Emancipating Alice (21 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Sunday, July 2nd 2006

It seemed everyone slept in a little later than they usually did, and it was no wonder; although the guests had left by ten o’ clock the previous night, the family had stayed up more than an hour later, pitching in to clear things up faster—the scattered dishes, the empty cans.

Most of the household awakened at around the same time that morning—late morning according to Alice, at nine o’ clock. Elaine and Drew collaborated on making breakfast for the whole household.

Drew had slept on the couch in the family room, while Lacey had stayed the night in the bedroom with her son.

They were the last to awaken, and Alice was amused at the way her son seemed to go gaga with Lacey around; she held quite the spell over Drew.

Jack was no different; everywhere she went, Jack was on her heels or at her side, holding her bathrobe, refusing to let her go.

“So what do you want, Lacey?” Elaine called out.

Alice was surprised Elaine neglected to see Drew’s desire to be responsible for taking care of Lacey.

“I’ve got it covered,” Drew replied, and it sounded like his words came through gritted teeth.

“Actually, I like what Elaine’s cooking up there—omelets?” Lacey peeked over Elaine’s shoulder.

Elaine nodded, smiling at Lacey, still not taking the hint; in fact, she gave Drew a triumphant look. Drew turned back to the stove, sulking.

Overall, Alice loved the atmosphere in the house. Usually, she would feel left out amongst so many people, but with her children and their spouses, her grandchildren, her sister-in-law and her significant other, it all felt comfortable; it felt right. There was even less tension between her and Elaine, if any at all. For the first time, she felt like they were all one big happy family.

Although she would love to get used to it, she was quite aware that this would never happen again; this vibe, this combination—they would never all be in the same place at the same time with such light hearts again. So she set out to enjoy every moment of it.

“I would like some of what each of you are making,” she piped up, forgoing her usual breakfast of oatmeal or cold cereal.

She had never had her daughter’s cooking before, and she knew Elaine would not actually eat what she was cooking for everyone else, that she would opt for a less greasy, fatty option.

Elaine’s surprise showed briefly on her face, but, if Alice was interpreting it correctly, it was pleasant surprise.

Jack followed Lacey to the family room where Amber and Jade had planted themselves in front of the television, with David also on the couch. Dennis and Miriam sat nearby, appearing to be in their own world.

Alice did not think about the carpet or the couch when Elaine and Drew carried trays of plates of omelets and French toasts and sausages to the family room. She did not care to direct them to the dining room today, and no one else saw fit to follow the usual pattern either.

Everyone settled in the family room to watch
The Incredibles,
chosen by the small girls who had gotten there first.

***

When breakfast and the movie were done, and everyone began to clear up the dishes and whatever mess had been made once again, Alice thought about her final task. She had to tell them; there was no doubt about it. But she wanted to tell them alone—just Elaine and Drew. It would not matter later who they told, but for right now, she needed to keep it amongst them.

It was not hard. Once they had gone over George’s last will and testament, and Miriam and Dennis left the house temporarily to go who-knew-where, Alice called her two children to her room, making it clear she wanted to speak to them privately. Lacey and David remained with the children downstairs.

Alice asked Drew, as the last person in the room, to close the door behind him.

They both looked wary.

“You might want to sit down for this.”

They looked at each other.

“Mom, please don’t say there’s something wrong with you,” Drew said.

Alice chuckled to herself. “In a way, there is. I allowed too many things I shouldn’t have.” She paused. There was no other way to do it but to dive right in. “Drew, Elaine. You have a brother.”

Alice saw eyebrows raise and eyes widen. She saw the siblings look at each other again.

Alice laughed, sensing they were headed in the wrong direction.

“No, it’s not me although some part of me almost wishes it were. I didn’t give up a child for adoption somewhere—your father had a child outside of our marriage. He’s about the same age as you Drew; in fact, you guys weren’t born that far apart as far as I understand it. His name is Frederick.”

“Wait, mom—you’re saying that dad cheated on you? And had a child out of marriage?”

Alice nodded. “That’s exactly what I’m saying my dear.”

“Wait a minute. Frederick...” Drew appeared to be thinking hard. “Mom, who is this guy? Because there was a Frederick here...”

Alice nodded again.

“Exactly right, son. That young black man who was here...”

“Is my brother?” both Elaine and Drew said.

“So then the lady who was with him was the one who...” Drew did not finish his own sentence. “Wow. Mom, I’m amazed you let her inside your house. You must be some kind of saint to have the slut who...”

“Now Drew, that’s not necessary.” Alice did not know why, but she felt somewhat protective of the woman. Perhaps she had simply gotten somewhat immune to the situation; felt avenged. Whatever the case, she needed her children to accept the fact, and forgive the woman and her son for existing. As far as she was concerned, the woman had just been pulled into George’s vortex like most.

Suddenly, Drew burst out laughing.

“Mom, Elaine totally had the hots for him.”

Elaine whirled to face him.

“What the hell? What are you talking about, Drew?”

“Don’t deny it. I saw you staring him down in church.”

Elaine rolled her eyes.

“Yeah well, you were staring him down too. Honestly, if it wasn’t for your obsession with Lacey I’d swear you were gay.”

Drew stopped smiling.

“Now, now, children, be nice. And promise me you’ll be nice to him. It might be good for him to have a relationship with his siblings. It’s always nice to have people…” Alice’s voice drifted off as she thought about the moments of loneliness and the sense of rejection both he and his mother might have felt. She also now knew with surety that the demand to “forsake all others” once married was ludicrous and could never be taken literally; one person could—or perhaps should—never be everything to another. One person could not possibly fill all of another’s needs. Frederick was lucky to have his mother, and perhaps he had friends, but more family could help.

“He might need you,” she said to her offspring.

***

By the time the next morning came, Alice’s children and grandchildren were gone.

Elaine and her family had left the previous evening to prepare for their delayed Disney vacation, needed even more now, while Drew, Lacey and Jack had taken off early in the morning to eventually work on doing what was best for Jack, so Alice hoped.

But Miriam and Dennis stayed the whole of the day after the children were gone—although not in the house.

Alice was not sure where they went again, but they left early in the morning and returned that evening.

Alice didn’t mind them staying over, but she thought it strange that they decided to hang around. She even thought she caught Miriam watching her intently a few times but she wasn’t sure if Miriam was actually concentrating on her.

“We are leaving tomorrow,” Miriam said to her before she and Dennis retired to their room. “Will you be okay?”

Alice had nodded.

“Will you hang around, then?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s not over. Hang around.”

“Miriam, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do. Good night.”

***

Monday, July 3rd 2006

Greenwood, Indiana

Drew was easily distracted by Lacey in their home once again. She had surprised Drew and driven down with them back to Indiana and Drew could barely keep his own hopes at bay, knowing he could use the bathroom for a minute and come out and meet her gone. But while she was there, it felt good.

She hadn’t even said anything about her photos and belongings still being around.

Jack had managed to fall asleep during the car ride and was continuing his nap so Drew was grateful for their alone time.

Lacey put on a pot of coffee.

“I still can’t believe you have a brother. And he’s cute too!”

Lacey grinned at him.

The twinkle in her eye let him know she wasn’t serious about her unspoken implications but he could never be sure with her.

Drew was still reeling from the news himself. Everyone had been shocked by the news, even Elaine. Apparently, that was one secret their father hadn’t let her in on.

His father was turning out to be quite the magician, pulling out all sorts of items from his hat and sleeves after death.

“I bet you want to fuck him too.”

Drew was shocked the words had left his mouth but once said, he wasn’t sorry he’d said them.

“Oh come on, Drew—what are you talking about? That wasn’t nice at all; this isn’t like you.”

“What the hell would you know about what’s like me and what isn’t?” he found himself sputtering.

She rolled her eyes.

“Drew, we’ve been married for six or eight years. You’d think I’d know you by now.”

“You? Who can hardly sit still? You who don’t pay attention to anything for more than two seconds? I’m surprised you even remembered you had a son and not a daughter! That you even remembered Jack’s name...”

“Well, I named him…”

“And I can’t believe you, the ADD queen,” he interrupted, “are questioning my skepticism about what you know and don’t know.
I
know
you
! Not the other way around. Can you even tell us all apart? All of your many men? Or has it all squashed together like a huge orgy in your mind? Am I your husband or your high school sweetheart? Your extramarital affair? Are we all just cocks to you?”

“Drew, what a strange thing to say! Of course I can tell you all apart—you interested me for different reasons so of course I know who’s who. And hey, you’re the only one I married for christ’s sake…”

“You say that like it makes some kind of difference, like it’s actually significant, but what’s important to you sure as hell ain’t me. And you know what? That’s okay. I still love you, I admit it, but I’ll be damned if I settle for the scraps you keep throwing me. Yeah you’re beautiful but I see beauties every day, so maybe I should thank you for giving me the chance to screw around. Take the time to be like those guys you seem most attracted to. I think that was my problem—getting involved with you too early. I was too green when you met me; you had all the experience and thought a man like me was the one to marry. But I bored you with my dedication—I get it. I guess I will say thank you Lacey: I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to bury my face in bigger boobs than yours. To see what a virgin feels like. To find out if other girls’ hair smell as goddamned sweet as yours.”

His words came so naturally, he almost believed them.

Lacey blinked and watched him for a few seconds.

After a long moment, her sober face morphed into an expression he was defenseless against—her brown eyes darkening with desire.

“I’m not gonna lie, Drew, whatever got into you is turning me on.”

She moved closer to him and took his hands.

“I’m not promising you I’ll be interested for the next twenty years, or even the next five days but I sure as hell want you right now.”

Drew had planned to give her the cold shoulder, and somehow combine that with a heavy guilt trip for what she’d done to Jack once more. He had planned to make her see the error of her ways, to show her he would be just fine without her and would prefer she left his house as soon as possible.

Drew did not plan to lose sight of his plan so quickly.

Looking at her, seeing her in the flesh coming closer to him, caressing him, stopped his plans cold.

He knew it may not have been the greatest idea, that he might regret it later and that this could make things harder for him in the long run, but at that moment, he wanted her too. There was no way he could say no to her.

He knew he had nothing to lose, no regrets that could come of it besides most likely getting more attached to her, falling for her all over again, deeper. But he also knew that if he were to die tomorrow, his last thoughts—after his son of course—would be:
why didn’t I fuck Lacey that one last time?
If he only had today, this last day with her, then so be it.

When Lacey guided him toward the kitchen table and unbuckled his pants, he barely heard the small thud of the green stone in his pocket hitting the ground.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Tuesday, July 4th 2006

Orlando, Florida

It seemed the happiest day of her daughters’ lives. Seeing their animated heroes in person, watching them in parades, taking photos with them and all of the rides they were able to go on made Amber and Jade’s smiles ever-present. Their cheeks were rosy and they were chatty when the family went to dinner, all grins, all glittery eyes. Elaine was sure they’d forgotten all about their grandfather and the funeral and the somber days that had just passed; it was as if all the gloominess had not happened. Not even their dead grandpa could dull the shine of this Disney day, and the promise of Disney days to come.

Although they had been to Disney World before, they never had as much fun as this. The girls were now at ages where they could appreciate the experience better, appreciate each other’s company, the rides, and the event as a family event.

Elaine smiled to herself as she fiddled with her pink necklace.

An image came to her mind then: David, leaving her alone in the room where she had opted to stay as he took the girls out that evening for a fireworks display. It was the first and only time she had decided to let the foursome become a threesome.

The girls did not mind, and neither did David—he understood her need to be alone for just a little while. He winked at her as the door closed behind him, one little girl on his left, one on his back, piggybacking.

She had smiled at him as they left, and as the door closed, she thought about how silly she felt for what she had wished before as she thought about her illegitimate brother. David was a committed father, a devoted husband, and nothing was wrong with that at all. Dedication was good. Devotion was good. Family was good. Life was good.

Still, she could not shake the feeling that something was very wrong.

She went to her bag and pulled out a notebook, a part of the saga her mother apparently wanted her to know about. Elaine thought it was strange when her mother gave her the box of journals, and even stranger that she told her not to open it until after the fourth of July holiday. Of course she didn’t listen and flipped through the first couple, not really catching anything particularly interesting. Then she picked up one that looked sunny and joyful, yellow on the outside with pink flowers that looked like additions created by her mother or someone else—definitely not the manufacturer, and brought it along with her for slower moments of the trip.

She opened it up to a page and started reading.

I hate him,
her mother’s even cursive scrawl said.
If I could get away with it, I think I would kill him.

Elaine sat up straight.

It’s him or me.

Elaine put the journal down, keeping her thumb between the pages.

***

I-94W

“Turn around.”

Ahmik knew that tone of voice, and he knew that when Miriam used that tone of voice with words like those, it was best to listen and obey. Immediately.

Ahmik took the next exit without a word. He followed the signs to the same highway but heading in the opposite direction, back toward where they had come from.

When they reached a steady speed, he chanced a glance at her. Her pale blue eyes were staring straight ahead, blank, as if she were no longer present in her own body.

“What is it?” he asked, bringing her back. She turned to him but she did not speak a word in response. Her pupils were black darts in that ocean of blue.

Finally, after a full minute of silence, she said:

“I think you know.”

He was amazed that he did.

***

Bloomington, Illinois

Alice pulled out journal #32, cerulean in color. It was the only journal she had not passed on to Elaine—her last.

She grabbed a pen.

I wish there was more time to experience it, Alice wrote. I could have had a much more fulfilling life had I lived it with someone who loved me differently. Even if my career plans didn’t pan out, to have at least been with someone who supported me and encouraged me to do what I wanted would have made things so much better.

Sure, with every choice there is a sacrifice and I made a terrible choice, but I made an even worse one by doing nothing to fix it.

I must be a masochist.

She closed the journal. Then, she studied the second and final family photo taken of her, George, Elaine and Drew. The first had been taken when Elaine was five and Drew, three and a half. Elaine was smiling at the camera, baring all her baby teeth as she sat on her father’s lap while Alice stared solemnly with a somber-faced Drew in her arms. George too, was smiling. While neither she nor Drew had discontent on their faces, their non-smiling expressions did not lend to a photo of a happy family.

In their second one, Elaine was smiling again, in her cap and gown after graduating from college, her father’s arm slung across her shoulders with an even larger grin than hers, while Alice was on the other side of Elaine, smiling a little this time. Drew was next to Alice and again, did not appear particularly moved by the event. It was as if he was a stranger who had been asked to join the photo at the last minute and had somewhere to go.

Alice thought it ironic; judging from the photos, it appeared Elaine was a much more content, even a happy child, full of life and laughter and sweet-spiritedness while Drew appeared to be soaking in unhappiness at all times. She was amazed at how photos could be so deceiving.

Still, she traced her finger across the faces of the photograph, reaching out to them one last time.

Her children were gone now, back to their own lives and families. Drew had promised to visit, and she knew he would try to keep his promise. Elaine mentioned she might bring the girls around here and there too, and as awkward as the moment had been, Alice believed her. Something was different about her daughter; there was uncertainty in her eyes. Maybe she was at conflict with herself, and perhaps an unlikely side—the side that perhaps felt like reaching out to Alice—was gaining ground. Alice had smiled and given Elaine a parting gift, making her promise not to open it until the fourth of July, today: a box of Alice’s own journals. She had managed to keep them hidden from George’s prying eyes over the years, and eventually boxed them up, entrusting them in the care of her younger half-sister. She knew they would help her daughter understand, and perhaps, forgive, although she knew the latter was too much to ask.

She looked at the will she had drawn up before the children left, signed in the presence of Elaine and her husband, as well as Miriam. She wanted to make sure Drew was taken care of when she left; the boy did not seem to be doing as well as he liked, and his wife was quite capricious to say the least—although she had returned, there was no guarantee she would stay.

To Andrew Owens I bequeath the house on Mockingbird Avenue
...

Drew had wanted her to join his family for the fourth of July celebrations. Alice was able to get out of it by saying he should go ahead and enjoy it with his own family—while he had them all with him. She told him she was not in the mood for celebrating and would be a downer. That she needed more time to herself to think, reflect.

He was still a little hesitant to leave Alice alone for that particular holiday, but she could see that in a way he was glad to be with his two favorite people—his wife and son. She did not mind playing second fiddle to his wife since that is what usually happened when children got married. Besides, she knew he loved her, and if she hadn’t insisted, he would not have let up on his invitation. He eventually left her alone reluctantly.

As for Miriam, she had made up her mind to invite her father to the reservation—she was pretty sure he would want to go. Alice imagined the conversation Miriam would have with Fred, with Fred revealing knowing about another grandson, Miriam forced to reveal George’s demise. Alice knew it was not a replacement, but it was certainly another reason for the old man to carry on; he wanted to meet this new grandson after all. And she was also sure he would get out and do something new for a change. She was content with her part in his renewed sense for life.

She looked at the urn on the mantel. It was the final step in eradicating George from her life. She poured the ashes into the sink and turned on the water, flushing them away, watching them swirl and dance down the drain.

Finally, for the first time in a long time, she started to feel like her old self again; like the little girl who’d insisted on picking out her own clothes, disregarding advice about stripes and polka dots not going together. The girl who pulled her hair out of her ponytail holders when she wanted to feel her hair swim around her face.

Like the teenager who had planned to marry someday like every other girl she knew, but had the sense to know that first, she needed to go to college and get her own life together. She was the girl who figured she should be as educated as possible in order to better take care of herself and have more options available to her to make a living just in case. The young woman who had researched at the library, found scholarships, entered writing competitions, won them. Who had worked as a waitress in the evenings while in high school, and took babysitting jobs and worked as a barista some evenings while in college. The girl who did everything she could to make sure all she wanted could be paid for, did everything she could to fight for her own life, keep her own spirit alive. She was the girl who made all her own decisions and allowed others only to help inform them.

Although having help along the way seemed like a beautiful alternative, her parents’ abandonment left her with the ability to take care of herself, follow her own instincts, form her own opinions, live her own life—and for that she was grateful. Her self-sufficiency was what she had always been most proud of.

She had planned to go on to graduate school and continue her education until she met George. And while she’d always wondered about her looks in comparison to the everyday girl, for she was not beautiful in a traditional sense, George made her feel beautiful, valuable. For the first time in her life she felt wanted, treasured.

Still, she had seen relationships fall apart around her so she knew she had to prepare for a life without George and that meant sticking to her plans. But he had different plans for her.

George was the wind of a hurricane and she had to decide if she would be a solid, mighty oak which although strong and stable otherwise, could snap against the opposing force of the hurricane, or if she would be a reed which would bend with the storm and still be left standing when it passed.

The alternative George offered to the life she had planned was somewhat attractive—a life companion sooner than expected. It was something worth ditching her other goals for, wasn’t it? After all, those other goals were just there to bide her time until she found someone to be with anyway. Right?

She wasn’t sure what it was George had seen in her, but whatever it was, she’d been thankful for it and threw away what she had prided herself on, what she’d thought defined her.

Now, she thought of her life as a palindrome, reading the same way front to back, back to front.
Malayalam.
She was constantly swept into nothingness, made insignificant, living as a nonentity.

To Alice, it was only natural that she would reach
nullity
—the condition of nonexistence—brought about by her own hand.

Alice eventually realized the ashes were gone and the water was no longer washing anything but itself down the drain.

She grabbed the kettle from the stove to add water to it, turned off the faucet, then started preparing herself a special cup of tea, courtesy of her garden.

Today, the country would be celebrating and enjoying life. Families would be having picnics, food was being cooked in great quantities as neighbors joined each other for festivities, firecrackers would light up the fourth of July sky.

And Alice would be free at last.

The kettle whistled.

Alice made her tea, let it cool a bit, then brought the cup to her lips.

Malayalam.

Right before the liquid reached her mouth she stopped the cup, staring at the warm, brown liquid, watching the steam rise. It was as if George were reaching out from beyond the grave, continuing his mission.

We’ll keep in touch,
she remembered Elaine saying as she and her family left the house.

Withdrawing isn’t always the best course of action,
Heather whispered.

I can’t think about losing you,
she heard Drew say.

You can eat your cake and have it too,
echoed Miriam’s voice.
Hang around.

Alice’s eyes turned their attention to the embossed vine pattern on the cup.

She looked at the handle.

Then she poured the contents of her cup into the sink.

Invictus.

She was the master of her fate. She was the captain of her soul.

Suddenly she heard a car pull up outside, startling her.

Who could that be?
she wondered—everyone had already left for good.

She walked over to the curtains and peeked out.

The car looked like Dennis’s car.

She continued peering through the windows and sure enough, Dennis and Miriam left the car and rushed over to the front door.

Then the telephone rang.

Alice didn’t know whether to open the door or answer the telephone first.

She went for the telephone.

“Mother, what the hell is this?” Elaine’s voice was not frighteningly angry this time; in fact, it was the softest Alice had ever heard when speaking to her, although still a bit harsh.

Alice pretended not to know what she was talking about.

“What do you mean?”

She hadn’t expected for Elaine to get to any of the more interesting parts of her journals so quickly but apparently she’d read something that caught her interest.