Dr. Carbles Is Losing His Marbles!

1
Squanto and Pocahontas

2
Turkeys Are Weird

3
Meet the New Boss

4
Dr. Carbles Is a Meanie

5
Being Frank

6
Dr. Carbles Is Watching You

7
The Truth About Dr. Carbles

8
Far-out, Man!

9
How to Drive Grown-ups Crazy

10
The Torture Room

11
The Big Skate-off

12
You Can Rent Anything

About the Author and the Illustrator

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

Do you know what the only good part of school is? The
end
of it, at three o'clock, when we get to go home!

But at the end of school this one day in November, we weren't allowed to go home at three. The school secretary, Mrs. Patty,
made an announcement that everybody had to go to the all-purpose room. (That's a room we use for all purposes, so it has the perfect name.)

Bummer in the summer!

So we were sitting there, bored out of our minds, when suddenly two American Indians came running down the aisle! They were wearing feathers and head-dresses. They jumped onto the stage, whooping and hollering.

But they couldn't fool us. We knew exactly who they were.

“It's Mrs. Roopy!” yelled my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes. Mrs. Roopy is our librarian.

“And Mr. Klutz!” yelled my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food. Mr. Klutz is our principal, and he has no hair.

“Klutz?” said Mr. Klutz. “Never heard of him. I am Squanto, a Patuxet Indian who helped the Pilgrims survive their first years in America.”

“And I am Pocahontas,” said Mrs. Roopy. “I helped the English colonists when they arrived in Virginia in 1607.”

Mrs. Roopy always dresses up like somebody else. She never admits she's the librarian.

Mrs. Roopy is loopy.

“Thanksgiving is coming up,” said Mr.
Klutz. “To celebrate, we want to introduce you to a friend of ours.”

They went behind the curtain, and you'll never believe in a million hundred years who they brought out onstage with them.

I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

It was a turkey! They brought a turkey right out onstage!

Now, I've seen plenty of dead turkeys in sandwiches, but I've never seen a live one before. This turkey was dressed like a Pilgrim, with a little bonnet and dress. It was hilarious. All the kids went nuts.

“Gobble, gobble,” said the turkey.

“Where do you think Mr. Klutz got a turkey?” asked Neil Crouch, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

“Maybe he rented it,” said Michael. “You can rent anything. There's
probably a place called Rent-a-Turkey.”

“For my birthday party, my parents rented a lady dressed like a clown,” said Ryan. “If you can rent a lady dressed like a clown, then you can probably rent a turkey dressed like a lady.”

“For
my
birthday party, my parents rented a pony,” said this annoying girl with curly brown hair named Andrea Young. “We all got pony rides.”

Why can't a pony fall on her head?

Mr. Klutz had his arms wrapped around the turkey so she couldn't escape. She didn't look very happy.

“This is our friend Gobbles,” said Mrs. Roopy. “She's going to help us get into
the spirit of Thanksgiving.”

Everybody yelled “HELLO” to Gobbles.

“Gobble, gobble,” said Gobbles, flapping her wings. Mr. Klutz was having a hard time holding on to her.

“Isn't Gobbles cute?” asked Andrea.

“No,” I said.

What is her problem? Turkeys aren't
cute
. Penguins are cute. Turkeys are ugly. If they were cute, we wouldn't eat them. You don't see anybody eating penguins, do you? Besides, if Andrea thinks something is cute, then I don't.

“Gobble, gobble,” said Gobbles again. She was really flapping her wings hard now.

Turkeys are weird. They can't fly. What's
the point of being a bird if you can't fly? That would be like being a fish that can't swim. Gobbles was probably upset because Thanksgiving was coming. If I was a turkey, I would hate Thanksgiving, too.

“I'll make a deal with you,” said Mr. Klutz, who is always making deals with us. “If each class creates a beautiful Thanksgiving display, I will get married to Gobbles.”

Wow! It would be cool to see Mr. Klutz marry a turkey. This was going to be even better than the time he kissed a pig on the lips.

Everybody was going crazy, cheering and stamping their feet. Gobbles didn't seem to like all that noise. She started
gobbling really loud. Then she freaked out and broke away from Mr. Klutz!

Gobbles went running off the stage! She jumped into the front row, where the first graders sit! The first graders freaked out,
shrieking and crying and running away! Then
everybody
started freaking out!

“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid. “There's a wild turkey on the loose!”

All the kids were screaming and running and crashing into each other. You should have been there!

And you'll never believe who came into the all-purpose room at that very moment.

It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education!

I always thought Mr. Klutz was important, like he was the king of the school. But if Mr. Klutz is like the king of the school, then Dr. Carbles is like the king of the
world
. He probably sits on a throne and has servants fan him with big feathers. I saw that in a movie once.

“KLUTZ!” he hollered. “What's the meaning of this? Why is it that every time I come to this school, you're in some weird costume and the students are running around like lunatics?”

“It's just a little discipline problem, sir,” Mr. Klutz said as he chased Gobbles around. “I'm going to put Gobbles in
detention.”

“Don't you have any sense, Klutz?” shouted Dr. Carbles. “We have enough discipline problems with the children. Why would you bring a turkey to school?”

“To marry it,” somebody said.

That's when Gobbles went berserk. She crashed into Dr. Carbles and knocked him down!

“That's it, Klutz!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “You're FIRED!”