands into his leather jacket pockets.

“Noah said you were really upset, Jules, I’m so sorry I told you like that. I didn’t know—”

I was already shaking my head. “No, no, not at all, Shayna, you didn’t do anything. And thanks to you I have pictures now.” I smiled at her. “It was a rough day, yes. But something very precious came out of it.” I pressed a hand against my stomach and held my chin up. “It’s a day I’ll never forget.”

I heard a sharp exhale come from him, and he coughed to cover it. “I’m going in, Shayna,” he said, his voice sounding tired. Like maybe he didn’t sleep either. “Glad you’re feeling better, Jules.”

At my name, my gaze shot up to meet his. In that one second, he faltered. I saw the rawness of our connection before the walls came back and locked into place. I blinked and jerked my eyes away.

And saw Shayna staring at him, her eyebrows slightly pulled together like she was studying a painting.

“Y’all have a good day,” I said quickly, turning to unlock my door before anyone could study anyone. “Shit,” I whispered under my breath as I pulled the door open and slipped inside.

The quiet darkness enveloped me, and I let it. I walked farther into the dark of the store, away from the invasive light of the windows, and sank into a soft chair. I’d forgotten how much I loved that—getting there before Ruthie and just soaking up the quiet. I’d let her open up for—I didn’t even know how long it had been. It was never an official decision, it just sort of became the norm.

I felt it, the heaviness of the days. The strength of will I was going to have to muster. I should have never let myself go there with Noah. God, what was I thinking? There was no ignoring him now. Just seeing him on the sidewalk had made my knees weak. How the hell was I supposed to go about daily life?

The door jingled, making me sit up.

“Jules?” Ruthie’s voice called out. She sounded wary and a little concerned.

“I’m here,” I said, swiping under my eyes as lights started powering up. I hadn’t even realized I’d teared up, but hell, of course I had. That’s all I did anymore.