Drowned (19 page)

Oh, now it becomes clear. He’s trying to pay me back for rescuing him that night he’d been hurt. It’s a nice gesture. So fair. So very like Tiam. I suppose it’s been killing him all these days being in my debt, with no way to repay me. “They’re not practical for me,” I say, very businesslike. “Give them to your bride.”

“Oh. Yes,” he says absently, beginning to chew on his thumbnail. There seems to be something he wants to say. I hold my breath, hoping we can share some tender moment, until I remember that he is focused only on our survival and nothing else. He doesn’t know what tenderness is. “I don’t feel like Star is my soulmate,” he mutters.

I roll over onto my elbow and stare at him. He had heard. He’d heard the story of Sleeping Beauty I’d told to the princess last night, when she’d climbed into my bed. “You...what?”

He shrugs. “If it is true that another person can hold the other half of my heart, then there is no question who that person is.”

My mouth opens, but it’s useless. My elbow gives way, and I have to catch my head from smashing against the floor. “What?”

“Well, you and I have always been together. You’re the one who stands next to me in formation. I know our spaces were assigned, but I swear to you, Coe, there is no one on the island I’d rather be next to. I always felt like it was the two of us, against everything and everyone else. And I’d thought you felt the same way. After all, you’re the one who came to my rescue. Not Star.” He shrugs, embarrassed. “I know. It was just a story. Forget I said anything.”

“But, no...” I say gently. I want him to continue. I don’t want to scare him away.

“No. I’m marrying Star. I gave my word. I shouldn’t do this.” He clenches his fists and places them solidly against his thighs. Then his face hardens, and he becomes Tiam the Survivor once again, leaving me to believe the past few moments of conversation were only in my head.

“No. Really. It’s okay,” I urge, trying to draw him back. I want to reach for him, do something to bring him back to me, but I can’t bring myself to move, to touch his skin.

He clamps his mouth closed. I think I’ve scared him. But at this moment, I’m more scared than ever. Scared that I’m going crazy. Scared that I’m not. And I know in my head that it’s better if he stays on his side of the wall, while I stay on mine. Even if my heart has other plans, anything between us is wrong. “What I said before, about Star not caring about you,” I confess, my voice soft, “that was a lie. She loves you. You’re all she has left.”

He nods, a small smile playing on his lips. “I know. But what do
you
have?”

I look away and tell the biggest lie I’ve ever told. “I don’t need anything.”

After a few moments, it’s as if the tide washed everything away. He stands and brushes himself off. “Let’s check out the signs,” he says.

“What about Fern?” I nod to the little girl, sleeping without a care.

We walk outside the bunker, and he pushes a crate against the opening. “She’ll be safe.” Then I follow him to the maze of passages. He shakes the portable light, and it easily illuminates things I hadn’t seen before, like the nests of cobwebs suspended from the black tangle of pipework on the ceiling. It makes Tiam’s skin look almost white, angelic. He’s lost a bit of the sun’s glow he used to have. In a moment the black letters B MT ENT come into view.

The silence begins to get uncomfortable. It’s as if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, for fear of saying too much again. “Star said we used to play a game where we would try to guess what these words said. That you thought it was a code to a secret treasure,” I say to break the tension. “Do you still think that?”

He nods as if it’s obvious. “I know it.”

“And what would you do with a secret treasure?” I ask, trying to be playful.

“The treasure is not a treasure in the common sense,” he explains, taking another step past the sign. His voice is toneless and cool, and his movements are aloof; he doesn’t look back to make sure I’m all right, just keeps pressing forward, into the frozen passage. “Something more valuable than jewels or gold. Something that all of us would kill for. Something I’ve always wished for...but never thought it might actually exist.”

I wrap my arms tightly around myself and breathe in the frigid air. “What is that?”

“An escape.”

My teeth stop chattering. “You mean...” And then it hits me. Is that possible? So all this time, he’s been talking about a way out... Not out of the castle...
Out of this island?
“You’re talking about an underground tunnel. To somewhere else? That’s crazy.”

“Coe, think about what you read to me. In that diary. That girl wrote about a castle with room after room. And a giant door in the mountain. People were
hiding in the mountain.
When you read that to me, I knew it was more than a legend, which is why I’ve been staying down here, trying to find it,” he answers, shining the portable light down the small crack of a passage. “King Wallow told me. He has known about it for some time, but until you read that diary to me, I thought it was just the ramblings of a dying man. The way out isn’t by ocean. It’s been under our feet all along.”

Seventeen

Trembling with Tenderness

“Y
ou’re crazy. Why would he stay here if he knew the way out?”

He raises his eyebrows at me. “Think about it.” I know immediately what he means. The Wallows’ lives here have forever been perfect. They have been waited on hand and foot, their every desire catered to. They had enough food to last them for seasons and seasons. Here, they are important. Who knows how they’d be treated somewhere else? They have no reason to want to leave.

“That’s why Star was talking about leaving. She kept saying she was going to gather her things and go....” I exhale, hold my head between my arms and squeeze it like a vise. “I thought she was crazy. But if Wallow always knew, then that means...”

I can’t even wrap myself around the idea, it’s so hideous. That the man who I thought kept us safe all this time was in fact just keeping us. Like prisoners. It’s such an odious idea it makes me shake. All the things we’ve seen. All the terror we’ve been through. This life that is more like death... Because he wanted to feel important? I think of my poor father. “So...what about the Explores he commissioned?”

“I think he always knew they were pointless. He commissioned them because the people were looking for a way out, and he wanted them to see him doing
something.
He wanted to show them he cared.”

A sharp pain stabs at my heart. I can’t erase the image of my father, shipping off in his raft, promising to see me again. “He didn’t care. He knew my father would die.”

“Your father volunteered for that mission, Coe. He—”

“He wouldn’t have gone on it if Wallow had shown us the way out!” I scream in a voice I never knew I had. I want to run far away, just collapse somewhere, alone, and sob myself dry, but I don’t know where to go. So I just stand there, in front of him, tears sliding down my cheeks. He watches me, confused, as if he wants to help but doesn’t know what to do. I know this is frustrating him beyond belief—he is Helpful Tiam, after all. That is what he does. Our lives have always been about being strong, about showing no weakness. It’s funny that even the great Tiam, who can do everything, is completely helpless when it comes to tenderness.

I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand and peer into the first small opening in the passage. “Did
our king
give you any idea where the exit is?” I can’t keep the bitterness out of my tone as I say this.

“No. He doesn’t know. But a long time ago, before we were born... Coe.”

But I’m not listening. I’m drowning in my own tears. Because Wallow sent my father, the only person who ever cared about me, to certain death. Buck Kettlefish meant to do good, to be helpful, and instead, he was sentenced to die.

I’m stopped in my tracks by Tiam’s cool hand on my bare shoulder. My whole body quivers. I look down at his hand, then back into his eyes. “Coe...” he begins, but he’s baffled. He doesn’t know how to act or what to say. But I know he’s fighting for it, I know that he wants to do something to make me feel better, and that’s all I need.

I move against him. “You could hold me,” I whisper. “Like this.”

I lean forward, open his arms and slide inside. His arms are first stiff, then slowly envelop me, wrapping me completely in his warmth. I press my ear against his firm chest so I can hear the
thud thud thud
of his heartbeat, and I feel his breath on my cheek. This is the thing I’ve been missing, I think. We’ve all been missing this. I never want to let go.

“I feel better now. Thank you,” I say, when I finally, reluctantly, pull away.

His expression is peculiar, as if he’s lost in thought, trying to solve a riddle. He looks as if he’s still trying to figure out this maze of rooms. My cheeks flush madly. He didn’t want it. He didn’t even enjoy it. When he opens his mouth to speak, his voice is very businesslike. “Was
that
a kiss?”

I blink, surprised. “No. A kiss is when your lips, well...touch, I guess.”

“Oh.” He nods, but then his face wrinkles again. “Like how? Show me.”

“What?” I burst out, turning all shades of red now. “Oh, no. I couldn’t. Your bride should. It’s supposed to be, well, special. And it’s not something... I’ve never done something like that....”

Before I can protest any further, he reaches for the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my hair before pulling me to him. “Like this?” he murmurs, brushing his lips against mine.

“I...I don’t know....” I breathe, trying to keep my knees steady, my heart from tripping out of my chest. I can’t help myself. I reach around his neck and pull him to me, then we kiss, and we kiss, and we kiss. Or maybe it isn’t kissing. Maybe it’s just our lips and our bodies melting together as if they belong this way. Whatever it is, there can be no better feeling. He presses his body so hard against me until I can feel every part of him I’ve ever gazed at with longing for so many thousands of tides. I’ve never wanted so much to have my other hand. I run my only hand feverishly over the smooth, muscled skin of his back, wanting it to memorize every inch of his flesh because this is a dream and it will never happen again. And I can’t stop. At times I can’t even breathe and I don’t care because I just want more and more and more of him.

“Oh, gods, Coe,” he says when he comes up for air. He nibbles a trail down my neck, to my shoulder. “Oh, gods.”

He doesn’t have to say anything more. I know.

Suddenly he whimpers. It’s a sharp, girlish cry I’ve never heard from him. I pull away and stare at his face. He’s wincing. “My...”

He’s pointing at something at his middle. His wound. How stupid can I be that I forgot that? “Oh, I’m so, so—”

But he clamps his mouth over mine in another kiss, this one even more consuming than the last. I think about how I’ve lived my entire life not knowing that this existed. This perfect thing. This alone could make tide after tide worth living. I think about Star’s stupid assumption about a kiss reversing the tides. Before I’d thought it was idiotic. Now I’m not so sure. Oh, gods. Star. I reluctantly nudge him away. “We’ve got to stop. Star.”

He gazes at me, breathless, murmuring, “Coe. That was amazing. What was that?”

I shake my head, dazed, as if I don’t know the answer. But I do. I know exactly what that was.

That, my Tiam, was
life.
And now more than ever, I know it’s worth fighting for.

Eighteen

Life

W
e walk to the first crevice and peer inside. “Were you in here?” I ask him, my knees still wobbly from the thought of kissing those lips of his. Already I want to do it again, but then I remember Star and want to die. Die, or just run away with him and never come back. But I know Tiam would never do that. He made a promise to our king. And that is something he would never break.

Tiam nods. “I went down a ways, but it gets narrower and narrower and, well...”

He looks away. He doesn’t need to say any more. I get it. Closed spaces.

“And, yes,” he says. “To answer your question. There is a map. Part of a map. It’s not complete. It was drawn a long time ago.”

“By whom? How did the king even know it existed, if he’s never been down here before?”

“Wallow told me that many tides ago, before we were born, an amazing thing happened. A strange woman was found wandering the passages. She was dressed strangely and looked different, spoke a different language, even.”

“An outsider?” I gasp. For all our time, our population has always been dwindling. We’ve never had outsiders. Not for as long as anyone or their parents could remember. Because we’ve lived so long without any contact from the outside, we’d always assumed we were alone in the world, the only survivors. “That’s not possible.”

“It is. The king and some servants were the only ones who knew of it, though. The ones who didn’t, when they saw her, thought she was a ghost. The Dark Girl.”

“You mean...” I shake my head. “There
really was
a girl who lived in the castle and had dark hair and pale skin? I don’t understand. Where did she come from?”

“From somewhere below. A city underneath us. She’d gone for a walk and gotten lost. She was very sick and delirious, so she didn’t know where she came from, only that it was underground.”

My body trembles at the thought. “How did we never hear about this?”

“Because the king kept her in his tower. He could never let the world know about her, because he knew they would storm the palace and rip it apart, looking for the escape. With the king’s help, she spent day after day trying to find the way back, for thousands of tides, and she drew a map as she did.”

Map. I catch my breath. “Oh, my gosh. A map,” I sputter. “I saw it in her room, in one of her drawers. I knew that B-M-T looked familiar. It was on the map that Star has in her room!”

He rubs the back of his neck, exhaling slowly. “Which is why I’ve got to get up there.”

“You? You knew about this all along?”

He nods. “That was the plan. Star wouldn’t leave until her father was dead. Wallow knew he was on dangerous ground, but he was too ill to make the journey. He knew his daughter wouldn’t be safe here. So the plan was to leave when Wallow died. Me, Star and
her lady-in-waiting.
And I always planned to come back later, and show everyone the way out.”

I raise my eyebrow. “Her lady-in-waiting?”

“I convinced her that the journey would be long and hard and that she’d need someone to carry her bag.” He smiles.

“Why would you do that?” I stare at him, waiting for an answer, but I think I already know. King Wallow had made arrangements with Tiam to protect Star when he was gone. My father did the same. Tiam had made a promise to my father to make sure I was safe. “You gave my father your word?”

He nods. “But, Coe, I would have done it anyway. I promise you that.”

And he never breaks his promises. “That’s why you fought with Finn.”

“Of course. Do you really think I’d
want
to be the last king of Tides? I’d gladly do what everyone else wanted and let Finn have the throne.” He shrugs. “But I knew I could save us. All I had to do was agree to marry Star. And then they would give me the map. And a way out. For everyone.”

“How long have you known about this?”

“Not long. A few tides.” He smiles. “You know how easy I am to figure out. Do you really think I could keep a secret as big as this for longer than that?”

I smile back, my heart melting at the way he’s looking at me. It’s the way I always dreamed of, and that’s when I think of Star and immediately feel guilty. To stop myself from wanting to kiss him again, I break eye contact and look at the laundry chute. “I can make it up there easy.”

He startles when he realizes what I’m talking about. “No way. I’m not letting you go. Not with Finn up there.” He contemplates the chute for a moment and then exhales. “You know how we got into that argument. It wasn’t about me ruling Tides so much as it was about you.”

I nearly choke. “Me?”

“Yeah. Well, I got that impression. Your name came up more than once. He wanted me to stay away from you.”

“No. He’s jealous of you. It wasn’t because of me,” I answer, remembering how Finn had said that every time he did anything, Tiam would come in and do it better. I think of his words,
If I were king, I’d want you to be my queen,
and shiver. “But that’s okay. I don’t have to see Finn at all.”

“How?”

“I’ll climb up the laundry chute and wait for the tide to recede. As soon as it does, I can go out, get the princess and the map, and be back here before the rest even leave the formation.”

He crosses his arms in front of himself. “That’s too dangerous. I should be doing it.”

“But it’s not a big deal. I can do it quickly. I’ve had practice,” I say, amazed at how certain my voice sounds. “I just hope she’s still there.”

His lips press together, and he clenches his fists and shakes his head.

I smile at him reassuringly. “Look, you’ve done enough. You just saved us from those things. And everyone has things they’re afraid of. It’s okay.”

“You’re not afraid of anything,” he whispers.

I snort. “Are you kidding? I’m afraid of just about everything.”

“But not so much that it stops you from doing things. You take on the things you’re afraid of. You don’t cower in a corner like a baby. Like me. I should be over it by now. I know that. But I’m...” He brings his chin to his chest.

I narrow my eyes. “Over what?”

“During my sixth season, I was locked in a drinking jug and tossed out into the ocean. Someone’s idea of fun. I was in there for three days, until I washed up on shore and Buck Kettlefish found me. If it weren’t for him, I’d be dead.” He sighs. “But ever since then...I don’t do so well in closed spaces.”

I figured it was something like that. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”

“Well, I just wanted to tell you that. Anyway, that’s what started it. When the king found out I survived that, he thought it was a sign from the gods. That I was destined to be king.” He laughs. “At least that’s what he told me. He’s been watching me ever since then. Crazy, huh?”

I shrug. “Well, he
did
wear those crazy pink robes, so we always knew he wasn’t all there,” I say, thinking of the other sign that guided us, lit hope under us. Star. She was a sign from the gods, too, that we would be all right. Maybe the gods were right.

He starts to laugh some more, but quickly catches himself. “I wish I was as brave as you are. I don’t know how you do it. You’re fearless, Coe. They threw you in so many times. And yet you kept coming back. That night when I was chained in the castle, you went into the ocean to save me, even after—”

I’m lost. “Wait. What?”

His eyes widen. “They threw you into the ocean. Three or four times. No one else had survived that. But you were only a child, and every morning, there you’d be. Alive. You lost your hand, yes, but still you lived. They thought you were a demon. That if Star was sent to save them, you were sent to punish them.” He stares at me. “Are you telling me you don’t know this?”

“No, I—”

“Right. You don’t remember a lot of it. I forgot. I’m sorry.”

“They thought I was a demon?” I ask, but of course it makes sense. The way they look at me. The way they’ve steered clear of me all this time. But how had I done something so impossible without remembering it in the least?

“Well, you did drown in the ocean, only to come back the next day. Nobody survives the ocean.”

“And how did I do that?” I wonder aloud, thinking about yesterday, when I’d been in the stores. I’d hit my head, lost consciousness, and yet, after the room swelled with water and drained, I woke, perfectly fine. And somehow, I’d managed to conquer the oceans, oceans no human has ever survived, as a small child.

Tiam watches me, gauging my reaction. “Coe. What are you thinking?”

I let out a snort. “I’m thinking something’s seriously odd about me. Maybe I
am
a demon? Or maybe I’m immortal?”

“You are
not
a demon,” he says with a small smile. “And don’t ask me to hit you with the shovel to prove you
are
mortal. I won’t do it.”

Just as I start to laugh, his face turns serious. “But one thing I do think about... The girl with the dark hair and pale skin.” He reaches over and gently wraps a tendril of hair around his finger, making my breathing quicken. His eyes trail to my lips, and I know he is wanting to kiss them as much as I want him to. “Like yours.”

Suddenly, a high-pitched scream echoes through the cavern, making my eardrums quake. Fern.

We rush back to the bunker as fast as we can. Fern is sitting up in the little bed, eyes wide. “Where were you?” she asks as I climb beside her and pull her into my lap. “I thought you left me alone.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, stroking her hair. “I’m here.”

The strange swishing noise we’d heard earlier from above has dissipated. I know what it means. The tide is going out. Tiam eyes me suspiciously. I know it will take every ounce of his strength to swallow his pride and let me go up the chute. I flash my most confident smile.
It will be easy,
I mouth to him. His muscles tighten, his jaw sets and he nods.
Be careful,
he mouths back.

And then I climb to the door of the chute.