Enchanted Dreams (20 page)

To illustrate this, I reminded Eleanor what she had told me about her sex life with her husband. She had stated that one of the issues she had
prior
to counseling was that his overbearing manner left her feeling demeaned and turned off. She named several things in particular that bothered her, such as pushing her head down toward his penis in an effort to get oral sex from her, or often wanting to tie her up during sex. Her response to this behavior at that time was to avoid sex with him altogether. This is shockingly inconsistent with what she told me last week, and even today when we discussed it. She said that she began to intentionally wear her hair in pigtails so that her husband could grasp hold of them and force her to take more of him into her mouth and throat whenever he chose to do so. Furthermore, in the months preceding her husband's death, they were almost never intimate without her being restrained in some way, whether she was chained to a wall by her gold-studded collar, or tied up with her nylons, ankles to wrists, to make her body more accessible to him. She not only cooperated with all of his requests, but actively conspired with him over them—all for the pleasure of pleasing him!

When challenged with these examples taken from her very own statements, Eleanor was at first confused, but then became angry. In spite of my efforts, she remains obstinate in her delusion that her husband did change for the better in therapy and that he had begun to make her "happy."

My curiosity finally got the better of me, and this afternoon I ran a background check on Dr. Czernick. I'm not sure what I expected to find but I was a little disappointed when there wasn't much there. He's achieved most of his acclaim through his recent success in couples' therapy. He published a few articles about his philosophies on treating couples, which I found somewhat interesting but not enlightening in Eleanor Dobbs's case. About a decade or so ago, he had been associated with a research facility by the name of Cyndo-Kline Laboratories. I couldn't find much on them—they have since gone out of business—except that a drug they created was turned down by the FDA. Probably it's nothing, but I have an old acquaintance at the FDA—Monte or Mick, is it? He may remember something about Cyndo-Kline and their drug. I'll put in a call to him.

Last night, out of boredom more than anything else, I finally gave in and had sex with Tom. My emotions throughout were strangely mixed. At first, his touch actually repelled me; I have so much resentment stored up against him. His hands felt prying and intrusive, particularly when he reached under my clothing. There was an assertiveness in his manner that seemed antagonistic to me. He touched me with a kind of ownership that caused my skin to recoil under his fingertips and every fiber of my being to be repulsed.

Yet I was strangely aware of it from his vantage point, too. Here was the man who had married me believing that this would be one of his regular conjugal benefits. Back then I couldn't get enough of him, although things have changed so much since then. I could tell that he was filled with resentment, too; I could feel it in his probing touch as he moved over me with an air of entitlement. And I understood him perfectly in that moment. I knew that the greater part of his pleasure was in getting me to submit.

Meanwhile, the repulsion I initially felt from his touch quickly transformed into a strangely powerful sensation that was more erotic than anything I could remember experiencing with Tom before. It seemed as if we had reached a temporary breaking point, where Tom finally asserted himself and I acquiesced. It would have been equally exciting for me had it been the other way around, which is why I understood how Tom felt and was able to appreciate it for what it was. But the knowledge that Tom would never comprehend my need sometimes to dominate as well, made the moment bittersweet.

The sex, once I fully submitted, was actually pretty good. It was as if I had crossed a threshold from the old habit of holding back into a new dimension of giving up all that I had to give. The decision to actually let go and accept it was the hardest part, because it meant letting go of my anger and resentment and putting aside the belief that I am right and have been wronged. It meant allowing myself to take and give pleasure to the person who has been causing me all of this anguish. It was quite liberating and gave me a bit of insight into the world of sexual submission (I couldn't help but think of Eleanor). I was still aware of each and every hurt, but these only made the pleasure all the more poignant when I, for example, took him in my mouth while remembering all his cruel taunts about how I rarely gave him this pleasure and, when I did, how miserably I failed to please. Recalling these experiences seemed to actually enhance my pleasure as I made the extra effort to please him now. I found these thoughts so exciting that I wondered if my submission would have been half so pleasurable without this bitter edge to it!

Tom did not appear to notice any struggle within me, being too caught up in taking full advantage of the situation. This, too, suited my sudden need to have him be the strong, dominant male. He ravaged me completely and this morning I awoke with a few mildly aching reminders.

Immediately after it was over last night, Tom instantly returned to his weaker self, complaining petulantly that we weren't intimate like this more often. My resentment returned with renewed strength, along with a strong regret for having submitted to him. But strangely, all of this that is happening with Tom only manages to absorb the tiniest bit of my attention. It is no more than a distraction, really (perhaps that was why I was able to submit to begin with). I find that I am immersed in my patients' lives much more than I am in my own. There are simply too many issues on my mind at the moment for me to worry about Tom.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Eleanor Dobbs and I continue to discuss the discrepancies between her memories of her marriage and the reality. Perhaps I should be more indulgent in light of her obvious grief issues, but I am trying to find out how her therapy with Dr. Czernick works into all of this. I am convinced that Eleanor is delusional, but I don't know if Dr. Czernick has a part in it. Eleanor defends her husband's behavior with the mechanical single-mindedness of a Stepford Wife.

I finally reached my friend (Mortt) at the FDA. He was very curious to know why I was inquiring about the research conducted at Cyndo-Kline, but I was careful to tell him as little as possible. He remembered the company and the drug they submitted called Zeldane. It was presented as a treatment for insomnia. Mortt could not recall all of the details, but he did remember that it was rejected due to side effects.

This will all probably amount to little more than a huge waste of my time, but for some reason I want to know more about Dr. Czernick and his drug. I asked Eleanor today if Dr. Czernick had prescribed anything during her treatment with him and she said that he had not.

Tom has reverted back to his usual passive-aggressive self, brooding and morose, playing the part of the longsuffering husband to the hilt. Every now and then, he makes some feeble attempt at an appearance of conciliation but I have come to believe that he does these things only to add credence to his belief that he is the victim. He sent me flowers again today! No matter how many times he sends them, it never quite loses its ability to irritate me. And this is the crux of the matter between us. Tom will not capitulate to me on any single thing, not even when he is giving me a gift! I would rather he assert himself in other ways, instead of stubbornly clinging to his outdated modes of pleasing a woman which
this
woman does not find pleasing.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I continue to attempt a breakthrough with Eleanor Dobbs, even though I realize I may be pushing her too hard. She seems frustrated and discouraged when I persist in questioning her over the lists. But I can't help reminding her that, at one point, these behaviors bothered her so much that she sought counseling. How is it that those same behaviors suddenly became a source of happiness for her. However, I cannot get her to explain or even acknowledge these inconsistencies.

It calls to mind the psychological journals I read in college about propaganda and mind control. Eleanor's responses to my questions are too automatic and mechanical, reminding me of victims of brainwashing.

These impressions I have in Eleanor Dobbs's case have been amplified by the recent information I found on Dr. Czernick's research drug. I was finally able to learn that Zeldane came from a distant strain of the popular "Z-drugs," nonbenzodiazepines that act within the central nervous system like the benzodiazepines, but without the addictive properties. Zeldane, it seems, also has many of the same properties as sodium pentothal (truth serum), and was originally thought to be a better, nonaddictive choice for therapists who use that drug in therapy. However, in clinical tests, Zeldane was found to cause amnesia and promote acute hallucinations in the patients that participated.

I feel that I am onto something important here, and yet it is hard for me to accept what I'm thinking. Both amnesia and hallucinations would be useful tools for brainwashing. But this fits together rather too neatly, which makes me think it could all be a bizarre coincidence. I'm not confident that I'm altogether objective about this, either. From the onset I have distrusted Dr. Czernick and his methods in couples' therapy, and my skepticism has likely clouded my judgment. I must proceed carefully. While my instincts are almost frantic with alarm (another reason to proceed with caution), my more practical side tells me that my assumptions are preposterous. What is the likelihood that there is a connection here (it would be tantamount to mind control!)? And aside from all of this, I know that I am obsessing over this too much.

I can't even think about Tom right now. And of course, with his usual self-absorbed sense of timing, he wants resolutions right this minute! I find it impossible, sometimes, to remember why I ever married him.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My focus today with Eleanor Dobbs was to try and pinpoint the exact moment when her feelings about her husband's behavior began to change. When did his actions stop annoying her and begin to make her happy? It was extremely difficult to get answers from her because her memory of her sessions alone with Dr. Czernick is almost completely erased. Of course, this is often the case with hypnosis. Although I could not locate a specific time or event that would enlighten me on what caused the change to come about, it has become apparent that it began to happen after about three of Eleanor's sessions alone with Dr. Czernick. I questioned her again about any medications administered or prescribed, but she insists that there were none.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to find out more about Zeldane. It's difficult with the research lab closed down and disassembled. I would have liked to have spoken to some of the patients who participated in the test studies, but I have no way of knowing who they were. I remember Mortt mentioned a competitive pharmaceutical company being involved in this, as well. They were opposed to Zeldane coming onto the market. It's very possible that their opposition was prompted by their own interests as a competitor, but clearly they must have had some information about the drug. They were instrumental in getting the FDA to reject it. It's hard to say whether or not their information will be reliable, given the source. These drug companies are extremely competitive, and the actual performance of the drugs can be secondary to the interests of the big companies invested in them. Even so, I would like to take a closer look at the actual clinical data on the patients who used Zeldane. I was fortunate enough to get an appointment with Dr. Lang, who prepared the clinical findings on Zeldane for the opposing company. I will speak with him the beginning of next week.

Tom seemed different when he confronted me last night. He was angry and forceful, issuing ultimatums. I can see that he is getting more and more frustrated, and I am, too. The tables have certainly turned since a few years ago! But now that I am the one engrossed in my work, I find it ironic that Tom is so unsympathetic. He suddenly and unexpectedly decides he wants to work on our marriage, and now I'm supposed to drop everything and jump in line? I couldn't do that even if I wanted to, and I'm not sure that I do. All the former neglect has forced me to become more invested in my work and I actually find it much more gratifying than being Tom's wife. Tom claims that his preoccupation with work was out of necessity, whereas mine is merely an escape. Very profound for an engineer, but I couldn't help reminding him that I am the trained psychotherapist! And of course, he couldn't resist pointing out that it was his working overtime that put me through school in the first place. Everything is always about him!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I think I may be nearing a breakthrough with Eleanor Dobbs. She seems to be susceptible to deprogramming therapy, such as used on victims of brainwashing. This is experimental at this stage. If she responds to the therapy, it will confirm my suspicions. But the therapy is tedious and time-consuming, so a definitive answer may not be soon in coming. As well, it is clear that Eleanor's case is different than most cases of brainwashing. More than enough time has passed for a kind of natural deprogramming to have begun to take effect—even without therapy, it is inevitable that her own thoughts will begin to assert themselves again once the source of the brainwashing has been removed. Whether the source was her husband or the counseling, she is going on a year now and her delusional thinking appears to be gaining in strength. This seems to support the idea that the problem lies within her, rather than with an outside influence.

This brings me to my discussion with Dr. Lang yesterday. He referred to his notes throughout our conversation, offering no speculations of his own about how the drug Zeldane might be used. He very simply reiterated what I had already learned about the drug up to that point. I questioned him in particular about the hallucinations, but the data was not very detailed. He did recall one man who had taken Zeldane as a sleep aid just before his house caught on fire. For a long time after the incident, the man's wife claimed that he would wake up during the night with hallucinations of the fire—exactly as if it were happening—over and over again. He had no memory of these hallucinations in the morning.