Dumfries (12 page)

  “Selling stuff,” he answered eventually, taking heed ae the vein oan the side ae The Chief’s temple, throbbing away like a sandworm, that wis looking fur a way oot.

  “Experience in sales,” she mumbled, purple-white, spongy-looking tongue protruding fae the side ae that nicotine-stained upper lip ae hers, as she wrote doon his reply. “Anything in particular?”

  “Furniture.”

  “Wis that retailing in a shoap?” the daft cow asked him, as baith The Chief and The AG smiled.

  “Supply.”

  “If we wur tae put ye tae Saughton, oor main training establishment in Edinburgh, wid ye be willing tae learn a trade, Taylor?” The AG asked, sounding fed up.

  “It wid depend oan whit ye’re looking fur?” Johnboy replied, shrugging they shoulders ae his and looking across at The Chief, hauf expecting some sort ae acknowledgement and appreciation fur his participation in the charade being played oot in front ae everywan.

  “Well, we’re always oan the look-oot fur barbers,” Mrs Part-ae-The-Management-Team declared. “How dis that sound?”

  Johnboy slowly coonted tae ten, watching her sitting there, eagerly looking across at him, genuinely and naively expecting a response that didnae involve him telling her tae go and fuck hersel.

  “Nah, Ah think it’s ma co-accused ye’re looking fur, so it is.  He worked in a barber shoap fur a few years doon oan the High Street.  Ah don’t think he’s goat any paper qualifications though.  He’d be yer best bet there.”

  “Ur you being insolent again, Taylor?” the AG demanded tae know, an edge creeping in tae that voice ae his.

  Silence.

  “If we offered ye a place in Saughton, whit wid yer response be?” Mrs Management asked him.

  “Whit’s the alternative?”

  “Well, there’s Dumfries Young Offenders Institution,” she hit him wae, clearly expecting him tae break doon and beg no tae be sent there.

  “So, Ah hiv a choice then?”

  “Ye hiv nothing, Taylor.  We decide everything concerning scum like you.  Whit we say goes aboot here, and everywhere else that that arse ae yours ends up in, o’er the next fourteen years,” The Chief reminded him, wee triumphant smirks appearing oan the three sets ae lips opposite ae him.

  “Oh, right then, well that’s cleared that wan up,” he’d replied, cheerfully. “As far as Ah’m concerned, wan shit hole’s jist as bad as any other, so Ah’ll jist leave the decision up tae yersels, if that’s okay?” he replied pleasantly, trying tae keep that grin ae his respectfully understated.

  “So, ye want tae end up in Dumfries then?” she persisted, fur some unknown, stupid reason, still trying tae make it sound like a threat or something.

  “Fine and dandy fae ma side ae the desk, so it is.”

  “Ah think we’ve heard enough, Governor,” The Chief snarled, slitted-eyes boring intae Johnboy’s.

  “Incredible!  Absolutely nae respect fur authority this wan, so he hisnae,” the social worker announced tae her two sidekicks, talking as if Johnboy hid awready left the room.

  “Aye…well, we’ll leave it there, Taylor.  We’ll let ye know in a couple ae days, wance we make oor decision,” The AG informed him, shutting o’er his folder.

  Johnboy heard wan ae the screws behind him yank open the door before he’d even lifted that arse ae his aff ae the chair.  When he stood up and turned, he couldnae help smiling at the astonished faces ae the two screws oan either side ae him, as he took aff at a gallop through the door intae the reception waiting room.  The Scowler, that twisted face ae his crumbling in tae a panic-stricken look ae horror, tried unsuccessfully tae staun up tae defend himsel.  Johnboy caught him full in the face wae his size ten, prison-issue leather-soled shoe.  Baby Bear’s heid, followed by his body, flew upwards oot ae his seat, as the back ae his heid ricocheted aff ae the lilac painted brick wall behind him, before rebounding forward, nose-diving towards the broon lino.  Johnboy hid awready danced a step backwards in anticipation and positioned himsel wae the heavy chipped chair held aloft in baith hauns, before whacking it as hard as he could muster, across the back ae that big thick heid and shoulders before any ae the screws hid a chance tae react.  The screws that hid been lounging doon at the other end ae the room while their other two pals hid escorted him intae the interview room, suddenly aw charged forward towards him, impersonating a rugby scrum, while at the same time, withdrawing their batons fae their trooser pockets.  He heard Miss Management let oot a frightened, howling scream behind him, as he flung the chair that hid jist bounced aff ae The Scowler’s napper, horizontally alang the lino, skiting towards the charging mass.  He could jist remember seeing them toppling o’er like a bunch ae skittles, before an explosion went aff inside the back ae that heid ae his.

  “
Good evening.  My name is John Turney and these are the news headlines in Scotland tonight. 

Three Corporation tenant families had to be removed from their homes under police escort in Cranhill last night after local people took the law into their own hands by storming the residents’ houses after it was believed that the area’s major drug distributors lived there. A police spokesman urged people not to take the law into their own hands and to let the police deal with criminality…

Police believe organised criminals in the city are responsible for ten thousand pounds worth of carpets being stolen from JMC Carpets warehouse in Finnieston.  Police sources said that it must have taken the criminals some time to remove the carpets and are appealing for witnesses…

Police have raided three houses in the west end of the city, believed to have been operating as upmarket brothels, in the early hours of this morning.  Owner of one of the premises, a Mrs Bella McPhail, claimed that her house was a gentlemen’s hotel, catering for travelling salesmen, and that she had no idea why the police would believe she was running a house of ill-repute.  Father Henry Coil from nearby St Luscious of Our Lord Chapel has demanded that police do more to shut these dens of iniquity…

  The body of a young women, believed to be a prostitute, has been found in a city centre lane, just off Bothwell Street earlier this morning, as office workers arrived for work.  It’s believed the women is known to undercover police who patrol the area’s red light district…”

Chapter Ten

  Alex McRae looked up.  Fanny Flaw
hid jist pulled up in her wee faded-blue Citroen 2CV6.  His windae wis open tae allow some air in, so he heard the car before he saw it.  It sounded like his wife’s sewing machine.  Fanny hid bought it jist o’er a month earlier and hid picked it up before starting her shift oan a beautiful sunny spring morning.  She’d convinced Alex tae drap her aff tae collect it.  Oan the way in tae work that morning, she’d rolled back the canvas roof oan it tae bask in the sunshine that streamed doon oan tae that mousy fair hair ae hers.  Two hunner yards further oan, the heavens hid opened up and she’d turned up at the staff conference meeting wae her bag ae files swimming in fine fresh Solway Firth rainwater.  Alex stood up and strolled across tae the windae.  He watched, amused, as she applied the haunbrake and switched aff the engine.  The car started tae roll backwards as she wis bent o’er lifting up her work bag fae the foot-well oan the passenger’s side.  When he clocked her heid reappearing, his smile widened, watching her panic, as she slammed oan the brakes in the middle ae the parking lot.  The sewing machine coughed back in tae life again and she moved back tae her original stationary position.  He noticed that she used baith hauns tae apply the haunbrake this time and sat looking aboot wae the same palms hovering three or four inches above the steering wheel tae make sure she wisnae moving, before switching aff the engine again.  Although he widnae dream ae telling her that he’d missed her when she wis away, he wis delighted tae hiv her back.  The place hid been like a morgue these past few weeks.  She’d been like a breath ae fresh air when she’d joined the social work team in Dumfries, even though she spent maist ae her time up at the Young Offenders Institution.  It hid been the first time in his twenty five years as a probation officer and then a social worker that he’d felt like he wis the wan that hid been getting interviewed by the candidate insteid ae the other way roond.  He didnae agree wae everything she said or did, bit she hid the enthusiasm ae youth oan her side.  In fact, at twenty seven, she wis the youngest member ae the staff team by at least fifteen years.  In the eight months that she’d been working up at the jail, she’d dealt wae mair self-referrals than her predecessor hid in the nine years that she’d been idling away her time up there.

  “If Ah wis locked up in that place and a relatively nice looking dolly-bird replaced auld crabbit-arsed Betty, Ah’m sure Ah’d be looking fur any excuse tae sign up fur a chat, so Ah wid,” Cocky Miller hid said, no long efter Fanny hid started producing results.

  “Naw, she’s goat something, that lassie, so she his,” he’d replied.

  “Aye, it’s called a poontang.  She’s well-named tae be working up there amongst aw that young crowd.  She’s no exactly Raquel Welsh, bit fae where they’re coming fae, she’ll be manna fae heaven in the wanking material stakes,” Cocky hid snidely remarked.

  Cocky wis the department lothario.  Wummin either couldnae staun the sight ae him or they toppled at the onslaught ae his flirting charms before being unceremoniously dumped wance he’d goat whit he wis efter.  He wis in his early fifties, bit dressed like a twenty-year-auld oot ae West Side Story, bandanas being especially tae the fore wrapped roond that neck ae his.  Alex’s wife, Barbara, hid banned Cocky fae the hoose efter he’d made a pass at her while supposedly comforting her at her maw’s wake.  Alex hid tried tae reason wae her, bit her word wis law beyond the threshold ae the McRae front door.  Cocky never mentioned no being invited aroond efter that, bit Alex suspected that he knew the reason.  Cocky hid never been married and believed he wis God’s gift tae wumminhood.  He didnae take it lightly if his advances wur spurned or rejected.  Alex wisnae sure if Fanny wis popular fae the word go because she’d put Cocky in his place at an area meeting, in front ae everywan, a few days efter she’d started, or whether it wis because she wis jist a genuinely likeable person.  When Cocky hid started flirting wae her at that first meeting, Alex remembered aw the other social workers looking at Fanny wae interest tae see whit her reaction wid be.  At first, she’d jist ignored Cocky, bit when he upped his game and persisted, Fanny hid turned tae the other staff in the team behind Cocky’s back and stuck two fingers doon her throat, pretending that she wis aboot tae throw up.  It hid been bloody hilarious.  Aw the staff, especially the wummin, hidnae been able tae contain themsels, and hid aw burst oot cackling like a gaggle ae geese. That hid been that.  Cocky hid left her well alane, bit it hidnae stoapped him coming oot wae wee snidey comments when she wis oot ae ear-shot.

  “She’s a walking hostage, that wan, waiting tae be snatched, you mark ma words,” hid been wan ae his recent repeated ditties.

  Cocky drank wae a crowd ae prison officers in their social club, even though he’d hinted aboot the office that he’d slept wae hauf ae their wives, when they wur across the water.  He’d telt Alex that if he’d been younger, he wid’ve jacked in his job as a social worker and joined the prison service oan account ae aw the money they wur raking in.  Maist ae the prison officers up in the YOI wur chomping at the bit tae go across and dae stints in Northern Ireland’s H-Blocks, tae relieve the pressure oan the staff there.  They basically worked and slept every hour that came their way when they wurnae doon in the Shankhill getting pished wae people they shouldnae hiv been mixing wae in the first place.  Everywan living in Dumfries knew who the prison officers wur because ae aw the tap ae the range cars they ran aboot in.  Every Monday, Cocky couldnae wait tae get in tae work tae tell Alex whit Fanny hid been getting up tae up in the YOI the previous week, even though Cocky knew Alex met wae Fanny wan day a week tae make sure everything wis hunky-dory.  Fanny wis obviously wan ae the main topics ae conversation in the POA bar.  He watched her lock the car door, despite the canvas rollback sunroof being open tae anywan who wanted tae steal her car radio, and heid across the car park, only tae be confronted by Pishy Wullie, the resident car park jakey.  Despite repeatedly telling her till he wis blue in the face, no tae encourage Pishy, he watched her go in tae her shoulder bag and take oot her purse and haun him o’er something.  He tried tae focus tae see if it wis a coin or a note, bit his glasses wur too smudged and she wis too far away.  He wis glad that Cocky wisnae at his desk when he clocked her grabbing Pishy Wullie by the ears and gieing him a kiss oan that manky foreheid ae his before smiling and disappearing oot ae sight as she heided fur the main door ae the building.  He nipped back tae his desk.  Her imminent entrance in tae the office wis the trigger fur his sphincter tae remind him that as the team leader, it wis his job tae gie the rope a wee tug tae ensure that everything, and everywan, kept calm in times ae discontent.  He’d awready rehearsed whit he wis gonnae say tae her, bit he knew fine well that whitever he hid planned, it wid go straight oot ae the windae when she came bouncing back at him demanding his unconditional support.  Oan her first day up at the jail, she’d refused tae accept a bunch ae ‘access aw areas’ keys.  The officers hid been chuffed as punch.  It hid been a long-standing issue throughoot Scotland’s prison system aboot civvies hivving keys in their possession.  The POA hid been whingeing aboot it fur years, using security concerns as their main argument.  Wance she started becoming popular wae the YOs, the mood hid changed though and the officers hid started complaining that they hid tae escort her fae A tae B oan account ae her refusing tae accept keys like everywan else working in the place.  Whenever she wanted tae go and interview a YO, they’d deliberately keep her waiting, sometimes fur o’er an hour, until an officer could be released fae whit he wis daeing tae come and collect her.  Things hid soon deteriorated at a pace.  Within a few weeks ae being messed aboot by the uniforms, she’d taken up wae Father Leonard, the resident prison priest.  Between them, they’d mounted an all-oot frontal attack tae bypass the prison officers, in order tae respond tae the needs ae the YOs.  At first, he’d found it amusing, until aboot three months earlier, when the pair ae eejits hid started tae heid doon tae the dining hall at lunchtime and eat their meal, sitting in amongst the YOs.  Baith the prison officers and the YOs themsels hid been taken by surprise and hidnae been too sure how tae respond tae the intrusion.  The POA rep hid shot aff tae the governor and hid demanded that he put an end tae the integration oan the grounds ae security.  He’d argued that the staff wurnae prepared tae take responsibility fur Fanny’s safety.  It hid been clear they couldnae gie a stuff aboot the priest, seeing as they wur aw well-known bluenoses. Efter aboot three or four heated conferences wae the governor, which hid ended in victory fur Fanny and the priest, and a two-week work-tae-rule by the staff, the officers hid backed doon wance they’d felt the impact in their wage packets oan a Friday.  The next confrontation hid come when Fanny and Father Leonard decided tae separate and sit individually wae the inmates at their tables.  Donald Dick, wan ae the senior officers and POA rep hid threatened another work-tae-rule if the governor didnae act and put an end tae whit wis gaun oan.  The SO hid claimed that the YOs hid sussed oot, encouraged by Fanny and Father Leonard, that the officers wurnae happy wae this turn ae events, and wur noo using it tae noise up the staff oan duty during meal times by encouraging Fanny and the priest tae come and sit wae them.  The few attempts tae curb Fanny and the priest hidnae worked, even efter a couple ae fights hid broken oot in the dining room, between the YOs during the meal times, when the pair wur sitting in amongst everywan.  The POA hid argued that the fights hid been o’er who wis getting tae sit wae Fanny, bit it hid soon been proven that the commotion hid been due tae gang issues amongst the YOs themsels.  The Department in Edinburgh hid sent doon wan ae their heid honchos, some fat bureaucrat called Peacock, who’d informed the staff that The Department wis in favour ae whit the priest and Fanny wur daeing and that if any ae the officers wanted tae put in fur a transfer, their request wid be looked oan favourably.  Cocky hid telt him that The Department guy hid also blatantly telt the staff that anywan who put in a transfer request could kiss goodbye tae their wee lucrative sojourns across the water tae Northern Ireland.  That hid soon put paid tae the grumbles and things hid settled doon tae a manageable truce.  Noo, the shite bucket hid tipped o’er again.

  “Fanny, ma wee pumpkin, ye’re back?  How wis yer honeymoon?”

  “Oh, Alex, it was so beautiful, but sad at the same time, if you know what I mean,” Fanny chirped, as she flounced across tae her desk and started rifling through her mail.

  “Well, whit did ye expect?  Who ever heard ae anywan gaun tae an orphanage in Africa oan their honeymoon?  Christ, there’s jist something a wee bit distasteful aboot that, so there is.”

  “It wasn’t a honeymoon, Alex.  It was a working holiday.  This is the fourth year Jardine’s been and my second.  The children are a joy to be with.  Jardine and I have been living together for five years,” she replied, withoot looking up.  “So getting married wasn’t such a big change to our lives,” she murmured, as crumbled sheets ae paper accurately landed in the wastepaper bin wan efter the other across in the corner.

  “So, why bother getting hitched then?” he asked, wondering how she managed tae score a hunner percent each time, as another paper ball whizzed past his heid and landed oan tap ae the others.

  “For Jake’s sake.  He’s getting older now.  He’s nearly five and Jardine has legally become his guardian and he needs a father.  It’s difficult starting school for the first time at that age.”

  “And whit dis Jake think ae hivving tae be dragged aff tae an orphanage oan his maw’s honeymoon wae a new daddy?  Christ, he’ll hiv some stories tae tell his grandweans, so he will.”

  “He loved it.  He didn’t want to come home.  So, what’s happening here? Anything I should be concerned about?” she asked, looking up.

  “Aye, well, it’s funny ye should ask that, lass.”

  “What?  Don’t tell me that someone has called Cocky’s bluff and accepted a marriage proposal?”

  “Er, no quite.  And another thing, whit hiv Ah telt ye aboot haunin o’er money tae Pishy Wullie?  That’s only encouraging him,” Alex scowled, retreating fae telling her the bad news.

  “His name’s Willie, Alex.  How would you feel if you knew that I referred to you behind your back with the name everyone in the office calls you, eh?”

  “Me?  A nickname? Ye’re bloody well kidding me!  Christ, they hivnae goat an embarrassing nickname fur me, hiv they?” he asked, surprised.

  “Of course they do, but I never use it…well, not very often.”

  “Right, c’mone noo, tell me ye’re hivving me oan?”

  “Yes, okay, I’m only kidding,” she replied, grinning.

  “Naw, ye’re no.  Shit, Ah’ve goat a nickname.  Efter aw this time and Ah never knew.  Right, spit it oot then.  Ah need tae know,” he said appealingly, resting his hauns oan his desk in preparation.

  “Oh Alex, I’m only jesting.”

  “Naw ye’re no, c’mone, spit it oot.  Ah’m a big boy, Ah kin take it.”

  “Honestly, I was only pulling your leg,” she scoffed, laughing, bending o’er and slapping her thigh wae her haun.

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.  So, you were going to tell me something that obviously wasn’t to do with Cocky’s love life.”

  “Right, bit don’t go shooting the messenger noo,” he sighed, before spitting it oot. “You and that wee priest pal ae yers hiv been blocked fae mixing wae yer wee angels wae dirty faces up at the YOI.  And no only that, it’s fur good this time.”

  “On what grounds?” Fanny demanded tae know, they eyes ae hers flashing.