Double Trouble (42 page)

“Such as?”

“I love you.” I spoke fiercely, not wanting to be distracted from what I had to say. “I love you more than I ever thought I could love anybody, which is pretty scary stuff, but I know that this isn’t easy.”

“Maralys...”

“I want you to know that. And I want you to understand that I’m trusting you here. You might remember that I stink at trusting people and not drag it all out too long.”

He laughed under his breath. “Thank you, Maralys. That means a lot to me.”

I was a bit shocked that he didn’t reply in kind, even though he was at work. “Well, it should. I don’t go around falling in love with just anybody, you know.”

“Lucky for me.”

No one said anything then. I could hear him breathing and my heart pounding. Well. This was working out wonderfully. “See you Friday? I’m having this party and I think you should come.”

“I wouldn’t miss it. We’ll all be there, Maralys.”

Now that was more than I needed to know. Someone spoke to James and he excused himself, probably a relief to both of us, and I was left holding the receiver, vastly dissatisfied with the result of my bold foray into the land of sweet confessions.

So much for that.

Look Ma, I’m getting stronger by the minute.

* * *

Now, you know that I could have hooked up with James and probably elbowed my way into his life. I thought of it a thousand times that week. I could have seized control of the situation and made it come out my way.

But see, that was the point. I had to trust him or lose it all, even if trusting him might mean I lost it all anyhow. So, I schmoozed my client and picked up the check and rushed it to the bank like it might melt if I held it in my hands too long. Then I made a visit to my friendly IRS dude, who really is a pretty reasonable guy, and paid the last payment.

That was a good feeling. Mr. Morelli printed out my receipt and smiled as he pushed it across the desk, weaseling it between all the pictures of the grinning Morelli familia. “You should be proud of yourself, Ms. O’Reilly. Not many people would have the stick-to-itiveness to see this through to the end. You’ve made a remarkable achievement.”

“Thanks. You know, I’m having a party Friday night to celebrate. You should come.”

“Oh no. That’s a private affair.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be having it, if you hadn’t helped me work out a payment plan. You’ve got to come. Bring Mrs. Morelli and all the little Morelli’s. Please.”

He looked at me and smiled a little. He was as proud as could be of his kids and I had a feeling that inviting them kind of turned the tide. “All right. Maybe we will. Thank you.”

And I walked out of the IRS offices for the last time with my head held high. Ha.

* * *

I was dressed but still getting the mirror ball just right when the elevator buzzer rang from below. I assumed it was the caterers again and to tell the truth wasn’t in that prime of a mood. I was going to enjoy my party or die trying but was starting to think that the latter was more likely. It buzzed twice more while I stumbled down off the ladder in my spikes.

“What?” I shouted down the shaft. “Haven’t you figured out how it works yet?”

“That would be a trick, seeing as I’ve never been here before.”

It was my sister.

Marcia came up the elevator, oozing attitude, though I was glad to see that she was alone. She wore jeans and a tailored Lauren jacket, not exactly party-wear but elegant stuff.

“You’re too early,” I said, turning back to the mirror ball. “Come back in an hour.”

“That’s what I was hoping. I wanted to talk to you alone.”

I turned and looked at her. “That’s a joke, right?”

Marcia shook her head. “No, it’s not.”

“Come to gloat?”

She smiled. “No. You should be the one gloating. This is an incredible place.” She wandered into my cave, not touching anything, just eating it up with her greedy gaze.

“I wouldn’t have thought it would be your style.”

Marcia looked back at me from some twenty paces away and almost smiled. It was like looking in a mirror, well almost, except I had the fab dress this time. And a better haircut.

“Maybe that’s the problem,” she said enigmatically. She poked in her purse and came up with a pack of cigarettes. “Mind if I smoke?”

“Actually, I do.”

“You’ll get over it.” She lit up and her smile broadened at my evident shock that she had defied my request. She blew the smoke at the ceiling.

“It’s not like you to be rude,” I said with caution.

Marcia was hostile. “You mean it’s not like me to not bend to everybody’s expectation.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t you? Look at you! You do what you like, you say what you like, you live how you like and no one ever dares to question you about it. No one ever had any expectations of you...”

“Right! They assumed I’d be dead in a ditch, or in jail, before I reached twenty years of age.”

She poked her cigarette through the air at me. “Wrong. They knew that if they challenged you, you’d gnaw their faces off. Mom and Dad respected you. Maybe they were even afraid of you a bit, but me...” Marcia exhaled smoke again and her words turned bitter. “I was supposed to fulfill every dream they’d ever had.”

I blinked. I’d never thought of it that way.

Marcia sighed. “You always slipped under the wire, Maralys. I never knew how you did it, but was I ever jealous of you.” She took a deep drag and glared at me, smoke wreathing her features. “I hated you for years. I
fucking
hated you.”

I moseyed over and stole a butt from the pack. “Ever said that word before?”

“No.” She touched her cigarette to mine, lighting mine and we both took a drag. “I mean, fuck, no.”

We looked at each other and started to laugh. “I’ll call Dad and he’ll wash your mouth out with soap,” I teased, but Marcia shook her head.

“No, you won’t. You never ratted on anybody. You never did what you were supposed to do. You just defied them all and they washed their hands of you.”

“Nobody made you be the goody girl.”

“But once you start, you can’t stop. Every bit of praise and affection was based on my being good. On my doing the right thing. Of my not disappointing anyone. What kind of life is that? I was keeping my shoes clean and playing parentally-approved games and being a nice young lady—- while you, you were running through the mud with the boys having a whale of a time. You’re lucky I didn’t kill you in your sleep.”

“Is that what good girls do?”

“No, but I had no idea how to not get caught. You were always the one with the devious mind.”

“Ah, go easy on yourself. You picked pink for our room. I’ll need traumatic counseling about that color for the rest of my life.”

We chuckled together, then I gave her the eye. “Is that why you left, to give a test drive to the bad girl coupe?” I did not ask why she’d come back. Not yet.

“No.” Marcia sobered, then looked around for somewhere to butt out.

“In the sink,” I suggested.

She eyed the kitchen zone while she was there, marveling. “This is so cool. It’s so you.”

Was that a hands-off warning? Who knew.

“Thanks.” I drew deep again, waiting.

Marcia folded her arms across her chest. “You know, the problem with other people’s expectations is that you get so used to fulfilling them that you forget to stop and think for yourself. We were supposed to go to university, but not to learn anything. We were supposed to snag a man and get married and make babies.” She eyed me warily. “You have to know that after all my years of being good, it really made me mad to realize that this hunky guy was only chasing me because he thought I was you.”

I butted out in turn, not saying anything. I wasn’t going to make this easier for her.

“So, you’ve probably figured out that I lied to him. I mean, why not? It started as a joke, just something to pull your chain.”

“Like the picture?”

She shook her head. “That was so mean. And I loved it, you know. I loved how it ripped you up.” She looked away. “I didn’t know then that you’d slept with him, Maralys. I thought you’d just gone out once.”

I declined to provide the details that a/ we had never actually gone out together and that b/ I had conceived a child. Some things are better left alone.

“And then, I kind of liked James. What I really liked, though, was that he was so eligible, so handsome, plus had such a good family, such a promising future. I loved that Mom and Dad adored him. I loved that he was so determined to marry me.”

“Did you love him?”

“No. But I thought he loved me and I thought that would be good enough.” She shrugged and smiled at her own youthful assumptions. “I certainly appreciated the advantages of marrying him. And besides, that was what we were supposed to do. Leave school, get married. I was living up to expectations. And I was flattered that he was so hot to trot, if you must know.”

Oh, I knew what was coming. I scored another smoke and lit up, then Marcia did the same. She watched me, her eyes knowing.

“He told me about the mole,” I admitted.

“Yeah. There was a rude awakening. He was still crazy for you. I was so angry. I felt so cheated. I lied and lied and lied, because I thought he deserved it. And I was afraid not only that tossing him back would make everyone angry with me, but that you might snap him up after all.”

“That wasn’t going to happen.”

“No. Not only did you hide out, but when you came back, you blew him off. Then I wondered what the hell was wrong with him. Then everyone expected kids from us, so I had to have kids, as if that would solve everything.” Marcia laughed and shook her head, blowing smoke in patterns. “Maralys, I have spent my whole life being so fucked up. I can’t even believe it.”

“So, what’s changed?”

“Thank you very much,” she retorted and we laughed together. Yeah, we’re sisters still, down there deep. You just have to poke us hard with a stick to get us to admit it.

She ground out her butt in the sink. “I met this guy last year and I knew he was all talk, but his talk was all for me. And I went for it. I was so low that it seemed I couldn’t make things any worse. And you know, I wanted to do something bad for a change. I wanted to be naughty. I wanted to find out what I wanted, instead of just wanting what everyone told me that I wanted. So I slept with him. And I asked for a divorce. When James wouldn’t give me one, I tried to get even.”

“By spending as much money as you could.”

“Yes.” She took a deep breath. “And then I ran away with my lover to New Mexico.”

“Where is he? What’s his name?”

“It doesn’t matter. I realized just after we got there that I didn’t want him. It wasn’t him, it was escape. It was the chance to be bad.”

“Trust me, it’s over-rated.”

“I needed the chance to make a mistake, Maralys. Look at me! I’m thirty-eight years old and I have no idea what I want from life. I’ve lived the whole thing like a robot, always doing what I’m supposed to do next. Never questioning it. Never insisting on what I want. Hell, I don’t even know what I want.” She paused and studied me. “Except that I want to find out what it is.”

“Where does that leave your family?”

Marcia smiled. “It leaves James pretty much where he was when we started. And the boys, well, they’re big enough that they don’t need me around all the time. Maybe it’s better for them that I’m happy, or at least vital, instead of the household doom and gloom committee.”

“Did you really want to stay home with them?”

“Hell yes! I wanted the classic set-up. I didn’t want to work. I wanted the easy way out. It was a shame that it took so long for me to get pregnant, but not doing it with your husband very often can affect that, I hear.” Marcia sighed. “I wanted what Mom told us we should want. I wanted to not have to work as hard as she had, and I wanted it because she said she wanted it for me.”

We stared at each other for a long moment and suddenly I had to know. “Do you dream of her?”

“All the time.” Marcia swallowed. “She’s in our kitchen, washing dishes and cleaning up. She’s dressed like something out of a 50’s fashion spread in red and white, even wearing little gloves with red bows on the back and a hat with a bit of netting. Dressed for church even though she’s doing housework. The kitchen literally sparkles. I had this dream over and over again.”

She looked at me, hard, as if she expected me to challenge her on this. “And then, last summer, the ending of the dream changed. Mom opened the window over the sink, looked over her shoulder and winked at me, even though I didn’t think I was actually there. Then she lifted her arms and flew out the window. I ran and looked, but there was only a bird flying higher and higher, disappearing into the sky.” She sighed. “I knew that I had to leave then. And so I did.”

Marcia cleared her throat and rummaged for another butt. “I’ve been taking some dream interpretation classes, in Santa Fe, and...”

I lifted one hand. “Don’t tell me. I like the understanding I have of your dream right now.”

“Do you dream about Mom?”

I smiled. “Yes. She kicked my ass into the labyrinth.”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter. She was right. She really did know what was best for me, just as I think she did for you. What are you going to do now?”

Marcia drew heavily on the cigarette. “Well, James and I have made our deal. I haven’t got much in my wallet, but I figure I rode on his dime for a long, long time. It’s partly my fault that there’s not much there anymore. I’m going to go back west. I like it there. I like how new and fresh it is, and how people can shape their own expectations. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m going to find out what I really want.”

I nodded, understanding better now what had driven my sister to make the choices she had.

“I’m sorry, Maralys,” she said softly. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I forced a smile.

Her answering smile was just as uncertain. “I’m scared, Maralys. I think sometimes that I’m too old for this.”

“You’re never too old to go after what you want.” I made another one of those impulsive offers that keep drawing me deeper into the net. “You can call me if you need advice.”