Endless Love Letter (Love Letter Duet Book 2) (16 page)

I yanked the handle of the door and stormed out of his office.

Broken.

Alone.

She wanted to die.

I slammed the car door shut. Burying my face in my hands, I screamed. I screamed until my voice was hoarse and my throat felt as if it was on fire.

Why was life being so cruel?

Without even looking at it, I grabbed my vibrating phone out of my pocket and slammed it against the windshield. A spider web crack grew on my windshield even as my phone shattered into tiny pieces.

My body was numb as I stared at the glass, wondering how my life had changed so much in a year. Then it dawned on me how different my life would be a year from now. How different the world would be a year from now
when Emilia was no longer in it
.

I sat there for a few minutes unable to breathe, my heart shattered. Emilia tapped on the passenger side window, startling me before she opened the door. She didn’t say anything as she sat and gazed out the window.

I turned the car on and pulled out of the parking spot. The interior was silent as we listened to the passing of the cars around us and the tires pressing against the asphalt. I couldn’t breathe. It felt as if the oxygen in the car had been vacuumed out. The car began to shrink. I couldn’t hear anything as my thoughts kept screaming at me. She was dying. There would be a world without Emilia. Unable to breathe or think clearly, I pulled off to the side of the road, slammed the car into park and kicked the door open.

My breathing was irregular and I gasped for air. My fingernails ran across my scalp as I attempted to calm myself.

“Weston, where are you going?” Emilia shouted from behind me.

“I just need some time.“ I shook my head, begging for the pain to stop. My hands braided together behind my neck as I continued to walk down the side of the road.

“You can’t do that.” I heard her footfalls behind me. “You can’t walk away from me!” Her voice cracked and I turned back, unable to stay away. With a few long strides, I reached for her and gathered her in my arms. “I get my strength from you. You can’t walk away from me! “She slammed her hands against my chest. “I need you now more than ever! You have always been my rock, and if I lose you now, I don’t know if I can mentally prepare myself for the next few months. I’m dying, Weston. I am dying! And I’m so fucking scared.”

I held her close as the realization set in for us both. She was dying.

When her crying stopped, I lifted her chin up to me. “The days I have to spend with you are numbered, but I don’t want to spend another minute fighting.” I brought my lips down to hers, tasting the salty tears on her lips. “But I’m so scared of losing you.” I pulled away and looked deep into her brown eyes. “I’m sorry I walked away.”

She looked down at my chest; her tears ran like a waterfall down her cheeks. “I will always be right here.” She placed her hand over my chest. “Always.”

Inhaling deeply, I pulled her close to me and kissed her lips again.

T
he air
between us had shifted.

We both understood what lay ahead. The future was inevitable, but I could cherish every second I had left with her.

I pulled the car into the driveway and shifted it into park. Exhaling, I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel.

“Let’s go down to the beach,” Emilia suggested.

I turned to face her. Her finger rested between her teeth as she gently bit on her skin. She blinked and a tear dripped from her face.

“I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to dwell on what’s going to happen. I want to enjoy every last day I have.” She swallowed, her gaze refusing to meet mine.

“It’s a perfect day to go to the beach,” I agreed.

Emilia’s eyes finally found mine. A small grin appeared on her face.

Foregoing our usual spot by the pier, we settled for our own backyard. I jogged inside to grab a blanket and then led Emilia down the stairs from the rocks above to the sandy beach below.

Holding the blanket by the corners, I tossed it in the air and let it come to rest on the warm sand. She leaned back into my chest on the center of the blanket, and I wrapped my arms around her. Surfers swam in the ocean before us, taking turns to catch the next wave.

“Teach Lyra how to surf. I love the beach, but I never learned, so make sure you both learn.” Her voice was calm and she tilted her head upward toward the sun.

“How am I going to do this without you?” The tips of my fingers ran up her arms.

“You’ll find the strength,” she whispered.

“But I get my strength from you.” I closed my eyes and inhaled her scent. I wanted to imprint every second in my mind. I wanted to capture this moment for a day in the future when I desperately needed her.

“I’ll always be with you. Even when I’m gone, I’ll be all around you. In your heart. In Lyra. As long as you need me, I’ll be here.”

“What if I become a bad dad when you’re gone? What if I don’t know how to comfort her?”

Emilia shook her head and scoffed. “That’s impossible. You are so good with her. She idolizes you.” Neither of us spoke for a few moments. “I made a few videos for Lyra.” Emilia sniffled. “So she still has a part of me as she grows up.”

I kissed the hollow of her neck. “I’ll make sure she never forgets you.”

“They’re life lessons, things I wish my mother had left for me.” Her voice cracked. “Make sure she does well in school. And that she marries a nice person. Make sure she travels—”

“Emilia.”

“I’m serious. After today, I don’t want to talk about these things anymore. I want to live every day to the fullest. But for right now, I need to make sure I tell you everything.”

“Okay.”

“Make sure you take her to the doctor often. Let her dance in the rain, even though it rarely rains here. Teach her to be both school smart and street smart.”

“Your list keeps growing, huh?” I kissed her cheek.

Emilia leaned her head back, her eyes squinting from the sun’s glare. “Make sure she falls in love. Real, unconditional, crazy, stupid, love.”

“Like ours?”

“Yes.” She traced the outline of my face with her hand. “You made my life better. Against everything I ever believed in, you, Weston Carter, you gave me the craziest, most consuming love I never knew existed.”

I covered her lips with mine. Pulling away, I whispered, “I’m not done loving you.”

“I’ll never stop loving you.” Her lower lips trembled. “I’m so, so sorry that I was stupid and naïve and never told you about Lyra.”

“Shhh.” I brought my lips down to hers once more. “Unconditional, crazy, stupid, consuming love. That’s all that matters now.”

Emilia tucked her head into my chest. Her breathing changed and I could hear her soft sobs. “I want everyone to remember me as me. I want to say good–bye to everyone before my days get worse,” she whispered between sobs. “We should have a good–bye party, just us and a few friends.”

“Okay.” I kissed her forehead. “I need something from you, too.”

“Yeah?”

“I need you to forgive Jeremy.” Emilia pushed away from me. “He’s been worried, and I’ve kept him in the loop about what’s going on. I don’t want him to think you left us hating him. I know you, Emilia. You don’t know how to hate.”

She sighed. “I don’t hate him. It was easier to blame him than accept the truth. ”

“You need to talk to him.” I pulled her even closer.

“I know. Jeremy didn’t deserve what I did to him.”

“He doesn’t deserve to be shut out of Lyra’s life either.” I chuckled. “As much as I hate it, it’s true. He’s been in her life since day one.”

“Why are you such a good person?” Emilia bit her lower lip when she looked up at me.

“Because you make me good.”

B
argaining

We sat on the beach until my mother brought Lyra home from school. Together we decided we would sit Lyra down when the time was right and tell her what was happening.

Leslie came by with dinner, so I sat with Lyra in the living room while she played on her iPad with headphones as Emilia told her best friend she was dying. I made sure I sat where I could see them.

“How was your scan?” Leslie asked as she pulled back a barstool.

Emilia sighed and looked back toward me before returning her gaze to Leslie. “I decided to stop treatment,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry, what?” Leslie’s head snapped toward her. Her hands pressed on the hard granite countertop.

“My cancer is aggressive and its spread. There isn’t much they can do.”

“No.” Leslie shook her head in disbelief her voice ricocheting through the house. “You’re so young. You can’t be . . .” Leslie covered her face and began to weep. Unable to watch, I turned my head.

Emilia was so young.

Healthy.

Why had this happened to her? Why had this happened to us?

Maybe if we had gone to the oncologist sooner. Or maybe if they had performed a full hysterectomy, things would have been different. There was still ten percent. I could try to change her mind.

“It’s okay.” Emilia’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. I turned my attention back to the kitchen where Emilia had her arms wrapped around Leslie.

“You can’t die!” Leslie cried. “You’re my sister. My best friend.”

Their faces were both buried in each other’s shoulder, but I could see how they trembled as they cried.

“I’m so scared.”

“Emmy, this isn’t fair.”

My vision blurred with tears. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I tried to tune out their cries.

“Daddy?” Lyra’s voice startled me.

Clearing my throat, I answered her. “Yes, sweetie?”

“Are you okay?”

“I am,” I lied. I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t ready to be a single parent. I would never be ready to lose the love of my life.

There were so many things I still wanted to do with them both.

Life was cruel.

God was unfair.

E
milia sat
out on the deck, her chin held up to the sun that has beginning to set on the horizon. She hugged a decorative pillow as I walked toward her with Lyra. This was it. The moment we would destroy my little princess’ life by telling her, like all other Disney princesses, she too wouldn’t have her mommy anymore. How the hell do you tell a kid their mother is dying?

“Mommy?” Lyra questioned and Emilia looked down toward her. The tears had already begun to pool in her eyes. “Daddy said we needed to have a talk. Am I in trouble?”

“No, sweetie.” Emilia cleared her throat and reached for Lyra. “Mommy and Daddy need to tell you something.”

I sat on the other side of Lyra, my gaze locked on the pavers at my feet. “Lyra,” I cleared my throat and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Remember how we told you about how your mom was sick?”

Lyra looked over at me and nodded her head.

Emilia grabbed Lyra’s hand and brushed her hair away from her face. “Lyra, the medicine that the doctors gave me didn’t work.”

“Are you still sick?” Lyra asked.

“Yes.” Emilia held back a sob. “Mommy is really sick, sweetie, and there’ll be a few things that will change around here.”

“What’s going to happen?” Lyra’s question broke my heart.

Emilia cleared her throat and inhaled slowly before exhaling. “Lyra, I love you very much and I hope that you never forget that. I’m sorry, sweetie, but Mommy isn’t getting better.

“Are you going to die?”

Emilia gave her a hesitant nod and Lyra threw herself into her arms. Tears blurred my vision. I couldn’t take it.

“My sweet baby girl.” Emilia’s voice was hoarse. She moved from the chair and knelt in front of her. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But I want you to know that every day we spend together is going to be magical.”

“I don’t want you to die, Mommy!” Lyra cried.

I wiped my tears away and wrapped my arm around Lyra’s small shoulders. “Lyra, we both love you very much, and we want you to understand that this isn’t something we can control.”

“I may not be here with you Lyra, but I’m in here.” Emilia pressed her hand to Lyra’s chest. “I promise I’ll always be in there.”

Lyra bowed here chin and tears dripped onto her thighs. Emilia draped her arms over Lyra and kissed her tears away. “I’m so sorry, Lyra,” she cried softly.

My hand rubbed Emilia’s back, and my own tears dripped from my face.

E
milia convinced everyone to
come over one last time.

Her rules were simple: there would be no crying and everyone was to wear something colorful. We were not to talk about her dying, only remember the good times we shared with her.

Emilia sat on the patio furniture with Cinthia and Travis as I stood off to the side, looking out at the ocean. Her smile never left her face, and though I tried to be optimistic, I was dying inside. I sipped on my lukewarm beer, trying to drown out the noises in my head.

Leslie approached and handed me a new beer. A sympathetic smile appeared on her face. She shrugged and sighed.

“Thanks.” I said and took the replacement.

“How are you doing?” she asked.

“You really want to know?” Leslie nodded. “I’m her husband with no legal right to force her to try to live, and I can’t help but feel useless. We had to tell Lyra that Emilia is dying and that conversation tore me up inside.”

“I’m sorry, Weston.” She spoke calmly, with no lightening of her eyes, no smile of tenderness.

“I’m not ready to lose her, Les. Every single morning I watch her sleep to make sure she’s still here. I’m constantly waiting for her not to wake up.”

Leslie rubbed her hand on my shoulder. “Hang in there. If this is how you feel, imagine her feelings. She must be terrified.”

The chatter around us died down. Leslie and I turned to Emilia. Her eyes were glued on Jeremy, who had walked in with a bouquet of flowers. Emilia’s gaze pulled away from his and landed on my mine. Closing my eyes, I nodded slowly for her to go to him. Emilia pushed off the couch and walked over to Jeremy. The sight of him with her used to cause my blood to boil. Now it didn’t even faze me. Now I understood where he was coming from.

When Emilia pulled away, Lyra ran toward him. “Jeremy!” She jumped into his arms.

“Sweet pea!” He hugged her briefly and then placed her on the ground. “Look how big you’ve gotten.” He leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

“And I’ve lost two teeth.” She tugged on her lower lip to show him the empty spot in her mouth.

I took a sip of my beer and walked over to them. “Hey, man.” I reached out to shake his hand.

“How’s it going?” He pulled me closer and patted my back.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked and held up my beer.

“I’m fine, thanks.”

Leslie walked over to greet Jeremy and took the bouquet from Emilia. She walked off with Lyra and the three of us stood there looking at each other. I knew that Emilia needed to talk to Jeremy. Leaning in, I kissed her cheek. “I’ll be by the fire pit if you need me.”

Emilia and Jeremy sat on the edge of the pool. Her feet kicked the water as they spoke. From afar, I observed her brush her tears away, hug Jeremy and kiss his cheek. When she was ready, she would tell me about their conversation.

I forced myself to converse with other guests. This was how Emilia planned to say good–bye to everyone, and I would allow her to have this day.

T
he following morning
, the sun rose on another beautiful California day. I lay in bed watching Emilia sleep peacefully. The sound of her softly breathing was heaven to my ears. She would need all the rest she could get before our trip. A peaceful night’s sleep wasn’t a priority when you knew your future wasn’t long.

“Mmm,” she moaned, and I rubbed her eyes.

My hand grazed her body, and goose bumps popped up all over. She stretched her arms above her head. “Morning, sleepyhead.”

“Good morning, my husband,” she said with one eye open. “I can’t believe I slept all night.”

“You were tired from all the festivities.”

Emilia rolled over and laid her head on me. She kissed the center of my chest and rested her ear over my heart. “Did I tell you today how much I love you?”

“Not today.”

Emilia looked up at me and smiled. “I love you, Weston Carter.”

“I love you, Emilia Carter.” I winked at her and she giggled. “We should get up soon. We need to pack.”

“Pack?” Her forehead scrunched together.

“Yes, pack.” I sat up and kissed the top of her head. “We’re going on our second honeymoon.”

“Sec . . . Honey . . . What? Second honeymoon?”

“Yes. Me, you, and Lyra.” I took her hand in mine and kissed her wedding band. “First stop, Australia.”

Emilia gasped. “Weston! I can’t just pick up and leave.”

“It’s all taken care of, babe. I spoke with the agency and Jennifer will come along with us so you can get all the treatment you need.”

Emilia jumped up from the bed. “Seriously?”

I nodded.

“We’re going to Australia?”

“That’s our
first
stop.”

“Oh my God!” She covered her mouth with one hand and her eyes pooled with tears. “Weston, this must have cost you a fortune.”

Coiling my arms around her, I brought her closer to me. “You deserve so much more than what I have planned.” I leaned in and kissed the side of her neck. “But I’ll let you in on a little secret. My wife is really rich, and I’m not doing so bad myself.”

Emilia laughed. “We’re going to Australia!” She jumped up with joy and then stopped. “You said that was the first stop. Where else are we stopping?”

I framed her face and kissed the tip of her nose. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

A
ustralia
Lyra played on her iPad
, her feet dangling off the seat as we waited for takeoff. Emilia looked like a kid in a candy store as she gazed out the window and then over to me. Jennifer sat in the row in front of us.

“I can’t believe we’re really doing this!” She bit her lower lip, trying to contain her excitement. “Imagine, in fifteen hours we’ll be in Sydney!” Emilia reached for my hand and closed her eyes as we prepared to be airborne.

W
e had
a month and three countries to visit, so every minute counted. Jennifer knew everything I had planned. Since she was there as support for Emilia and to help her manage her pain, I needed to keep her up to date with what we were doing. Jennifer was also there to help us accept the fact there would be a day when Emilia would no longer be in our lives. For now, I refused to think that way and focused solely on making it the best trip anyone could ever have.

After we’d checked into the Radisson Blu Plaza Hotel, we showered and headed out to enjoy the city. I strolled with Lyra and Jennifer as Emilia hid behind her camera, capturing every moment.

The Sydney Opera House was remarkable. Sitting on its own peninsula between Sydney Cove and Farm Cove, we had a view of the deep blue water. Emilia held on to the rail of the ferry as we approached the dock just as the sun began to set. The sky was painted purple and orange, and the five peaks reflected the sun.

She smiled at me. “This is a dream come true.”

We sat in our seats and watched an evening of classical ballet. The dancers eloquently moved from one side of the stage to the other. Lyra’s face lit up as the beautiful ballerinas twirled in front of her. Emilia didn’t blink. The music, the dancers, the story . . . It was all she had hoped for.

We would be leaving Sydney and heading north to the Great Barrier Reef, so we decided to stay in the following night. Jennifer was in her room, Lyra was tucked away in her bed, and Emilia and I sat on the patio looking out into the city.

“How did you like Sydney?” I asked.

“I’m exhausted.” Emilia stretched her arms above her head. “But it was incredible. I still can’t believe we’re going to swim in the Great Barrier Reef!” Her finger twirled her wedding band.

“You do that when you’re nervous.” I pointed to her thumb that was twirling the band. “What’s the matter?”

“Actually, I used to do this when I wore Mama’s ring. It was how I remembered you, even when you were in London.” She grinned. “I never took it off. Ever. The only time it left my hand was the day I married Jeremy. I put it on a necklace and placed it around Lyra’s neck. It was a long time after I took that ring off before I had another one you gave me on my hand.” She shrugged. “It’s nice.”

“Do you like that one? I can get you a new one if you don’t like it.”

“No!” She put her hand over her heart. “It’s absolutely beautiful. Did you ever notice that I had yours engraved?”

“Engraved?” I pulled my wedding band off. Tilting it to the side, I noticed the letters that had been delicately embedded in the platinum band.
Endless Love Letter.

“You’re constantly giving me invisible love letters, and my love for you is endless like that ring. It will continue to go around and around for eternity. That is my endless love letter.”

I rose from the chair and knelt in front of Emilia. Burying my head in her lap, I held her until the city noise drowned out the pain in my chest.

T
he Great Barrier Reef
was a hidden gem. We spent a week sailing the Coral Sea.

With our snorkeling goggles, life vests and flippers, the three of us jumped off the boat into the crystal blue water. The exotic fish, colors, and corals all came to life when we put our heads under the water. Emilia swam, splashed around with Lyra, and touched a turtle that was over one hundred years old.

It was another trip crossed off her list.

After a week at sea we were back at the airport and off to another city. Lyra slept in my arms as we walked through Carnis Airport. Emilia still didn’t know where we were off to next. I refused to tell her until we checked our baggage. She and Jennifer walked together as they talked about life.

B
ali

“Bali!” Emilia jumped up and down when she looked at her boarding pass. Jennifer joined her dance party in the middle of the airport. We had spent five nights in Sydney, a week sailing and I had planned for a week in Bali.

The crickets sang, the birds chirped, and we were surrounded by greenery. Our resort sat in the center of the rainforest, and our private infinity pool with cabana looked out into the mountains.

Emilia and Lyra had gone off to get ice cream, and I was sitting beneath the cabana when Jennifer tapped on my chair, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Hey, Jennifer.” I straightened. “Everything okay?”

“Do you mind if I sit?”

“Of course not.”

“Thank you.” She smiled. “I actually wanted to talk to you about Emilia.”

“Is she all right?”

“Yes, but I don’t think you’re dealing with what will eventually happen.” She folded her hands on her lap.

“I am dealing with it.” I stared at the sprinkles of rain that fell onto the concrete.

“I’m here to help her, and that’s the majority of my work, but I’m also here to help the family understand and cope with what is happening.” She paused for a second. “If you want to talk, I’m here to listen and help you both.”

I exhaled. “I need more time.” I shook my head. “I feel as if I’m fighting the clock. Every day is one we can never get back. She’s on borrowed time and it’s not fair.”

“I know.”

I swallowed the golf ball that had lodged itself in my throat. “When I fell in love with her, I never in a million years imagined I wouldn’t grow old with her. I wish we had done something differently, seen more doctors, and gotten more opinions. I’m not ready to lose her. I’ll never be ready.”

Jennifer sat next to me as I told her my fears of losing the love of my life.

The rain had trickled at first before it suddenly started to pour down. From afar, Jennifer and I heard Emilia screaming and both she and Lyra were running in our direction. Lyra’s ice cream ran down her arms and her hair stuck to her face.