Emotional Intelligence 2.0 (6 page)
Read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Online
Authors: Travis Bradberry,Jean Greaves,Patrick Lencioni
“Mei has a hard time congratulating staff for their accomplishments, and it comes across as jealousy. It feels like I am in competition with her rather than feeling like she wants me to succeed. I think Mei is a great sales professional, and she treats clients well. I wish she would give her employees the same treatment.”
“Mei needs to be proactive instead of reactive. In times of crisis, she shouldn’t reveal to everyone how stressed she is. She’s so focused and driven to personally succeed that perhaps she takes on too much herself. She has a demanding workload managing the West Coast Team, but she needs to hold her emotions back when people vent about their own problems in meetings.”
As the first component of social competence, social awareness is a foundational skill. Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them. This often means perceiving what other people are thinking and feeling even if you do not feel the same way. It’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions and forget to consider the perspective of the other party. Social awareness ensures you stay focused and absorb critical information.
Listening and observing are the most important elements of social awareness. To listen well and observe what’s going on around us, we have to stop doing many things we like to do. We have to stop talking, stop the monologue that may be running through our minds, stop anticipating the point the other person is about to make, and stop thinking ahead to what we are going to say next. It takes practice to really
watch
people as you interact with them and get a good sense of what they are thinking and feeling. At times, you’ll feel like an anthropologist. Anthropologists make their living watching others in their natural state without letting their own thoughts and feelings disturb the observation. This is social awareness in its purest form. The difference is you won’t be 100 yards away watching events unfold through a pair of binoculars. To be socially aware, you have to spot and understand people’s emotions while you’re right there in the middle of it—a contributing, yet astutely aware, member of the interaction.
watch
people as you interact with them and get a good sense of what they are thinking and feeling. At times, you’ll feel like an anthropologist. Anthropologists make their living watching others in their natural state without letting their own thoughts and feelings disturb the observation. This is social awareness in its purest form. The difference is you won’t be 100 yards away watching events unfold through a pair of binoculars. To be socially aware, you have to spot and understand people’s emotions while you’re right there in the middle of it—a contributing, yet astutely aware, member of the interaction.
What people who work with him say:
“Alfonso has a rare talent to be able to read the emotions of others very well. He adjusts to different situations and manages to build relationships with almost anyone. Good examples are dinners, meetings, and ride-alongs with reps.”
“Alfonso does an excellent job relating to the frustrations reps have with other departments within our company. He is always looking out for his reps, and has the ability to put himself in the reps’ shoes, and ask himself what is wrong with the situation. People become very loyal to Alfonso.”
“Alfonso recognizes emotions very effectively when it comes to the end-of-month numbers and end-of-year numbers with his reps, getting the most out of his team. He was great at building relationships with the surgeons at the dinner table because he could read how to lead the conversation without them feeling like they were being controlled.”
What people who work with her say:
“Maya has an uncanny ability to spot and address the elephant in the room. She does a good job acknowledging other people’s feelings when communicating difficult news. She reflects how others are feeling, and adapts her communication style to help reach a resolution. She gets to know people on a personal level so she can better understand their perspectives and work well with them.”
“Maya is great in executive team meetings where she respectfully listens to her peers and then offers her opinion. She has a sincere interest in understanding people and offers them valuable insights based on what they’re saying or doing. She is a good team-builder who strengthens bonds within the team.”
“Maya is the most effective ‘active listener’ I have ever seen. She is skilled at communicating the ‘context’ for her comments with the goal of ensuring understanding. She is respectful toward others while being able to establish her authority. Maya motivates and inspires people. She can uplift people and put them at ease.”
What people who work with him say:
“Craig needs to allow others to feel good about their ideas, even when he has a better plan. He also needs to be more patient, and allow them to have equally effective plans that are just different from his plan. I would like him to seek to understand what people are feeling and thinking and notice what evidence there is regarding situations
before
speaking his opinion or offering solutions.”
before
speaking his opinion or offering solutions.”
“Craig needs to listen better. He needs to pay attention to what is being said rather than thinking about what he wants to say. It is usually apparent in his body language that he is not listening, which puts people off. I also wish that he would be more accurate when representing other people’s ideas.”
“Craig is not one to socialize. He is so focused on work and sometimes comes across as not interested in what’s going on with a person on that particular day. When he has new ideas (or ideas from his former firm), he has a hard time explaining them so the staff will accept them. Craig should learn to listen to others with his ears and with his heart. He seems to have a ‘hardening of his positions,’ and it makes him unwilling to accept other people’s viewpoints or include their input in his decisions.”
What people who work with her say:
“Rachel misses the non-technical currents in meetings. The mood and evolution of opinions are lost on her. Rachel needs to learn to absorb the non-technical, human side of meetings and become a student of people and their feelings.”
“Rachel gets singularly focused on a particular issue and does not see the forest for the trees. This can get frustrating for those of us around her. She is typically oblivious to our reactions. She should check with everyone around the table to calibrate where their head is at before getting too enmeshed in the details of her project. She would be better served by framing the topic in large chunks rather than taking everyone through the details straight away.”
“Rachel can sometimes get so caught up in her own thoughts during meetings and one-on-one conversations that she is not really listening to either the explicit or implicit dialogue going on. This makes her less effective because she is not actively participating in the ongoing conversation and misses opportunities to influence the direction. Rachel needs to work on considering issues from the other person’s agenda or point of view so that she can more effectively influence, or at least directly address, their perspective. It will also help her to work on making her conversations as concise and targeted as possible. People can lose interest or get confused during long explanations, or when they are unclear about the message.”
Though relationship management is the second component of social competence, this skill often taps into your abilities in the first three emotional intelligence skills: self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully. This ensures clear communication and effective handling of conflict. Relationship management is also the bond you build with others over time. People who manage relationships well are able to see the benefit of connecting with many different people, even those they are not fond of. Solid relationships are something that should be sought and cherished. They are the result of how you understand people, how you treat them, and the history you share.
The weaker the connection you have with someone, the harder it is to get your point across. If you want people to listen, you have to practice relationship management and seek benefits from every relationship, especially the challenging ones. The difference between an interaction and a relationship is a matter of frequency. It’s a product of the quality, depth, and time you spend interacting with another person.
Relationship management poses the greatest challenge for most people during times of stress. When you consider that more than 70 percent of the people we’ve tested have difficulty handling stress, it’s easy to see why building quality relationships poses a challenge. Some of the most challenging and stressful situations people face are at work. Conflicts at work tend to fester when people passively avoid problems, because people lack the skills needed to initiate a direct, yet constructive conversation. Conflicts at work tend to explode when people don’t manage their anger or frustration, and choose to take it out on other people. Relationship management gives you the skills you need to avoid both scenarios, and make the most out of every interaction you have with another person.
What people who work with her say:
“Gail has an innate ability to read people and their emotions, and she uses what she learns to create a safe and inviting forum for discussion. There has never been a time that Gail’s door was not ‘open’ when I have needed her, and she always manages to maintain a pleasant and professional manner even when her workload is demanding. People know that they can count on Gail and what they say to her in confidence will be respected and not repeated.”
“Gail is very sensitive to others and tries to make situations better. When someone is upset, she asks just enough questions to get a handle on the situation, and then is able to give concrete advice and help to the person, making them feel 100% better. Gail makes you feel smart and confident when she delivers feedback, even if you’ve made a mistake. She helps her staff improve and grow, and she sets a good example for dealing with people assertively and speaking up.”
“Even during tough conversations, Gail is concerned about maintaining good, comfortable relationships with all parties involved. Gail finds out something about the other person’s interests and inquires about it when meeting, even if it appears there is no common ground. Gail has a firm handle on her own emotions and almost seems to feel what you feel when she is talking with you, which helps you feel like she relates to you and understands you.”
What people who work with him say:
“Allister is a wonderfully patient, empathetic listener, which is why his patients love him. He tries very hard to be nonjudgmental and gives people the benefit of the doubt. He is the same way with the nurses and technicians. I’ve seen Allister in situations where his patients’ families were asking difficult questions, and he was able to remain calm and answer without alienating the family member asking the questions. He listens carefully to what others say and never shows if he is upset or bothered by it. He responds kindly but with authority.”
“Allister’s interaction skills are supreme. In situations that I’ve witnessed him less than pleased with a specific outcome, he has always expressed his position with thoughtful insight about his expectations without anger or outburst. I’d describe him as direct, yet free from confrontation or sounding out of control. He is also quick to praise the staff’s efforts and success when deserving. He is good at seeing the overall picture and then counseling in a compassionate and realistic manner.”
“I have never left Allister feeling anything less than 110%. He knows when to approach an issue sensitively, and knows when to give praise and encouragement. Allister knows his colleagues very well, and this enables him to handle conflict in a calm and positive manner. He’s respected for collecting feedback before drawing conclusions. He tries to find the best way to communicate with others, even when there’s an atmosphere of resistance, confusion, or outright conflict. His ability to empathize with others is outstanding, and it creates positive, strong relationships.”
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