End of the Tiger (14 page)

She was an only child and she lived with her father and mother in a big old house two blocks from us. I would go over there and we would go up to her room and I would try to hammer the plausibilities of mathematics past the bland incomprehension of her blue blue eyes. I remember when, after I had turned thirteen, Mr. Hoover suddenly made a rule that we could not study in her room. It seemed to both of us to be an incomprehensible ultimatum. He changed toward me that year. He had always been very friendly and jolly. He grew cooler. I thought it was because I had offended him in some way. I did not understand until much later.

In school, in the early years, I was popular enough and husky enough to be able to risk having a girl as a good friend. And Judy was a good friend. We both read a lot, read the same books, talked about them. After reading a book we particularly liked we would become
characters out of the book—until the next good one. I would not say we were inseparable. That came later. Sometimes we would not see each other for a week. But we always picked up where we left off without effort.

I was fifteen and beginning my second year of high school when Judy entered high school as a freshman. The beginnings of awareness have been so exhaustively dealt with that it is hard to speak of what happened between us without uncomfortable triteness. We both thought it was our special miracle and had never of course happened to any other two people in exactly that way. I can even remember the very moment when she stopped being Judy my friend and became Judy my girl. I was walking along the second floor corridor of the high school building toward the drinking fountain. Adolescence had filled me with curious imaginings and lurid dreams. With my new awareness of the flesh, I watched a blonde girl walking ahead of me, watched her good legs and the swing of her skirt and the feminine shoulders. She turned, and I saw with amazement that it was Judy, and saw that she had somehow become pretty. It was never the same again.

Though high school children did not go steady then to the extent that they do now, we became a unit, an entity, in the social life of the school. Judy and Hal. Hal and Judy. It was unthinkable that either of us would go out with anyone else. My parents accepted the situation more readily than hers. Judy told me many an account of household combat over our design for living. But Judy had a firm line of jaw and it was eventually accepted—though with not the best of grace. She told me once that her father had tried to get a transfer so they could move her away from me. I said that if that happened, we would run away together. She said it was the only possible thing we could do.

Mr. Hoover was cool toward me. He was a tall loose-jointed man with many awkwardnesses of posture and movement. He spoke in an abrupt jerky way. His hair was very dark, and his skin had a glossy yellowish look to it. I thought him quite old but now, looking back, I realize with a feeling of shock that he was young. His awkwardnesses I would now classify as boyishness. They
had married very young. Judy’s mother was a handsome woman who played a harp, an instrument I thought highly exotic.

Judy and I were closely supervised by Mr. Hoover. He intended to afford us no opportunity for sexual experimentation. But in my last year in the high school, before that last summer, we found opportunity for greater closeness. She was a virgin when she died, but I had the memory of my hand touching that young breast, memories of bruised lips, of aching closeness. I now believe that without the difficulties placed in our path by her father I would have possessed her. We were very much in love. All the path of our life from then on was clear to us. There could be no greater certainty than ours.

Judy was good. I do not mean that in a moralistic sense. She was stubborn as mules, sometimes moody, often capricious. But she was gay, honest, intelligent. And pretty, and clean as a cat.

It happened on the twenty-third day of August. It was a Friday. I was pumping gas that summer, paying off the loan that had gone toward my Model A Ford. I had permission to take it away to college with me—if I paid off the loan. The station was owned by a man named Shinley. It was on Bay Street near the railroad crossing. It was a little after three in the afternoon, a hot afternoon. I knew that Judy had gone swimming at the West Hudson Country Club with Martha Baer. Had I not been working, I would probably have been there too. It is a small inexpensive club with a big pool.

I brought change to a man and when he drove away, I saw Martha Baer standing there looking at me with a strange expression. She was a stocky girl with glossy black hair and a happy smile. She wasn’t smiling. She seemed to be looking at something right behind me, so intently, in fact, that I turned around to see if Judy was sneaking up on me.

I asked Martha what was up. She answered me in a flat, singsong, recitative voice. “Mose killed Judy. Mose killed Judy a little while ago.” She turned and walked away, a dumpy girl in red slacks, walking slowly through the August afternoon.

It took a long time for the words to make any sense. It was like throwing a rubber ball at a wall, aiming at a hole just big enough for the ball. It keeps missing and bouncing back. Then it goes through the hole. The afternoon stopped. Everything stopped. I felt like ice. Then I realized I was in my car, going too fast toward the edge of town, half-crying, so that it was hard to see.

You could get sandwiches and cold drinks at the club, but it was expensive. We all used to walk down the highway from the club to a lunch stand run by a bald man named Goekel and his redheaded daughter. They did a good business. In June Mr. Goekel had acquired a bear. It was a black bear, not large. Some friend of his had acquired it somehow in the Adirondacks. Mr. Goekel had it in a big, sturdy cage and he planned to turn it over to a zoo when the weather got cold. In the meantime I imagine it improved business because a lot of people would stop to look at it. I believe it was Ginny, the redheaded daughter, who named him Mose, Old Man Mose.

Judy and I always stopped at the cage to say hello to Mose. Mose trudged forever back and forth inside the bars, swinging his head, turning ponderously at the corners. Sometimes he would give a sigh that seemed very human. He wasn’t very big, and his coat had a dusty look. His muzzle was blunt. He had little weary-looking piggish eyes. “Poor old Mose,” Judy would say. “Poor tired old Mose.”

On rare occasions Mose would stop his pacing and heave himself up and stand with his forepaws against the bars. It made him seem much bigger. He could look you in the eye. He would stare out and grunt and drop back down and continue to plod back and forth.

As I made the turn on the highway a gray ambulance passed me, heading back into town. It was traveling within the speed limit, its siren silent, no red dome light flashing. There were many cars and a lot of people at the stand. Mose was dead in his cage. His blood looked very dark on the rough cement floor. The stand itself was closed. The shutters had been pulled down and locked. People stood and looked at the dead bear.

It wasn’t until a few weeks later, long after the funeral, that Martha Baer told me in detail how it happened.
They both had a hot dog and a coke and they were standing close to the cage, watching Mose pace back and forth. I can still see how it would have looked. The two girls, one dark and stocky and one slim and fair, watching the dusty bear in his highway prison. Judy was wearing sandals, a white skirt, and a yellow sweater. The hair of both girls was still damp from swimming. Judy, between hungry bites, was crooning to the bear, saying, “Poor old man Mose.”

Martha said they were standing quite close. Mose did his trick of heaving himself up onto his hind legs. Martha said she instinctively moved back a half step. Mose was peering out through the bars in his piggish way. Martha said she took a drink from her bottle of coke just then, squinting her eyes against the sun. Just as she lowered the bottle she heard an odd thick heavy sound. She said it was sort of a damp sound, as though someone dropped a soaking wet wadded towel onto a tile floor. She saw Judy fall, the top of her head ruined. She saw the white skirt and yellow sweater against the dust, the bottle rolling as the coke spilled, the hotdog roll bursting apart. Mose dropped to all fours and began pacing again.

She said she got over being faint after they had covered the body, before the ambulance arrived. She said she watched when the state trooper killed the bear. She said she wanted to see the bear killed. The trooper had stood, biting his lip. He waited with the muzzle of the gun between the bars until Mose plodded into close range. With the gun almost against Mose’s head, the trooper had fired. She said Mose stood for a moment, looking down at the concrete floor. Blood dropped from his muzzle and then he collapsed. The trooper fired all the rest of the bullets in his gun into the bear’s body. Martha said dust puffed out where each bullet hit. She said she had wanted to see the bear killed, but it hadn’t been just the way she had expected.

My life seemed unreal to me for about two years. I could not comprehend that this thing had happened. After two years I came back into focus and stopped a lot of damn foolish activities and went on to college, just two years behind schedule. I had rolled in my own martyrdom
long enough. But things never became for me what they had once been.

I remember now that during college when I spoke of Judy to any other girl, and I am afraid I did that too often, I would say that she had drowned. It was more understandable to them. There was something too macabre and even elusively comic to say she had been killed by a bear. Comic is a shocking word to use under such circumstances, but it is true. It is the first instinctive reaction before the realization of horror. Horror is there in the incredibly quick blow of the cruel paw that smashed the fragile skull.

But this is also the memory of shame. And that, too, must be admitted. The incident happened in September, the month after her death. I certainly knew better. I have no excuse. Or, if there is any excuse permitted, it is that I was young and bitterly hurt, and the young have fetishes about the display of emotion.

It was a thick misty afternoon, a day of mild rains. I was on the front porch of our house with a friend named Don Ailery. Don’s little brother was there, too, an active pest five years old. My family was out. The front porch extended around the corner of the house. We were around the corner, Don and I, sitting on the glider, our feet on the railing, talking. The talk was about Judy and the bear. I guess the whole town had talked about it for a month. My awareness of my own loss was something that came in great waves. The worst was to wake up in the morning and remember that this would be a day without Judy. One more day out of the thousands ahead of me.

The smaller brother was thumping around on the porch, playing some game of his own. I was talking about Judy. I was proud of my control. A hard guy. You didn’t bleat about loss. You played your minor role in “Hell’s Angels,” judiciously accepting the bad flip of the coin.

I hear my own voice. “She wasn’t a bad kid, Don. Not a bad kid at all. She could be a pest sometimes. I guess you remember how she looked in a bathing suit, all right. Judy could be a hot little number.”

Don was looking beyond me, his face strangely blank. I turned and saw Mr. Hoover standing there looking at us. He had a box in his hand. It was a small cardboard box
tied with brown cord. He looked at me. He had heard me. He looked at me without anger. He looked tired and puzzled. He held the box awkwardly. No one spoke. Even the little brother seemed quelled, though he could not have understood the implications of the situation.

Mr. Hoover turned abruptly away and walked back down the porch to the steps. I followed him slowly, and there were no words I could say. I could not say that my words meant nothing, that I bled inside, that by my disloyalty to her memory I was salting fresh wounds. It started to rain, harder than before, as he walked out to his car. He stopped by the car in the rain and looked back at me, still with that look of incomprehension. I can see him standing there. The car is high and square. He wears a wide mourning band on the sleeve of his gray suit. He got in and pulled the door shut and drove away.

I never learned what was in the box. I guessed that it contained some of Judy’s things, things they thought I might like to have. She died ten days before my birthday, and I wondered, too, if it was the present she had bought me before it happened. I have often wondered what was in that box.

That is my special memory of shame. Yet on this day, driving at sixty-five toward receding mirages, I knew that the meaning of the memory had changed. The loss and the sadness were there, but I could no longer think of what might have been had she stepped back away from Old Man Mose. Now, no other end seemed thinkable for her. It had happened long ago and far away, and distance had given it the flavor of inevitability.

The loss remained. I glanced at my wife. Her hand was on her thigh, clamped into a square small brown fist, lightly freckled. This was Betty, and I knew her well—every shade of mood, every inch of body, every intonation. The twins, children she had given me, were singing in their small sweet toneless voices.

I thought of my love for her, summoning it up, cloaking myself in that love.

It is the only defense I have. Because every time I remember Judy, it seems to me that I have spent my whole life among strangers.

And I do not care to be so alone.

When the port engine developed oil pressure trouble, John Raney’s pilot, Sammy Dowd, informed Raney he was going to alter course and set the Twin Beech down at San Antonio to get it checked. Raney felt irritated by the delay. He was anxious to get back to his ranch, north of Fort Worth, early enough to take a long swim in the pool and horse around with the kids and relax from the tensions of the past few days.

It had been a business trip, one of the important ones. The two days in Corpus dickering with the bankers on the new oil deal had been wearing, but he had the satisfaction of getting the terms he had hoped to get. On the way back yesterday morning he had stopped off at Lee Guthrie’s spread near Charco to select some new breeding stock for Lee to ship up.