Driving With the Top Down (30 page)

And it was at that moment that the truth hit me full force.

There was no way for me to win. I’d already lost.

I’d lost before I even began to play.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Tamara

The weather was hideous. The rain was coming down so hard that, from her place hunkered down in the backseat, Tamara couldn’t see the road in front of them at all. She only hoped Colleen could, but she was scared. It wasn’t unfamiliar to Tam, this heart-pounding lack of control, but somehow this felt more dangerous than anything she’d ever done.

She also wasn’t used to caring so much whether she lived or died. God, how many reckless things had she done without a care for what happened to her? Or even what happened to her friends. That Tamara was starting to seem like a stranger.

Replaced, evidently, by this seat belt–clutching sissy girl.

Bitty must have shared the sentiment. “This is bad,” she said. “We should probably pull over.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” Colleen agreed, “but for the past twenty minutes, I’ve been looking for an off-ramp of some sort and we haven’t passed one. There must be one coming up soon.”

“What about the side of the road?” Bitty pointed to some cars that had already done that and put their hazard lights on.

“I’ve heard too many horror stories. Look how some of these trucks are blowing by. We do
not
want to get rammed by one of those jerks. Oh, look—is that a service road?”

Tam sat up and squinted but couldn’t see anything.

“It’s a turnoff of
some
sort. As long as we can get the trailer far enough off the road too, we should be okay.”

Colleen made the turn, and a large but low, neon sign greeted them with an announcement of
XXX
24
HOURS LIVE GIRLS.

“As opposed to what, dead girls?” Tamara asked.

“Great, now I’m poisoning a child’s mind.”

“It’s okay,” Tam said with a humorless laugh. “I’m not as naïve as you might think.”

“Oh, dear,” Colleen breathed. She inched the car forward through sloppy mud puddles until it was well onto the service road, then put it in park and sighed. “Think it’s going to let up soon?”

“I think we should build an ark,” Bitty said.

Tam laughed. She’d never been one for Sunday school, but even she got that reference.

They sat in silence for a moment, then Bitty said, “You know, I swear I keep feeling water drops falling on me.” She looked up and felt the roof. “Here.” She held her hand to a spot right over her head. “There’s a hole here.”

“I think there’s one back here too,” Tam said, remembering how she’d kept wondering how she was spilling her Coke when it was secured in the cup holder. “Just a small one.”

“This is the problem with convertibles in anything but great weather,” Colleen said. “They are muggy and cramped and unreliable. Come on, crew, let’s get in the trailer. At least there are snacks back there.” She opened the door, pulled her seat forward, and helped Tam out. Bitty got out the other side and they both slammed their doors and ran for the door to the trailer.

When they climbed in, it was incredibly dark and dank.

“There,” Colleen said in the darkness. “Isn’t that better?” She gave a dry laugh, opened the curtains, letting in the flashing neon glow of the sign, then said, “I’ve got some candles here somewhere. They were in that carved box I got at the auction in Florence.” She felt around. “Got ’em.” And started to set them on the little Formica table. “Now all we need is matches.” She frowned and looked around, then said, “Tam?”

“I—” Tam started uncertainly. “I think I have a lighter, hang on.” She dug around in her purse until she found it and handed it over to Colleen. As if lighting the candles herself would prove she knew how to use a lighter and
that
would be the damning thing.

As the glow bloomed before them, the trailer took on a pretty, albeit cramped, ambiance. Colleen took out a bag of trail mix and plopped it on the table. “Best I can do.”

“You have the Whipped,” Tam suggested.

“The what?”

“The Whipped.” She pointed. “That you got at that gas station on the way down.”

“Oh, yeah.” Colleen got up and brought the cans over to the table. She wrestled the plastic lid off one and squirted it into her mouth. “Not bad. Not bad at all.” She handed it over Bitty. “Try it.”

Bitty didn’t even question why this would be a good idea but opened her mouth and took some in. “Mmm. What is this?”

“Whipped cream and fifteen percent alcohol.”

“No
way
!” Bitty took another hit.

“Can I try it?” Tam asked. As if she hadn’t had it a hundred times before.

Colleen looked shamed, as if she’d been caught being rude. “I’m sorry, honey, it’s alcohol. Not that strong, but still. That would be irresponsible of me. But Bitty and I will put it away.”

“Like hell.” Bitty took another mouthful and said, “Let ’er ’ave some.” She swallowed. “Jeez, it’s not like
you
never drank when you were underage.”

“True,” Colleen conceded slowly, “but I’m supposed to be looking out for her best interests.”

“And it’s in her best interest to relax and have a little fun since we’re stuck here in the shadow of Ron Jeremy land.” Bitty handed Tam the bottle. “I’m making an executive decision. Go ahead.”

Tam looked at Colleen, who nodded her assent but turned her head slightly away. “I didn’t see.”

“No, because you were busy opening the hazelnut one.” Bitty gestured. “Get on it!”

Forty-five minutes later, Colleen had clearly lost track of her intention to keep track of Tam, and they’d gone all the way through the vanilla bottle, and the hazelnut one was starting to feel a bit light too. The rain continued to pelt down on the roof like pennies being hurled from heaven.

“Looks like we’re here for the night,” Bitty commented.

Colleen looked at her. “Because we’re drunk or because the Revenge of Noah is spilling out of the sky?”

“Well … both. Probably mostly the drunk thing.”

“Amen.”

Normally Tamara had a pretty high tolerance, but this stuff was getting to her too. She didn’t say anything, though. She didn’t want the small, rational part that remained in Colleen to come out and close up shop.

“Is anyone tired?” Colleen asked.

“Not me,” Bitty said.

Tam shook her head. “Me neither.”

Colleen looked at her watch. “It’s only nine
P.M
. This is going to be a really long night.”

“We could play a game?”

“I don’t see the opportunity for a lot of dares or anything,” said Bitty.

“Yeah, that and you always puss out when you get dared to do anything you don’t feel like doing.” Colleen rolled her eyes.

“No! Well,
yes,
but I was always being dared to do things like knock on a door in the boys’ dorm naked.”

Tam laughed. “Did you do it?”

“No, she didn’t,” said Colleen.

“But Colleen did.” Bitty fell back a little in laughter. “I couldn’t believe she really did it.”

“Yes, I did. I actually got a date out of that dare.”

“Yeah, no shit. You knock on a guy’s door naked, and he asked you out? Shocker!”

“Whatever!” Colleen tossed her hair. “Point is, what game would we play? I should have brought some kind of card game or something.”

They all thought for a second, until Tamara spoke up. “We could play Never Have I Ever again.”

“All right, I’m in. Who starts?” Colleen put a hand up.

“I’ll go,” said Tam. She racked her brain for a question that wasn’t boring, but wasn’t going to get her in trouble either. She wanted it to be good, though. She kind of liked hearing Colleen and Bitty’s stories. “Never Have I Ever … made out with a stranger.”

Colleen looked to Bitty, whose eyebrows had shot up, and who was avoiding eye contact. She put down her thumb and cleared her throat. “And moving on—”

“No, you have to tell her!”

“Tell me!”

“It wasn’t even a dare. I just … well, I felt someone standing behind me once at the bars and just leaned back and kissed him, thinking it was my boyfriend Blake … but it wasn’t. It was someone I didn’t know from Adam … but at least he was hot.”

“And a good kisser, you said.”

“Yes, but not as good as Blake.”

“Oh my god!” said Tam. “Was Blake pissed?”

“He thought it was hilarious! He watched the look on my face as I realized it wasn’t him. Apparently, I looked as horrified as I felt.”

“Your face was
bright
red. And that place was lit up by black lights, so it would have been impossible to tell if you had been a shade lighter than lobster Red.”

Bitty shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Yes, classy times.”

“Okay, Bitty, your turn.”

“Ha. Okay.” She tilted her head at Colleen. “Never have I ever gotten lost on Halloween, only to be found after two hours, dancing with a bunch of people dressed up like musical horns.”

“Oh my god, I didn’t
mean
to be lost!”

“Yes, you did! You stormed off all pissy,” Bitty said, and then looked to Tamara. “Word of advice: Never go out for Halloween in Fell’s Point in Baltimore and decide you’re angry over nothing, amble off dressed as Madonna, and get yourself lost.”

“The guy I was dating made some rude comment—”

“No, he didn’t!” Bitty squawked. “You admitted you misheard him.”

“Well, whatever. I
thought
he said something rude. So I stomped off. And. Yes. Got lost immediately. In a time before cell phones. And was not found until hours later. Maybe if my
friends
were a little nicer and found me sooner, I wouldn’t have had to accept the free shots from the Justice League, and start dancing with those horns.”

“She made a fool of herself. Lesson here, Tamara, is that drinking can make you unreasonable and get you lost. And give your best friend blackmail material, like a picture of you backing your butt up on a man in a trombone costume.”

Tamara smiled. She had dreaded this trip and been so mad that her father made her come, but now she was sitting here with two of the coolest betches she’d ever meet. She wished she’d known this Colleen, and not the Instagram-reporting one, a long time ago. It would have been nice to have her to go to with some of her problems.

Maybe it still wasn’t too late.…

“Okay,
my
turn.” Colleen put up her hand, now with four fingers.

A couple rounds passed, and the rain got harder. Tamara laughed at their old stories, at first, really enjoying them. Then becoming stupidly, childishly jealous of the fact that they had each other, and that at the end of the day, she still didn’t have someone to share all those best-friend experiences with.

Finally, running out of things, Tam shrugged and tossed out, “Never have I ever not found out the person I was dating until recently is really a cheating asshole.”

Both of the women looked at her.

“Vince cheated on you?” asked Colleen. Tamara found it nice she had taken the time to remember his name, but also felt like it was a waste. He was a waste.

“Yep.”

“I’m so sorry, honey.”

Bitty put down a finger.

“Wait, what?” said Tam.

Bitty spritzed a little more Whipped into her mouth and nodded slowly. “My husband cheated on me.”

Colleen said nothing.

“My turn, right?” asked Bitty. “Never have I ever been married to a straight man.”

Tamara’s eyes widened into half dollars, and Colleen went, “Whoa! What?”

Bitty nodded again. “Yep. Walked in on my husband with another man. We separated a year ago. Here I am today.”

“So when we ran into you at Henley’s—”

“I wasn’t in a good place. I was kind of on my last leg, I guess.” The look on her face confirmed it. “You know, I mean, I did what I’m supposed to do, you know? I tried to get back up on that horse and be
okay
. To just simply keep on living. I got a little apartment in town—well, a little outside of town. And I knew I’d lost my position as a leader there, but I still spent the next year doing my best to be part of coordination for events and gallery openings and all. It’s amazing how even a Race for the Cure can become a political thing in the society of a small place like that.”

“What happened then?” asked Tamara. “Were you sad or what?”

She took in a deep breath. “I was utterly alone. I had spent my entire adult life piecing together this life, and it was irrevocably shattered into dust. It wasn’t just that he cheated once with a pretty waitress or something. This was fundamental and not going away, no matter how I handled it. So. Yes. I felt hopeless, and once I was on my own, it was so much worse. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying all of this, especially in front of you, Tam.”

Contrary to how she might think, and maybe it was messed up, but all of this was kinda making Tamara feel better. “No, please. I’m not, like, gonna be weird. Just keep going. You need to talk about it.” She parroted the words her school guidance counselor had always told her.

Bitty gave a tight smile and went on, “I don’t mean to be a downer, but coming home to that small apartment, filled with almost nothing, and having nothing sentimental even to make it feel like home—well, it was miserable. And I didn’t want to leave. When I did, I was gossiped about and treated with superficial smiles I could almost
feel
vanish from their faces the second I turned my back. I couldn’t win. The only thing I could do was move away and start over. But I have no connection to anywhere. To any
one
anywhere. And to go out and date now is … Ugh.”

Colleen was watching her intently as she spoke, doing the Colleen thing: taking it all in, deciding how she felt, setting those feelings aside, and seeing how the sad person felt. Then reevaluating her own feelings on it.

“But you know what?” Bitty spoke to the two of them, but glanced at Tamara in the eyes before going on. “I was the most hopeless I have ever been in my life. I felt just about as awful as I believe a person can feel in my situation. And whatever stuff happened in between, I’m here now, on the other side of it. Glad I’m not with him. Glad I’m not dead. Glad I can move on.”