Doublecrossed (33 page)

“This is kinda weird, isn’t it?”

Regan emerged from her reverie, blinking. “What?”

“It’s kinda weird lying in bed on such a beautiful day. I don’t take naps very often, and when I do, I never take my clothes off.” Rolling onto her back she reached behind herself to fluff her pillow.

“We’re on vacation. We’re paying for the bed, so we might as well use it.”

“Good point. I’m helping you get your money’s worth.” She grinned, looking like a teenager who was getting away with something.

Regan didn’t reply. She just closed her eyes and tried to lull herself to sleep by breathing slowly and deeply. Having Callie right next to her got under her skin like a mite. She itched from the closeness and finally had to open her eyes and think. But looking at Callie’s unguarded face was anathema to rational thought. At least those perceptive eyes weren’t staring back. That made it hard to think clearly under any circumstance. It was impossible to let this opportunity pass by. If Callie’s feelings had changed—if the past six months had allowed her love to die—Regan might never have the chance to lie by her again. Once the issue was on the table again it would be impossible to go back to their easy familiarity. So she took her in fully, as though it was the final time. The sun showed the red undertones in Callie’s brows and lashes, something one never saw indoors. Her skin was absolutely luminous. It was almost alabaster along her neck and the underside of the arm tossed casually over her head. But then it turned the palest pink upon her cheeks, and a darker, more sensuous pink on her full, beautifully shaped mouth.

Callie’s eyes moved rapidly under her lids, and she twitched slightly from a dream. Then, as her body moved under the covers a gentle smile formed. It was mesmerizing. One dimple peeked out, showing a shallow parentheses of skin bracketing it. It was those dimples that had first caught and held Regan’s attention when they’d met in the Bahamas. Now, one dimple was back to remind her of how far they’d come, and how she longed for more. Much, much more.

For nearly a half hour Regan lay there in silence, conjuring dreams of their future together. She flinched when one hazy eye peeked at her, then Callie rolled onto her side and scrunched her face up like a baby’s. “Hi,” she said, her voice a little raspy. “Did you sleep?”

“Not really. I was just lying here thinking.”

Callie took her pillow and doubled it over, propping her head up a few more inches. “You look very serious.” She squinted, as if she could see inside Regan’s head if she tried hard enough. “What’s going on?”

“Uhm.” It wasn’t too late to turn back, but it wouldn’t be any easier later. “I was thinking about how I handled things…last summer.”

Hazy eyes sharpened. “Last summer…when?”

“Uhm, when we were in Boston.”

“Yeah? What about Boston?”

She wasn’t going to make this easy. “When we…when I…”

“I know what you’re referring to, Regan. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Maybe she would make it a little easier. “Here’s what happened. I’d been feeling awful. Really awful. I’d never felt so unattractive, unappealing, and rejected in my life.”

Callie reached out and touched her arm, stroking it gently. “I understand.”

“Yeah, I know you do. So I was kinda ruined emotionally when this gorgeous woman came into my life. I reacted to her like any sane person would have. I kissed her and almost let her magnetism lead me to do something that I wasn’t ready for.”

“Let her?” Callie’s brow jumped up an inch.

“I didn’t say that right. I was the one who wanted to be with her. I wanted it so badly.”

“But..?”

“I was still too wrapped up in Angela and in how I felt about myself to be able to really open myself up. So I closed down. Really fast. Really tight.”

“That’s the truth. It was like a guillotine came down on your feelings.”

“That was a mistake. I should have realized that I was the problem. But nothing like that had ever happened to me and I didn’t realize how heartbreak could screw you up.”

“That makes sense, I guess.”

“I struggled with it for a couple of months. I was ridiculously into you, but I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. What kept me from grabbing you and running away together?”

Callie’s eyes blinked slowly, and it looked like she was on the verge of tears. Her voice was rough when she said, “I would have gone anywhere you wanted to go.”

“I know that.” A wave of shame flowed over her. Callie had done nothing to deserve such harsh treatment. “I was stupid. Or unaware. I took two plus two and came up with five.”

“And you said I was too screwed up for you to get involved with.”

Regan’s eyes closed again and she let regret burn in her heart. “That wasn’t what I believed though.”

“What was?”

“I don’t know. I was too confused to think straight. But I’m sure that’s what it sounded like.”

“That was exactly what it sounded like. And you never said it was something else. What was I supposed to think?”

“That was definitely the stupidest calculation I’ve ever made. There was zero truth in that. The problem was all in here.” She pointed at her heart. “It was still broken, but I didn’t know it.”

It looked like Callie was trying to stop herself from what she did next. She looked at her own hand reach out and settle atop Regan’s heart.

How could a touch so innocent make her feel like she would explode? “I was wrong to even think that you didn’t have self-esteem. But I was grasping for straws trying to figure out why I was afraid to be with you.” She put her hand over Callie’s and the warmth of her skin raced directly to her heart. “I’m not a judgmental person. But I tried to make myself believe you were…I don’t know…not who you seemed? I guess I had to make myself believe you were flawed so it made sense that I was backing away.”

“When did this get clear in your head?”

“I’ve known something was wrong for a couple of months. Nothing was making any sense. But it wasn’t until I talked to Delaney that everything clicked into place. The day after we talked, I felt like a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders. And the day I saw Angela, I knew she’d been the stumbling block.”

“You saw Angela? Good lord! On purpose?”

“Yeah. The day I tried to go on your date with you.” It had been a week, but she was still mortified.

Callie chuckled softly. “That was seriously weird. I thought you’d been drinking.”

“No. I just wanted to be with you. It didn’t matter that some other woman had gotten there first.” She smacked her face with her open hand. “Love can make you act like an idiot.”

“Love?” Callie reached up and tucked a few strands of hair behind Regan’s ear. That gentle touch nearly burned as every nerve rushed to that centimeter of skin. She barely heard Callie say, “Tell me about Angela.”

Coming back to her senses, Regan said, “I walked over by our old house. She was outside puttering in her little garden.” She took in a heavy breath. “It was hard to see her. But after watching her for a few minutes, I felt the last little bit of ice melt in my heart. I could feel the final bit of her hold on me loosen. Then it floated away.” She blinked a few times, still feeling puzzled. “It sounds funny, but I could almost see it. By the time I walked away I was over her.”

“That seems…sudden.” Callie shook her head. “No, not sudden, but…it’s hard to imagine your feelings just leaving in a rush like that.”

“Not to me. That’s kinda how I am.”

“Unfathomable?” Callie asked, smiling again.

“Yeah. Kinda. Even to myself. I bumble along, knowing there’s something wrong, then it snaps together. Once it does that, I can look back and see how I got there.”

“So you’re positive you’re over Angela.”

“Yes. I’m positive.”

Callie’s hand closed around Regan’s bicep, and she looked into her eyes. “What does that mean?”

“That means I can finally let myself tell you how much I love you.”

“And…”

“And that I want to be with you.” The rest was easy. The feelings had been there for months. The words just had to explain them. “I love you and I want to be together.” She reached out and grasped Callie’s shoulder to try to pull her close. But Callie blocked her hand and leaned back, away from the touch.

“You said some harsh things. I have to know that you don’t think my morals are weak. If you think I’m inferior to you—”

“No! I swear I don’t think that.”

Callie looked like she was going to cry. “What do you think? You aren’t the kind of person to speak without thinking. Remember you took an extra day to come back and tell me I had no self-esteem.”

“I know I did. And I did think it over before I said it.” This was the most important thing she’d ever have to explain. Her whole future depended on doing this right. “I’ll admit it took me a long time to get over your being in an open relationship.”

“Get over?” Callie said frostily.

“Get over my negative feelings about it. I know it’s none of my business, but if I have bad feelings about it that would hurt our relationship.” She looked up and saw Callie glaring at her. “It’s true, and you know it.”

“Fine. It’s none of your business, but if it bothers you it matters.”

“Right. So I really worked on myself, and over time I finally came to believe that there wasn’t anything immoral or illegal about it, and if it worked for you…”

“It was none of your business,” Callie said, grinning slyly.

“Yeah, something like that. But I’ve gotta tell you, if I’d known you weren’t trying to build a life with Marina, I would have gotten over it a lot sooner.”

“Then I’m glad I didn’t tell you.” Callie’s haughty smile was both adorable and infuriating.

“Thanks!”

“I mean it. Marina will always be a part of my past. It’s much better to have worked that through on your own. But what about my lack of self-esteem?”

Regan laughed, her shoulders shaking from the effort. “I don’t know what I was thinking. You’ve got tons of self-esteem. I must have just been thinking of excuses to explain why I couldn’t make a play for you.”

“So you’ve worked out all of your bad feelings about my checkered past?”

“Not all of them.” Her smile disappeared. “You were playing around and seeing what would happen with Marina. But that was like playing with a loaded gun. It went off and I got wounded.”

Callie closed her eyes. “I know you never would have had your heart broken if Marina hadn’t met Angela. But don’t forget they worked together before she met me.”

“That’s not it. This is hard for me to say, but I don’t want to have any secrets from you.”

“I don’t want that either.” She grasped Regan’s hands. “Tell me anything.”

“I think you made a very bad choice in being with Marina. I’m not talking about your relationship being open. I’m talking about her as a human being. Wasn’t there some part of you that knew she wasn’t a good person? Didn’t you doubt her?” Callie was so perceptive. And she hadn’t just learned that trait in the last year.

Callie’s eyes closed and she flopped onto her back, taking in long, slow breaths. “I didn’t trust her. That’s why I didn’t let myself get too emotionally involved.” Tears appeared in the corners of her eyes and traveled down her cheeks. “I couldn’t have stopped her from chasing Angela, but I was wrong to be involved with her.” She sniffled a little and reached out blindly with her hand. It settled onto Regan’s thigh and she squeezed it. “I shouldn’t have been with her, but if I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have met you.” She rolled over and braced herself with her arm. “I don’t like to admit this, but I can see why you’d doubt my morals. My mom used to tell me ‘Know me, know my friends.’ There’s some truth to that.”

“Yeah, there is. Why do you think you did it?”

“I’ve thought a lot about that in my therapy group. The only answer I’ve come up with is that she made me feel desired again.”

“That’s really it?”

“Partly. Rob made me distrust all men, so I was really open to being with a woman. Marina came along and swept me off my feet. She was really pretty and very much in demand. Her wanting me and flying to Phoenix a bunch of times to convince me made me want to take the chance.”

“Even though you had to agree to let her sleep with other women.”

“Yeah. I know it sounds stupid to you, but it felt more honest. She had a ridiculously high sex drive and she needed a release valve. Knowing that up front made me stupidly think I had some control.” She shook her head hard, like she was trying to knock a bad thought from it. “She said something like that at the end. That she had to lie to make me think I had control over her sex drive. Maybe she knew me better than I knew myself.”

“Would you do it again?”

Callie reached out and wrapped Regan in her arms. “I’m going to tell you the truth, even though you might try to run away.” She swallowed and said, “I probably would if I were in the same situation. But this time I’d make it clear we were just dating. And when I found myself tip-toeing around the apartment to avoid annoying her… That’s where my self-esteem was lacking.”

“You’re more sure of yourself now.”

“Yep. Part of it is that I’m finally over Rob. Plus, making myself look at my actions is really good for me. I don’t like it, but it’s good.”