Double Fudge (7 page)

"You can't own a name," Flora said.

"Can too!" Fudge insisted.

Little Farley growled again. Fudge looked at him. "Can't he talk?"

"Of course he can talk," Flora said.

"But he doesn't have to because ..." Fauna said.

"We say everything for him." Flora finished the sentence. Having a conversation with the Natural Beauties was like watching two guys playing a video game. You got dizzy from trying to follow it.

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When Little Farley growled a third time, Fauna said, "He likes to pretend he's a bear."

"Or a lion," Flora added.

"I don't care if he's a bear
or
a lion," Fudge told them. "He can't have my name!"

This time, Little Farley bared his teeth.

"I think we should call him Fudge-let," Fauna said to her sister.

"Or Fudge-kin," Flora suggested.

"Oh, I like that," Fauna said. She put her arm around her little brother.

"Why don't you just call him
Mini,"
I said.

"Minnie?" Flora said.

"As in
Mouse?"
Fauna asked.

"No," I told them. "As in
Mini-Fudge."
In case they still didn't get it, I spelled it for them.
"M-i-n-i."

"Mini-Farley,"
Fudge shouted. "Because there's only one Fudge and that's me!"

Mini-Farley got down on all fours, growled at Fudge, then attacked, grabbing Fudge's pants leg in his mouth. Fudge tried shaking him off but Mini held on, pulling and twisting until Fudge lost his balance and crashed to the floor. As he did, he let out a bloodcurdling scream. That got the attention not only of all four parents, but everyone else in the gift shop.

86

"Stop that, Farley!" Flora shouted, as Fauna pulled him off Fudge.

Dad rushed to Fudge, kneeled beside him, and checked his leg.

"Dad," Fudge cried, "tell them they can't steal my name!"

"Nobody's
stealing
your name," Dad said, trying to soothe him.

"Promise?" Fudge asked, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

"Actually," Fauna said, "we're just borrowing it."

"No fair!" Fudge said. "You have to ask if you want to borrow something. Right, Dad?"

"That's how it's usually done," Dad agreed.

"Then let's just say we're ..." Flora began, looking at her sister.

"Copying your name," Fauna said.

"Copying?" Fudge asked.

"Yes," Flora said. "And copying is the highest form of flattery."

"If you want to copy you have to pay two million dollars," Fudge told them.

The Natural Beauties laughed. "Your brother's hilarious," Fauna told me.

"Don't you know the best things in life are free?" Flora asked Fudge.

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As if that were some kind of cue, the Natural Beauties put their heads close together, hummed a note, and next thing I knew they started singing, right there in the middle of the gift shop.

The moon belongs to everyone The best things in life are free. The stars belong to everyone They gleam there for you and me....

I backed away, hoping to disappear into the crowd that had gathered around them.
This was worse than Fudge's tantrum at the shoe store. I never should have come to
Washington. I should have stayed in New York with Grandma. Or gone to Jimmy Fargo's. Anything but this. Absolutely anything!

Finally, I was saved by the guard who came over and suggested that if we were finished shopping we might like to continue the show elsewhere.
Yes! Thank you, guard. Thank you for saving me.

88

I should have known the guard at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving couldn't save me. I should have known Dad and Cousin Howie would want to catch up and talk about old times. Not that Cousin Howie was happy when Mom and Dad both said they'd prefer no fat frozen yogurt to ice-cream sundaes. You could see the disappointment on his face. He told the waiter to bring them a side order of hot fudge, just in case. "In honor of Uncle Farley Drexel," Cousin Howie said to Dad. "Remember how he loved his hot fudge, Tubby?"

89

"No," Dad said.

"Then your memory's not what it used to be," Cousin Howie said. "Uncle Farley had a hot fudge sundae every day of his life. I'm sure the reason you call your boy
Fudge
is because of Uncle Farley Drexel's love for it."

"I don't think so," Dad said.

Eudora laughed. "Well, Tubby... either way it's a treat to be here with you and your family. Howie's told me so many stories about the two of you. About how close you were as boys and how you were both going to be forest rangers when you grew up."

"Howie's a park ranger," Eudora said. "He's been at all the national parks in Hawaii. On January second he's starting his new job at Everglades National Park. Until then we'll be traveling around the country."

"Everglades," Dad said. "That sounds exciting, Howie."

"Yes, it does," Cousin Howie agreed. "How about you, Tubby? What do you do?"

"
Warren is in advertising," Mom answered. "We live in New York City."

"Advertising?" Cousin Howie's face clouded over.
"Advertising!"

90

"That's right," Dad said, and I was glad he sounded proud of his job.

"But how can that be, Tub?" Cousin Howie asked. "Are you saying you broke your vows?"

"Howie ..." Dad said, "we were boys. Boys often change their minds when they become men."

"Well, I am certainly disappointed to hear that," Cousin Howie said. "I never expected you to sell out."

"What did you sell, Dad?" Fudge asked. "How much did you get for it?"

"It wasn't a question of selling out, Howie," Dad said, ignoring Fudge. "It was a question of growing up and following my interests."

You tell him, Dad!
I thought. Then I got this picture in my mind of Jimmy and me meeting about twenty years from now. Jimmy's wife will remind me that he and I vowed to become professional sock hockey players. And I'll be--I don't know--a web designer or a movie director and Jimmy will get all worked up about it because he'll be star of the Vermont Blue Socks, the national sock hockey champions, and he'll tell me I sold out.

"This is saaaad news, Tubby," Cousin Howie said, stretching out the word. "Advertising doesn't help make the world a better place."

"Oh yes ..." Fudge said. "I learn a lot from commercials."

91

A lot of nothing,
I thought.

"Commercials?" Cousin Howie said. "You write commercials?"

Fudge licked his spoon and said, "My dad invented the Juicy-O commercial, and the Toddle Bike commercial, and the one for X-Plode cereal."

The Natural Beauties gave Fudge a blank look.

"You know ..." Fudge told them, "from TV."

"We don't have TV," Fauna said.

"Pete," Fudge said, "did you hear that? They don't have TV."

"And they aren't missing anything either," Cousin Howie said.

Dad didn't respond. He was trying to be diplomatic, I could tell. But Fudge was like a train that couldn't be stopped. "And last year my dad wrote a book," he announced.

Now Cousin Howie relaxed his brow. "A book! Well, that's more like it," he said. "Isn't that more like it, girls?"

"Yes, Daddy," the Natural Beauties chanted. "That's more like it!"

"What kind of book, Tub?" Cousin Howie asked.

But did Dad have a chance to answer? No! Turkey Brain wouldn't shut up. "Longer than a Dr. Seuss book," he said, "but shorter than an encyclopedia. Right, Dad?"

92

Dad tried to smile. He and Mom exchanged a look. Then Dad said, "Actually, Howie, I was researching the history of advertising."

Howie's face clouded over again. I noticed that when he scrunched up his forehead, his eyebrows crept together as if they were living things. "History is one thing, Tub... but the history of advertising is a ... is a ..."

Eudora put her hand on Cousin Howie's arm. "Now, Howie... let's remember it takes all kinds to make the world go round."

The Natural Beauties jumped up, put their heads close together, and hummed a note.

Oh no!
I thought.
They're going to do it again. Get me out of here!

This time it was some song about how love makes the world go round. Not only did they sing, they danced. All around the coffee shop. Fortunately, only three other tables were occupied.

Fudge leaned close and whispered, "Is this a show, Pete?"

Yeah... a freak show,
I thought. But instead of answering Fudge's question I moaned and buried my head in my hands, grateful we weren't in New York, where I might have known someone, someone from school who would say,
Saw you having ice cream with those weird sisters. Hope you're not related.

93

During the show, Mini buried his face in his ice cream bowl and lapped up what was left of his ice cream sundae. Cousin Howie and Eudora didn't notice, not even when Mini reached for the side order of hot fudge and lapped that up, too. He reminded me of Turtle. That's exactly what he does when you give him leftover scrambled eggs.

When the Natural Beauties finished their act, everyone in the coffee shop applauded, even our waiter. Eudora beamed. "They've been performing since they were six," she told us. "They're known across the Hawaiian Islands as the
Heavenly Hatchers."

This was even more embarrassing than I'd thought!

When the waiter brought the bill, Dad grabbed it. "My treat," he said.

Cousin Howie didn't argue. Neither did Eudora, who said, "Thank you, Tubby. That was mighty fine ice cream. This is a day we'll always remember."

I was thinking,
Oh yeah... we'll definitely remember today!
Then I pushed back my chair and stood up. "So, Dad ... we better get going." I tapped my watch. "Remember... the Air and Space Museum?"

"Air and Space Museum?" Fudge said. "Do they have a gift shop?"

That night Mom called Grandma from our hotel, to find out how she was doing with Tootsie. The second

94

she hung up, the phone rang. It was Cousin Howie. When Dad got off the line he said, "Well, boys... Cousin Howie's invited you on a VIP tour of the National Zoo tomorrow morning."

"Zoo?" Fudge asked. He was playing with the airplane he got at the Air and Space Museum.

"Yes," Dad told him. "And you know what they have at the National Zoo?"

"Tigers?" Fudge guessed, getting ready to launch his plane.

"I'm sure they do," Dad said.

"How about elephants?" Fudge asked, pulling back the rubber band.

"Probably," Dad said. "And they also have pandas."

"Pandas... like in the Imax movie?" Fudge let go of the plane, which came flying across the room right at me. I held up my new book
--A History of
Aerial Warfare--to protect my face and the plane crashed to the floor.

"Pete, look what you did to my plane!"

"That's nothing compared to what your plane would have done to my face."

"Okay, boys ..." Mom said. "How about getting into bed? Dad and I are pooped. And tomorrow's another busy day."

I fell asleep and dreamed that the woman in the red suit, the one Fudge spit banana on, was my math teacher.

95

She asked me to show her how I solved my problem. I kept trying but I couldn't get the right answer. Then I was in a small plane. It was so dark I couldn't see the pilot's face. I had no idea who he was until he said, "So, Pete ..." That's when I jumped, even though I had no parachute. As I fell I passed the Natural Beauties, who were slowly floating down. "Catch him," Flora said. "What for?" Fauna asked. Then I woke up. My heart was racing. I checked my watch. It had only been twenty minutes since Mom turned out the lights.

At eight the next morning, Dad delivered Fudge and me to Cousin Howie. Howie was dressed in his park ranger uniform, sitting in the driver's seat of an official golf cart at the entrance to the zoo. "You see, Tub ... if you were a ranger you could get special privileges, too." Eudora sat next to him, with Mini in her lap. The Natural Beauties sat in back.

"Hop aboard, boys," Howie called. "Really sorry we can't invite you to join us, Tub. But we're at the limit now."

Dad didn't look at all sorry he couldn't go with us. "Keep an eye on Fudge, Peter," he called as he dashed off. I wanted to run after him. Going to a museum with him and Mom had to be better than this. But before I had the chance, Howie floored it. "Hang on, everybody!"

96

he sang as he nearly mowed down a group of early morning joggers. Fudge grabbed hold of me as we zoomed along the road through the zoo. At one sharp curve the golf cart almost toppled. Mini laughed like crazy. The Natural Beauties shrieked and the one next to me--I think it was Flora--grabbed my arm and dug her fingernails into my flesh. On the next curve she practically ended up in my lap. She cried, "Daddy... slow down!"

But Cousin Howie yelled, "Yip-eeee!" as he swerved and curved and drove like a total maniac.

"Yip-eee!" Mini yelled with him.

Finally, Eudora shouted, "Howie, think of the example you're setting for our children!"

Cousin Howie slammed on the brakes. The rest of us fell forward. "Got carried away there for a minute," Cousin Howie said. "What do we do when we get carried away?"

"We stop and count to ten," the Natural Beauties said, sounding relieved.

"And if that doesn't work?" Cousin Howie asked.

"We count to ten again," the girls said.

"And that's exactly what I'm going to do," Cousin Howie said. "Let's all count together." He took a deep breath, then counted to ten. The Natural Beauties counted along with him. "I don't hear
everybody
counting," Cousin Howie said, turning to look at me

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and Fudge. This time we counted along with the others. When we got to ten, Mini kicked his feet and shouted, "Yip-eee!" again.

"Good... very good," Cousin Howie said.

Later, when we met up with Mom and Dad, Fudge said, "Look what Cousin Eudora got for me at the panda gift shop." He held out a tiny stuffed panda. I'd bought the same one for Tootsie.

"How thoughtful of Eudora to buy you a souvenir," Mom said.

"It's not the one I wanted," Fudge said.

"The one he wanted cost four hundred and seventy-five dollars," I told Mom and Dad. "It was life-size."

"Fudge is such a scream," Flora said.

"We've never met anybody like him," Fauna said.

Who has?
I thought.

"And look at this," Fudge said, waving a certificate in Mom's face. "I'm an official member of the Panda Poop Club."

"The Panda Poop Club?" Mom said.

"Yes. I'm the only one who sniffed the poop and held it in my hands."

"It was on a paper towel," I reminded him.

"Even so, Pete ..."

It's true he was the only one of us to hold it. We all sniffed it. But that was before we knew what it was.

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We thought it was a peeled sweet potato. It was the same color as a sweet potato. It was shaped like one, too. So how were we supposed to know it was poop? It smelled like grass to me. That was before I found out grass and bamboo smell a lot alike.

Jane, the panda keeper, had signed Fudge's official certificate. "When I get enough money, I'm going to buy my own panda," he'd told her.

"Where will you keep him?" Jane had asked.

"In my apartment. I'll have a very big apartment with a panda room. And when it's nice out, I'll walk my panda in Central Park. Mom will cook him sweet potatoes and I'll have another room filled with bamboo. And I'll take his poop to school for sharing and let all the kids sniff it, especially Richie Potter."

Now Fudge began to tell Mom and Dad everything he'd learned about pandas. "Even though they look soft and cuddly, they're still wild animals. They have claws and sharp teeth. You know why their heads are so big? Because pandas are born to chew. Their jaws are so strong they can crunch bamboo. And they use their hands like raccoons do."

"It sounds as if you learned a lot this morning," Dad said.