Endgame (42 page)

A pang of melancholy pierces me. I ignore it and puff out a long breath, determined to be brave. So I smile for Loras and Farah. “Will you see us off?”

“That’s the best part of the job,” he cracks.

His consort raps him on the arm. “Loras!”

“Jax knows I’m kidding. If she hadn’t brought her special brand of chaos to bear, none of this would’ve happened. I know that…and I’ll never forget her.”

The tears threaten, and I almost can’t contain the burn this time. “Just…bounce me a message sometime. Maybe when you have your first kid…or shoot down your first ship for violating La’heng airspace.”

Loras nods. “Either, or.”

The crowd clears as I follow Loras. They esteem him so highly that they don’t shove toward him. I’m sure he seems almost a god in their eyes; and I hope he doesn’t grow to take such adulation for granted and abuse it down the turns, changing his wreath of laurel leaves for a tyrant’s crown. But that’s not my worry.

At long last,
I’m
free, too.

Grimspace’s clarion call thrums in my veins.
Come home, Jax. Come home.

Each footfall brings me closer to that ultimate goal, but I’m no longer thinking of how I might die. No, now I consider the ways in which I might live. It’s a huge universe, and I intend to see
everything
.

To pass the throngs more easily, we fall into pairs with Loras and Farah forging ahead, March and Zeeka in the middle, and Vel beside me.
As it should be.
He seems happy tonight, though I’m not sure if it’s the satisfaction of a long-held goal achieved or if he’s looking forward to our future.

There’s nothing to fear with Vel. There never has been, even when he was hunting me. He’s the most honorable person I’ve ever known.

So I ask.

“Both,” he replies.

I should’ve known. “Where do you want to go first?”

He lifts a shoulder in an easy half shrug. “Wherever you please.”

I need to think about it, but there’s time. Or maybe I don’t. That’s never been my strong suit, after all. Perhaps I’ll just twirl a finger over a random star chart, and off we’ll go. That sounds right, given my history. More often than not, nobody can predict what comes next in my story, not even me.

After ten minutes of walking, we reach the spaceport, already stuffed with other foreigners being politely escorted to their ships. In the flurry, I spot Tarn and Leviter standing together. They make a handsome couple, one distinguished with salt-and-pepper hair, the other a silver fox with a clever face. Their affection is obvious in their stance, the gentle tilt of their shoulders, and it lifts my heart to see them safe.

I weave through the crowd. “Thank you both for everything. If it was coincidence that found you here, then I suppose I ought to thank Mary for it instead.”

Leviter smiles. “There is no such thing as coincidence, my dear Jax. Only immaculate planning.”

They’re not the sort of men you hug, so I content myself with a hearty handshake for each of them before I turn to Tarn. “I count us square now, you know. I’ve even forgiven you for trying to have me killed for doing my duty.”

Tarn throws back his head and laughs. “You’ve always been adequate at putting yourself in harm’s way, no special help needed on my end.”

“Take care,” I say. “Both of you.”

Hurriedly, I rejoin the others before I can get even more emotional. Loras and Farah are waiting, hand in hand. They won’t leave until we board the ship. It’s a fine vessel with sufficient space for all of us. By some chance, we’ve ended up with two pilots and two navigators, which means we can travel twice as fast, twice as far. Serendipity, you might call that, or some master plan to which I’m not privy.

All I know is, I’ll take it.

I’ve lost so many people along the way. This is where I draw the line and tell the universe:
You will take nothing more from me.

“Mary bless and keep you,” Loras says.

They don’t believe in Mary on La’heng. It’s a human story, but he speaks the words to honor and comfort me. Farah echoes them. There are no phrases sufficient for what I want to say or to encompass the way we were, so I keep silent. Anything else would be inadequate.

I lift a hand in farewell and turn to the others. “Are you ready?”

Zeeka nods. “Can I have the first jump?”

He’s the bright light; I’m the old saw. Navigating isn’t new to me, but it will thrill Z to have this moment. Even if he gets it wrong, well, it’s not like we had anywhere to be, and he’s been looking forward to this for such a long time. Over the turns, I’ve learned to share and to step back from the spotlight.

“Of course.”

“I’ll take us up,” Vel offers, “so you can watch with March from the observation deck.”

A glance at March tells me he’s okay with that. He confirms,
I’d love to see the stars with you. We’ll find a place to get those matching tatts along the way.
I couldn’t have put it better myself. The four of us board the ship without looking back.

I stop Vel briefly with a hand on his arm. “Bounce a message as soon as you can and set up a rendezvous with Dina’s crew.”

“Understood, Sirantha.”

“Great idea,” March says. “Wonder what they’ve been up to.”

“We’ll find out soon enough.”

Vel and Zeeka head for the cockpit then, and we turn toward the observation deck.
You’re sure this is what you want?
I ask silently.
It won’t be safe or settled. I’m never going to live in a house again. And I won’t age like you do. It may be hard.

March’s warmth fills me with unshakable certainty.
You and me, until the day I die. Absolutely. I don’t
care
if it’s hard.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
I forget where I first heard that, but it’s true. He’s worth everything. His agreement echoes in my head.

After all this time, March knows what I want and what I can offer. He gets me down to my breath and bone; he will not try to change me. For him, I need not yield that which makes me Jax; I need not surrender the universe for March’s sake. No, he will give it to me. He will
share
it with me.

I take his hand as the ship powers up, and La’heng recedes below us. At this point, I’ve gotten my name in enough record books…and I want something other than notoriety. Now, so far as the galaxy’s concerned, I’m going quietly off the charts. After all, the adventure has only just begun.