Elephant in the Sky (19 page)

Once the waitress had left, we dug into our dinners. Grace was quiet for a moment, chewing thoughtfully. I wondered what was going on in her head.

“Mom?” she asked once she'd had a few bites. “I have one more question.”

“Okay, honey. Anything you want.” I braced myself.

“When can I see him?”

It was the only question I wasn't prepared to answer. Over the past week, Nate had slowly started to show signs of improvement. He was eating again, and far less agitated than he had been. The doctors had even moved him to the regular psych ward, which was less intense than the Psychiatric ICU where he'd been for the first few days.

But the medication hadn't fully kicked in, and he was still paranoid and delusional. There was no more talk of monsters or the radio, but Nate still said things that clearly demonstrated he wasn't thinking clearly.

After hearing what Grace had been thinking and feeling over the past week, I had no idea if seeing him might make things easier for her or more difficult. The whole ordeal with Nate had handed me the most complicated parenting uncertainty I'd ever experienced. I had no idea which answer was best.

“Mom? Did you hear me? I asked you when I can see Nate. I want to go and see him … and I know just who we can bring with us. You know, to make him feel better.”

I looked my daughter straight in the eyes.

“Okay, Grace. We'll go tomorrow.”

46

Nate

I'm bored. I'm sick of this room. I feel like I've been in it forever.

Dad is with me. He's sitting beside my bed and reading a magazine. He brought some stuff for me too. I guess that was nice of him, but I don't feel like doing anything. I'm too tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I'm so sleepy all of the time. Even right when I wake up.

And I feel sick, too. Like I have the flu and am going to puke, but I never do. And it won't go away. I feel like I've been sick for days.

“Hey champ,” Dad says. “Why don't you read one of the comic books I brought you? How about that new superhero one I found?”

I shrug. I don't feel like it.

“Here,” Dad says. He stands up and hands me the magazine. I take it and open it to the first page. It is a story about Spider-Man. I start reading. I can't believe it! The story is about
me
! Spider-Man is talking to
me
in the story! No wonder Dad wanted me to read it so much. He knew the story was about me.

I look over the comic book and give Dad a big thumbs up. He smiles at me and I laugh back. I love this book!

I start reading again, and Spider-Man is telling me that everything will be okay. That it is good I am eating my food again. It is no longer poisonous. But Spider-Man is telling me to be careful of the nurse wearing navy blue.

“That nurse. The one wearing navy blue. She'll hurt you if you're ever alone with her. She will kill you,” Spider-Man says to me in the bubble above his cartoon head. “Do not ever be left alone with her. Or you will die. And I will not be able to save you.”

My feet start to feel prickly because I'm so scared. I put the comic book down on my chest and look quickly around the room for a nurse wearing navy blue. I look everywhere I can, but can't see inside the bathroom. She could be in there, so I get out of bed and walk quickly to the door. I'm scared, but I force myself to look inside.

No one is there.

“What are you doing, bud? Do you have to go to the bathroom?” Dad calls out.

“No. I'm just checking for something.”

“Checking for what?” Dad asks me. He's behind me. I lift up the toilet seat to see if there is a nurse wearing navy blue inside.

“Nurses. Wearing navy blue.”

“Bud, I don't think they are in there.”

I whip the shower curtain back, convinced there will be a nurse standing there, holding a knife. Or maybe a gun. No, probably not those. What would a nurse use to kill me?
Of course!
A nurse wouldn't use a knife or a gun — that would create too much blood. They would just use drugs with poison in them.

I make a mental note to
not
take any drugs from a nurse wearing navy blue.

“Come on, dude. Let's go back to the room,” Dad said. His voice is shaking. He looks sad again.

I follow Dad back to my bed because I don't want to tell him about the nurses who are going to poison me with drugs. That would only make him worry more. And I know Daddy and Mommy are already really stressed out and worried. I don't want to make it worse.

I climb back into my bed, and pick the comic book back up to find out what else I should worry about. Just as Spider-Man is telling me that I need to find codes in the book to know what else will kill me, Mommy walks into the room with Grace and Noah.

“Nate!” Grace cries, running to my bed. “I've
missed
you!” She jumps on top of me and gives me a big hug. I see Mommy smile at Dad.

“Mom says nothing hurts you,” Grace said, stepping down from my bed. “Is that true? Does your throat hurt or anything?”

I shake my head. I'm happy to see my sister. And Noah too! I'm so happy Mommy brought Noah to see me. It's because she knew it would make me feel so happy to see him. It feels like it has been forever.

“Dude,” Noah says, stepping forward. “What's up?” I know he's asking how I am.

“I'm okay, I guess.”

“I brought you a new game for your Nintendo 3DS,” Grace says, handing me a cartridge. “And Olson too! Look, Nate … it's your favourite teddy bear from when you were little.”

“Sweet! Thanks,” I say, taking the beat-up bear from her. I haven't seen him in a long time, and don't know where she even found him. I slept with Olson every night when I was six. And a bit when I was seven, but I didn't want Noah to know. “What's the game?”

“The new Super Mario Bros. U,” Grace answers. “I bought it this morning with Mom.”

“Awesome. Thanks!” I tear open the package. “Can I play it now?”

“Why don't you wait for a bit, Bean? We want to visit with you,” Mom answers. I frown. I'm happy to see them, but I want to play my new game, too.

“Okay,” I answer. “I guess.”

“I brought you some other stuff,” Grace says. “Here. I got you your favourite candy.”

I take the bag Grace hands me and open it to find Sour Patch Kids and Nibs. I tear the Sour Patch Kids open and start eating the red ones first.

“Candy at ten-thirty in the morning?” Mom asks, laughing. “I guess it's okay. Just this once.”

I dump the candy out on the tray, and Noah, Grace, and I eat it quickly. It's gone fast. I open the Nibs and we devour those too.

“So what's it like here?” Noah asks with his mouth full of Nibs. I wait for Mom to tell him to stop talking with his mouth full of food, but she doesn't. It's weird, because she always cares about that. I guess it is because Noah isn't her son.

“Some people are really weird. One guy makes chicken noises. There is a girl who never talks, ever.”

“Totally weird,” Grace responds.

“Tell us about other weird people,” Noah says.

“They aren't
al
l
weird. Some are nice.”

“Like who?”

“Well, I meet with this nice lady all the time … Dr. Aldridge. She's cool, I guess.” I look around me, and then say quietly, “But not all of the nurses are okay. You have to stay away from the ones wearing navy blue. They will kill you.”

Grace's eyebrows shoot to the top of her head. She looks confused. And a bit scared.

“Nate, honey, that's not true. The nurses here … all of the nurses at this hospital … they're here to help you. You don't have to be afraid of any of them.”

“Yes, you do! Spider-Man
told
me! Not all nurses are bad, but some will really kill you. The ones wearing navy blue.”

“The ones wearing navy blue, huh?” Noah laughs hard. “I'll be sure to stay away. I don't want to mess with anyone crazy.”

“They'll kill me?” Grace asks. Her face is white.

“No sweetie,” Mommy says. She turns so she can't see me, and looks right at Noah and Grace. She is talking quietly. “Remember what we talked about? Some things aren't true.”

Grace nods. Noah shrugs. Mommy switches the conversation. “What did you have for breakfast this morning, Bean?”

“Dad brought me pancakes that he made at home. With chocolate chips. They were awesome!”

“Glad you liked them, bud,” Dad replies. He smiles.

“How about a movie?” Mom asks. “Do you guys want to watch one together? I brought my iPad, and it's loaded with new movies.” Mom takes her iPad out of her red bag.

“Okay. Nate can pick,” Grace answers.

“That's very nice of you, sweetie,” Mom says. She opens her iPad and puts it on my bed. Grace and Noah get in beside me. We're squished, but it's okay. I like being with my sister and my best friend again.

Grace leans into me and whispers in my ear. “You know why she wants us to watch a movie, right?”

I shake my head, barely able to hear her.

“Don't you get it?” Grace whispers. She gets louder with each word she says. “Mom and Dad want you to stop talking about crazy nurses wearing navy blue. Because then you can come home. So stop it. Just stop it already. Stop talking about the nurses wearing navy blue. I want you to come home with me.”

47

Ashley

“I think that went fairly well, don't you?” I asked Pete quietly as he shrugged himself into his winter coat and got ready to leave. We'd made the decision to not miss Grace's practices because of what was happening with Nate. We knew we needed to keep our routine as normal as possible, so Pete was going to take on driving duty for Grace while I stayed with Nate.

“As well as it could have, I guess.”

“I didn't really know what to expect. But I think it went okay.”

“I guess that's one of the worst parts about all of this. You never really know what to expect with Nate. Some days he's okay, and others he's not.”

“At least he didn't act too strangely,” I responded. I turned to look at the kids. They'd just devoured the pizza Pete had gone to pick up for lunch, and Grace was showing Nate how to make it past the next level on her favourite iPad game, Subway Surfers.

“So cool!” Nate cried. “I didn't know you could do that.”

“C'mon, you guys,” I said, interrupting. “Dad's ready to go.”

As everyone said goodbye to each other, I marvelled at how normal it seemed. They could have been parting ways on any regular day.

Once the others had left and Nate and I were alone, I asked him what he wanted to do.

“Subway Surfers!” he said. “I'm getting so good.”

“Okay. You can play for a bit longer. And then we'll get ready to go to our meeting with Dr. Aldridge. We need to be there in about half an hour.”

I opened my laptop and focused on getting through my pile of email. I had thirty minutes to plough through as much as I could.

I was just typing a response to Ben with feedback on the new creative he'd sent to me for approval when Nate started screaming. I'd never heard someone so frightened.

A nurse I'd never met before had just walked into Nate's hospital room, carrying his meds and a cup of water. Her eyes widened at Nate's bloodcurdling scream and she immediately dropped the water. It splashed everywhere and she slipped in it when she stepped forward, tumbling onto her back.

Nate kept screaming. “Nate, honey, why are you screaming?” I said as I rushed over to help the nurse.

“I'm sorry,” the nurse cried, jumping up. “They told me he was fairly stable. I'm new to psych and wasn't expecting that.”

The nurse unsuccessfully tried to gather her composure over Nate's screams. As I tried to figure out what had set off my son, I grabbed a towel off the end of the bed and started wiping up the water. The nurse reached for the tablets that had fallen and put them back in the cup, saying she'd be back after getting Nate a new cup of water and fresh pills.

As soon as she was gone, Nate stopped screaming.

I ran over to my son and took him in my arms. “Baby, what's wrong? Why did you do that?”

“That nurse. She's wearing navy blue. She's going to
kill me
,” Nate whispered. His voice was shaking and he was breathing hard.

“Honey, no … she won't kill you. She's here to help you.”

“No! Spider-Man told me so. In the comic book. I have to stay away from them. All of them. The ones wearing navy blue.”

“She's gone now. It's just you and me. And babe, you need to take your meds.”

“No!” he cried. “
Not
those ones. They're filled with poison.”

“Sweetie, they're not …”

“Yes, they are! And I won't take them. No matter what.” Nate pursed his lips and kept them tightly closed.

“Your meds will help you, Nate. It's why you're starting to feel a bit better.”

“I'm not feeling better. Not at all! I feel sick all of the time. And my brain feels like it's mushy. I can't think properly. Sometimes I can't even read. It's like I forget how to.”

I sighed, holding Nate tight. I decided to stop pushing for a minute. In my incessant need for information, I'd read all about kids not wanting to take their medication. It was for a variety of reasons, but most commonly for the side effects I knew Nate was experiencing. In many ways, it was a lose-lose situation. I understood why Nate didn't want to feel so crummy, but without the meds he would never be better.

Just as Nate's breathing returned to normal, the nurse came back into the room and Nate started screaming again. “Get out! Get out of here! I know what you want to do, and I won't let you!”

“It's okay,” I said to the nurse. “Would you mind going, though? I'll come out in a bit and let you know what's going on.”

The nurse nodded, setting down the cup of water and tablets before she left. Nate picked up the water and dumped it down the sink, then flew into my arms, sobbing.

I stroked his back and sang his favourite song, just as I'd done his whole life when he needed to calm down. “
You are my sunshine …
”

When he finally calmed down and I was convinced he'd be okay for a few minutes, I left his room to find the nurse.

“It's the colour of your uniform,” I explained to the group of nurses who were behind the desk. Given the rotation, I didn't know any of them very well, and I missed Addy. “My son, he's afraid of navy blue scrubs for some reason.”

“It's okay,” a nurse named Cayenne piped up. She gave me a bright smile. “We're used to our patients being afraid of different things. Until the fear ends, we'll be sure to avoid sending in nurses wearing blue.”

“Thank you,” I said gratefully.

“Hello everyone,” came a familiar voice from behind me. I turned to see Dr. Aldridge, and was thankful to see that she was dressed in regular clothes. Ones that weren't blue. “Is Nate ready for our session? I've been waiting for him.”

Cayenne explained what had happened, and Dr. Aldridge nodded. “Let's chat with Nate in his room today, shall we? Less chance of seeing another nurse wearing the wrong colour.”

I followed Dr. Aldridge into the room, and she asked Nate to chat with her for a bit. He climbed out of bed and opted for his beanbag chair that Pete had brought from home. I settled into the chair I had been sitting in all afternoon.

“Mrs. Carter?” Dr. Aldridge asked. “Would you mind going to get some coffee? Maybe come back in about an hour or so?

“Oh, sure. Of course,” I replied. I stood and walked over to Nate. “Will you be okay if I leave you with Dr. Aldridge for a bit?”

“Okay.”

“I think we'll have a good chat,” Dr. Aldridge responded through her consistent warm smile. “But first we need you to take your medication. Will you take it if I give it to you?”

“I guess.”

“That's good, Nate. I'll go and get some water so you can take it before we start.” Dr. Aldridge picked up his tablets and left the room. She returned shortly holding a bottle of water. She had put the meds in different colour cup.

Nate took the medicine from Dr. Aldridge. She watched him to make sure he completely swallowed it. When she was convinced he'd taken the meds, she motioned for me to go.

As I left the room, Dr. Aldridge started the session. “Nate, tell me about how you're feeling today …”