Eluding Nirvana (The Dark Evoke Series Book 2) (20 page)

With an exasperated shake of my head, I gestured toward to entrance, muttering, “Six degrees of separation is everywhere you
turn.”

Shuffling
into the warmth of the establishment, we were instantly drowned by pristine cream walls and bright white light from the hanging candelabras, the glow reflected off the surface of the surrounding mirrors and glass paneled doorways which lead into a more intimate, smaller dining area. Patrons sat at their crisp white covered tables, adorned with fresh white lilies in the center as glistening crystal glasses waited to be filled.

T
he maître d' led the way, weaving past scattered tables as we made our way through the bistro, where we emerged in the smaller dining area. Four spacious wrought iron candelabras hung from wooden beams, while a bar extended across the length of the right wall. Square tables were covered in the same crisp, white lining cloths and decorated with beautiful, white lilies just as they were in the larger room. This area may have been intimate; the glow may have been subtler, though it didn’t lack elegance by any means.

My paranoia whispered taunting words when
I sighted Liam and Liv, once again, in hushed conversation when we made our way to join them. He was smiling and nodding at something she had said, when his eyes became rigid as gestured toward us with a tip of his brow.

Rising from his seat
as we neared, he snaked his left arm around my waist, drawing me into his side. “Kady,” his barely audible voice became even fainter as his lips slanted over mine. The maître d' scuttled off back to his position by the time I lowered myself into the waiting seat.

“Laurie, Walker,” he nodded his acknowledgement to each of our little party as they took their
places opposite.

“Boss,” Walker
responded, mirroring his nod. It still seemed strange hearing someone calling my boyfriend boss.

I introduced the Irishman to Liv, who extended her arm over the
table for a friendly handshake, before she went back to focusing on Liam. “Shall we browse and order then?” she asked, handing us each a menu, and it was one of the best suggestions I had heard all day. I was famished.

Within minutes, the young waiter was signaled over to our table of five, with his notepad and pen in hand
.

“We will have two of the grilled New Zealand venison, one of the deviled eggs with house smoked salmon and caper aioli, and two of the garlic roast chicken.”

Liam had barely finished placing the order when I looked up at the young, smartly dressed gentleman and added, “Extra garlic––” The entire table fell into a deathly silence when my words were shadowed by Walker’s reiteration. Our eyes locked across the table as shy smiles danced across our features. How could something so innocent, feel so illicit?

“Not another self-confessed garlic freak,” Laurie
jeered, her tone playful. Even so, her speech was merely a muffle in my ears as Walker and I continued examining each other. “How did I not know that about you?”

Flailing my head and lifting my shoulders,
I was becoming somewhat nervous about the reaction this could prompt in Liam. Yes, it was a trivial chancing, but it was something that I had in common with another
male
. Taking into consideration that he thought I was flirting with his employee the last time I was in his company, I didn’t like the chances that he would possibly twist something in that head of his, and insinuate I was doing it again. Or maybe I was and I just couldn’t see it.

Either way
, I wasn’t going to continue standing on the railway tracks while I waited for Freight Train Liam to come hurling toward me. As a result, I tore my gaze away from the man smirking affectionately ahead of me and hung my head low. For my own peace of mind, I remained mute with my focus aimed into my lap while the waiter scurried off to the kitchen.

“So, Kady how’s the baking coming along?” Laurie questioned over the table, placing her fork into her left hand
and retrieving her glass of Shiraz, taking a welcome sip.

“Really well actually; you were right. It is relaxing.” I craned
my head to the man sitting at my right with that deviled egg on his plate dredging up some difficult memories. In spite of everything, I locked them back in the steel encased box at the back of my memory, and only focused on the behavior I demonstrated that monstrous night, which resulted in my fate. I wouldn’t act that way again. “Liam’s enjoying them, too.” I forced a grin.

“You know, there
are courses you can go on to further those skills, Kady.”

“
Further?” so much caution dripped from that lone word.

“There are
plenty of courses which help teach the art of
actually
decorating them. They usually only run for a few weeks, but they teach you everything you need to know.”

“You know,” Liam interjected, pointing and waving his fork
in a loose grasp, in Laurie’s direction. “That is a really good idea.”

“I don’t know, I don’t think I’d be very good around new people. I––”

“Kady, this could really open up some doors for you. I think it’s an amazing idea.”

“But what about––”

“No, don’t worry your pretty little head over it. I’ll sort out everything,” he winked.

And j
ust like that, I felt that same fisted, irate feeling consume me when I realized that, once again, I didn’t have a choice in this. This wasn’t a decision I could make, it wasn’t a decision I was being
allowed
to make. What made it even worse: Liam was going to be the one forking out the costs for all of this…failure wasn’t going to be an option. In that lapsing moment, I dreaded the consequences of if I did indeed fail.

The fork was carefully set to the side of my plate as my hand lifted to my throat.
I couldn’t sit there for a moment longer, I felt like I was being smothered, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t focus on anything other than being forced into something which should have been optional, instead, Liam had just made it mandatory. My head was fogging, my breathing ragged.

All I desperately wanted was to just slam my hands down on that crisp white table and tell everyone to back the fuck off, that it was
my
life,
my
options, and
my
fucking decisions. Oxygen caught in my throat, the buzzing in my ears made my vision shake. I had to get away. Urgently.

“I need to use the restroom,” I excused myself, and slipped my clutch purse under my arm as I headed to the privacy of the ladies
with one sole purpose.

I locked myself in one of the empty stalls, f
eeling like some fugitive. With the toilet seat lowered, I perched myself on the edge and folded myself over to frantically empty the contents of my purse over the cream tiled flooring, totally uncaring of the thunderous clattering. Cell phone…purse…cards…bills…

The inner-side zipper was hastily
opened, and I yanked out a small, metal nail file and held it between my fingers like it was my lifeline––the silver edge reflecting the overhead halogens. Breathing still rough and my thoughts still clouded, I shunted myself from the toilet, undid my jeans and lowered them over my hips, down to mid-thigh.

Panic and
alarm, trepidation and angst, so many overwhelming emotions surged through my body, making me physically tremble and heated tears gathered in my eyes. He took it away from me…again, and in the presence of our friends…

I didn’t feel like a grown woman. Dammit, I was twenty-five but made to feel like a reduced being that needed her actions in life dictated at every turn.
I needed it back; I needed something I had power over, something I could manage.

With that sole thought, that one purpose,
I pressed the shiny hooked edge of the file against my thigh. But it didn’t help. My head was still a haze of anger and resentment, so I pressed it in deeper. Still nothing I frantically sought was regained.

I needed, even just for an idle moment,
to feel and salvage that sliver of control.

I felt the abrasi
on of the file slipping and grazing between the surfaces of my fingertips as I pushed the implement into my leg with exacting force.

H
arder…

A slow burning and a somewhat bruising sensation began to
encircle the area being gradually impaled.

Tears fell; yet
, I pushed harder…

Stifling a whimper,
I tipped my head back. There it was: that sharp stabbing sensation. The burning of my flesh circled around the skewer as I speared it into my thigh. It hurt like Hell––a raw, tender throbbing, which soon radiated down the tissue of my leg in regularity of the pulse in my neck. I’d reached my limit.

Breathe in…breathe out…in…out…slowly…methodically…

Gradually decreasing the pressure which I bore upon the tool with each stable and balanced inhalation, the racing, unsteady thoughts began to stabilize and regulate. I was drawn back; the pain was my lighthouse in the dark, overpowering tide of the stormiest seas.

My eyes closed as twin tears glided down my cheeks, and
I sunk into my moment of tranquility and lucidity. My grip on the file released sending it plummeting and clattering onto the tile of the stall.

As I sa
t back in the privacy of the restroom stall, my head dropped forward. Concrete may well had been coating my arms with how weighed down they felt. While I sank back into the world around me, my feet tingling against the solidity of the ground beneath them, I felt, for a brief moment, serene, unperturbed and gratified that
I
was the one who had control, for that one diminutive moment.

“What happened, you get lost in there, Kady?” Walker joked as I rejoined our little party, taking my seat opposite him.

The tender wince and a soft catching of air in my throat were ignored, when Liam set his hand on the tender
puncture of my right thigh. “You okay?” he asked.

Once I muttered that I was fine,
‘I’m sexy and I know it’
, began to resonate from Liv’s phone. God she really was self-assured. Damn…was I ever like that? She didn’t bother excusing herself to take the call, she simply answered from the comfort of her seat, and I found my subtle gaze centering on Walker who was frowning at me for some God forsaken reason. It was as if he could see through my pretense, could notice that I had to take care of a need that was no longer optional for me. When I rubbed the nape of my neck with my left hand and offered a tiny, tightlipped grin, the creases in his forehead began to loosen and his mouth, coated in prickly scruff, began to lift as he nodded his head.

“
Damn you, Benny,” she hissed with a jab of her thumb on the ‘end-call’ button and stuffed it into her purse. “I’m so sorry. Looks like I’m going to have to leave you all to your devices. One of the girls is sick so I’ve been called in,” she muttered rearing from her seat and shrugged on her little denim jacket.

“You need a lift?”

“A lift would be fantastic, thank you, Liam.”

“You know, maybe we should all call it a night. It’s getting kind of late anyway.”
I began to shift from my seat when Liam’s hand crashed down on my shoulder, halting my intention.

“The n
ight is still young,” he smiled. “Here,” the credit card was fished out of his wallet then placed into my palm. “I’ll take Liv, you settle the bill, and you two,”––his gaze lifted to Laurie and Walker. Pointing his finger, he tethered them with an invisible line–– “show my girl a good time. She deserves it.”

Walker nodded his acknowledgment, “Boss.”

“I mean it, if she’s home before midnight, I’ll know she didn’t have a good time and you’ll be fired.”

The words Liam spoke had stunned me. I was in a w
ary yet slightly gratified daze. The clashing of silverware on plates and generalized chitchat that engulfed the restaurant, fell away, only to be replaced by a galling, muffled buzzing. My protective and possessive boyfriend was giving permission to the man, who was one of the reasons for his last vile deed, to show me a good time? Deep down in the pit of my gut and floating around in my mind was one query: was this some kind of test? I didn’t know. I didn’t know what the right answer to this conundrum was. Either way, I knew I was fucked.

As Walker held his hands up in
a gesture of defeat and stated, “No need to tell me twice, Boss,” Liam’s tall body had already leaned down and planted a swift kiss on my head.

As I sat back in the padded chair, he towered over me, eclipsing me with his shadow.
The seat he had occupied was tucked comfortably under the table, as he muttered, “Good. Enjoy yourself.” Then, like a bat out of Hell, he began steering Liv out of the room. Once again, he failed to disguise his fingertips, which were gently caressing her lower back, before I even had chance to say goodbye to either of them.

During
a brief lapse of utter madness, I felt a sizable degree of risk feasting on my vulnerability. ‘Fuck it’, was what the small voice in my head was whispering to me, while I watched Liam and Liv fade into the distance. When they were both completely out of sight, the whisper became more of a necessitating yell. Either way, I had no clue of what game Liam was playing, or whether the hand he had dealt to me was one of deception. I was filling my lungs to borderline bursting point, when I was struck with my epiphany. If this happened to be the, ‘you do as I requested’ game, then I was going to make damn sure I passed with honors.