Authors: Matt Beaumont

e Squared (2 page)

BOOK: e Squared

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Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.06

Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8 [continued]

On to Noah. I'm delighted to report that number-one child is flying. I must say that David and I were a little baffled by his A-level choices (drama, chemistry and Polish), but he wants to leave the actor/quantum chemist option open for as long as possible. And I suppose, if nothing else, he'll always be able to communicate with his plumber. To his credit, he's really making it work. As I write he's in his room, revising for his mocks.

He's maturing into a wonderful young man. He really looks out for Tamara and it's lovely to behold the growing sibling bond. We have every confidence in Noah. This is going to be his year: stellar A-level results and then onto the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. Or Quantum Chemistry at the University of Lodz!

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From:
Janice Crutton

To: Noah Crutton

Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.12

Subject: List

Since you are intent on re-creating last summer's Glastonbury music festival behind a locked and barricaded bedroom door, this is the only way I have of communicating with you. A to-do list:

1. Please turn your music down.

2. If you have dirty laundry in there, chuck it onto the landing. Or are you planning to leave it until it's ripe enough to make its way to the washing machine under its own steam?

3. Please tidy your desk.

4. And while you're at it, look for the stuff I Googled for your biochemical thermodynamics assignment.

5. Which you have to hand in on Monday.

6. Dad and I are out tonight. Can you keep an eye on your sister? I don't want to come home and find a policewoman babysitting her again.

7. You are working up there, aren't you? (Remember: biochemical thermodynamics, MONDAY.) I don't know how you can concentrate with that racket. I know that I can't.

8. So
please
turn the music down.

9. I'm making a sandwich. Interested? Or do you have a stash of food?

10. TURN THE BLOODY MUSIC DOWN!

Mum x

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Noah Crutton

Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.17

Subject: TURN IT DOWN!

For God's sake, I asked you to turn it down, not up. I now have plaster dust in my coffee. Thanks for that.

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...

Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.18

Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8 [continued]

Tamara, too, is blossoming into a lovely young woman. Kind, sensitive and, though I say it myself, very pretty. It's a big year for her as well. GCSEs in June and I'm pleased to say that, like her brother, her nose is to the grindstone.

And, like her brother, she's no stranger to drama. She made an exceptional Cecily in the school production of Earnest. She looked a picture in crinoline and was a proper Edwardian lady. According to the review in the local paper, she was “the epitome of modesty and decorum!” I'm tempted to scan it in and attach it to this, but that would be sad, wouldn't it?

[saved as draft]

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others...

Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.24

Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8 [continued]

Last and most definitely least, me! I'm still making a decent fist of juggling corporate law and parenthood, though I must say it gets easier as the kids grow older and more responsible. We had a busy year at Bancroft Brooks. Redundancies last March doubled the workload for those of us that remained. Nothing terribly exciting to report. I was mentioned in dispatches for my handling of RTZ's acquisition of ...

As I said, nothing exciting to report.

But I'm happy and I have my health, and doesn't that become increasingly important year on year?

A brief round-up of the other Cruttons:

Courtney was 17 last week (about 1,000 in cat years).

Henry Hamster sadly passed away. Tamara's eighth Henry and, though she buried him with the usual tears, her last. She is definitely growing up.

The fish are well. They send their regards.

I've attached a pic of the four of us in Sardinia last summer. Please try to ignore the tum! I've lost 9 lbs since then. And yes, that glint in Tamara's nose is a stud. After not a little pressure, we finally gave in. We've drawn the line though. Definitely no tongue stud!

That's all from us. I hope you're all well. And I hope you all have fantastic Christmases and wonderful New Years.

All our love,

Janice, David, Noah & Tamara

xxxx

Sunday

Mood: sober

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Jon Parkin, Sita Brahmachari, Blair Krempel, Aneil Bedi, David Glass, Pippa Reedy, Justine Rogers, Kuo Lee Chien-Fu, Ron Hanlon, Hazel Park

Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.12

Subject: Apology

I will be around later to apologize to each of you in person, but since I have you in my contacts as the Neighborhood Watch group, I thought I'd rattle off an early e to register our sincere regret at what took place last night.

Firstly, I want to assure you that neither David nor I sanctioned the party. Certainly if we had, we would have stayed home to keep a discreet eye on things and we would not have allowed our children to invite the 250+ that the police claimed turned up.

(Personally, I feel it was definitely no more than 200, but that is splitting hairs.)

However, David's and my obvious horror does not absolve us of our responsibilities. We should not have allowed it to happen and we are deeply, deeply sorry for the horrendous noise and also for the unforgivable abuse that some of you endured. I don't suppose it's any consolation at all, but our house now resembles Ground Zero.

Sita, I promise that Noah will be around later to clean the graffiti from your wall. And, Blair, please let me know what the vet charged for stomach-pumping your beautiful Burmese.

Once again, I am sincerely sorry and I hope that, in time, you can find a way to forgive us.

Janice Crutton

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Kath Hunter-Firth

Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.23

Subject: Thanks

Hi Kath,

First of all, thank you so much for last night. The meal was truly wonderful. You are such an adventurous cook. Honestly, I wouldn't have a clue where to buy goat's tongue, let alone what to do with it.

I must apologize for David though. In mitigation, he has been terribly overworked, but that doesn't excuse his grouchiness. Please assure Graeme that he wasn't casting aspersions at his digital radio. He loves anything digital. It was the stress talking, as well as, I suspect, a certain amount of male gadget envy!

I'll get you guys over here soon. I will attempt to do something thrilling with chicken breast and my husband will prove what an utter charmer he really is.

Thanks again and Christmas hugs,

Janice x

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.31

Subject: Question

So, while I am cleaning vomit off the floors, the walls and (incredible but true) the half-landing skylight, while I am trying to figure out how to get fluorescent pizza grease out of an ivory sofa, while I'd rather not figure out the provenance of the stains on our duvet, while I am groveling on my knees to our neighbors because of our children and to my best friend because of you, where the hell are you?

Oh, that's right, work.

Honestly, what can be so important that it keeps you away from your imploding family? Happy bloody Christmas, David.

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.35

Subject: Still in bed?

As my longest-serving PA (is it really seven years?) you should be fully conversant with my views on sleep. Get up, eat your croissant/Coco Pops and get your arse in here. I need you to show me how you do frog accents on Word. Can't do the angled thing on the second e of Esmee and the first of Eloge, which, in a letter to the CEO of Esmee Eloge, is not good form.

And I need coffee. Not bloody decaf. I can tell the difference.