Down 'N' Derby (11 page)

             
“PCH?” They said and if I didn’t know better they had a New Orleans accent.  But it had been a while since I was exposed to New Orleans accents so I didn’t want to assume. 

             
“Pacific Coast Highway, that long road next to the coast.”

             
“Oh, yeah, sorry.  Ok, what time,” he asked.  I looked towards the setting sun to estimate the time.  “Well, it’s about four now.  So, about seven?”

Reed

Chapter 19

Skates were made for days like these.

             
I heard the door open.  I scrambled to my feet taking a sleeping Oak with me, thinking it was Falcon.  It had to be.  He’d been gone for three days.

             
I rounded the corner to get a view of the living room and there in my doorway stood a splotchy faced Nellie, my skates dangling by their laces in her hands.  What in the hell had ever possessed me to give her a key to my house?  Her chin quivered but she looked pissed.  I would coddle a sad Nellie all day but a pissed off Nellie?  Yeah, where’s my shield? 

             
“I need some rink time.  You in?” She swung my skates back and forth and they entranced me, that along with the solace exhausting myself would buy me. 

             
“Hell yeah, let me change.” I ran into the bedroom, put Oak back in his cage, then grappled with a pair of shorts and a derby t-shirt.  I tangled with flip flops until they were in place and grabbed a pair of black socks and ran for it.  I didn’t even bother with my driver’s license, purse or anything.  I needed to skate my woes into the ground. 

             
She drove like a maniac and I totally pulled a Sylvia on her.  I stayed quiet until she spilled her guts.  And when she did, it came like a tsunami. 

             
“You know what pisses me off?” Pshh, like I would answer that.

             
“Huh?” That’s the only thing I could think of that wouldn’t set her off even more.  I didn’t want to be in the path of Hurricane Hellie for a single second.

             
“Owen thinks I can just say ‘Hey, I lost my baby.  No big deal.  Let’s jump in the freakin’ sack and make another one.’  Come on Owen, it’s not a spare key to the house.  You don’t just lose it and go to the hardware store and make another one.  Does he think I’m that heartless?  That another baby will just ‘BAM’ replace the one I lost? Jesus!”  She took the next corner like one of those rally drivers.

             
I opened my mouth to reply but she was already onto the next thing.  “And let’s be honest, having a baby wasn’t really the best idea right now anyway.  We are broke as a joke, the store is doing well but we’re not swimming in money or anything.  And we live in an apartment above a bookstore.  It wasn’t really an ideal situation.  And he just wants to step in and solve everything.  Well, I’m sorry.  I can’t be fixed.  I hurt, I’m depressed all the time and no shit, I’m scared that if I get pregnant again I might lose it too.  I’m not sure I could handle that.”

             
She went on her rant for another fifteen minutes until we reached the rink.  It was a weekday, so it was technically closed, but she had keys since we used it for practice.  After going in the back entrance we sat at little round orange tables and pulled on our skates in a frenzy like I’ve never seen.  We needed this.  We needed the freedom skating gave us here on the silent skating rink.  And we just simply needed an outlet to let out all of our frustration.  I hadn’t slept in three days so I craved the exhaustion that would buy me a night of rest.  And this is how I would get it. 

             
There were no jumps to learn, no falls to practice, no stops to perfect.  This was me and my friend skating our asses off for pure pleasure.  Nellie left the rink after about a hundred passes and put Korn on the loudspeakers.  She gave me the devil horn motion as she passed.  We didn’t talk.  We didn’t even acknowledge each other after that.  I checked the time a long, long while later and found it was midnight.  I slowed down and Nellie skated beside me. 

             
“You about done?” She said.  I nodded back to her and we trekked to the nearest sticky table and de-skated.  I twisted and turned my feet back into my flip flops and propped my skates up on my shoulder.  We drove home in silence and when she pulled in my driveway I saw his truck there but just didn’t have the energy to run into the house like I wanted. 

             
I walked in and slumped through the bedroom and turned on the bath water.  He was there, sitting on the bed but not knowing if he was still pissed or not made me hesitant to start any conversation.  I opened the dresser and shuffled through underwear and t-shirts until I found what I wanted—my comfiest t-shirt, underwear and an old pair of Falcon’s boxers.  I passed him coming out of the bathroom finding he’d added my favorite raspberry bubble bath to my water while I wasn’t looking.  But it didn’t mean anything.  He would be sweet to me even when he was angry. 

             
I walked out after my bath and he sat in my big purple chair, shoes off, cuffs rolled up and staring out the window.  He had his right hand on the Windsor knot of his tie, jerking it back and forth loosening it with every pull.  He finally loosened it to his satisfaction and leaned back in the chair without breaking his gaze from the window. 

             
I towel dried my hair, combed it out and brushed my teeth.  I snuck a peek into my bedroom, our bedroom, while still brushing and he’d taken the tie off and his shirt.  And for the first time, I could honestly say that I had mixed feelings about him staying.  I didn’t want him to get angry again.  And I didn’t want to get aggravated at his silly questions about whether or not I still wanted to get married.  I spit one last time in the sink and wiped my mouth and turned around to face the music.  He’d changed into his navy blue pajama pants but was back in the chair still locked on the window.

             
I knotted my hair up into a hairband and sat on the edge of the bed, facing him but pretended to be more interested in the hardwood floors beneath me. We stayed in those positions for what seemed like hours. 

             
“You’re not tired,” he asked without looking at me.  It made me feel like shit.  He always, always looked me directly in the eyes even when asking me if I wanted French fries or onion rings. 

             
“My body is.  But my brain won’t turn off.” I shrugged.  There was no point in lying.  I knew he could tell I hadn’t slept—plus Nellie had probably run her big mouth.

             
“I’m sorry.” He said and finally, finally looked at me.

             
“For what?”  It was an honest question.  Was he sorry for bolting on me in the middle of dinner?  Was he sorry for accusing me of not wanting to get married?  What exactly was he sorry for?

             
“For doubting us. I just added up these imaginary things in my head and they equaled you bailing on me.”

             
I made the first move.  I was fed up with keeping score.  Who cares who moved first, who talked first?  This wasn’t a game and I didn’t want to play it like one.  I sat cross-legged in front of him on the ottoman and put my hands on his knees.

             
“So you number crunched me and came up with the wrong answer.   I’m so ashamed of you.  My man would never get that simple math wrong.”

             
That made him crack a smile.  He covered my hands with his own and ran them up and down my fingers.  I could feel myself instantly letting go of everything I’d been holding onto.  Like I was a dishrag twisted up and left to stay that way, until he came to free me, almost giving me permission to let go.  I let my head fall against his lap and relented to his touch completely. 

             
“You feel better after tonight?” He asked and I sat up abruptly.

             
“You put her up to that?” He chuckled and shook his head ‘No’ at me.

             
“No, that was her.  But I gave her the idea.  She was bawling about Owen at the store but it was pissed off crying, not sad crying.”  I smiled at rested my head on his knee again.  “You two, I swear.  I can’t do anything without y’all knowing.”

             
“Other than you, she’s my best friend Reed.  It’s just natural for me to tell her everything and for me to tell her everything.  That’s what friends do.”

             
I stared at him for a while.  He would probably regret those words when he found out that I was actually practicing what he preached.  I was keeping Maddox’s whereabouts secret because he asked me to. 

             
“What if she asked you to keep something from me?” It came out of my mouth before I could stop it.

             
“I guess it would depend.” He shrugged like it was no big deal.  He had no idea.

             
“I’m exhausted all the sudden.”  He started stroking my hair with his other hand and I could’ve slept there instantly.

             
“You skated for a while.  I’ve been here for hours.”

             
“It’s not the skating Falcon.  It’s all of this.  I don’t even care about my body being tired.  It’s like…It’s like my soul is tired.”

             
He moved to the edge of the chair, jolting me up from my comfortable place. I looked him directly in the eyes.  I could just tell he was going to say something profound, a Falconism for sure.

             
“I’m so sorry, Reed. I just got frustrated and aggravated and everything in between. I lost sight of us. Let me be your resting place.  Crawl into my soul and sleep until yours is healed. You’re mine to shelter.  You’re mine to protect and I’ve been slacking off.  And wedding or not, in all ways but one, I’m your husband.  Start trusting me like I am—please.”

             
That caught me off guard.  I didn’t ever think he’d almost demand that I tell him.  But he and I were more important than breakable friend bonds.  Not that my bonds of friendship with Maddox weren’t important, but this was Falcon.  He would share more with me in a day than Maddox ever would in a lifetime and I needed to remember that. 

             
“Ok, I will tell you everything.” I finally relented and just that simple act took one layer of weight off of my chest.  He stood up and carried me the short distance to our bed and we settled in together before he nodded for me to continue.

             
“I’ve been talking to Maddox,” I thought this very sentence would send him running or punching, I didn’t know which.  But instead I felt like such an ass for underestimating him.  He chuckled a little and shrugged, “I figured that.  Is he ok?”

             
I shot upright on my knees with hands on my hips, “What do you mean you figured?  You figured?  I’ve been carrying this shit around for weeks and you figured?  Ugh…..” I threw myself back down on the bed, bouncing us both out of place. I ranted and raved into the pillow and somehow he managed to understand me or pretend he did. 

             
“I was so scared,” the tears now ran down my face.

             
He shot me an incredulous look.  “Of what?”

             
“I thought you would hate me after you found out that I’d been talking to him.”  He turned me to face him and pulled me as close as he could next to him. 

             
“Number one, I just figured it out this morning.  I was convinced you…”  He trailed off and I had to prompt him to continue.

             
“What?”  I couldn’t imagine what he had convinced himself of, there was just no telling with my broody guy.

             
“I’m so ashamed to admit this.  But I thought maybe you’d found someone else.  You were distant.  You wouldn’t let me touch you. Of course, we solved that issue.  You were taking all these ‘in the middle of the night’ phone calls.” I gasped at that admittance. 

             
How he could ever doubt my love and faithfulness to him was crushing and angering but I could see his point.  If I were in the same situation, I would probably come to the same conclusion.  But it still hurt. It stung and it burned.

             
“And now?”  I needed to know what conclusion he’d come to.

             
“This morning I listened to one of your old voice mails.  It was one you left while you were alone one night while I was working late. I remembered that after I got that voicemail I immediately came home.  You said you thought you had always loved me, you just didn’t know me yet. There was nothing but truth in your voice.  It made me feel like an idiot.  And then Nellie called me and I told her the whole thing.  Right in the middle of the conversation, it hit me.  I told her everything—everything.  And that’s when I knew who you were talking to on the phone and why you were distant.  You were talking to Maddox. And at first I was pissed.  But if he has you to talk to then I’m fine.  I couldn’t think of a better person for him to have.”