Echoes of Dark and Light (16 page)

“Saw, Nurse Davis.”

The grinding of the saw blade against bone gnashed on my eardrums and the room tilt dizzily to the side. I grabbed onto the edges of the stretcher to steady myself, and clamped my eyes tightly closed.

Steady, Bobbi, steady. You’ve never once in your life fainted before, and you’re not going to start now!

“Private!”

I jerked my eyes open to find the patient thrashing on the stretcher. Maddening shrieks of pain tore from his throat. Nurse Davis had thrown herself down on his chest and the other soldier clung to his kicking feet in an effort to keep him still. I shook my head clear and quickly grabbed his flailing arm, his only arm, and pushed my weight down on his head and shoulders.

An orderly appeared at my side, grabbed the chloroform cloth out of my hand and pressed it to the patient’s mouth. Soon, the patient fell quiet, and Dr. Davis sewed the arteries closed with the silk thread. I slowly relaxed my grip while trying to catch my breath. Dr. Davis took the time to aim a loaded glare in my direction, before tossing the mangled arm onto a pile of bloody severed limbs in the corner. I turned and ran from the tent.

I barely reached the bushes before throwing up. Coughing and gagging, I fell to the ground, the world once again spinning around me. The cool evening air brushed my sweating skin in a comforting touch, and I blinked back the tears that seemed determined to flow. I couldn’t get the fellow’s screams out of my ears, his bloody stump out of my head.

I don’t know how long I sat hidden in the bushes. The watery sun disappeared behind the trees and the clammy wet air chilled. Activity slowed slightly in the hospital tent with no more incoming soldiers. I watched as two covered wagons pulled up and loaded men on stretchers. One wagon carried off the wounded, one carted off the dead. The gun shots and cannon fire had ceased from Campbell’s Station, but the smoke hung heavy in the air like a thick fog, burning my eyes and nose. I numbly wondered at the outcome. Had the Blue’s won? What about Woody and Kenny? What about Toby? I hadn’t seen them since noon. I wondered if I would ever see them again.

So, this is what soldiers did, this is what Robert endured for months. Worse than anything I could have imagined, my heart ached for my brother, and for whatever he continued to suffer through right then.

“Hang on, Robert,” I whispered. “I’m coming.”

“Private Rivers?”

Annoyed at the intrusion, I glanced up to find Nurse Davis standing at the edge of my brush hideaway. I didn’t answer her.

Undaunted by my rudeness, she continued. “Feel up for a walk, Soldier?”

I snorted in disbelief, then shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

She waited patiently while I disentangled myself from the shrubs. I stuffed my frozen fingers deep in my pockets and fell in step beside her.

After a few moments, I broke the silence by mumbling that I needed to get back to my unit.

She nodded and motioned that we head in the direction toward the troops.

“So,” she began after a few moments of silence, “how are you holding out?”

I shrugged, not quite sure how to express the storm inside of me, and ninety-nine percent sure that I didn’t feel like discussing it anyway. But she waited expectantly for an answer.

“Sorry about messing up back there.”

She looked at me with her slanted green eyes, a slight smile touching her lips. “You did better than most at a first amputation. I’m embarrassed to admit that I vomited at my first.”

I stole a sideways glance at her to see if she told the truth.

“Honest,” she added, nodding.

We walked on, occasionally passing a group of battered soldiers on their way to the hospital to get minor wounds examined. Neither of us said anything else until we reached a deserted stretch of road. There, she abruptly stopped, and taking a seat on a log, she studied me expectantly.

“What?” I asked, nerves on end with suspicion.

“So, what’s your real name, Private Bobbi Rivers?”

A cold chill moved up my spine. “I don’t know what you mean.”

She smiled confidently. “I bet it’s Roberta.”

Shock delayed my denial which just reinforced her suspicion.

“It is Roberta, isn’t it? You know you’re doing an amazing job portraying a soldier. You even had me convinced at first. May I ask why you’re pretending to be a man?”

Too late, I found my tongue for a protest. “Nurse Davis, I don’t understand. My name is Bobbi, and I
am
a soldier—”

“Oh, but of course. I apologize. People have accused me of playing at my father’s feet in the medical field, not believing a girl, a woman, can be a medical professional. So I can understand your point of view. Of course, you are a soldier—”

“Nurse Davis,” I interrupted, my heart sticking painfully in my throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, really. I’d better get back to my unit.” I stood up and turned to leave.

“You’re very confident to just walk away from someone who knows such a personal and dangerous secret, and not know if you can trust that person.”

That stopped me mid stride. “Is that a threat?”

“No! No, of course not,” she quickly renounced. Then she added with a slightly hesitant offer, “It’s an invitation to be friends.”

My shoulders slumped in exhaustion, not sure of anything anymore. I sunk to the ground, heedless of the damp soaking through my trousers. Everything suddenly seemed to weigh a hundred times more, my clothes, the air, my choices. The weight bore down on my shoulders and I didn’t think I could carry it anymore. Exhaustion dragged at my soul. I thought of my warm, safe bed at home, in the loft next to Robby, covered with the colorful quilt that Gram made with cloth scraps and lots of love. It all seemed so far away, so unreal, so much a wistful dream. I didn’t think I had the energy left to breathe.

I felt a warm insistent hand on my elbow, urging me to my feet. Nurse Davis led me back over to the log where we both sat and watched the stars emerge as the clouds danced away in the chilly breeze.

“I won’t tell anyone your secret,” she whispered. “I promise.”

My spirits had sunk so low that nothing seemed possible anymore. “Why should I believe you? Besides, what does it matter anyway. If you can guess, then so can others. And they have.”

“Others know? I’m surprised. In the short time I’ve known you, I thought you did an amazing job of being a fellow. Who else knows? Oh, I bet your tent mate found out the truth. It would be next to impossible to keep a secret from him.”

“Toby? No, he doesn’t suspect, nor do any of his friends. Even the captain seems to have accepted me.” Then I told her about the blind girl on the train. To my surprise and annoyance, Nurse Davis laughed.

“Listen Bobbi, when a person loses one sense, the others seem to take over, become more intense. That little girl’s sense of touch and smell, her overall awareness of the world around her is far more sensitized than the average person. In fact, I’m a bit doubtful that most people are even aware of anything that happens outside a three foot circle around themselves.”

I turned to face her. “If that’s true, then how did you find out?”

She smiled. “I’ve been trained to study those around me, to look into their eyes, to imagine what’s going on in their hearts, to figure out what they can’t or won’t tell me. It wasn’t until our patient started screaming and thrashing when I saw a fear in your eyes, a fear and compassion and horror and helplessness all together in tear-filled eyes, then I guessed. Trust me, no one else knows what you’re doing.”

“But how do I know if I
can
trust you, Nurse Davis? How do I know you won’t rat me out? How do I know if I even want to continue?”

“First of all, please call me Cora, okay? That’s what friends do. Second, friends also don’t rat out each other. And I would like to be your friend, if you’ll let me. I happen to find you very intriguing. As for your third question, I don’t know your reasons for this masquerade, so I can’t give you my opinions on whether or not you should continue. But it seems if this quest is important enough to have come this far, it may be imperative to see it through to the end.”

Her serene, matter-of-fact tone calmed my frazzled nerves considerably. Her steady grip on the world reminded me a bit of Robert.
Oh, Robert.
For a few incredibly long hours, I had lost a grip on why I had come here. Had Robert gone through a similar validation in his first days as a soldier? Had he lost his composure at the first signs of war? Somehow I doubted it. Robert always handled whatever life threw at him with grace and pride. Then a thought knifed its way into my head. Had Robert suffered a similar fate as one of the patients I’d hauled into the hospital tent today? The thought of Robert writhing in pain and fear as a surgeon sawed off a limb cut through my own heart. I gagged and almost threw up again.
No, no I can’t think that way or I will go crazy with worry. Robert is okay, he has to be; he’s okay and in one piece…
I felt Cora’s eyes studying me. I’d almost forgotten her sitting next to me.

She shook her head slightly in amazement. “I’m sitting here watching this parade of emotions flood across your face: distress, pride, surprise, horror, determination… May I ask what you’re thinking?”

Her polite request differed so greatly than that of society’s usual demanding ‘tell me’, that I actually told her.

“Robert. I’m thinking about Robert.”

“Is he your beau? Did you follow him into battle?”

I burst into a bawdy laugh. Her questions stood so far off the mark that I couldn’t help myself.
Imagine, me chasing after some guy!
But the look of confused hurt silenced the laugh immediately. This Cora’s heart might be as tender as my good friend Emma’s. I had to be a little more sensitive.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed. It’s just that the idea of me coming all the way down here just for some drippy guy is a bit, well, funny.”

“So, Robert isn’t a guy?”

“Yes, Robert is a guy, but he’s not just some beau that I’ve lost my senses over. Robert is my older brother.”

“Oh, I always wished I’d had a brother. Or a sister. So, where is this brother of yours, I’d love to meet him.”

I studied her sincere green eyes, wondering how much to tell her. I couldn’t stand to see the sympathetic look people gave me when I told them. But somehow I had the feeling that Cora might be different.

“Robert is missing and presumed dead,” I said, watching her closely. “But I know he’s not dead, so I’ve come down here to find him.” I held my breath, waiting for the seed of doubt, the look of pity, the utter disbelief. But it didn’t come.

Cora nodded solemnly. “You have to follow your heart.”

“So you don’t think I’m off my rocker?”

She laughed. “Well, I won’t vote either way on that just yet, but as for your brother, I think you are being very honorable. Maybe there’s even something I can do to help. I do have contact with quite a few soldiers and officers, too. Maybe someone has seen him.”

“Are you serious? That would be great! I could use any help I can get. I’m finding that my job is turning out a bit harder than I’d expected.”

“Try not to get discouraged, Bobbi. Practically half of this country’s male population is down here fighting. It is going to take time to find your brother.”

The hope in her eyes glowed with contagious enthusiasm, and I started feeling my own fire start to rekindle. I hesitated a moment, then decided to plunge. “Thanks Cora, I needed that.”

She smiled. “You’re welcome, Bobbi. Everyone needs a bit of support every now and again, even in the best of circumstances. And what we went through today doesn’t even come close to being a good day.”

“You can say that again,” I snorted, grimacing and rubbing my forehead where my brain had started to pound.

“Does your head hurt?” she asked, merging naturally back to the medical side of herself. “Sometimes the heavy smoke will cause a headache, not to mention the excruciatingly loud cannon fire, or even just the stress.”

I nodded. “Or maybe even an approaching monthly visitor.”

Cora laughed. “That’ll do it, too. I can make you some willow bark tea that might help a bit.”

“Thanks, that sounds good.” I paused, feeling a bit awkward. But desperation sometimes tops emotional discomfort, so I plunged ahead. “Actually, I could really use some rags. I don’t suppose you have any extra…” I trailed off embarrassed.

In answer, she dug down in the pockets of her apron and pulled out two handfuls of fresh bandages. She smiled. “I’ve found these work really well. Stick close to me and I’ll keep you well supplied.”

“Thanks.”

“That’s what friends are for.” She stood up. “Well, I’d better be getting back to work. The hospital tent needs to be packed up and ready to go by morning.”

“What happens in the morning?”

“The Army is heading for Knoxville.”

“Oh, I’d better get back to my group then.”

“We’ll talk more later?”

She asked the question casually, but I could see the intensity in her face. Cora needed a friend. So did I.

“Definitely!”