Embracing Emma (Companion to Brisé) (15 page)

“Emma!” my mom shouts. She gestures for me to join her, already calling for reinforcements. “Brett and James are guarding the doors. Your dad’s on his way.” Her whisper doesn’t resonate. We are circling my Nana like a rabid animal. I step towards her, and my mom locks her hand around my arm. “No.” She studies my face, as I’m sure there is a handprint. The front door opens, and my dad barrels through. My mom gives him the run down, his eyes zeroed on my face.

He points to me. “You are leaving with William. He wanted to surprise you, but y’all are going to Tybee Island for a few days. Brett and James will meet you down there this evening to be the chaperones.” I want to protest, but I know that voice. I won’t win. I return to my room to get dressed, pack, and try to listen to the whispers from my parents.

“I’ll call in a bit.” I kiss them both.

“Nope, you’re off duty for three days. If it’s an emergency, we’ll call you. I’m serious, Emma. Take a break. Spend some time with William before he leaves for school.” I feel the unease coil. My dad loves William, but he wouldn’t willingly send me off for a vacation with him, no matter who is chaperoning.

“What’s happening?”

“Nothing.” His eyes flick to my mom, and I know he is hiding something.

“Dad . . .” I plead.

“Emma, go. The less people here right now the quicker I can get her calmed down.” I glance at the chair noticing my Nana hasn’t relaxed at all. She’s on guard, ready for a fight.

I nod. “Bye, Nana. I love you.” She screams about hogwash and cult leaders, but I tune it out. When I get home, she’ll be back to her normal self.

William is waiting by his truck with an icepack he presses against my cheek. “Sorry.” He knows I don’t care she hit me, but the reasoning behind it. It’s happening. She has no fucking clue who her family is.

“Let’s go.” For the first time, I want some time and distance. I think about the runs I can take on the beach and silently high-five myself for remembering to pack my running shoes and gear.

“You ready for some sun and fishing?”

“And naked bed time?”

“You do know my parents will be there. We have separate rooms.”

“Challenge accepted.”

He laughs at my brazen attitude and grabs my hand. Fake it till you make it is my mantra. I feel sick about the scene I just witnessed, so I’m going to use everything around me as an escape to forget.

Nights lost in his arms, his touch, his warmth. Days frolicking in the waves, drying under the sun, fishing off the pier. Laughter was rampant, and it was real. I watched Will spend needed time with his parents, no walls up, no barrier to hide behind. They enjoyed throwing the ball, Frisbee, and one-upping each other. I’ve called my parents several times a day to no avail. Brett assured me they are checking in with them but want me to enjoy myself. I try, but something seems off.

I give him enough time to put the truck in park before I’m bounding towards my house. I push the door open, anxious to see how things are, and I notice my mom and dad cuddled in the chair. The news isn’t playing, no noise what so ever. “I’m home.” They both look at me, and I see sadness all over their face.

“No,” I scream. My dad hurries to me and grabs me.

“It’s not what you think, Emma. Come sit down.” I let him lead me to the couch when I hear him inhale, and he rubs his eyes. I see how tired he is. “After the other day we had to move Nana to a memory care facility. We gave her four sedatives, Emma, and couldn’t calm her down. She is going to hurt herself.”

“You promised.”

“Damn it, I know. You think I wanted to ship my mom off for others to care for her? There are scheduled activities. We can see her whenever we want, and she has round the clock care with therapists trained for this. We were in over our heads. What if she left the house and disappeared? Or something happened to her? I couldn’t live like that, in fear.”

“How is she supposed to remember us now? She won’t. She won’t see us all the time.”

“She isn’t going to remember us regardless, Emma. It’s time to accept that. We are familiar strangers to her. Some days we are enemies, and some days we are friends. She is gone. Her body is here, but her mind isn’t. This is nobody’s fault, and I can’t change it.”

“STOP! Stop saying that. She’ll remember. She’ll get better,” I sob, my body shaking, and I fight off my dad’s hold. He doesn’t get to comfort me when he shipped her off for someone else to take care of. “I hate you.” I regret the words as I’m saying them, but I’ve committed to hurting him as much as I can. I run through the back door, take the short cut to the park, and I fall onto the dock and release the pent up aggression in my body. I know this is the best for everyone, logically. I can’t stop the guilt. We should be taking care of her; we should be there when she’s scared, happy, remembering, or forgetting. Strangers will get to celebrate her victories, cheer her through failures. She’ll remember them but not me.

Strong arms pick me up, and I know they aren’t Will’s. “Please don’t hate me,” my dad chokes. I bury my face in his neck and cry. I don’t have any other way to release the anger.

“Never,” I reassure him. I shouldn’t have said the words, but I hate so much.

I hate losing my Nana over and over.

I hate being a stranger to the woman who taught me so much.

I hate William being gone.

I hate not knowing how to fix this.

I really hate Alzheimer’s.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeat over and over. His arms never let me go, and his comfort never eases. Good or bad my dad is there. Happy or sad, he’s my rock. “I don’t hate you.”

“I’m sorry, Emma. I tried to help her.”

“We all did.” I know he’s hurting. “We’ll get through this. It’s what’s best for her.” As much as it pains me to admit that fact, it doesn’t change it. We aren’t what she needs at this stage of her life, and I have to love her enough to give her the best, even if it’s not me.

Chapter Sixteen

William

It was a complete shock followed by the ultimate meltdown from Emma when we got home and found Nana had been moved to a facility. When I saw her rush out of her house screaming I went after her. Brett stepped in my path as we both watched Luke chase after her, and Phoebe watching with tears streaming down her face.

“Let him try,” Brett reassured me. It was against my basic instinct to let anyone else comfort her, but her father needed this. James crossed the street and went to offer Phoebe moral support.

“Did you know this was happening?”

“Yes.” I want to be pissed. “It had to be done. She wasn’t safe staying at home. She’s progressed too much.” I know he’s right, but I also know how this just devastated Emma. I’m selfish to think that this will lighten her load and hoping she won’t punish herself so much with running. I need to get to the bottom of her constant running. I’m in shape, and on vacation her beach runs killed me. I couldn’t keep up, and she ended up stopping for me but looked like she was just getting warmed up. In the weeks I’ve been gone, she has lost too much weight, not that she had any extra to give up. Her bones are prominent, her stomach concave, and her facial structure much harder. She’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, but I’m going to force feed her ice cream by the pints.

I watch through the window and see Luke and Emma come back up the drive. James makes his way home. I’m fighting an inner war to walk over there and take over, but I wait to hear what James has to say.

“They asked for you to give them an hour. Luke has her calmed down, but he wants her to himself for a bit. She pitched a fit, but he held firm.”

“Okay. How is she?”

“Crushed. They all are.” I feel their pain, maybe not on the same level. Watching Nana fade was hard, but if she deteriorated that much in six weeks, I know I wouldn’t have been able to watch that day in and day out. This is sending us all in a tizzy but especially the Nichols family. Their entire routine will be altered. Days spent caring for her are now going to be free. The brief glimpses they got of the woman they all adored are now non-existent. And I fucking leave in two weeks.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“She will be fine. We’ll make sure of it. I promise you that.” James pulls me into a side hug; his words are clear with an air of a promise. I trust them to keep her best interest at heart.

“She’s running. A lot. Keep an eye on that.”

“We are.”

“How come nobody told me?”

“You couldn’t do anything, and we were keeping her on our radar. She won’t slip through the cracks. Give her whatever strength she’ll take and know when you leave, we’ve got this.”

“I love her.”

“We know.” Brett steps up and takes my other side. “We do, too. We’ve got you covered.” They always have. The slice of guilt threatens to overtake me when I replay all the times I’ve let them down.

“Thank you.”

“That’s what we are here for. Whatever you need.” I step away so I can shower and clear my head. I need to be ready when Emma calls me. I don’t wait long as her ringtone blares through the sound of water rushing around me.

“Hey, baby.” I’m wiping the water off my face, trying to keep my phone dry.

“Hey.” Her voice is husky from all the tears I know she’s been shedding.

“You need me?” I’m reaching for the towel to cut down the time it will take for me to get to her.

“Yes, but stay home. I’m going to bed.”

“Ems, I’ll be there in five minutes.”

“No. I need to get through this. You leave in less than two weeks, I need to learn how to stand on my own.” Her words slice through me. Distance won’t negate my obligation, my need to care of her.

“I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing. If you need me I’ll be there.”

“I know, but tonight I just need space.”

“Call me if you change your mind. I love you.” I want to argue with her, push her to let me come over, but I know my girl. She’s nothing if not stubborn. She’ll dig her heels in, and it will create a fight, and that’s something she doesn’t need to deal with. It kills me that she is trying to create distance, space between our need for one another. I won’t let that happen; before I leave she will know that she is my priority.

“Love you.” Her yawn cuts off her last word.

“Go to sleep, baby.” She ends the call, and I’m left standing in a towel, dread setting in because I realize by not asking for help earlier I’m the cause of the distance we are going to endure. I’ve created a wedge between us. For so long I’ve been her go-to, her rock, her salvation . . . and now she is going to find that in herself. Will she still need me? My fear of being discarded by another woman who promised to love me makes panic erupt in me. I don’t remember my birth mom, so the comparison doesn’t make sense, but I can’t help the feeling that overcomes me. I try not to have resentment, but there is so much unknown. Questions with no answers, feelings with no resolutions.

I dress and flop back on my bed lost in thoughts, shrouded in unknowns, drowning in fear. Each scenario that ends with me losing Emma evokes a terror I don’t know how to deal with; I shake the thoughts from my mind, bury them deep, and promise myself I’ll work my ass off to make her love me more, need me the way I do her, crave me the way I desire her. There can’t be an ending to our story.

I sleep like shit, and as soon as the sun shines through, I hurry and dress. Rushing downstairs, I plow into James. “Where are you going in a hurry?”

“Can you make your famous mimosas for Phoebe and Luke? I’m running to the bakery and buying them out.”

“Breakfast in thirty across the street?”

“You know it.” I high-five him as I rush to bring a smile to Emma’s face, and I know the Bavarian crème donuts will do the trick. A temporary fix maybe, but I’ll take it.

I arrive as the doors are unlocked so there isn’t a line, and I have my pick of treats, but I can’t stand the eyes I feel following me. I look up and see Old Lady Griswold staring, and her judgy eyes make my skin itch. She’s owned this bakery for as long as I’ve lived here, and her personality needs to be infused with all this sugar. Her face always looks like she’s sucked on a lemon, her tone is shrill, and she carries that damn cane like she wants to use it as a weapon.

“I don’t have all day.”

“Sorry,” I sigh. Just once I’d like to not deal with attitude in this town. “Just give me two of everything except the Bavarian crème. I’ll take all of those.”

“Are you taking these to Emma?” Her tone is indignant, and I feel her looking down on me. Their sweetheart of the community shouldn’t be messing with an outsider like me; they’ve made their thoughts clear.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I heard about her Nana.”

“Just trying to cheer her up.” I hand her my card so she can ring me up, and I can get out of here. I take the boxes and leave without a goodbye.

I decide to leave my truck in the street and wait for Brett and James, so we walk up their driveway as a united front. James doesn’t bother knocking, just being his usual obtrusive self, he barges in. Luke and Phoebe are at the table with coffee, and I look for Ems. “She’ll be down in a second. Nobody could sleep through that herd of elephants.” She stares at James.