Don't Let Me Go (36 page)

“Oh,” Billy said. He sat close to her on the couch. “For how long?”

“Like…I don’t know. Like forever. Or until she catches her loaded, I guess.”

“Oh,” Billy said.

“Yeah. Oh.”

They sat that way for a long time. Grace was watching it get dark through Billy’s thin front curtain. It got dark a lot later these days. Grace had noticed that. The days just kept going by.

Billy’s voice made her jump.

“So, are you just going to be unhappy every day? Because something could go wrong next time, even though it didn’t this time?”

“What choice do I have, Billy?”

“I think that’s the one thing we do have a choice about,” Billy said. “Ms. Katz came today, and your mom was clean, and I didn’t see you spend even one minute being happy about it.”

“Hmm,” Grace said.

It made a weird sort of sense. Ms. Katz could take her away any time now. In a week, or two weeks, or next month. But she also could have today, and she didn’t. Grace could be gone right now, but she wasn’t.

“OK, you’re right,” she said. “Yea, yea, Grace didn’t get taken away today. Every day I’m here I’ll say that little cheer. Hey, that even rhymes. Yea, yea, Grace didn’t get taken away today. Every day I’m here I’ll say that little cheer. See? Even that second part rhymes.”

“It doesn’t scan, though,” Billy said.

“What’s scan?”

“Nothing. Sorry. I shouldn’t criticize. It’s a great cheer. Very good attitude.”

“No, really. Tell me what scan is.”

“When it works out right rhythm-wise.”

“Oh. Right. That. Like a real poem. I could fix it with more yeas. Yea, yea, yea, yea, Grace dint get taken away today. I have to sort of say ‘dint’ instead of didn’t. But then it works pretty good. Billy. Teach me another kind of dancing, OK?”

“What kind?”

“I don’t know. Anything. I just want to dance, and I’m getting over-rehearsed on my tap dance for school, you said so yourself. So let’s do something different.”

So Billy, because of his being Billy and all, taught her a waltz.

You did it to the count of three, facing each other and holding hands, which was kind of nice because it was something they could do together. And then, after a few steps, he taught her how to step back and twirl. He held one of her hands above her head and she twirled. And then she made Billy step back and twirl, even though that’s the girl’s part, and even though Grace had to reach up high and he had to duck down low. It made them both laugh.

So that was a good day.

Billy

It was twenty-three days later. Twenty-three once-daily “Grace dint get taken away today” cheers later. Exactly. Billy had been counting.

Someone signal-knocked at his door in the middle of the day. Grace should have been at school, Rayleen should have been at work, and nobody else even knew about the signal-knock. Billy hurried to the door and opened it.

It was Rayleen.

“Hey,” he said. “What are you doing home in the middle of the day?”

“It’s Jesse’s mother,” she said. “She took a bad turn. They took her from the nursing home to the hospital. It looks like it won’t be long now. Can I come in? I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

He stood back from the doorway, and she came in.

“Coffee?”

“No. Thanks. I have to talk fast so my throat won’t close up. I stayed way too long last time. Took me days to get over it. So, really quick. Jesse wants me to be with him. You know. When his mother’s dying. So I’m going.”

“Oh. Good. So you want to know if Grace can be here tonight?”

“Maybe not just tonight. I have no idea how long it’ll be. Could be days.”

It struck Billy hard that Jesse was away. He wouldn’t walk with them to school in the morning. The best part of Billy’s day. How would he feel when Jesse left permanently? He put the thought away again, knowing he couldn’t take it on just then.

“It’s fine. She can be here as long as she needs to be. But. Oh. You’ll be gone, too. For days. So…how’s she going to get to school in the morning?”

“Right. That’s what I need to talk about. I was hoping…you.”

“Me?”

“I was hoping.”

“Just me? Alone?” His voice rose alarmingly.

“Well. You and Grace.”

“Not on the way home it wouldn’t be.”

Billy felt panic rising up through his words, feeding on itself.

“But you’re doing so much better. You’ve been walking with us every morning. It must be starting to feel a little more natural by now.”

“Oh, yes,” Billy said. “Very. It feels very natural. Probably because I never have to do it all alone any more.”

“OK. Look. Bottom line, I think I need to go with Jesse. But I know this is asking a lot of you. I knew it would be. So I already called Felipe. He says he’ll do it if there’s really no other way. But he doesn’t get off work until after one in the morning. So it’s really going to cut into his sleep. But if the two of you could work it out…Maybe he could go with you tomorrow, and the day after you could try it by yourself?”

Billy forced himself to take a deep breath.

“I don’t know,” he said, “but we’ll work it out somehow. You just go. We’ll work it out.”

Rayleen stepped in and threw her arms around him. Billy felt the warmth of her lips on his cheek. It didn’t move off a second later, either. The lips remained pressed to his face for what felt like an extended time. And much later, even after she’d hurried out the door, the warmth was still there to be felt.

• • •

“Here, take this up to Felipe,” Billy said to Grace. “He’ll need it.”

Grace took the mug from his hands, holding it carefully in both of hers.

“Poor Felipe. He doesn’t get to bed until after two. No cream? Why didn’t you put cream in it?”

“Because Felipe doesn’t take cream. He takes it black.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Wait,” she said, paused in his doorway. “When did you ever have coffee with Felipe?”

“One day while you were at school. Run get him now, OK? We have to go.”

Truthfully, Billy realized, they were right on time and there was no need to hurry. It was only his stress that drove the moment.

A few minutes later she led Felipe down the stairs, both hands on his elbow. Felipe was holding the mug of coffee with one hand and rubbing both eyes with the other, feeling his way down the steps without looking.

When Grace led him up to the doorway, he looked up at Billy and smiled sleepily, then yawned.

“OK. I’m here, my friend. Ready when you are.”

His accent was thicker than usual, probably owing to his being mostly asleep.

Then he gave Billy a quick, one-armed hug. It almost made up for the lack of Jesse. To the extent that anything could ever make up for the lack of Jesse.

• • •

He stood shoulder to shoulder with Felipe, watching Grace walk through the schoolyard.

“So, that’s really something, then,” Felipe said.

“What is?”

“Oh. Sorry. I guess when I’m sleepy, I think out loud. I was thinking how when I first met you, you didn’t even go across the hall. And now here you are standing in front of Grace’s school.”

“Don’t remind me,” Billy said. “Six days left until Grace’s big day. And the hardest part of all is actually going inside the school. And I haven’t even tried it once.”

Billy sighed, and they turned and began the long walk home together.

“You’ll be fine,” Felipe said. “Look at all you did so far.”

“If Jesse’s there, I’ll be fine. But he might not be.”

“What’s so special about Jesse?” Felipe asked. “No, you know what? Never mind. I sort of know. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know what you mean. When people are having trouble, he’s the guy. Maybe he’ll be back on time.”

“I sure hope so. Sorry to get you up so early.”

“My own fault,” Felipe said. “I stayed up extra-late last night. I knew it was a mistake. I knew I’d pay big for it. But I did it anyway. You see…I sorta met a girl.”

“Really? That’s great.”

“Well, not really, I didn’t. Well, I mean…I did. She’s a girl. And I met her. But I don’t know much yet. You know. I just met her. But she came on as prep cook at my work. Clara, her name is. So we ended up going up on the roof of the restaurant and talking till three. Crazy, I know. But she’s so different from my last girlfriend. All quiet and shy. My last girlfriend was really pretty, too pretty, and she knew it. She knew what she had, and she never let me forget it. You know? So, listen. What did Jesse do that helped you when he walked with you? Anything special? Or was it just Jesse being Jesse?”

“Well. Let’s see. A little bit of both, I guess. He used to put one hand on my shoulder. But you don’t have to do that if you don’t want. It might look weird. But I think Jesse doesn’t care much what people think.”

A moment later Billy felt Felipe’s hand settle firmly on to his shoulder.

“Thanks,” Billy said.

“When I was a kid I was scared of the dark,” Felipe said. “Who knows why people are scared of things, right? If you are you just are. And my dad was kinda strict about stuff like that. You know. Being all independent and making him proud by doing everything just right. I was always supposed to be a man. You know? But when you’re five it’s kinda hard. So I’d just pretend I wasn’t scared. But it’s easier if you don’t have to pretend. That much I know. I know how it feels to be scared.”

Billy heard the rumble of a car engine, beefy and rough and with no appreciable muffler. His blood turned to ice when it slowed beside them.

He looked over to see a tough-looking Hispanic man leaning out the open driver’s window. The man made kissing noises at them.

Felipe’s hand dropped to his side.

“
Maricones!
” the man shouted cheerfully. “
Es tan en amor, maricones!
”

He stepped on the gas, and apparently the brake at the same time, and the tires spun with a screaming sound. The acrid smell of burning rubber filled Billy’s nostrils. Then the car blessedly sped away, the driver flipping his middle finger at them as he drove.

“Sorry,” Billy said quietly.

“No, don’t be sorry. I should be sorry to you. I don’t know why I took my hand away. I was just being your friend, anyway. I shoulda told that guy to bite me. Screw him. Screw ‘em all.”

Felipe put his hand back on Billy’s shoulder, more firmly and more affectionately this time, and they began to walk again.

“See now why I hate to go outside so much?”

“Yeah. I guess I do. But you gotta do it anyway, right? I mean, it’s life. You gotta do life. Right?”

“Not really,” Billy said. “You don’t have to. Lots of people don’t do life any more. They just stop at some point. And once you stop, it’s really hard to get started again. But then, once you get started again, it’s kind of hard to stop. What did that guy say to us?”

“You don’t want to know.”

They walked in silence for a block or two, that reassuring hand resting on Billy’s shoulder.

Then Billy said, “I can take her myself tomorrow.”

“Really?”

“Really. I have no idea how. But I will. You stay after work and talk to Clara. I’ll make it work somehow. I just will.”

• • •

“I’m holding your hand,” Grace said.

As if he wouldn’t know.

They stood in the open doorway of their building, the spring morning hitting Billy in the face. The same kind of morning as yesterday, he reminded himself. And dozens of days before that. Except it wasn’t. Because today he had to walk home alone. He swallowed hard against the pounding in his chest and temples, for no reason he could have explained.

“You have to do this,” Grace said. “You told Felipe to stay up extra late, and now you have to get me to school.”

She tugged gently forward on his hand, gripping it tightly in both of hers.

“Yes,” Billy said. “The inevitability of the moment is not lost on me.”

“You’re so weird, Billy. Come on. Stop thinking about it and just do it.”

She pulled him forward, and he willed his feet to keep moving, to build some momentum. Next thing he knew he was down the stairs and out on to the sidewalk.

“I’d close my eyes,” he said, “but I’d probably trip or something.”

“You can close your eyes. I can lead you like you were a blind guy. I could be the guide dog.”

“I’m not sure it would help.”

“Try it.”

Billy closed his eyes and took four steps blind. And immediately pictured angry men in passing cars, muggers at the end of the block. All manner of miscreants, none of whom Grace would know enough to warn him about.

He opened his eyes again.

“That doesn’t help.”

“Right,” Grace said. “I was just thinking you can’t close your eyes on the way home, anyway.”

“Oh, thank you so much for reminding me of the way home.”

He stalled on the sidewalk. Grace tugged at his hand but could not restart him.

“I think I’m getting just a wee tiny bit panicky,” he said.

“I’m going to let go of your hand, but don’t you dare run home.”

She let go, and Billy remained rooted. He glanced over his shoulder.

“Don’t look back!” she shouted. “You know better than to do that. What if Jesse were here? What would he tell you?”