Down to the Bone (21 page)

I cross my left leg over my right and tap my thighs. I don’t look at his face and don’t know what to say so I blurt, “Your hair’s starting to look beautiful.”

“Be careful,” he jokes. “You might start developing a weakness for me.” He uses his hand as if it were a mirror. He stares into it and fixes his hair with his free hand. “Being genderqueer gives me the license to act like any gender I wish from time to time, whenever it fancies me and I can use it to my advantage. Maybe if I stop binding now and then and grew my hair a little longer, you’d like me better, eh?”

I’m touched by his ability to change into someone he thinks I might like, but this isn’t the time for that.

I tap my foot on the floor: tippy-tap, tippy-tip. I uncross my leg and place my hands over my thighs in silence.

His eyes widen. “Hey. I’ve got a perplexing idea. What if you make me up like a girl, and I turn you into a guy, just for amusement purposes?”

Woah. He wants me to see he can transform into whatever I’d like. He gets I’m attracted to girls, not guys. This might keep his thoughts away from wanting to find ways to be with me. And, it might also contain his twirling tongue action away from my mouth. I can’t deny I enjoy kissing him, but we must put a stop to it.

He lowers his brow. “You’ll look like a drag king and I’ll become a drag queen.” He sticks two of Viva’s velvet cushions up his shirt; it makes his chest look as if he’s got two big balloon boobs. “I’m Booboola Anderson’s confused grandchild, perplexed and baffled by my desire to mystify others with my knockers. Do you like me better now?”

“Absolutely! Come on, Tazeroni Spazeroni. Let’s change clothes.” I goof around and the tension flies out of me. “You can be Tazmina Mandarina and I’ll call myself Sholo.” I recall the time when some of my dreams were filled with abandoned outdoor markets where I’d walk around pinching, smelling and checking the fruit, alone, feeling lonely. Suddenly, boys and girls appeared. Boys were so busy with pretty girls they never even said hello. I’d look across the way and there were guys with arms draped around girls. I’d see the boy I liked but he kept getting farther and farther away. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe anyone’s so into me.

Before he can say, “I’m not wearing your miniskirt,” I’ve changed into his clothes and he’s got on my skirt and tiny stretch tank top. I’ve tucked my hair inside a baseball cap I found in Soli’s closet and stuck a plantain inside my pants. We scrutinize ourselves in the mirror. “You’ll never look like a boy, even while packing a colossal one.”

“And you,” I put on a gruff, thick male voice and exaggerate my tone. “You look like a sea wave, exquisitely clear, crashing into a new direction.”

“Oh, my love. This takes so much nerve and bravery,” he confides in an over-the-top dramatic way, in a contrived girly voice, with the palm of his hand over his heart. “I’m providing you with a raw glimpse into my romantic, private life. I’ll bend, playact, wear anything and do everything you want. I’ll even articulate my deepest love for you in my sweetest voice. I love you with all that I am, and more.”

“I know, my precious. You’re being so bold, transparent and self-revealing, for me, so I can get to know the many faces and facets of you.”

I rush to Soli’s organic makeup bag I gave her for her birthday before Tazer decides to start doing the tongue swirl with me again, and come back with all sorts of eye makeup, blushes and lipstick. I corner him against the end of the coffee table and layer his face with white powder. “I’m going to make you look like a geisha.”

I want to see what Tazer would look like as a Japanese girl. Not that I want him to alter who he is, or that it’ll change my mind about what I’m about to do with my life. And besides, I
hate
makeup. But sometimes flipping what society feels you should be like because it’s not who you are and it doesn’t feel right, can be freeing. Playacting is fun, it allows you get out of your own shadow; it makes you look outside yourself for a glimpse of an entirely new world and not take yourself so seriously, even if just for a few minutes. At the end of it all, I’d prefer Tazer as a guy for sure!

I can understand why he’s a playwright and why so many people have a passion for acting.

Once his face and neck are ghostly white, I go to his eyes. I brush gold powder on his lids before outlining his eyes in black slants. “You’re starting to look like a
real
girl. Shit. Now you’ll have butches after your butt!”

“Are you getting a hard on?” He grabs my banana and I leap up.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to let go and have a blast like this.

If you’re caught between two worlds, exposing fragments of yourself can be rewarding if it doesn’t intimidate you. Some people are threatened if they can’t be themselves for one instant, and that’s okay. It amazes me Tazer isn’t like that, and it makes me like him more.

I place fake eyelashes on him as he blinks up a storm. I put mascara on his lashes and before you know it, I paint his lips bright cherry red.

I walk him to the nearest mirror. He flaps his eyelashes, grins and turns to me. “Am I good enough for you now?” He leans into me, grabs my face with both hands, kisses my lips, and goes into that wild tongue action motion that’s smooth and soft but passionate. I start to melt and love the way his slippery tongue feels in my mouth. But I’ve got to stop this. It’s just so delicious. I need to concentrate on what I’ve got to do.
Focus, Shai. What are you doing?

Soli walks indoors and surprises us. “Hell yeah! You guys look amazing!” She sticks her hand into my pants, takes out the ripe plantain, peels it and takes a bite out of it. “Tazer, man, you look like a real girl. That’s wild.” She turns to me. “You look cute, but still femmy. But hey, don’t mind me. Keep struttin’ your stuff. I’m out of here.”

She makes a U-turn but Tazer grabs her by the arm. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got to get going anyways. I should have already picked my dad up at the airport. He might throw a party when he sees my girly makeover. I’ll tell him to not get his hopes high, that it’s only a momentary lapse of good judgment and I’m being a drag queen, not a genetic girl.”

He presses his lips against mine for a pop kiss. “I’ll call you tonight.” Soli slaps him a high-five, and Tazer rushes out the front door.

Soli gently smacks my face. “He’s a hunk as a guy, and a striking girl.”

“Drag queen,” I correct her.

“Whatever. You’ve got the best of both worlds. Unbelievable. Was kissing Tazer better when he’s playing a girl? Huh, huh? Was it?”

“It was exactly the same. His kissing definitely makes me feel like crawling the walls, but I can’t see my life with him right now.” I wipe my mouth clean from the lipstick with the back of my hand and slide the visor part of the cap toward the back of my head. “You’d think I was a hornball like you at the rate
I’m
going.” I would never have thought I’d kiss a guy and then a boi, all in the same week. I’m just not the type to be carousing.

“Will you give him a chance? I know he’ll be into being a girl for you.”

“I wouldn’t want anyone to not be themselves for me, ever. This was just a game. He’s my type as Tazer, because of who he is as a person, but I don’t want to be with anyone who’s sexual, like you, not romantic and sensual.” I’m making up a million excuses, but nothing will veer me from what I need to do.

Tazer is the type who grabs you and kisses you and throws you on the bed. Feminine gay girls can act assertive too—it doesn’t take a butch girl, trans or boi for that type of behavior. But I like equal partnership, where nobody takes roles and you and the person you’re with are free to do what moves you. Tazer’s aggressiveness toward me, though, lets me know he’s into wanting me to be submissive, unless, of course, we’re playacting. That just doesn’t fly with me. I need to be free to be what I want whenever I wish.

Soli squeezes my cheeks together, making my lips puff out like a fish. “Sissy stuff, that making love thing. You need a
real
lesbian, or someone like Tazer, Shyly, to show you how gay you really are. With Tazer, you’ve got it all: a boi who’s still a girl underneath. You just have to keep giving him more chances. I bet he’s super hot in bed.”

Soli’s starting to irk me. She won’t leave it alone. It’s time to tell her my decision.

“I’m sorry to say I’m forgetting about girls and anyone who was born female and still remotely resembles a girl underneath it all; it’s just a big hassle that’ll destroy my life even more. Tazer and London both kiss about the same, but only one of them won’t bring me heartache. Can you imagine explaining to my mom that Tazer
is
a boy? She’ll die. The hiding will be worse than it was with Marlena. No thanks. I’m sticking with the one that will free up my life of trouble.”

Soli stares at me with her mouth wide open. “You’re
not
giving Tazer a chance?”

“Nope. I’m going out with London till I fall for him. I need peace in my life. I’ve got to get my family back.”

At this point, I don’t care if I live a life of loneliness. I’ll never resent having changed for Pedri. He’s worth it. I’ve spent the majority of my nights, before getting to sleep, writing in my journal, crying, sketching and trying with all my might to feel better. I still have fun at work and with Soli and even by myself, learning my schoolwork. But I’m sacrificing my true happiness. I won’t wait till Pedri turns eighteen. I have what it takes right now to bring peace and love back into my life

“Christ, Shyly. You know you like girls. You’re going to push those feelings away for a mom who threw you out of the house? You can’t give up on yourself. You’ve got to find the right girl. I get it that Tazer doesn’t do it for you. But there are a million girls-who-love-girls who will. Going out with London is stupid and unless you’re into him, a huge lie. You’re doing a Marlena just to please your mom.”

I don’t care what Soli thinks. No amount of coaxing will keep me involved with a girl or boi or bi or anyone Mami won’t accept. I must focus on Pedri and keep my priorities straight. Soli used to have a lot more sensibility and logic about her. True friends are supposed to be supportive. Suddenly, everything to Soli is about feelings and emotions and how it will affect one personally. Sometimes, life isn’t all about me, me, me or how
I
feel about this or that. There’s a bigger picture and Pedri needs me.

She keeps on and on about my dating girls. I’m not listening. I nod, but what I’m actually doing is looking outdoors from the corner of my eye.

Although it’s late, the sun is still streaming in, boiling the duplex. Everything looks bright, and I won’t allow Soli to keep me stuck in this bleak period. If I really mattered to her, she’d stop being in my face.

I rummage around the floor for my small sketchpad. I find it under the TV and start sketching galloping horses without looking at her. I want her to go away and stop the noise. Just when I know I’ve made the best decision of my life, Soli comes and stomps on it.

She keeps at it. “Forget about London. Go out with Tazer as just friends. You’ll meet girls you’ll like that way. He’s knows tons of smart and pretty lesbians and bi’s. I’ve cut the hair of a few of them and thought how much you’d love them. You’re just traumatized because of what happened at school and because the Betrayer screwed you up.” She repeats, “Hang with Tazer and his friends, till you find the right girl. He’ll understand. He’s got plenty girls after him. Let London do his thing with a
real
straight girl. I know you guys have been texting and you keep making excuses about why you won’t go out with him now. Just tell London the truth. It’s only fair to him.”

I throw the sketchpad and pencil on the floor. “The truth? The truth is that everyone should be left alone to decide what they want to do with their lives without someone hounding them. You’re beginning to sound like my mom who wants me one way. Didn’t you hear what I just said about not dating anyone of my same sex or anybody who’s different or looks gay? No one listens to me. When I told this to Tazer, he kissed me.” I place the palm of my hand in front of her face. “Stop already. I swear, I’d rather get an enema from a gorilla than keep listening.” I search the pile of CDs on the floor for something loud.

“You don’t have to get so testy, okay?” She tugs at her nose ring and calmly lays her head on my thigh, hands clasped behind her head.

I scrub my face with my hands and place the CDs on the floor. “I just need to be left alone so I can figure out my life. I know you care about me, and you’re trying to help. But I must make my own decisions, regardless of the consequences, all right?”

She stands and stares down at me with fists on her waist. “You’ve changed. You’re suddenly becoming the
biggest
liar. Lying to others about you and Marlena was okay because she would have been disowned. But lying to yourself and to a guy? And you never used to get so pissed at me for any little thing.”

I look up at her. “You’re nuts.”

She peels a piece of cracked polish off her fingernail. “You’ve never had such a strong personality. What’s happened to you?” The peel drops on the tip of my big toe and I leave it there. “You used to be the most fun girl alive. You listened to everything I said. You’re a different person since Marlena left you.”

My frustration is mounting. Soli should get how hard it is to be caught up in something irrational for my own good. I need to stay on course without any interference. She’s pointing her finger at me as if I’m about to commit a crime. So
what
if I’m manipulating my own life to shape my mom’s opinion of me? I must get rid of “my true self” and never, ever, give her a chance to emerge again.

It would be great to get a little support and sympathy right now from Soli, since I’ll be losing so much. I mean, who chooses to kill herself? Doesn’t she see I need to be in denial? Why is she forcing me to feel guilty before I embark on a new life that’ll eliminate all my pain and sorrow, forever?

Her words insult me. In a heartbeat, I spring up. We’re
this
close, facing one another.