Edsel Grizzler (17 page)

‘So when I came here, I had to choose between staying in Verdada with my Heart's Greatest Desire, or going back to … to that.'

‘And what was your Desire? Can you tell me? Do you remember?'

‘Oh yes, I do now, and it was so simple. To communicate with my parents and my sister and my friends again. But that's the problem. To have that I have to stay here.'

‘Oh,' Edsel said, seeing the situation clearly for what it was. ‘And can you communicate with them back there, even though you're in a coma?'

She shrugged. ‘How would I know? That was my Desire, but I have to stay in Verdada, and I miss my family, and … and I think I'd rather have just died, you know? At least then …' As her voice cracked and trailed away, Edsel found himself swallowing, and blinking a lot.

‘Couldn't you desire something else, just to make life a bit more interesting here? Like being able to fly, or breathe underwater or something amazing like that. I mean, if you have to be stuck here anyway …'

She looked at him with red, puffy eyes. ‘Robert, don't you see? You can't just choose something to be your Heart's Greatest Desire. Either it is, or it isn't, and you can't pretend.'

‘Why not?'

‘Because that's not how it works.'

‘But if you could have both …'

‘To have both.' Her eyes glistened, and she was almost smiling again.
‘That
would be some Desire.'

‘Robert.'

Edsel turned his head. Man was standing there at the edge of the sand, his suit reflecting the bright sun, and Jacq immediately twisted away and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

‘What do you want?' Edsel asked.

‘Richard wishes to see you. Now.' Man turned and walked away a short distance.

Jacq's voice was so sad that if made Edsel's skin feel suddenly cold. ‘I really,
really
wish you'd never scanned that card.'

S
o, Robert, talk to me,' Richard said, leaning back. The chest between them was empty, but the room felt strangely full, with Man standing behind Richard's couch, and the awareness of why they were meeting hanging between them.

‘Talk to you about what?'

Richard smiled. ‘You know what. The card you found. Do you have it here?'

There was no point in lying, and Edsel took the card from his pocket and held it out. Richard didn't reach for it, so Edsel simply laid it on the top of the chest.

‘Any reason why you scanned it, when it said quite clearly that it was classified?' Richard asked. ‘It even says “Do not scan”. It is pretty clear.'

‘I was just curious. Honestly, Richard, that's all it was – curiosity.'

‘And what did you discover?'

‘It wouldn't let me in.'

‘Of course not. But you still got in, didn't you?'

‘Um …'

‘It's okay, Robert. We know that you now have information about Jacqueline. It's nothing that she didn't already know about herself, even if she mightn't have understood it terribly well.'

‘So you're not angry?'

Richard smiled again. ‘No, Robert. Our processes are pretty good, but sometimes things get into the wrong places. After all, you were working with pens, correct? And you found a card that was clearly marked as secret, so it was obviously some kind of mistake. So, Robert, if you do come across one of these classified objects again in the future, would you kindly do the right thing and return it as soon as possible?'

‘Yes, of course,' Edsel said. ‘And I'm sorry.'

Richard raised his hands. ‘It's forgotten.'

‘I did it, Robert,' Ben said, moving one of his pawns two squares forward. ‘And it's true. What you said is right. We're all lost. We don't just sort lost things – we
are
Lost Things.'

‘You looked yourself up?' Edsel asked, his voice low.

‘I couldn't help it. My memory was all … pale, and I couldn't quite remember, so I went back into the system. I didn't really want to, but I had to know. And now I kind of wish I didn't.'

‘What did you find out?'

‘It was all there in my file, and it all came back, even stuff that wasn't in the file. It was such a stupid accident.'

‘What happened?'

‘Me and this other boy got hold of some fireworks, and we were playing with them, being idiots. You know, taking them apart, making them bigger, combining them, creating these monster crackers. Then my friend decided to do something, and I realised how dumb and dangerous it was, and I told him not to do it. I said, “Seriously, dude, don't do that”, but he did do it, and …' Ben pointed to his blank eyes. ‘That's what happened.'

‘But the other guy was fine?'

‘Yeah, perfectly fine. But I lost … my sight.'

‘Okay, but how were
you
lost?'

Ben scratched his leg as he thought about how he should say it. ‘I got angry, and it was a bit like Jacq, you know? It sounds corny, but I think I was lost to my parents. They lost me, not because I died or anything, but because they couldn't get through to me anymore.'

‘So what was your Desire? Are you stuck here like Jacq, wanting to go back and fix things between you and your family, but not being able to because you have to stay here?'

Ben shook his head, and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘No, it's much worse than that. My Desire wasn't to stay. It was for revenge.'

‘Oh.'

‘And it came true. That boy who blinded me is blind too, now. It's in the file.'

‘Oh,' said Edsel. ‘That's pretty big.'

‘Yeah. And I feel terrible, and I wish I'd never gone into the system to find out, because I reckon I'll probably think about it every day now forever. Forever young in a place of forever feeling guilty. Some slogan.'

‘You're seriously going to do this?' Jacq asked.

‘I have to know if it can be done,' Edsel replied, glancing over his shoulder at the Domus. They were still alone, and safe to talk. ‘I have to know if I'm the only one.'

‘I don't think you are, but I don't think you can do anything about it.'

‘I need to know how many of the others wonder about this stuff.'

‘Why?' Jacq asked. ‘Why do you have to know?'

‘Because if I'm the only one I'll accept it. But if everyone thinks it, maybe something can change.'

Jacq sighed. ‘Do you have any idea how long Verdada has been doing what it does?'

Edsel shook his head. ‘No. How long?'

‘That's my point! No one does, Robert! But it's longer than you or I have been around. So what makes you think you're the one who can change it?'

‘I don't even know if I
do
want to change it. I just want to know, that's all. Is that such a bad thing, wanting to know?'

‘Of course not,' Jacq said. ‘But think about all the stuff you don't know. There's so much! What will happen to the balance of things?'

‘I don't know.'

‘What will happen to all the lost stuff if Verdada stops working the way it does?'

‘I don't know.'

‘What will happen to you or me?'

‘I don't know. But don't you think it would be okay to at least ask?'

‘So what do you need?'

‘I need as many as possible to come to the Common Room. Tomorrow, at five.'

‘Does it have to be everyone?'

‘Jacq, all we'll be doing is talking.'

Edsel Grizzler took a deep breath. The Common Room was almost full, and it was time to speak.

‘Don't,' Ben warned. ‘I'm begging you, Robert, don't do this.'

‘I'm sorry, but I have to. All right, listen up,' he said in a louder voice, and a gradual quiet spread across the crowd of kids. A couple of the older ones had to shush the littlies, but eventually everyone was listening.

‘I know what we've all been told, but I wonder if we've been fooled,' Edsel began. ‘When we came here we were given a choice – to go home, or to accept our Heart's Greatest Desire, whatever that might be. And obviously we all chose to stay, didn't we?'

Most of the kids nodded, while a couple looked around blankly. It was hard for some to understand what was happening, but Edsel pressed on, hoping it would become clearer for those who were slow to catch on.

‘But I've been thinking that maybe we chose too quickly. Who thinks they might have chosen too quickly?'

A number of hands shot up, while a few others went up more slowly.

‘How many of you think it's a bit unfair to expect us to agree to stay here forever?'

A few more hands were raised.

‘I know that after time we forget where we came from, and what life was like before. I don't know why that is, but most of us find it hard to remember what our families were like, or what our parents even looked like. It seems that that's what happens in Verdada, and because we forget, we accept it.'

A low murmur ran through the group.

‘I'm thinking about telling the Mira that some of us want to go back.'

‘Who?' asked Henrietta, with the sunburnt skin.

‘Anyone who wants to. I'm starting to think that we've been tricked, and maybe if we gave it a bit of thought, we'd all realise that what many of us
really
want is to go home. Joe, tell me, do you remember what happened just before you came to Verdada?'

‘I was camping with my mum and dad and brother. We were in the bush.'

‘And what happened?'

‘I wandered off, then I fell down a bit of a cliff thing and broke my leg. See, it's all crooked—'

‘I know, I've seen it,' said Edsel. ‘And did you die?'

Joe looked puzzled. ‘I don't think so.'

‘So you were lost in the bush, and you came here, and you chose to stay because …'

‘They've got a jumping castle here. And other cool stuff, too.'

‘Don't you miss your family? Isn't your Heart's Greatest Desire to see your family again?'

‘Maybe,' Joe replied, scratching his head. ‘I don't really remember.'

‘And you?' Edsel said, pointing to Henrietta. ‘You were lost too, weren't you?'

‘I guess so. I fell out of my dad's fishing boat, and they couldn't find me, even though I had a life-jacket.'

‘So you were lost at sea. That's why you're all sunburnt. Don't you want to go back and be found?'

Henrietta looked across at Joe, as if she needed permission to answer. ‘I thought about it, but I couldn't,' she said at last. ‘If I did, I'd still be lost … or something. But if I stayed, I could choose another thing.'

‘And what did you choose?'

‘This. Verdada. But I'd still like to see my mum and dad and sister.'

Edsel turned next to Lloyd, the latest addition to Ver-dada, who was standing to one side looking rather bemused by these new events. ‘And Lloyd, you told me that your father lost you because …'

‘Because he kept drinking even after he was told not to.'

‘Right. And what was your Desire?'

‘I haven't chosen yet.'

‘But what do you think it will be?'

‘For my dad to stop drinking. Then I can stay with him.'

‘But Lloyd, don't you see?' Edsel said ‘You can't have that unless you agree to stay here. You can't go back to play happy families with your dad unless you say you'll stay here. You have to stay
here
! Can't you see how that's impossible?'

Another murmur rose up as a few more of the kids began to see the problem.

‘Stop it!' Ben shouted, standing up suddenly. ‘Stop it! Stop confusing everyone, Robert!'

‘I'm not,' Edsel protested.

‘You are!'

‘No, I'm trying to make things clear to them! Ben, I thought you'd understand better than anyone after what you told me before.'

‘But can't you see that none of these kids had a choice?' Ben said. ‘They could go back, and still be lost, or they could stay here and settle for something else.'

‘But that's exactly what I mean!' Edsel shot back. ‘Why do we have to choose? Why do we have to
settle
for anything? How come the Mira or Richard or whoever can say you can have this or that, but not both?'

‘Because those are the rules! It's all written down!'

‘But what if we don't like the rules?' Edsel asked.

Ben's voice was strained.
‘What if we don't like the rules?
I guess we do this. We try to break them. But think! What if that means we lose what we have, and spend forever feeling terrible about it? Or worse?'

‘So you're afraid of losing what we've got? Is that it?'

‘Basically,' Ben replied, and a number of the others nodded their agreement.

‘What if we say the rules should change, or we'll stop sorting? If the Mira can make food appear in the middle of the night, and can create wind with wind turbines that are powered by other wind turbines, and can find a way to return elastic bands and paper clips and passports and … and
slippers,
why can't they find a way to return some of us? Aren't we more important than slippers?'

‘What are you going to do?' someone called out.

‘I'm going to talk to the Mira.'

‘That's just crazy,' Ben said, shaking his head. ‘No one talks to the Mira.'

‘Why not? Because they won't let us, or because no one's ever tried? Or is it because you're afraid to try? Come on, Ben, you hacked into the system twice, but now you're getting all weak?'

Ben sat back down. He had no reply, and after a few moments of silence, Edsel spoke again. ‘Who'd like me to talk to the Mira?'

Once again, a number of hands flew up, and others went up more slowly, more uncertainly.

‘It's crazy,' Ben repeated.

‘Maybe, but I'm going to do it anyway. All right, I'll let you know how I get on.'

The crowd of children began to disperse. Groups were talking, discussing, some were arguing. Edsel tried not to feel responsible for the arguing, although it was hard not to. They hadn't been arguing before – in fact, he couldn't remember seeing anyone quarrelling in Verdada. Until now. And he'd made it happen.

‘I just want you to know that I don't agree with what you're planning to do,' said Ben. ‘It won't work, and all you'll do is upset people.' He turned his head slightly to one side, listening. ‘And they
are
upset. I can already hear them, Robert.'

‘Ben, every time you call me that, I wonder who you're talking to. Can you just call me Edsel!'

Ben stood up and turned to leave the room. ‘It doesn't matter what you're called – you're still making a huge mistake.'

‘Yes, a very, very grave mistake,' said Richard, who had appeared in the doorway. ‘Robert, I think we need to have another discussion, don't you?'