Drop Everything Now (17 page)

In the parking lot, I threw the truck into park and barreled up the stairs to Bryan’s place. I shoved the key in the lock and found him in the same injured position that I’d left him on the bed, chuckling at an old-school X-Men cartoon, one arm slung across his stomach and the other one resting at his side—like he was just waiting for me to come back so he could have me in his arms again.

This time, I didn’t even care about jostling the bed, and when I fell onto it next to him, he didn’t so much as wince. When my head hit his chest, all the sobs came. I emptied all the tears and hurt and heartache and confusion that had been building up inside of me into the cotton of his t-shirt. I was pretty sure there were a few good ounces of snot there along with a gallon of my tears, and I didn’t even care. This was the one safe place in the universe right now.

When I finished, he just rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head for a long time, murmuring “shhhh” every few seconds while my gasps died down.

“What is it, baby?” he finally murmured. Just the sound of him calling me that made me instantly feel about one hundred times better and completely safe. Completely understood. So I started by telling him everything. How I’d thought Mom needed me. How she definitely had at first but maybe she hadn’t for a while. I spilled all the signs of her improvement that I’d been missing—or refusing to see—for weeks. I told him about my realization that I was almost completely out of time before my dreams were completely lost and I never got a chance at the fellowship again. I confessed the guilt I felt at leaving Mom, even though I was pretty sure she didn’t really need me anymore.

“But you still have a chance to get back to Philly and do those stupid gen-eds, right?” he murmured into my hair, after I’d been quiet for a few long moments.

“If I leave, like, this weekend, I can be back there, do all the classes, and graduate almost like none of this ever happened. But…”

“But what?” Now Bryan’s breathing was shallow. Waiting.

I sat up and looked deep into his eyes. “But I don’t think I’m ready to go.”

“Why not?” he asked, his voice quiet, the breath of a whisper.

“Because of you. Because the only person who’s cared about me for the longest time was my Mom, and when she got in an accident, I thought I could take care of everything. But I couldn’t, and you were right there. And then we started…this. And now…”

The words were on the tip of my tongue.
I love you. Just say it, stupid. My stupid voice of doubt came on in my head. Absolutely nothing will change if you tell him that, except that it might be weird and your heart will be broken either way.

It was true. If he said he loved me too, I still had to leave. And if he said he didn’t, I would be miserable until I left. Even more miserable.

“I’m just not ready to leave you,” I finished lamely.

“But, Andi, there’s the phone, and you can come visit. You really have to go back. It’s your dream to graduate and to do that fellowship in D.C. Don’t think I’ve missed that.”

Yeah, this wasn’t going well at all.

The tears started again. Bryan’s face fell, and he sat straight up without wincing or even making a face. Obviously, he was feeling at least a little better. “Andi. No, no, I mean…I don’t want you to leave. I don’t. Obviously, I don’t want you to go. I’m having a lot of fun with you here.”

My lower lip trembled, threatening full-on waterworks in a second. This was the guy who I was just about to declare my love for, and he was telling me how much fucking fun he was having. “Well, that’s awesome, Bryan, but I didn’t come here for fun. I came here to take care of my mom and to keep earning enough money to support myself in two places while I did it. And now I think I really do have to go back. As much as I hate it.”

My thoughts flew to the tip envelope stashed in my bedside drawer. I still had almost $1,500 left in there, just enough to get a last-minute ticket back to Philly and a fridge full of groceries when I landed.

“Shit, Andi. That’s not what I meant. I want you to stay, okay? I do. I love having you around.”

I sniffled and tried to regain control of my frantic breaths. “I’m sorry. This is stupid. It just feels like everything is out of control, and ever since I got here, you made everything feel all right, you know? I know I have to go—and I want to, I really do—but I don’t want to. I know my emergency life wasn’t supposed to turn out better than my real life, the life I wanted, and it’s not. I miss my classes and working with the kids at the hospital and Philly. But I think I’ll miss you more than all of that stuff put together when I go back.”

I felt it, right then and there, hanging between us in the air, held up by the way our eyes burned into each other’s at right that moment. I knew that I loved him and that he loved me, too. But I couldn’t say it. Not unless…

“Come back with me,” I said, sitting straight up on the bed. “You have a real estate license. You can come and practice. I’ll find you a place out there just like you did for me! You wanted to quit the stripping anyway, right? You said you wanted to stop that, and what better chance is there?”

With every sentence, my voice got just a little bit louder and higher pitched. I knew I sounded crazy—knew it and didn’t care. This thing between me and Bryan felt so real and so right that my heart, swelling inside of me, told me nothing could go wrong with this plan. He couldn’t possibly say no.

Until he did.

Chapter 21

“Andi.”
His face fell, and he looked down at his hands, like his fingerprints were suddenly the most interesting thing in the whole world. “I can’t go. You know that. My brother… This is just a really bad time. If things were a little bit better…”

I stared at him blankly. My heart was numb. I couldn’t make an expression until his words registered, that the only thing keeping him here in Vegas was the same thing that had been pinning me here—taking care of someone he couldn’t possibly help any more. His brother.

Suddenly, all the circumstances of the last six weeks came falling perfectly into place like the crazy-shaped glowing bricks in a Tetris game. All the fucked-up, weird shapes of my life finally doing something right, for the first time in six weeks. For the first time in ever, maybe.

“My mom’s best friend,” I rushed out. “Carol. She’s a nurse at St. Christopher’s, and it’s a teaching hospital. They’re starting a rehab program—” Ryder closed his eyes and shook his head slowly, but I pressed on. “It’s for guys exactly like Chris. Exactly. Twenty-five- to twent-eight-year-olds with progressive addiction. Classic rehab program with an experimental treatment. And it’s completely free—state-funded.”

“Andi, I can’t. You don’t understand.”

Well, I had thought I understood pretty goddamn well. He was starting to piss me off. The solution to helping his brother was right in front of him, and he wouldn’t take it? It must have shown on my face because he rushed in, “I don’t want the state to know anything about him. I’ve been paying extra for rehab programs that will keep his history of selling drugs to fund drugs under the radar. But if Nevada is paying for his treatment, he could get into serious trouble that could come back to my mom. We had a damn close enough call with that co-signed loan. There’s no way I could hide his criminal activity.”

I knew what I wanted to say. That Bryan’s brother was a douche, and I didn’t take kindly to anyone who called me a “fuck buddy” within the first minute of meeting me. That Bryan’s mom would be okay. But even as I thought of saying those words, I thought of how I would feel if someone said them to me.

Pissed off.

What did I really know anyway? I’d only known Bryan for six weeks. I had no right to butt into his family problems.

So I collapsed back to his side, pushing my face into his shirt, smelling his warm, rich scent. Reminding myself that, at least for the next few days, I had him in my life.

He smoothed my hair back. “Listen, you’re upset. I don’t like it either.”

“Well, if you don’t like it, you should do something about it. Stop putting yourself second, Bryan. Quit choosing your brother over what you want out of life.”

“I’m trying, Andi, I swear. We’ll figure it out, okay? I’ll make enough to come out there to visit every month or so or fly you out here. It’ll be fine.”

Even that promise was more than I expected, even though I knew it was what I deserved. He deserved to be happy, too. “You will? You make enough for that?”

“Well,” he said, “I can’t leave my brother, but I can start holding him more accountable. That means putting real limits on bailing him out. If my girlfriend lives across the country, I won’t have as much extra cash to give him.”

A silly grin spread across my face. “Your girlfriend?”

“No one’s ever made me as happy as you have. Not a single other person in my life has ever been able to see past the outside—the football player, the money-maker, the lame-ass stripper—to see me. Except for you. You did that. If you’re not my girlfriend…well, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.”

I stretched my neck up to give him a gentle kiss. “You know, if it weren’t for that damn bag of peas, I would let you screw my brains out right now.”

He grinned between kisses. “So I take it that’s a yes? I can call you my girlfriend?”

“Yes,” I murmured. “But I might have to give you at least a little action.”

He chuckled sadly. “Can’t. Still not feeling well enough for that. Plus, I’ve got a surprise.”

“A surprise?” I asked softly, trailing my fingers up and down his biceps in a way I knew made him shiver.

“Yep,” he said, pulling my hand away from his arm. “Because you have to stop touching me like that. I’m already aching again. Go look in the fridge.”

“What? Why?”

He laughed. “Just do it!”

I hopped up off the bed, pulled open the refrigerator door, and gasped at what I saw. “You. Are. Shitting me.” Right in front of me was a gigantic hoagie wrapped in plastic, exactly the way I would buy it at Lee’s, and two Black Cherry Wishniak sodas. “Where did you get this?”

“I called in a favor with Rob,” he said, smirking like he was the slyest guy on the planet. “His cousin owns a couple restaurants around here and knows a guy from Philly who makes authentic hoagies. The cheesesteak would have been too hard for him to get here hot and on time—plus I’m morally opposed to Cheez Whiz—so a hoagie it is.”

I walked over to him slowly and leaned down for a long, languid kiss, sweeping my tongue against his lips for the barest of seconds. He closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. “Plus,” he said in that gravelly sexy voice, “I got these.” He picked up a box of TastyKakes from the floor next to the bed, and I started giggling. Uncontrollably. All of a sudden, I didn’t know whether I was happy or sad, closer to collapsing in laughter or crying.

“Oh, baby,” he said, pulling me close to him and kissing all over my face. “Come on, aren’t you starving? Let’s eat, okay?”

I nodded quietly, then went over to the counter to cut up the hoagie and put it on plates. I cracked open two sodas and returned to the bed. I’d just taken a couple bites of the sandwich, a couple swigs of the soda, and began to tell Bryan about all the stuff I’d take him around Philly to see when the same horrible pounding we’d heard the other rattled the door, and my heart stopped.

“What the fuck, man?” Bryan yelled.

This time, the voice on the other side of the door was pitiful, sobbing. “Ry. I’m sorry but I have to talk to you. I have to.”

Bryan hesitated, putting his hoagie down on a plate. I held my breath and stared at him, silently urging him to remember the conversation we’d had before.

“He scares me,” I whispered.

“Please, brother,” Chris said a few seconds later. “I don’t want to have to ask Mom. Not like this.”

Bryan ran his hand back through his hair and sighed heavily. “I won’t let anything happen to you, Andi. I promise.” Then, louder, to the door. “Be there in a second, man.”

I didn’t know if it was fear or denial or just plain disgust that froze me to my place on the bed. All I knew was that this wasn’t good—not at all.

Bryan walked slowly to the door, pulled it open, and took two steps back, walling off the small entranceway with his body. Chris barreled in and paced. His eyes were red, like he’d either had far too little sleep or far too much coke. I craned my neck to catch a glimpse of his face, focusing on his nostrils—raw and red. I’d never done drugs, but I knew enough to know what that meant. He’d just been using. That wasn’t all, though. His entire face was red and swelling; I could even see the dark shadow of a black eye blooming on the surface. His shirt was dirty and hanging sideways, and his hair stood on end.

“What the fuck happened to you?” Bryan spat. Even Bryan, so tolerant and patient of his brother’s bullshit when he was talking to me five minutes ago, looked pissed off now.

“I was just trying to make it right, man. Just trying to make it right.” He threw a glance over at me. “Is she still here?”

“Not ‘still’—she lives next door. Not important. What the hell is going on?”

Chris nodded, staring at me for a moment, then continued. “You gave me $500, but the guys wanted $1,500. And they wanted it last night. And these are not flexible guys, you know?” Chris laced his fingers together and cupped his hands on top of his head.

“I know.” Bryan’s voice fell. “So what did you do?”

“I got a hundred X with it. Just a hundred. Fifteen dollars a pill to the right sorority house and I’d have it covered, right?”

Bryan shook his head slowly. “But…”

“But I fucking dropped the pills, man. Like a goddamn idiot, I dropped them in the bar, and it was gone. Fucking GONE!” He slammed the wall with his palm, then spun around, clasping his hands to his head again. “I don’t know if those bitches stepped on it or someone stole it, but I couldn’t fucking find it.”

His voice broke.

My mouth just gaped in horror. I only knew a couple things for sure: Bryan was a good guy, and I loved him; and this was a situation I absolutely, positively could not be in the middle of. Didn’t want to be in the middle of.

Bryan’s head fell into his hands. “So how much do you owe now?”

“Another $1,500,” his brother said, staring at him with crazed eyes.

“I can get you a thousand. They just put in my paycheck today. I’ll do an extra shift to come up with my rent.”

A brief flash of pure, unadulterated rage swept over Chris’s face—wide eyes, flared nostrils, fists clenched tight—but then, it was like he completely regained control, of everything.

“How am I going to get the rest of the cash?” Chris asked quietly.

“You’re gonna have to deal with the guy you got the X from on your own, man. Tell him you’re still working on it and then work some extra hours or something.”

“Work hours?” Chris asked, his voice turning desperate.. “I lost that job, dude. Do you think I’d fucking be selling X if I had a real job?”

“What do you mean you lost your job?” Brian’s voice was quiet. Exhausted.

“They kicked me out. Smelled pot on me one day. I swear, I wasn’t smoking it. My friends were, Bryan, and they kicked me off the line. I got nothing.”

“What did I tell you about hanging around with those loser friends of yours?”

“They’re fucking not my friends anymore if it makes you feel any better.”

“Jesus, Chris…”

“Look, you’re not my dad, okay? We both know that ship sailed a long time ago. I didn’t come to you to hear you tell me what a loser I am. I already know. It’s just that I’m in trouble now.” He turned to me. “I’ve never asked him for this much before.”

I was too stunned to respond.

Bryan sighed and scratched at the back of his head. Finally, he said, “Okay, well, I only have a thousand. It’s gonna have to be okay for now. You’ll have to figure something out.”

Chris’s jaw clenched, and then he dropped his fists. “Fine,” he said. “But can we go get the cash now?”

“Yeah, man,” Bryan’s voice was quiet, resigned. “Go pull my truck around, and we’ll go now.”

Chris’ eyes flashed with something I didn’t recognize as he snatched Bryan’s keys off the counter, then banged out the door.

“Is that normal behavior?” I asked, my voice shaky. I fought to keep all the things I wanted to say inside until later, until Bryan was done dealing with this particular outburst and we could really, really talk.

“It’s not,” he said. “This is bad. But I swear I just have to get him out of this, and then…I don’t know. We’ll try to find another rehab place. I’ll pull extra hours and get him in. You were right, Andi. He needs something.”

I sat with Bryan in silence, waiting for him to speak first. This was definitely not the time to push him. Long minutes passed before the quiet broke – not with Bryan’s words, but with the squeal of tires against the road below.

That’s when I knew exactly what had happened.

“Holy shit,” I spat. “Holy shit, Bryan, he was in my apartment!

Bryan shot off the bed and to the door, pulling the string on his pajama pants tight, wincing as his bare feet slapped against the concrete outside.

Thirty feet below us, Chris’s dark shape was sat in the driver’s seat of the truck.

My heart hammered in my chest as I took the few quick steps into my place.

He’d completely ransacked it. My bags, clothing, and school books were tossed everywhere. My laptop was gone—it had been propped up on the bed. I clapped one hand to my mouth and the other to my stomach as my gaze trailed to the bedside drawer that held the Gideon’s Bible.

Exactly where I had stashed my tips for the last six weeks.

As if in slow motion, I stepped over my keys, which Chris had so helpfully left on the floor, to the drawer. The whole thing had been emptied, and beneath the overturned Bible, the pink envelope where I stashed my hard-earned fives, tens, and twenties for the last four weeks was torn in half and completely empty.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. So I just sank to the ground and wept.