Embrace My Reflection (5 page)

“Do you want me to sing to you?”
He shook his head. “Not tonight. You’ve used your voice enough. I just wanted you to know I did think about you while I was gone. You were a part of everything I did because you meant home to me. Not my parents or even my grandmother. After I met you, you became my family. I’m sorry for leaving you that day.”
Ronnie rolled over to face Lucius. “I know you think you abandoned me, but you didn’t. I knew you were leaving the next day. I didn’t expect you to change your mind or anything. I
chose
to give my virginity to you. You were my first love. Whom else would I have given it to?”
“Your first love? Really?” Lucius met Ronnie’s eyes and saw the honesty in them. “Wow, I don’t think I’ve been anyone’s first.”
“Well, you were mine, and I clung to that night with my whole heart because while it wasn’t the best sex I’d ever had, it was the only time I made love to someone who loved me.” Ronnie dropped his gaze. “Or someone I thought loved me.”
Lucius cupped Ronnie’s cheeks in his hands and waited until Ronnie looked at him. “I loved you, Ronnie Lake. Is it too soon for me to admit I still love you?”
“Why would you consider it too soon?” Ronnie covered Lucius’ hands with his.
“We just found each other again after ten years. How do we know if we’re compatible any more? Maybe you don’t want a barely making it police detective. I’ve got crappy long hours. I can’t guarantee I’ll be home at five every night.”
Ronnie snorted. “
Cher,
I’m a guy who dresses in drag, not just for my job, but all the time. You’ve got lousy hours, and so do I. I work from nine at night to three in the morning. Usually I sleep until five, then I do very mundane things. I’ve got crazy friends you haven’t met yet, but once you do, you’ll agree with me. I make a living impersonating a woman.”
“I like your job. It suits you.”
“And your job suits you. Protecting people from the bad guys.” Ronnie rubbed his face into Lucius’ palms. “There are worse guys I could hook up with than a barely making it detective. I’m willing to take my chances and see where this could lead us. We had to split up for us to grow, so when we finally get back together, we’re ready for a serious relationship.”
“I do believe you’re a romantic at heart, Ms. Lake.”
Ronnie chuckled, but didn’t deny it. Lucius made a note to send Ronnie flowers the next day at the club. He wanted to let everyone know Ronnie had a man who appreciated him. He would have to make a point to get to know Ronnie’s friends.
“Lucius, you didn’t mention your mother. Is she still alive?”
Lucius let go of Ronnie and rolled over on his back to stare up at the ceiling. “No. She died about five years ago from cirrhosis of the liver. Seems she was an alcoholic.”
Ronnie propped his head up on his hand and trailed a finger over Lucius’ chest. “Why don’t you get out of those clothes and tell me about it?”
After climbing out of the bed, he stripped off his clothes, letting them fall to the floor without worrying about wrinkles. He went to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth and took a piss. Lucius didn’t really want to talk about his mother, not even to Ronnie, though, of anyone, Ronnie was the most likely to understand and least likely to judge.
He got back to the bed and slipped under the blankets. When he settled, Ronnie crawled back into his embrace, laying his head on Lucius’ chest. Lucius inhaled deeply, filling his nose with the soothing scent of Ronnie.
“She was an alcoholic?”
Ronnie’s soft question brought back his shame and guilt at never knowing how much his mother suffered.
“Yeah. I didn’t know it until she died. I spent as much time away from home as I could when I was in school. You know that because I’d stay with you as much as your mother would let me.”
“Which was a lot, but I don’t think she noticed how much time you spent with me. She was so wrapped up in herself, no one else mattered,” Ronnie muttered.
They both had their own demons to deal with. Maybe that was one reason why they had gravitated to each other in school.
“I’m not sure when she started, whether she drank while I was in school or if it started after I left for the army. All I know is when I was in Afghanistan, she was diagnosed with cancer and the doctor I talked to said it had to do with all the alcohol she’d consumed. I guess after my dad got injured on one of the oilrigs, he was home all the time and Mom couldn’t handle it. God didn’t help her get over the pain.”
“Did your dad hurt her?”
Lucius shrugged. “I don’t know. Dad’s never talked to me about her. My mom’s parents were dead before I was ten, so I couldn’t ask them. My dad’s mom never really got along with my mom. She couldn’t tell me anything. I miss her still.”
Ronnie nodded. “I know what you mean. At times, I miss my mom, and we weren’t as close as you were with yours. Did she know you were gay?”
“No. That probably would’ve driven her to drink even more. Mom was a strict Catholic and being gay was a huge sin in her world.” He hugged Ronnie closer. “She’d have dragged me to church for her priest to pray over, I’m sure. Dad doesn’t like the fact I’m gay, but I don’t think his problem has to do with God.”
“I’m sorry she’s dead, Lucius. I’m sure it hurt a lot when she died.”
“It did, but you know what I did the night of her funeral?” He blushed slightly as he remembered.
“What?” Ronnie stroked his hand over Lucius’ chest like he was trying to soothe him.
“I went out to the river with my iPod and played “Amazing Grace.” I knew it was her favorite hymn and I thought it’d be the best way to send her off to heaven.”
“I wish I’d been there to sing it for you.” Ronnie sat up.
Before Lucius could say anything more, Ronnie had him wrapped in his arms with Lucius’ head resting on his shoulder, comforting him, instead of Lucius taking care of Ronnie. He closed his eyes, absorbing Ronnie’s warmth.
“Let me sing you to sleep, Lucius.”
He couldn’t deny Ronnie anything, and if it helped ease his own soul, why not?
“Amazing Grace/how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…”
Ronnie’s sweet voice lulled Lucius to sleep and the last thought Lucius had before he drifted off was how wonderful it was to have Ronnie sharing his bed. He didn’t want to lose that again.

The mattress behind Ronnie dipped as Lucius climbed from their bed. Ronnie rolled over and sat up, rubbing his eyes.
“Is it time for you to go in?”
“Yes. Go back to sleep, honey. I’ll call you later on this afternoon and we can meet for dinner before you head to work.”
Ronnie waited until he heard the shower running before he slipped out of bed and headed for the kitchen. By the time Lucius finished getting ready, he had a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast ready for Lucius, along with coffee.
“I told you to stay in bed, Ronnie. You didn’t have to do this for me.”
He glanced over his shoulder and smiled at Lucius. “I can always go back to bed after you leave. Remember how you made me eat breakfast? You said it was the most important meal of the day.”
“And now if I get a beignet and a coffee in the morning, I’m lucky.” Lucius came over and enveloped Ronnie in a hug.
Ronnie leaned back against the bigger man, silently savoring Lucius’ freshly showered scent. He sighed when Lucius kissed the side of his neck before going to the table.
Ronnie finished washing the few pots he’d used and, after grabbing his glass of juice, he joined Lucius. He sat down and curled his legs under him. Lucius’ happy moan made Ronnie feel better than anything else had in a while. He jumped when Lucius reached across the table and grasped his hand.
“Thank you for the song last night. It means a lot to me.”
A grin graced Ronnie’s face and he knew he probably looked silly, but everything about Lucius made him happy.
“Singing for you is my favorite thing to do.”
Lucius checked his watch. “Shit. I have to go or I’ll be late.”
Ronnie stood and followed Lucius to the door. He watched as Lucius took a small box out of the hall closet and unlocked it. Lucius pulled out a gun in a holster and hooked it to his belt where his badge and phone were already clipped.
“My off-duty piece is in the night stand next to the bed if you ever need it.”
“I doubt I’d ever be able to shoot someone,” he protested.
Lucius eyed him. “You never thought you’d be able to fight back when the Brosier twins bullied you and look how you handled them.”
Chuckling, Ronnie held up his hands. “Okay, you have a point there.”
“One more thing. Here are the keys to my apartment and the street entrance door. Also, here’s the alarm code. If you leave before I get home, just set the alarm and lock up.”
Stunned, he accepted everything and a kiss from Lucius. He’d never been important enough to anyone to be given a key. Cindi and Percy didn’t count. They were friends, not boyfriends. None of the guys he dated were very accepting of his clothing choices. Oh, they’d say they were fine with it, but they would never introduce him to their friends or family. They certainly never gave him a key to their apartment.
He locked the door behind Lucius, then searched through the apartment, finding the washer and dryer. Tossing his clothes in, he started the washer before climbing back into bed. He was used to functioning on a small amount of sleep, but, given the opportunity, he would rather curl up under blankets and nap until late afternoon.
A buzzing woke him and he looked at the clock next to the bed. It was noon, and the buzzing was his phone. Grabbing it off the nightstand, he sat up and answered it.
“Hello?”
“So, sweetheart, did you shag all night long?”
He laughed. “Cindi, it’s none of your damned business if we fucked or not.”
Cindi’s pout could be heard over the phone. “But I want to live vicariously through young lovers.”
“Cindi, don’t pretend you and Percy don’t have sex every day, several times in fact. You’re just nosy and a pervert.”
“You do know me.” Cindi laughed along with Ronnie. When they sobered up, his friend asked, “How are you holding up, sugar?”
“Pretty good actually. He gave me the key to his apartment,” he blurted out, hugging Lucius’ pillow to his chest.
“No? Really?” Cindi sounded surprised, for which Ronnie couldn’t blame him. Cindi’d gone through the same experiences Ronnie had until he found Percy. “How does that make you feel?”
“It’s too soon to be in love with Lucius, isn’t it?” He bit his lip, waiting to hear all the reasons why he shouldn’t be falling in love with Lucius.
Cindi chuckled. “You’ve been in love with that man for as long as I’ve known you. I don’t think there’s anything soon about it. Do you know how he feels about you?”
“He told me he still loved me, but he’s afraid it’s too soon for us to jump right into a serious relationship.” Ronnie sighed and stared out the French doors opposite the bed. “Yet he’s always been in my heart, ever since the first day we met. I never wanted to forget him because he made me feel safe and lovable.”
“You are lovable, sugar. Don’t let anyone tell you different. I’m reserving judgment on your detective. I don’t know him well, so I don’t want to have an opinion on him. But if he’s the reason you looked so happy last night, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.”
A voice mumbled in the background, and Cindi snorted.
“Percy said you tell Lucius that if he hurts you, he’ll have to deal with Percy.”
Ronnie giggled because the image of Percy facing Lucius down was like a Chihuahua going after a Great Dane. Yet he knew Percy would stand up for him. Cindi’s partner had done it before when Cameron kept coming around.
“I’ll let Lucius know. We should all meet for dinner soon. Actually, I’m going to come over and pack a bag of stuff for the next couple of days. Then on the weekend, Lucius said we could move the rest of my things into his apartment.” He panicked. “Is it too soon to be moving in together?”
Cindi snorted. “I moved in with Percy the night we met. I think waiting ten years and however many days is long enough. Did you sleep together last night? And I don’t mean doing the horizontal mambo either, though if you want to tell me about that, I’d suffer through it.”
“I bet you would.” He smiled and thought about how well he’d slept last night in Lucius’ arms. “Yes, we shared a bed.”
“And he didn’t force you?”
“No, he wouldn’t do that,” Ronnie snapped.
“Then I don’t think you need to worry about it being too soon. It sounds like if you decide you want to sleep in your own bed, he wouldn’t fight you on it. He might not like it, but he won’t make you do anything you didn’t like.” Cindi sighed. “Sugar, go with your gut on this one. Has it ever led you wrong concerning this man?”
Ronnie thought about all the choices he made in his life that Lucius was a part of. “No, it really hasn’t. Some things have happened I wasn’t expecting, but they turned out to be good for me.”
“And it feels right to be with him, to care for him, and let him take care of you?”
“Yes.”
Cindi’s voice was soft and understanding. “Then that’s all you need to know. Give up control of your heart, Ronnie, and fall. Lucius will be there to catch you. He’s already given you his heart. Don’t you think you should return the favor?”
He loved talking to Cindi. It was how his conversations with his mother would go, if they ever talked to each other.
“You’re right. I’ll come over before work tonight and pack a bag. Then Lucius and I will be over on Saturday to get the rest of my stuff.” He paused. “I hate doing this, but can you make sure no one knows where I’m staying? I don’t want Cameron showing up here.”
Cindi grunted. “I think the senator is in for a rude awakening if he tries anything with you. Unlike most of the people here in New Orleans, Lucius doesn’t seem impressed by Cameron. If something does happen, Lucius isn’t going to discount you as some weird-o.”
Being overlooked or dismissed as weirdoes or crazies was a common occurrence for the ladies at the cabaret. They dealt with it the best they could, mostly by ignoring the snide comments and rude gestures. If someone got threatened, they banded together instead of going to the cops. Yet Ronnie did believe having Lucius around would help the rest of them.
“I have to go, sugar. Have to go into the club and do some paperwork. I look forward to spending some more time with your man. See you tonight.” Cindi blew a kiss in the phone before hanging up.
Ronnie set his phone down and got up. He switched his clothes from the washer to the dryer before starting a new pot of coffee brewing. A hot shower and another T-shirt of Lucius’ made him feel better, though when he looked at himself in the mirror, he burst out laughing. He looked like a little kid wearing his dad’s Tshirt. Tugging on some sweat pants, he wished he had his running shoes.
Instead of running, he meditated and did yoga to stretch his muscles and calm his mind. By the time he finished, the coffee was done. He poured himself a cup and stepped out on the front balcony to sit outside. Settling into one of the wicker chairs, he set his heel on the edge of the seat and rested his chin on his knee.
Ronnie loved his city. The passion and pride thrived on the streets and in the people who lived there. History was built into the very bricks of the houses and buildings. Not even a hurricane could break the spirit of the people. He and his friends had gone to New York City until the government said it was okay to come back.
None of them had ever considered moving somewhere else. New Orleans was in their blood. It had been home in a way no other city could ever be for Ronnie, yet he knew if Lucius wanted to leave, Ronnie would pack up all of his belongings and follow. In the most fundamental way, Lucius was now Ronnie’s home and he would happily go to the moon with the man.
He sipped his coffee and watched the city bustle below him. After draining the last drop, he stood and stretched, making his way toward the bedroom. He grabbed his clean clothes out of the dryer and went in to take a shower.
Forty-five minutes later, he slipped into his heels and ran some lip-gloss over his lips. Thank goodness, he kept a make-up bag in his duffle with the rest of his working things. One more fluff of his hair and he headed out, making sure to set the alarm and lock the door behind him.
As he headed down the stairs, he heard one of the other apartment doors open.
“Young lady,” a shaking voice called out to him.
Ronnie was used to being mistaken for a woman. He paused and turned with a smile. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Could you help me please? I saw you come from upstairs. I thought Lucius liked men.” The little elderly lady waved him over to her apartment.
“He still does.” Ronnie stepped into her entryway and glanced around, his eyes lighting up at the pictures on the walls. “Are those you?”
She looked at them with a nostalgic smile. “Yes. I used to be quite the looker in my time. Used to have dinner with Alan Ladd and Cary Grant. All the big-name stars called me when they needed a date.”
Ronnie met her gaze, and she winked. He laughed and set his duffle bag on the floor. “What can I help you with?”
“My name is MaeAnne Brothers.” She held out her hand.
Feeling the paper-thin skin beneath his fingers, Ronnie gently shook her hand. “I’m Ronnie Lake.”
“You, Mr. Lake, are no girl, so I’m glad to know Lucius hasn’t been corrupted by those straight men at work.” She shivered. “Lucius is so nice, and I’m always afraid he’ll turn into a chauvinistic jerk like my brother-in-law was.”
“Don’t worry about that, Ms. Brothers. Lucius couldn’t be an ass if he tried. At least to people he cares about.”
MaeAnne giggled like a young girl. “That’s true. Now, I wondered if you could help me get a box out of my closet. It’s on the top shelf.”
“Sure. Lead me to it.”
Ronnie slipped off his shoes and padded after the tiny lady down her hallway. He gawked at all the pictures gracing the walls. MaeAnne had been beautiful and while the beauty had faded slightly, she would still stand out in a crowd. Ronnie gasped and froze as he spotted one photo.
“You met Veronica Lake?”
MaeAnne came back toward him. “Yes. I was an extra on
So Proudly We Hail
with her and Claudette Colbert. Claudette was a professional and quite generous when she wished to be. Admittedly, she didn’t hang out with the extras much, but who would expect that? She had a little quirk of always wanting to be filmed from the left side. Guess she liked that half of her face.”
“What about Veronica?”
“Ah, well, she was a different story. You look like her, so I assume you work at one of the clubs that feature female impersonators.”
He nodded, not ashamed of his job.
“Oh, I’d like to go and see one of those shows. I don’t drive anymore and some days are better than others for me to get out of the house.” She pointed at the photo of her and Veronica. “Veronica could be a bit of a pain to work with, even that early in her career. Very demanding and, at times, mean. You know, they say she drank a lot and had mental issues.”
Ronnie stuck his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, I heard that. You know, Ms. Brothers, I could arrange for you to get tickets to one of the shows. I’m sure if we ask nicely, Lucius would bring you.”
“I’d like that, Ronnie. Let’s get that box. I’m sure you have more important things to do than hang around talking to an old woman like me.”
He didn’t think anything would be more interesting than sitting down and chatting with MaeAnne about her time in Hollywood during the golden age of movies. Yet he didn’t want to overstay his welcome either. He went into the bedroom and headed over to the closet.
“It’s the dark blue box.” MaeAnne gestured toward one of the boxes to the right on the shelf.
“Got it.”
Ronnie rose up on his tiptoes and yanked the box off. He caught the box in his arms and staggered slightly under the weight. “Where do you want it?”
“Would it be too much to ask you to bring it out to the living room for me?”
“No problem.”
They returned to the living room and he set it on the coffee table. MaeAnne sat on the couch and ran her hand over the box’s top. He noticed how her hand shook.
“Can I get you anything else, Ms. Brothers?”
She smiled and shook her head. “No, and please, call me MaeAnne. I’m sure I’ll be seeing more of you around here since you were leaving Lucius’ apartment. He doesn’t let his dates spend the night. So you must be special to him.”
His cheeks heating, Ronnie ducked his head. “We were friends back in high school, and we just reconnected last night. I’m having some personal problems, so Lucius is letting me crash at his place.”
“A knight in shining armor,” MaeAnne murmured.
Ronnie didn’t like how pale she looked, so he looked around to find her sweater. After picking it up, he held it out to her.
“MaeAnne, would you like to go have lunch with me? I haven’t eaten yet, and I’d love to talk to you some more about your days in Hollywood. I bet you know all the good gossip from back then.”