Emotional Intelligence 2.0 (12 page)
Read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Online
Authors: Travis Bradberry,Jean Greaves,Patrick Lencioni
FBI agents spend much of their time trying to figure out whether suspects are lying. They study body language, voice inflections, and eye contact. The biggest clue that someone is lying occurs when
synchrony
—body language that matches the emotions being expressed—is absent.
synchrony
—body language that matches the emotions being expressed—is absent.
Synchrony is also an important tool for effective self-managers. When you are doing a good job of managing your emotions, your body language will fit the emotional tone of the situation. When you can’t keep your body language in check, it is a clear sign that your emotions are getting the best of you.
When a commercial airliner crash-landed safely in New York’s Hudson River in 2009, the pilot, Chelsea “Sully” Sullenberger, saved every soul onboard by making sure the plane hit the water at the exact angle and speed needed to avoid breaking up upon impact. To accomplish this, he silenced the alarm bells going off in his head and the fear he was feeling. He kept his composure by directing his attention away from fear and onto landing the plane. He kept his emotions from taking the controls, even though he knew the chances for survival were slim.
On most days, you won’t be crash-landing airplanes, but, if you’re like most people, you’ll have moments where your emotions are getting the better of you. To keep yourself synchronized, direct your attention away from your emotions and on to the task at hand.
Not
Emotionally Invested in Your Problem
When problems arise, your brain is constantly thinking, constantly sorting and analyzing information to decide the best course of action. The problem is, the only information your brain has to go on is what you’ve given it—what you’ve seen before and what’s happening now. The way our minds are structured, it’s far too easy to get stuck in a single train of thought. Allow this to happen and you’re severely limiting your options.
It’s no wonder that it can be such a relief to talk to someone when you are feeling confused or emotional about a situation. Not only is it helpful to talk to someone who cares about how you are feeling, but new perspectives open up additional avenues for you to explore.
When a difficult situation surfaces, seek out someone whom you trust and feel comfortable with who is not personally affected by your situation. Use this person as a sounding board for what you’ve experienced and what you are thinking and feeling about the troubling situation. Their unique perspective will help you to see things differently, and expand your options.
Choose your third party wisely. The people you invite to help you shouldn’t have a vested interest in the situation. The more your “counselors” are personally affected by the situation, the more their perspectives are going to be tainted by their own needs and feelings. The opinions of people directly affected by your situation will only muddy the waters for you and should be avoided at all costs. You should also avoid someone you know will simply agree with you. While their support feels good, it keeps you from seeing the entire picture. Sitting down with a potential devil’s advocate may irk you in the moment, but you’ll fare far better having seen things from a unique perspective.
Think back to a time when a conversation immediately put you on the defensive. There you were, forcefully gripping your sword and shield, ready to do battle. Maybe someone criticized you, or a colleague disagreed with you strongly, or perhaps someone questioned your motives. As odd as it may sound, in moments like these you are missing out on a valuable opportunity to learn from other people. Approaching everyone you encounter as though they have something valuable to teach you—something that you will benefit from—is the best way to remain flexible, open-minded, and
much
less stressed.
much
less stressed.
You can do this with pretty much any situation that happens in your life. Let’s say you are driving to work and someone cuts you off and then swerves around a corner and motors off in another direction. Even this inconsiderate jerk has something to teach you. Perhaps you need to learn to have more patience with irritating people. Or it may make you grateful that you are not in such a hurry. It is much more difficult to get angry, defensive, and stressed when you are trying to learn something from the other party.
The next time you find yourself caught off-guard and on the defensive, embrace this opportunity to learn something. Whether you learn from the other person’s feedback, or just from how they are behaving, keeping this perspective is the key to keeping yourself in control.
The physical benefits of exercise are obvious, and there always seems to be someone—a doctor, a friend, an article—reminding us that we need to do it more. What most people don’t realize is how critical exercise and other relaxing and recharging activities are to the mind. If you want to become an adept self-manager, you need to give your mind a fighting chance, and a lot of this, surprisingly, comes down to how you treat your body.
When you take time out of your day to get your blood flowing and keep your body healthy, it gives your mind an important break—the most significant rest and recharge you can give your brain beyond sleep. While intense physical activity is ideal, other more relaxing and equally invigorating diversions can also have a great effect on your mind. Yoga, massage, gardening or a stroll through the park are all relaxing ways to give your mind a breather. These activities—though none more so than vigorous exercise—release chemicals in your brain like serotonin and endorphins that recharge it and help to keep you happy and alert. They also engage and strengthen areas in your brain that are responsible for good decision-making, planning, organization, and rational thinking.
For most of us the biggest challenge in implementing this strategy is finding the time to squeeze these things into our day. They tend to tumble down our priority list as work, family, and friends monopolize our days. If you recognize recharging your mind for what it is—a maintenance activity that’s as important to your brain as brushing your teeth is for your mouth—it’s easier to schedule it into your calendar at the start of the week, rather than waiting to see if you find the time. If you want to improve your self-management skills, implementing this strategy will be well worth the effort.
None of us is born with a crystal ball that predicts the future. Since you can’t foresee every change and every obstacle that life throws in your path, the key to navigating change successfully is your perspective
before
changes even surface.
before
changes even surface.
. . . admit to yourself that even the most stable, trusted facets of your life are not completely under your control.
The idea here is to prepare for change. This is not so much a guessing game where you test your accuracy in anticipating what’s next, but rather thinking through the consequences of potential changes so that you aren’t caught off guard if they surface. The first step is to admit to yourself that even the most stable, trusted facets of your life are not completely under your control. People change, businesses go through ebbs and flows, and things just don’t stay the same for long. When you allow yourself to anticipate change—and understand your options if changes occur—you prevent yourself from getting bogged down by strong emotions like shock, surprise, fear and disappointment when changes actually happen. While you’re still likely to experience these negative emotions, your acceptance that change is an inevitable part of life enables you to focus and think rationally, which is critical to making the most out of an unlikely, unwanted or otherwise unforeseen situation.
The best way to implement this strategy fully is to set aside a small amount of time either every week or every other week to create a list of important changes that you think could
possibly
happen. These are the changes you’ll want to be prepared for. Leave enough room below each change on your list to write out all the possible actions you will take should the change occur. And below that, jot down ideas for things that you can do now to prepare for that change. What are the signs that you can keep an eye out for that would suggest the change is imminent? Should you see these signs, is there anything you can do to prepare and soften the blow? Even if the changes on your list never come to fruition, just anticipating change and knowing what you’d do in response to it makes you a more flexible and adaptive person overall.
possibly
happen. These are the changes you’ll want to be prepared for. Leave enough room below each change on your list to write out all the possible actions you will take should the change occur. And below that, jot down ideas for things that you can do now to prepare for that change. What are the signs that you can keep an eye out for that would suggest the change is imminent? Should you see these signs, is there anything you can do to prepare and soften the blow? Even if the changes on your list never come to fruition, just anticipating change and knowing what you’d do in response to it makes you a more flexible and adaptive person overall.
7
SOCIAL AWARENESS STRATEGIES
H
ave you ever had a coworker approach you, and without you saying anything, he understood what kind of day you were having and where your mind was wandering? He knew you must have come from a meeting with so-and-so because he could “see it” all over your face. He knew it was probably time to let you vent, instead of asking for that favor he had in mind. He must have picked up on something.
ave you ever had a coworker approach you, and without you saying anything, he understood what kind of day you were having and where your mind was wandering? He knew you must have come from a meeting with so-and-so because he could “see it” all over your face. He knew it was probably time to let you vent, instead of asking for that favor he had in mind. He must have picked up on something.
Or how about that waitress who seems to “just know” what each of her customers need: one couple is in their own world and prefers to be alone; another couple welcomes some fresh conversation from a new person, while another table wants professional and polite service, minus the small talk. Everyone’s sitting at a table to eat and drink and be served, and yet there’s so much below the surface that makes each table unique. How does she quickly size up these tables and know their needs?
Both this perceptive coworker and the waitress have a high level of social awareness, a skill they use to recognize and understand the moods of other individuals and entire groups of people. Though these two may be seasoned veterans at this, it is a skill that they most likely learned and practiced over time.
Instead of looking inward to learn about and understand yourself, social awareness is looking
outward
to learn about and appreciate others. Social awareness is centered on your ability to recognize and understand the emotions of others. Tuning into others’ emotions as you interact with them will help you get a more accurate view of your surroundings, which affects everything from relationships to the bottom line.
outward
to learn about and appreciate others. Social awareness is centered on your ability to recognize and understand the emotions of others. Tuning into others’ emotions as you interact with them will help you get a more accurate view of your surroundings, which affects everything from relationships to the bottom line.
To build your social awareness skills, you will find yourself observing people in all kinds of situations. You may be observing someone from afar while you’re in a checkout line, or you may be right in the middle of a conversation observing the person to whom you are speaking. You will learn to pick up on body language, facial expressions, postures, tone of voice, and even what is hidden beneath the surface, like deeper emotions and thoughts.
One of the intriguing things about building an acutesense of social awareness is that emotions, facial expressions, and body language have been shown to translate across many different cultures. You can use these skills wherever you are.
The lens you look through must be clear. Making sure you are present and able to give others your full attention is the first step to becoming more socially aware. Looking outward isn’t just about using your eyes: it means tapping into your senses. Not only can you fully utilize your basic five senses, but you can also include the vast amount of information coming into your brain through your sixth sense, your emotions. Your emotions can help you notice and interpret cues other people send you. These cues will give you some help in putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
The 17 strategies in this section will help you tackle the obstacles that get in your way and provide you with a helping hand when the going gets tough. You can only attend to so much, so it’s critical to pick up on the right signals. These proven social awareness strategies will help you do just that.
Maybe you’ve been named after a special relative or family friend, or maybe you have a nickname that abbreviates your long last name. Whatever the story is behind your name, it’s an essential part of your identity. It feels so good when people use your name and remember it.
Greeting someone by name is one of the most basic and influential social awareness strategies you can adopt. It’s a personal and meaningful way to engage someone. If you have a tendency to withdraw in social situations, greeting someone by name is a simple way to stick your neck out; using someone’s name breaks down barriers and comes across as warm and inviting. Even if you are a social butterfly, greeting people by name is a strategy to live by.
Whatever the story is behind your name, it’s an essential part of your identity. It feels so good when people use your name and remember it.
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