Emerson's Fury : L.B. Pavlov (21 page)

“Oh my gosh. I can’t believe you did this,” I said, feeling the emotion building in me as well.

“I know that necklace you wear means something to you because I noticed that you only take it off for races. Now you can have an angel watching over you, and whomever else you are holding so close to your heart,” he said, smiling.

“That was very thoughtful. I love it,” I said, giving him another big hug.

“Well, don’t get too mushy. I’ve told my wife about you, and she helped come up with the idea,” he said, laughing.

“Well please tell her thank you!” I said, smiling. I took my necklace off and added the angel’s wing to my two charms from Cross. Maybe someone would be looking out for both of us now.

“I will. Merry Christmas, Ms. Hollingsworth,” he said as he got back in his car.

“See you soon,” I said, waving as he drove down the driveway.

I heard the door swing open, and as I turned around, Indy and Finn came running toward me. I was so happy to see them both.

“Emerson Grace, are you hiding out here?” Finn said jokingly.

“No, I’m not hiding!” I said, laughing and hugging them both tightly.

“How was the drive?” Indy asked with concern.

“Not bad at all. How about you?” I inquired.

“Easy breezy. Are you ready to come inside?” he said, laughing some more.

“Of course,” I said, and my brothers grabbed my bags from my car and followed me toward the house. My dad met us on the front porch, and he looked so happy to see the three of us all together.

“Hi, Dad,” I said as I gave him a hug.

“Hi, sweetie. Where is Alan? Did he follow you here? He didn’t leave before you got here, did he?” he asked, sounding completely worried and suddenly scanning the driveway in panic.

“Of course not, Dad. He just left.” I felt the tension in the air now.

“Relax, Dad. You have five guys within fifty feet,” Indy said, irritation in his voice.

My dad ignored him and continued to scan the area. Finn pushed open the door, and I heard my mother scream with excitement.

“Is that my girl?” she shouted as she came tearing toward the door. She had on her cute pink apron skirt with a little ruffle around the trim. Her hair was pulled into a loose bun, and she looked as beautiful as ever. She hugged me tightly, and she didn’t let go for a long time.

“Mom! Let her up for air!” Finn shouted and burst out laughing.

My mom pulled me away to look at me. “I’m happy you’re home, sweetie,” she said, giving me one more hug. “Come in, I have your favorite cupcakes waiting for you.”

I started to look around. It looked like the usual winter wonderland. My mom was the world’s greatest decorator. Everywhere I looked, I saw a holiday
decoration. I closed my eyes for a moment, just to take in the familiarity. It smelled like baked bread and cinnamon apple pie. The aroma reminded me of happy times. I opened my eyes and saw the fires burning in the family room and the kitchen fireplaces. My mom had pies and cookies and cupcakes on platters all around the kitchen. I spotted the family tree in the family room. It was bare. My mom always saved that for the three of us to decorate. Finn, Indy, and I always did it together. The Christmas tree in the living room was my mother’s angel tree, and it was decorated and as gorgeous as ever. She had collected the angel ornaments since I was a little girl, and she had quite the collection. The house looked beautiful, and it actually felt good to be home.

I spent the next two weeks hanging out with my brothers, Paisley, Mila, and C. J. It was nice to see my friends again. But everyone and everything reminded me of Cross. I wondered if he was home for Christmas. I wondered if he would have a stocking and presents and Christmas dinner. I wondered if he missed me a tenth as much as I missed him.

My mom had definitely had a talk with my dad because he finally relaxed once we were home safe and sound. He didn’t nag me about where I was going every second of the day as long as I had security with me. I guess that was progress.

Christmas morning was the first time that our entire family had been back together and somewhat normal. No one brought up Blane DiAmico. We opened gifts and thanked one another, and admired our packages. I didn’t have my usual excitement over Christmas, but at least I was home and attempting to be a part of my family again.

My mom and I went for a run on Christmas Day. We had kept most of our chats on the surface so far, but I figured she would want to talk. This was where we usually shared a lot with one another. I hoped she wouldn’t push hard, because I still didn’t want to talk about Cross.

“How is school, honey? Do you like it?” she asked, and we were both huffing from our brisk pace.

“School’s good,” I said quickly.

“Hannah seems great. Are you making lots of friends?” she inquired.

“Sure. Everything’s great,” I said, trying to slow my breathing down.

“Do you go out? Are you socializing?” she pressed further.

“Mom, what are you trying to get at? Do you want to know if I’m dating?” My irritation escaped in my voice.

“I want to know if you’re OK,” she said, and she turned her head in my direction. Her breathing was slow and steady.

“If I date, does that make you and Dad feel like I’m OK? Do you want to know if I’m over him?” I asked, feeling a lump grow in my throat at even the mention of Cross.

“I want to know how you’re doing with everything, Emerson,” she asked with concern. My mom didn’t have an unkind bone in her body. But I didn’t have an answer that I could share. The truth would devastate her. I knew that. She didn’t deserve to be as miserable as I was.

“I’m OK, Mom. I’m going out and meeting lots of people,” I said quietly.

“Honey, you know I’m here to talk anytime you are ready,” she said sincerely. I never, ever doubted that she meant it. I just didn’t want to talk about it. It was a dead-end conversation. My God, we had a guard driving behind us on our run. I had to move on or at least convince everyone that I had.

“Thanks, Mom. How’s the bakery?” I asked, insistent on changing the subject. I could tell that it was hurting her so much, but I knew there was no other option.

The rest of the break went by without a mention of Blane DiAmico. My mom had clearly begged my father to give us all a break over the holiday. My dad and I talked about insignificant things, and I could see that it hurt him that we were so far apart. It seemed to be the best that we could both do at the moment.

When my car was loaded and ready for my drive back to school, I hugged my brothers tightly. Ron was in his car and ready to follow me. I turned and hugged my mom. She held me so tightly, and her hug said a million words.

“I love you, Emerson.”

“I love you too, Mom,” I said as I turned toward my father.

His eyes were scanning the driveway, and when he looked at me, I saw the worry all over his face. I had a sudden vision of my dad on the eve of Indy’s birthday, screaming and terrorized by a nightmare about the day my mother was taken. Blane DiAmico so haunted my dad that I felt a tightening in my stomach. I wondered if he would ever be free of it. Would any of us ever be free of this? I hugged him as tight as I could. I wanted him to know that everyone was OK. I wanted my dad back. I felt the lump in my throat forming, and I pulled away quickly. I would not open this can of worms. I had worked so hard to keep it all intact and under control for the past two weeks. I wasn’t going to lose control now. Absolutely not.

When I pulled away, I saw a glimmer of my dad in his eyes. They were wet with tears. “I love you, Emmy,” he said quietly.

“I love you too, Dad.” I turned and walked toward my car.

As I backed down the driveway, I looked at my family. I truly loved them with my entire being. I knew that moving on was the only option. I couldn’t hurt them anymore. Everything my father was doing was out of love for all of us. I needed to be OK. That was the only way that they were going to be OK. I drove back to school and thought about last Christmas with Cross. As much as I tried to stop thinking about him, it just wasn’t possible.

I wasn’t back in my dorm room more than fifteen minutes when there was a knock at my door, and I hopped up from my bed to see who it was. I opened the door, and Jax was standing on the other side.

“Miss me?” he said charmingly.

“Come in,” I said, giving him a quick hug and climbing back up on my bed. He sat on Hannah’s bed to talk.

He filled me in on his time at home, told me all about his Christmas and the gifts that he received, and asked me out once again.

“Are you really going to just keep asking?” I said, surprised that he had yet to give up.

“Yes. I really am. You aren’t going out with anyone else, and so I’m going to ask till you say yes,” he said, smiling at me.

Jax Savage was certainly not hurting for dates, so this was baffling to me. He was very attractive—tall and lean with dark hair and dark eyes. You could have actually described him as beautiful if you wanted a good descriptive word to use for him. He was also very smart, had a great family, and was a lacrosse star at our school. Jax was very driven and knew exactly what he wanted, which was to go to law school. He had a firm ten-year plan for himself, and he loved to share it with me.

“You could just ask someone else out and not go through all of this,” I said firmly.

“I know I could. But you’re the only girl that I want to go out with,” he said convincingly.

I felt my hands start to sweat because I was so uncomfortable, and I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t just say yes. It had been months since Cross and I had broken up. Cross probably never even thought about me, and here I was hanging on to a memory that I could only read about in my journals now. I realized how desperate I was, and I hated that.

I stared at Jax; he would probably be everything that my parents would want for me. He was perfect on paper. There was only one problem: he wasn’t Cross, and he never would be. But I realized that I enjoyed his company, and so dating him could be easy and convenient. I quickly decided that I could just draw out some boundaries. I would never let the relationship go beyond the surface emotionally, but that made me feel bad for him.

“Fine. I will go on a date with you. But it will be a pre-set arrangement. No kissing. No holding hands. Just dinner and talking,” I said matter-of-factly.

“Wow, how very enticing, Emerson. That’s what we already do now, fool,” he said, laughing.

I burst out laughing as well because he was somewhat right. “Well, we go in a group now. I will go alone with you to dinner, but that’s it.”

“So business-like. Lots of rules and no fun allowed. Yet I find myself completely elated by this arrangement,” he said, falling back on the bed with more laughter.

“Fine. But if you cross the line, it’s over,” I said firmly.

Who in their right mind would go for this deal? And the fact that it was Jax, who could date anyone on campus, was insane. But he agreed, and we made dinner plans for the next night.

That night while I lay in bed, I closed my eyes tightly and saw those blue eyes. Cross Tarantino was always in my dreams. I could hear his voice, and it made me ache so much that tears began to stream down my cheeks once again. I wondered how long I would feel this way. I wondered if someday I would get married and have an agreement as I had with Jax. Would I just have a relationship that had no emotional ties just for the sake of marrying? I felt such a deep sadness, and I thought about my dad’s nightmares at that moment. He was haunted by the idea of losing his one true love, and I realized that I would have to live with this feeling for the rest of my life. My dad’s nightmares were my reality.

Jax pushed my limits on our first date. He brought flowers, which I should have included as crossing the line in our pre-date discussion. He was dressed in khakis and a crisp button-up shirt, which seemed much more formal than I had planned. I was in jeans and a sweater with some boots.

“Oh, no. Why are you all dressed up? I thought we were keeping this simple,” I said, feeling self-conscious about my attire.

He laughed. “I finally got you to agree to go to dinner; did you really expect a burger?”

“OK, let me just change really quick. And for the record, this is already too much for me,” I said, a little exasperated.

“Good, I want it to be,” he said with self-satisfaction.

I stepped into the bathroom and threw on a pencil skirt with my sweater, and then I grabbed my knee-high dress boots and slipped them on. I was irritated. It felt like a date now, and that was what I didn’t want.

“Wow. You look incredible,” he said kindly.

I already felt guilty. I didn’t want him to be nice because I wasn’t going to reciprocate. I didn’t want a boyfriend. This was supposed to be an arranged dating deal so that I wouldn’t have to constantly be asked why I didn’t date. Plus, it would make my parents feel like I was OK, and my mom would stop asking if I was all right.

Jax took me to a great steakhouse, and it was the first time that I had eaten at a nice restaurant since I had left home in the summer. When I was home for winter break, I only wanted my mother’s cooking. The best part about my arranged boyfriend was that I didn’t think about anything. I ordered what I wanted, and we talked just like friends. It was easy. This was a perfect solution—as long as Jax stayed on board with the plan.

“So, how does this work? No kissing, no hand holding, and you didn’t seem to be a fan of the flowers. Do we do this for a set amount of time?” he inquired while acting clearly amused.

“Well, it’s not as if I’ve done this before. But yes, we do this until we don’t want to do it anymore. I will totally understand if you want to break up at any time,” I said with a laugh, taking a bite of my steak.

“I won’t be breaking up anytime soon, I can assure you. Do I get weekly rules, or do the same ones stick?” he asked, continuing to find himself funny.

“I’m not discussing this right now because I am thoroughly enjoying this steak,” I said, smiling at him.

“So, what’s your h–ng-up with dating?” he asked. “Obviously something bad happened.”