Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale (19 page)

I scoot back over to them and lean my head on Holden’s shoulder. “What I am trying to tell you is that your Uncle Holden and I love each other the way a mommy and daddy love each other.”

Ellie looks over at me with a confused expression. “You mean like boyfriend and girlfriend?”

I smile. “Yes, Ellie, like boyfriend and girlfriend.”

She smiles at first but then gets a very serious expression. “Does that make Daddy sad?”

I take her off Holden’s lap and back onto mine. ”Yes, Daddy knows, and he is very happy for us. Your dad wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy too. He will always be important to me because he is your daddy. He gave me the best gifts in the world. You two.”

Ellie smiles up at me. “Then I am happy too.”

Holden grins from ear to ear and snuggles Sophie tightly. “You girls are lucky to have a mom and dad who love you as much as yours do.” He looks up at me, with an endearing smile. “But I am going to give them a run for their money because I love you two girls to the moon and back.”

Sophie begins bouncing up and down in his arms. “
I Love You Always
! Mommy, he said the part from my favorite book.” We all laugh and I take a deep breath, relieved that I have nothing to hide anymore. I had no idea how much I wanted this until right now. I feel another layer of my wall burn down as we snuggle closely with my girls.

I suddenly feel as if this is all going to be okay. The girls love me, they love their father, and they love Holden.

S
ummer is over and we are now coming upon the one-year anniversary of Sandy. There is going to be a big party at the rebuilt Cutter Lane restaurant, and I am knee-deep in the planning. This is something my mother would have been in charge of if she were still alive, and it has made this process all the more difficult, making her absence even more painful. To make matters worse, I haven’t seen Holden all week since he’s been tied up, preparing for trial. But tonight, I am going to take a break from party planning, a break from writing, and celebrate the success of my latest article for the
New Yorker
magazine.

With my newly discovered confidence and the support of Holden, I wrote an emotional article on sexual abuse, specifically focusing on rape.
I can say the word now.

Holden held true to his word and kept quiet about Jake. Although I know he is keeping a close eye on him, making sure there is no more contact from him in any way, shape, or form. It’s been quiet since the letter last February, and I assumed that Jake realized I am never going to blow his cover. Holden had a thorough background check done on him after I made my confession, and has had him followed by a private detective for months. Holden seems to know where Jake is at all times and makes sure it is nowhere near me.

There was at least one thing that Jake said to me last Christmas Eve that is true. He never has attacked any women since or before me. He really had moved away and dedicated his life to therapy and philanthropy. The letter he sent to me seems a complete contradiction to his apparent attempt at redemption, and I can only hope it was a moment of fear and weakness that caused him to send it, rather than an actual threat. I know that if Jake’s violation against me ever got out, it will not only destroy his life, but also his father’s, and that was enough to keep me quiet. I know that the Waters family will stop at nothing to protect their reputation.

After Holden and I kicked our relationship up a notch, I began to slowly, and carefully, let go of my past and embrace my future. I am no longer a victim, but a survivor. I am no longer letting my past determine my future. I am in charge of the direction my life is going to take, and I no longer hide from my past, but instead have decided to own it and let it be a part of me that makes me stronger, no longer what tears me apart.

I’ve learned that writing about what scares me the most is another thing I can do to heal. I can still own what has happened without shouting from the rooftops who did it to me. It doesn’t matter who broke me; it only matters that I didn’t let it destroy me forever. It matters that I made it through to the other side and am stronger now because of it. So I pitched an idea to my editor about the prevalence of teen rape and the use of social media to intimidate and manipulate victims. My piece gave a lot of firsthand accounts from girls and women who were brave enough to share their stories. Some chose to be anonymous, like myself. I am still too worried about what Jake or his family was really capable of if I were to not only tell someone about what happened, but if I told the entire world. My only fear was that Jake will recognize my part in the article, so I altered some of the details about the night and location just in case.
He will still know it’s about him.

I am in the city today and have just finished up an interview on the
Today Show
about my article. Yes, little old Camryn Hamilton was on the
Today Show
talking with Matt Lauer about my article. It is a dream come true to be sitting in the studio next to one of my journalistic idols, and I am on cloud nine today. I am almost skipping out of the studio from the adrenaline, ready to catch the train at Penn Station and head back down to the shore. I want to see Holden and share this moment with him, and tomorrow will not be soon enough. I’ve missed him, and want to share in my excitement. Letting my heart lead me, which I have just learned to do again, I hail a cab to Holden’s office rather than my apartment. Ideas flash through my mind of the things I want to do to him in his office, making me shudder with excitement. I really love Holden, and know that the last pieces of my wall are as delicate as a piece of filo dough at this point. One more touch from him, and I am all his. I want to be all his and am ready to make sure he knows it.

A stupid grin is plastered across my face as I hop out of the taxi and into the tall, steel building on 42
nd
and 5
th
. I pause at the window to check my appearance, glad that my hair and make-up was done at the studio for the interview. My red Michael Kors dress and sky-high black heels make me look better than ever. I confidently walk up to reception, smiling broadly at Holden’s receptionist, who I know well. I put my finger to my lips, tiptoeing past, letting her know that I want my arrival to be a surprise. She hops up, seemingly trying to stop me, but I am opening his office before she can get to me.

I instantly understand the look of fear on her face when I walk into Holden’s office. There he is, the man who supposedly loves me more than anything in the world, pressed up against the wall, kissing another woman. Bile rises up my throat when the woman turns around and meets my gaze with red lipstick smeared across her face. It was Bridgette, Holden’s ex. I stand there motionless as Holden’s eyes meet mine, his lips red and swollen from the kiss.

He pushes Bridgette aside and begins to walk over to me with cautious eyes. “It’s not what you think, Cam.” His voice breaks midsentence.

“I don’t see how
this
isn’t what I think. I know what I saw. Your fucking receptionist knows what I saw!”
Do not let them see you cry.

I take a deep breath as if I am sucking back in the tears that are beginning to pool in my eyes.

“I think I should go.” Bridgette grabs her purse with a spiteful grin. “Thanks for a great time, Holden.”

I hold back the urge to punch her in that snarky face and instead stare her down as she walks past me. She may look like a super model, but her cold personality makes her seem like an ogre right now.

Holden ignores her and pulls me into his arms. I brace my hands against his shirt, unable to meet his eyes. I hear the door shut, knowing the receptionist has followed Bridgette out.

“Camryn, you have to believe me. She came here asking for me back. I told her no, that I am in love with you. I told her it has always been you. She kissed me right when you walked in.”

“I know what I saw.” I can barely get out the words. The walls of my heart are being thrown back up at alarming speed. I can barely breathe, trying to make sense of what I just walked in to. It isn’t such a stretch to believe that this is something that has gone on often with Holden. Women are constantly throwing themselves at him, whether or not I am standing there. What if my popping in unexpectedly is just what I need to snap me out of my love-drunk haze? All of my fears about Holden are instantly reignited.

I turn to walk out the door, and I don’t know if I would ever be back. I don’t think that I can do this again. I can’t let myself go through this uncertainty again.

“Camryn, please. Just let me explain. You can’t walk away from me.” Holden grabs my arms and spins me around so that I have no choice but to look into his desperate eyes. My heart is breaking, seeing the pain on his face. A part of me wants to believe he is telling the truth. The way he looks at me makes me want to forget the last five minutes more than anything in the world. But I can’t. I need to get away.

“I need to go. Please, Holden, if you love me at all, you’ll let me go.”

“It’s
because
I love you so much that I’ll be damned if I let you walk out the door right now without me. I’m not letting you walk away from me, Camryn. We can work this out.” His words are filled with desperation.

I rub the back of my hand across his perfect face. “If I never walked in here today, would you have told me about this? How often does she come here?” I whisper.

He folds my hand in his and pulls me flush against his body, kissing each knuckle delicately. “I would have told you everything, Cam, because I love you. I have never lied to you and I’m not lying about this. I haven’t seen her in months; her being here is as much a surprise to me as it is to you.”

My head is swimming with doubt and confusion. “Please, Holden. Let me go. I need time—just give me time.”

“I won’t let you leave without me.” His voice is filled with stubborn determination.

“Tomorrow. Come down tomorrow like we planned and we can talk then. I need to be alone tonight.”

“Why, Camryn? So you can sit in your dad’s house and manufacture reasons why we can’t be together? People who love each other don’t take time apart—they go through the good, the bad, and the ugly
together
.”

I know that he’s right, but I am not there yet. I need to be alone to sort through my insecurities and sadness. I want so badly to believe him, but him begging me for forgiveness will do nothing to change how I feel right now.

“I’m not asking you, Holden; I’m telling you to let me go.” The tears I am trying to hide are beginning to tip over the edges of my lids. I turn away and begin to walk to the door.

I look back at Holden before walking out the door. He closes his eyes tightly. “I’m afraid if you walk out of this door right now, nothing will ever be the same between us.”

“Me too.” I turn and walk out the door and he doesn’t follow me.

I feel numb as I look out the window of the rumbling train, unaware of the commotion of all the commuters around me. I want to believe Holden, and a part of me really does. But now more than ever, I am unsure of my ability to be in a relationship like ours again. My emotions have been all over the place the past few weeks. In an instant today, I went from confident and secure to doubting everything I thought I believed.

I arrive at the dimly lit station in Point Pleasant, one of the few commuters still on the train, and search for my keys. The humidity in the air is like a blanket of grief smacking me in my face as I step off the train onto the stone covered street. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life because I always run away instead of facing them. I have to make this time different. Although I ran away today, I can’t lock Holden out. I have to talk this through with him before making any final decisions about us. But I do need tonight to clear my head.

The train ride gave me an opportunity to settle down and look at the whole picture rather than a speck on the screen. Although I am furious with Holden for being in such a compromising position with Bridgette, I owe it to him to hear him out and trust what he tells me. I have to make the decision to trust him and believe him.

I reach in my purse and pull out my phone as I slid into my driver’s seat. If I know Holden like I think I do, he has been sick with worry and regret from the second I walked through his door. The look in his eyes when I walked out was heartbreaking.

I send Holden a quick text instead of calling, knowing that if I hear his voice, and he asks me if he can come to be with me, I will let him. All I can think of is to send him the three words I know would mean the most to him right now.
I love you
.

Before I can even pull out of the parking lot, his response chimes on my phone:
I love you to the moon and back. See you the second the sun rises.

I smile and plug my phone into the car adapter and push play. “Dust to Dust” by the Civil Wars comes on, and my smile grows to an all-out laugh. It is as if the music gods are trying to tell me to forgive Holden and finally let him into my heart.
I really do love him.