Easier to Run (8 page)

“Rachel didn't have everything easy,” Ben said. “Half the time she had to study her ass off just to get average marks. And when you started—” He snapped his mouth shut.

“When I started?” My stomach clenched like I hadn't eaten in days.

Ben sighed and shook his head. “Things definitely weren't always easy for her when you skipped two grades and still breezed through high school classes.”

“She never said anything.”

Ben chewed on the inside of his lip, watching his mirrors as he tried to change lanes. “That's because most of our dates were at the library so I could help her with her homework.”

“She stopped studying at home because of me?” When I was younger, I had crashed plenty of their study dates. If Ben was around, I wasn’t far away. I preferred to study with Ben and my sister because at least their work was interesting.

“She was terrified of getting bad grades because you never had to try.”

“And I was terrified of not fitting in—she never had to try at that. ‘Be more outgoing like your sister,’” I said with a falsetto voice. “’Your sister doesn't care what people think.’”

“She really did,” Ben said. “Made me swear not to tell anyone though.”

I made a sound in my throat. I couldn’t believe it. “And you always kept your promises, even when you were stuck in the middle of every Bryant sister spat.”

He chuckled and flipped down his visor against the setting sun. “I tried.”

“I miss her. Even after this long, it hurts more than I can stand. Our parents, then her....” I swallowed.
Then, Ben.

Even though he wasn't gone for good, as our current situation proved. I had spent most of my time terrified to come back to what I'd left behind.

“I'm sorry, Cas,” Ben whispered. His voice was low and gravely. But he had no reason to be sorry. He did everything he could to stand by me and help me get through life. I was the one with countless mistakes to apologize for.

I still wondered why our reunion was so easy. Why the only thing Ben had at home was a rotten bitch of an ex. He could have easily had his picking of the town—hell, the state and beyond. Then again, this trip alone involved ten days on the road—maybe he just wasn't around to find anything lasting.

“Can we talk about something not so dire?” I asked with a strained laugh. A nervous tick that I couldn't break. The more anxious I got, the more I laughed, and the two normally snowballed together until I crumbled under an avalanche of my own creation. We still had a few more hours on the road yet, and I didn’t think I could make it if I had to keep thinking about the past.

Rachel rubbed her hands over her face. Her eyes were bloodshot and circled in pink. “We’ll have to get together a place for Cassie to sleep.” Her words were intended for Mitchel, but she stared off into the center of the room as she spoke, unable to focus on anyone in particular.

“We still have beds from when all the kids were home,” Beth said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “How about you come back with us and get some rest. You’ll have more time to get everything prepared decide what you need to do.”

Rachel silently agreed, and the group slowly marched out of the hospital. Lack of sleep and the emotional drain left them silent and their movements stiff and clumsy. They filed into cars and trucks moving the procession back to Ben’s home.

Ben pulled in the drive first and parked near the front porch. He carefully opened the passenger door to his truck and eased Cassie’s sleeping body out of the cab without waking her. Beth came up behind him to close the door, and followed him up to one of the empty bedrooms, pulling back the sheets and taking off Cassie’s shoes so he could slip her into bed without waking her.

“Stay with her for a minute?” Ben asked.

“You need sleep,” she said. “You’re not thinking of staying up just to watch her sleep, are you?”

“No. I just want to run and grab something. I don’t want her to wake up alone, yet.”

Beth nodded and sat at the foot of the bed.

Ben ran downstairs, out the front door, and across the yard to Cassie’s house. After pulling the spare key out from under a board on the porch, he stepped inside the house. It already seemed eerily quiet and empty as he jogged up the stairs to Cassie’s room and grabbed the stuffed Manatee from the head of her bed. She’d picked it up when their families went to Florida together and kept it close wherever she went.

He jogged back to his room and tucked the manatee under her arm. She stirred and pulled it close with a long sigh, but she didn’t open her eyes.

His mom squeezed his shoulders. “Get some sleep. She’ll need you when she wakes up.”

“Need me?” He let out an exhausted sigh. “I feel like there’s nothing I can do.”

“You’re doing a lot, Ben. Even when we feel like we’re doing nothing, being close is something.”

Cassie

Life on the road was far from glamorous, and our first few days were anything but smooth. Ben had tried a few times to reach Liz again, but she wouldn’t pick up the phone or return his text messages. So, we spent most of our days trying to make light conversation to keep our minds off of all the things we didn’t want to think about. That is, in between Ben fighting with chaotic traffic, weigh stations, and general bad timing when it came to loading and unloading. By Friday night, Ben looked ragged, and I just wanted to curl up in the back and take a nap. Even though for the last few nights, I had slept surprisingly well.

Running late once again, we had to stop for a quick bite of fast food at a truck stop so we could make up time in the evening after traffic started to clear. Ben was quiet, obviously exhausted and stressed enough because the traffic for the last couple of hours had been a bitch. So I kept to myself or tried to make meaningless conversation.

He picked up a bunch of fries and dunked them in ketchup as his phone buzzed across the table. He stuffed the fries in his mouth and dusted off his hand to catch the phone. “Dad,” he mumbled. “I need to take this. I’ll be right back.”

He kissed my temple and disappeared outside, beyond the chattering of people. My mind lingered on the small kiss. The forbidden hope that there was something more behind the friendly peck. I yearned for that fantasy—for what I couldn’t have. Ben was always my best friend. It hurt to know I couldn’t have more, but it was beyond terrifying to think I might lose the bond I’d just gotten back if I let myself get greedy.

I looked up from my food and was taken aback by a nearby young man blatantly staring at me. I twisted in my seat and fiddled with my drink, watching him out of the corner of my eye, but he didn’t look away. Another man joined him at the table, short and scrawny with a baseball cap on, and the first man smacked him in the arm and gestured toward me.

Oh fuck
. My stomach wanted to eject everything I’d just eaten, but the rest of my body seemed to turn to stone. I was cold and I couldn’t move. I could barely draw in a breath.

They both stood up and I hoped to God they were leaving, but they approached my table, and the first man took Ben’s seat.

You’re in public
, I reminded myself.
There are dozens of people around. Ben will come back any minute
.

“You look familiar,” he said, rubbing his unshaven face.

I shook my head and leaned away from the table.

“No?” He squinted and shrugged. “Probably right, but....”

The man with a cap leaned over the table next to me. He reeked of cigarette smoke, and I held onto the sides of my chair, pleading with my own brain not to send me into a tailspin.

“L-leave m-me alone.”
Damn it
. “I don’t know you, and m-my friend will b-be back.”

“Girl like you shouldn't have to hang around truck stops,” the one wearing a cap said with a wink.

“I'm f-fine.” Why couldn't my mouth work just once?
They're just messing with you
.
Ben will be back
. Where the fuck was he?

“Anything we can help you with,
Kitten
?”

Everything I’d been holding onto inside me shriveled up and left me a stuttering shell. Suddenly, I hoped Ben didn’t come back. “No. L-leave m-m—”

“Well isn't that cute?” The second man gestured toward my white-knuckled hands.

I had grabbed onto the edge of the table to push myself away, but my body was frozen there. Terror oozed through my veins making me useless.

They both snickered.

Jackasses
.

My brain skittered around at a thousand thoughts per second. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't plan. I had nothing. There would be no more running—everything was going to come out.

A hand clasped shoulder, but my jolt of surprise was cut short when his clean smell hit my nose.

“Problem?” Ben asked, leaning his head toward me.

I shook my head and huffed. Before another word could be spoken, I ducked out from under his grasp and ran out the front door straight to his truck. It probably wasn't any safer, since it was locked and I couldn't get in, but at least I could breathe. I leaned against the front of the truck. The domineering cab towered over me, but in some crazy way it offered comfort as I gasped to clean the smell of cigarettes from my brain and steady my quickly spinning and tilting grasp on reality.

Ben

“What the hell?” I asked the two men who'd been harassing Cassie. To say I was angry—even furious would have been a gross understatement. I resisted the urge to bash their heads together and see if there was anything inside.

The man sitting at the table shrugged, but the other crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. “What would you expect?”

“Normally for people not to be assholes to an innocent girl in the middle of a truck stop.”

The man standing across from me raised his eyebrows and snorted. “Right.”

“What's with the attitude?” I asked, leaning over the table toward him.

“You really expect to travel with
her
and just pass her under the radar?” He waved his arm at the door and gave me a sour look.

I shook my head, uncertain that he was talking about anything that made sense. “Just because she's a girl?”

“You don't know?” the seated man finally spoke.

“Know?” I waited for an explanation that wasn’t coated in ambiguous innuendo and misogyny.

He shook his head and skittered away like a cockroach, so I turned back to the taller man.

“Your little seat cover isn’t as innocent as you think.”

“I've known her since she was five,” I spat across the table at the asshole.

He put his hands up and backed away. “Well then, she did some damn good sneaking around.”

I had had enough. Whatever they were thinking or whoever they'd mistaken Cassie for was bullshit and not worth my time. I brushed passed him, but before I could make it out the door, the shorter jerk flicked me on the arm with a piece of paper. I snatched it out of his fingers just to get away and shoved it in my pocket.

Cassie was pacing in front of my rig, as the breeze from the impending cold front whipped her hair around her face.

“You okay?” I asked.

She threw her hands up and started signing so fast I couldn't even begin to figure out what she was saying.

“Cas,” I said, grabbing her flailing arms and pressing her palms together between mine. “Breathe.”

She yanked her hands away and started signing again.

“No, Cas.” I grabbed her wrists. “I need you to talk to me.”

Her lips turned to white lines while she stared me down, but finally, she took a long breath. “It's n-not fair.”

“I know,” I said quietly, taking her by the back of the neck and pulling her to my chest.

“I c-can't even s-stick up for myself.”

“And some people are just dicks and don't care,” I said.

She laid her head against my chest as she slowly calmed. “How am I supposed to do anything if no one ever wants to listen? Even when I try”—she sobbed again—“it's not good enough. People t-t-treat me like an idiot because I'm taking up too much of their time.”

“Cassie,” I took her face between my hands. “Those are the people who aren't worth
your
time. The people who care about you will listen no matter how long it takes.”

“So will the people who just want something.” She jerked away and turned her back to me.

“Cas, you don't think—” Was she accusing me of using her? Or someone else?

She waved a hand at me but refused to turn around. “Just...
people
. We should get back on the road.”

There was something more, but I couldn’t figure out what it might be. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

Glancing over her shoulder, she looked shocked for a moment, then hurt. “No. I just—No.”

I wasn’t convinced.

Cassie headed toward my door, but I caught her arm and she tugged it away.

“I don’t feel like t-talking,” she whispered.

“Okay, but there’s been a change in plan.”

She finally looked up from the ground.

I took a long breath. Now it was my turn to fumble for words. “Mom ran into Liz. She didn’t have the abortion, but my parents know what’s going on and Dad thinks it’d be better if I come home and deal with her. We’re dropping the trailer at the next stop and heading back. We’ll be there day after tomorrow.”

She nodded but didn’t speak.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” I felt like that phrase was on perpetual repeat, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” She shrugged, but her fingernails clicked as she picked at them nervously.

She’d shut down. Completely. I hadn’t seen anything like it since the trial.

“Did they threaten you?” I asked. “Touch you?”

“No, Ben.” She threw her hands up then slapped them against her thighs, but she still refused to meet my gaze. “I just want to leave. Let me in the truck.”

I opened the door and she scurried inside and into the back. By the time I climbed in and filled in my logbook, she reemerged with a pair of headphones and settled into her seat. She wasn’t leaving any opening for me to try to get her to open up again, and within fifteen minutes of being on the road, she was fast asleep.

She was lucky in that respect. I’d kill for any slab to curl up on and sleep. At this rate, I wouldn’t be able to drop the trailer until noon the next day, and then we’d be at least a day away from home. With a girl who didn’t want to talk to me. Going home to a pregnant ex who also didn’t want to talk to me.
Perfect
.

I was damned wherever I went.