Embrace, Entice, Emblaze

Copyright © 2010 by Jessica Shirvington

Cover and internal design © 2012 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

Cover design by Andrea C. Uva

Cover photography by Patrick Fleischman

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems— except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews— without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

The author and publisher would like to thank the following for permission to use copyright material: Canongate Books, Edinburgh, for a quotation from “Love Poem” in
Rebel
Without
Applause
by Lemn Sissay; Princeton University Press, Princeton, for a quotation from
Collected
Works
of
Carl
Jung
by Carl Jung; St. Mark’s Press, Pavenham, for a quotation from William Barclay; Transaction Publishers, New Jersey, for a quotation from
The
Public
Philosophy
by Walter Lippmann.

The author and publisher would also like to acknowledge the following works from which the author has quoted:
Zohar
III, 19a
by Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai; “The Desert Has Twelve Things” by Mechthild of Magdeburg; New American Standard Bible; God’s Word to the Nations; the Holy Bible: International Standard Version; the Holy Bible: English Standard Version; and the King James Bible.

Every endeavor has been made on the part of the publisher to contact copyright holders not mentioned above, and the publisher will be happy to include a full acknowledgment in any future edition.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

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Originally published in Australia and New Zealand in 2010 by Hachette Australia.

Library of Congress Cataloging- in- Publication data is on file with the publisher.

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

BG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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For Matt,

who showed me that true love is possible

(even at seventeen), and our girls, Sienna and Winter,

who shine new light on the world and make

every day better than the last.

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For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this
world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

ephesians 6:12

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chapter
one

“Outside, among your fellows, among strangers, you must

preserve appearances, a hundred things you cannot do; but

inside, the terrible freedom!”

raLph waLdo eMerson

Birthdays aren’t my thing.

It’s hard to get too excited about the day that marks the anni-

versary of your mother’s death. It’s not that I blame myself for her not being here. No one could have known she wouldn’t survive

childbirth. It’s not that I miss her either. I mean, I never knew her in the fi rst place. But it is the one day each year that at some point I’ll be forced to ask myself, Was it worth it? Was my life worth taking hers?

I stared out the bus window, avoiding. Steph was blabbering on, something about the perfect dress, completely absorbed in what she was saying. She was relentless when it came to the science of shopping. I could feel her watching me, disappointed with my cheer

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Jessica shirvington

level. Buildings flashed past through the frame of the smudged glass and I couldn’t help but wish my seventeenth birthday tomorrow

would slide by in the same hazy blur.

“Violet Eden!” Steph said sternly, sucking me out of my trance.

“We have your dad’s Amex, a green light, and no specified limit.” Her mock rebuke morphed into a devious grin. “What more could

a girl want as a birthday present?”

Technically, it was
my
Amex. My name, my signature. It just happened to be connected to Dad’s account. A by-product of being the only person at home who actually bothered to pay any bills.

I knew Steph wouldn’t understand if I told her I wasn’t in the

mood, so I lied. “I can’t go shopping today. I…um…I have a

training session.”

She raised her eyebrows at me. For a moment I thought she was

going to call me out on my fake alibi. But then she segued onto a topic we seemed to be discussing more and more often as of late.

“With Lincoln?”

I shrugged, trying not to let on how much just the mention of

Lincoln affected me. Although the training part wasn’t true, I
did
have plans to see him later on and was already doing my best not to keep a minute- by- minute countdown.

Steph rolled her eyes. “Honestly, one of these days I’m gonna tell him you’d prefer to get all hot and sweaty with him in a different kind of way!” She threw me her bitchy smile— something she

usually reserves for other people.

I sat back and let her vent. It was easier that way. Steph didn’t 2

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get it and I couldn’t blame her— I’d never told her
all
of the reasons why training was so important to me. Some things are just too hard to talk about.

“You
do
realize you’re turning into some kind of sports geek, don’t you? And don’t pretend you actually like them all. I know for a fact that you hate long- distance running.” Steph couldn’t understand how anyone would rather go rock climbing or boxing

in place of shopping.

“I get a kick out of training with him,” I said, hoping to put

an end to the conversation, even though she wasn’t completely off base about the running. If I didn’t have Lincoln’s butt to stare at the whole time, motivation would be a lot harder to come by.

I busied myself by rummaging through my backpack, which

was jammed with all the books they force you to take home on the last day before break. Steph didn’t seem put off.

“It’s like he’s training you for battle or something.” Her eyes lit up. “Hey, maybe he has some underground fight club and he’s grooming you!”

“That’s it, Steph. Definitely.”

I didn’t want to be talking about this, didn’t want to have to

admit the round- the- clock desire I had to be with Lincoln. It was like something deep within me found comfort in his presence.

Crushing
with
the
best
of
’em, Vi!

Too bad it was a lost cause. It had been that way ever since the moment I’d first met him two years ago. He was a late entry into a self- defense class I’d signed up for. When he was partnered with 3

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Jessica shirvington

me, what I thought was going to be another mediocre attempt on

my part to get fit and strong became so much more.

I never found out why Lincoln had taken the class. He clearly

knew more than the instructor, moving through the exercises with the kind of ease and grace that made it clear he was in another league. After the first couple of weeks, when I was finally able to string more than two words together around him, I asked him why he was there. He shrugged it off, saying it was always good to do a refresher class.

By the end of the three- month course, I was learning more from him than from the instructor, and he offered to give me some kickboxing lessons. Now I get the best of both worlds. I get stronger every day— our list of activities has expanded to include rock

climbing, running, even an archery course—
and
I get to hang out with Lincoln. It’s perfect…almost.

“Well, I guess that means we’re going shopping tomorrow

then.” Steph pouted but couldn’t keep it up. She can never stay mad for long.

Unfortunately, she was right. I knew Dad had given her strict

instructions, due to my lack of spirit and his lack of know-how, to make sure I had a new dress for my birthday dinner tomorrow

night. The clock was ticking— shopping was inevitable.

“I can’t wait,” I said, flashing her a well-practiced fake smile from my birthday repertoire.

As the bus slowed for its next stop, Steph stood up from our seat, three rows from the back. She was convinced only the wannabes

4

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sat right at the back, the geeks at the front, and the goths/weirdos right behind them. That left about three rows we could work with, the ones that apparently put us in the not- trying- to- but- can’t-help- being- cool section. The ironic thing was, if judged purely on academic achievements, Steph was the biggest geek I knew. Of course, she never publicized the fact that she was some kind of borderline genius.

She wrapped her narrow frame around the metal pole near the

doors, donned her favorite pair of D&G sunglasses, and blew me a kiss. I laughed. Luckily for me, Steph wasn’t only a label girl. For all the designer clothes she paraded around in, she was surprisingly balanced. The fact that she was from a seriously moneyed- up family and was usually wearing something that cost more than my entire wardrobe didn’t adversely affect our friendship. I didn’t
overly
care for material possessions and she didn’t
overly
care that I didn’t.

“Do me a favor?” she said, making her way out the door, unfazed by the logjam of kids sardined behind her. “While you’re drooling over Mr. Fantastic, make sure you jab him in the gut a few times for taking up all your free time and depriving me of my bff.”

“Sure thing,” I said, blowing her a kiss back and ignoring the

twinge of guilt I felt about lying to my best friend.

5

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chapter
two

“I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.”

genesis 9:13

Instead of going home to an empty apartment, I found myself

walking toward Dad’s offi ces. I wasn’t sure why. On my way up to the fourth fll oor, my phone beeped with a text message from Lincoln.

Running a bit late. Meet at my place around 7?

I smiled at the phone, my fi ngers fumbling over the keypad quickly.

Yep— see you there!

Th en I deleted the exclamation mark and counted to thirty

before I allowed myself to press send.

It was bittersweet, my relationship with Lincoln. Like always,

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as soon as the elation of hearing from him subsided, the reality of our “friendship” hit home. It would be nice if he
was
offering a date, but he was really only granting me entry to his warehouse abode— there was a gigantic wall there just begging to be painted and Lincoln had finally agreed to relinquish it to me. The most I could hope for in between coats of primer was a meal. Though

I’d tried to reassure Lincoln that coffee and two- minute noodles are a well- balanced diet of dairy and carbohydrates, he remained unconvinced. Since Dad was never around at dinnertime, Lincoln

had recently started inviting me back to his place for dinner before dropping me home. I had to admit, even though it wasn’t romantic
at
all
—we mostly just went over training exercises— it was nice to have someone to talk to instead of eating alone.