Enslaved by Ducks
Authors: Bob Tarte
Enslaved by Ducks
“All of us who feel a deep emotional connection with animals will respond to this book. As Bob Tarte realizes, there is no drug or therapy as effective as an animal who loves you.”
—Jeffrey Masson, author of
When Elephants Weep
“A beautiful, honest, hilarious, and touching book about the subtle and blatant ways animal companions take over our lives. It’s impossible to read
Enslaved by Ducks
and not fall just a little in love with Bob Tarte, his charming, heroic wife, Linda, and their menagerie.”
—Jana Murphy, author of
The Secret Lives of Dogs
“As the adoring owner or former owner of dogs, cats, parrots, rabbits, and six hundred gallons of saltwater fish, I was utterly delighted with
Enslaved by Ducks
. Bob Tarte profoundly understands and brilliantly articulates the extraordinary connections between humans and animals.”
—Robert Olen Butler
“If you thought one backyard duck was much like another, wait till you meet the tiny, indomitable Peggy, who laid down her life to save her fellow ducks. What May Sarton did for cats in
The Fur Person
, Bob Tarte does for ducks. And destructive parrots and fierce rabbits and a talking baby starling and a whole house and yard full of demanding oddballs that, by comparison, will make you feel better about your own domestic life.”
—Barbara Holland, author of
They Went Whistling
“I started to read a page and ended up reading the book! … As Bob Tarte shows, with animal after animal, it’s not enough in the end to provide just the basics of food, water, and shelter; you have to love them like family. And he’s right: if you are an animal lover, your bond with animals goes far deeper than just companionship. It really is a way of life.”
—Marty Becker, D.V.M.,
Good Morning America
“In his hilarious debut, Tarte—a city boy at heart—chronicles how his blissful, animal-free life took an unexpectedly raucous turn when his nature-loving wife decided to share their spacious, early-twentieth-century Michigan farmhouse with a menagerie of furry and feathery friends: a malicious bunny with an appetite for live wires, a homicidal turkey, a horny ring-necked dove, a trash-talking African grey parrot, and more than a dozen other quirky creatures. Though each new animal is wackier and more demanding than the last, Tarte rebels against his urban instincts and learns to love his personal zoo. After reading this delightfully punchy account, you may never look at Fido the same way again.”
—
Entertainment Weekly
“Hilarious and poignant … not just for animal lovers, but for all who have loved another living thing.”
—
The Charlotte Observer
“The wholly disarming story of a music reviewer’s move to the country, where he gradually, inexorably gathered about him a ragtag band of animals…. His furred and feathered companions took Tarte out of himself, gave him a satisfying flinch of pleasure, taught him to live within chaos, introduced him to the strange ceremonies of animal care. As well, they pulled his chain, broke his trust, ate up his time and patience, showed him a thing or two about violence, and died on him. His chronicle of those processes ties them all neatly together, and it sounds like love. ‘Why didn’t anyone warn me?’ Tarte asks about the consequences of sharing a home with animals. It’s a good thing they didn’t, or we might not have had this affecting debut.”
—
Kirkus Reviews
“This rich and funny personal account of Bob Tarte’s noticeably never-ending (and largely inadvertent) acquisition of pets will warm your heart…. For anyone who has ever opened heart and home to an animal or experienced the love-hate relationship of being owned by pets.”
—
The Dallas Morning News
“With dead-on character portraits, Tarte keeps readers laughing about unreliable pet store proprietors, a duck named Hector who doesn’t like water, an amorous dove named Howard, a foster-mother goose, patient veterinarians and increasingly bewildered friends. Tarte has an ordinary-Joe voice that makes each chapter a true pleasure, while revealing a sophisticated vision of animals and their relationship to humans.”
—
Publishers Weekly
“Here’s a challenge: Try reading Bob Tarte’s
Enslaved by Ducks
without laughing out loud over and over. Even if you’re not a pet person, it simply can’t be done.”
—
Sanford Herald
“Bob Tarte’s deprecating humor, honesty, sarcasm and fine style will keep you turning pages as you fall in love with the animal family he and his wife, Linda, have adopted. You’ll be thankful Tarte endured the domestic chaos that comes with being owned by a multitude of pets.”
—
Grand Rapids Press
“Hilarious…. Part Gerald Durrell and part Bill Bryson, this heartwarming book will find many readers among
Rascal
and
That Quail, Robert
devotees.”
—
Booklist
“A book that will be enjoyed by pet owners, animal lovers, and anybody who knows what it’s like to have room for more than one critter in his heart.”
—
Council Bluffs (Iowa) Daily Nonpareil
“Highly recommended for those who appreciate the value of good humor and a positive outlook on life.”
—
Library Journal
NSLAVED BY
D
UCKS
by
BOB TARTE
Published by
ALGONQUIN BOOKS OF CHAPEL HILL
Post Office Box 2225
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27515-2225
a division of
Workman Publishing
225 Varick Street
New York, New York 10014
© 2003 by Bob Tarte. All rights reserved.
First paperback edition, October 2004.
Originally published by Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill in 2003.
Printed in the United States of America.
Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son Limited.
Design by Anne Winslow.
While the people, places, and events described in the following pages are real, location and human names have been changed for the sake of privacy.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Tarte, Bob.
Enslaved by ducks / by Bob Tarte.—1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-1-56512-351-9 (HC)
1. Pets—Michigan—Lowell—Anecdotes. 2. Animals—Michigan—
Lowell—Anecdotes. 3. Human-animal relationships—Michigan—
Lowell—Anecdotes 4. Tarte, Bob. I. Title.
SF416.T37 2003
636.088’7’0977455—dc22 2003057756
ISBN-13: 978-1-56512-450-9 (PB)
10 9
To my wonderful wife, Linda, who somehow keeps the chaos at bay.
Chapter 3: Stanley Sue’s Identity Crisis
Chapter 4: Howard the Clumsy Romeo
Chapter 5: The Real Trouble Begins
Chapter 11: Who Cooks for You?
Chapter 12: Comings and Goings
Chapter 14: Weaver in the Weeds
Chapter 15: The Parrot Who Hated Me
Acknowledgments and Culpability
(Listed more or less in order of appearance and by type)
INDOOR ANIMALS
Bunnies
Binky:
stubborn dwarf Dutch troublemaker
Bertha:
feral Netherland dwarf, captured in suburbia
Bertie:
Netherland dwarf, brother to Rollo
Rollo:
Netherland dwarf, brother to Bertie
Walter:
large-headed Checker Giant, rescued from barn
Parrots
Ollie:
ill-tempered brotogeris “pocket parrot”
Stanley Sue:
gender-switching African grey Timneh
Dusty:
chatty, author-biting Congo African grey
Other Birds
Howard:
amorous ring-neck dove
Chester:
non-hand-tamed canary
Elliott:
feisty canary, successor to Chester
Farley:
parakeet senior citizen
Rossy:
Ollie’s female parakeet suitor
Reggie:
Howard’s male parakeet suitor
Sophie:
demure female parakeet
Tillie:
visiting dove
Weaver:
special guest starling
Cats
Penny:
grey reclusive female, intended as Binky’s friend
Agnes:
bold outdoorswoman, discovered under bird feeder
OUTDOOR ANIMALS
Ducks
Daphne:
Muscovy from auto-parts parking lot
Phoebe:
black-and-white Cayuga, smitten by wanderlust
Martha:
Blue Swede with ear-splitting voice
Peggy:
heroic call duck, protector of Chloe
Chloe:
mallard who learned to limp
Blabby and Wing Ding
: “smelly” call-duck delinquents
Stewart:
Khaki Campbell, brother to Trevor
Trevor:
Khaki Campbell, brother to Stewart
Marybelle, Clara, and Gwelda:
unexpected mixed-duck offspring
Hector
: cantankerous, shoulder-sitting Muscovy
Richie:
Richmond Pond foundling
Timmy:
unexpected son of Richie
Geese
Liza:
lap-sitting African goose, sister to Hailey
Hailey:
slightly less-friendly goose, sister to Liza
Turkeys