Entangled (60 page)

“You look so much like her, it’s painful to look at you.” Tears run down his cheek and he hastily wipes them away.

“So, tell me what you hope to accomplish during your sessions.” Dr. Stanley asks. My father and I agreed to see a therapist, to help us heal and move on from that night that changed us both. It took some coaxing on my part but he finally agreed. I always dealt with things on my own, it was hard to admit, I needed help with my problems.

I’ve found that talking to a professional has helped. It’s only the third session but I can start to discern the difference in my father.

“I know you blame yourself for your wife’s accident. Can you elaborate on why?”

I see his hesitation when he looks at me but I nod for him to be honest. The first couple of sessions were very small, minor issues, mostly getting to know and trust our therapist. The importance of going to therapy, is to know that what we talk about stays confidential and we trust our therapist during each session. “Well, it was a snowy night. Actually, it was a little slushy, slippery. I asked my wife if she could pick me up some beer because I’d just gotten home from a long day at work and it was my daughter’s seventh birthday, she was at a friend’s house. I wanted to have a beer before we picked her up, I didn’t like drinking in front of her. Anyway, I should have known it wasn’t a good night to go out. I thought my wife would be okay, but it was the other vehicle that lost control on a patch of ice, a semi, actually. It collided with our car and ran her into a pole.” Emotions stir deep inside my gut and I feel the nausea in the back of my throat.

He wanted a beer? My mother died because my father couldn’t wait until later to get a beer when he was able to drive?

“And what happened to other driver?”

“I don’t want to hear anymore.” I interrupt, getting angry. I stand and cover my face in shock. I never knew the whole story of that night, of my birthday. I’ve wanted answers for years, and now that I have them, I don’t want them anymore.

“Maddy, please don’t interrupt during the session. It’s important for your father to release his pain and guilt. He needs to get it out.”

“And what about my mother’s? Mine? Our pain, I was seven…it was my birthday. I can’t even celebrate that day without wanting to sob into my pillow. And now that I know, it was all because of some stupid alcohol, because my father was too lazy to get it himself.” I throw my hands up in the air, for no reason other than it gives me something to do, besides punching the wall.

“Maddy, I’m so sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I was selfish, I wasn’t thinking.” And then his words, “I couldn’t save her” come to mind. No, he couldn’t save her, because he wasn’t there. I’m so angry, but at the same time, I’m tired. I’m tired of being mad at him and holding that night, my life, everything against him. Yeah, it was it his fault. But being angry won’t bring my mother back. It won’t help us heal or move on. Shit. And then the nightmares plague my mind, “your father blames himself, it’s not his fault, he needs you, save him”.

I throw myself down into the chair next to him. This is harder than I expected. “Sorry, go ahead and finish. I guess I was just taken aback by that story. This is going to take us time.” I know it won’t happen overnight.

“Thank you Maddy. You’re right, it will take time. You can expect to pick up where you left off. You have a lot of healing to do. But if you’re determined to start over and build a relationship, it can happen. I’ll see to it that it happens.” I force a small smile, reach for my father’s hand and ask for strength and patience. In order to heal, let go and move on, I have to accept the past. I have to forgive. His hold is comforting, but it’s also disconcerting, feeling the fragility, I’m afraid to put too much pressure in my grip.

We sit and listen as Dr. Stanley analyzes everything, asking questions. We talk and talk, releasing all the pent up hurt, anger and resentment the years built. We discuss future sessions, what is expected of us. How to begin the healing process. I discuss the abandonment issues, guilt and fears. Learning I don’t have to tell my father everything from the past but to have a future with him, I should include him.

We opt for private sessions too, which to me is ideal. I want to discuss my Noah situation alone.
There are a lot of unresolved issues with that. I’d never discussed boys with my father so it’s a little awkward to bring it up. The point is, I think therapy is really working, getting to the root of most of our problems. It’s been a positive outcome, which I’ve noticed with my father as well. It’s going to take time to fix and build our relationship. I don’t expect it to happen overnight, I don’t want it to. Good, solid relationships take time, to build a foundation and overtime it rises to something wonderful and worth every rough patch along the way. I think of Noah.

“I’m really glad to see you doing better. I still think you need a few more days of relaxation before returning to work.” I sip my coffee and nod, watching the barista make drinks. I really need to keep my mind busy. I may be doing better in some ways, but others, I’m still a mess. I’m just getting better at covering it up, faking happiness. But she’s right, I’m stressed. Jim relapsed and wound up back in the hospital. The cancer has spread fast and taken over his body. Andi’s been a basket case, and rightfully so. I know she’s been in touch with Spencer and a selfish part is jealous. I need to hear Noah’s voice, telling me everything is gonna be okay. What if he never comes back? I gnaw on the brim of my cup, distracted. I told my therapist about the nightmares, they’re less these days.

“Anything exciting happening in my absence?” I snap out of my daze, desperate for a diversion.

“We’re training a new groomer. He’s clueless but I’m giving him a chance.”

“I can’t wait to get back to my babies.”

“Well, that’s what I came here to talk to you about.

“O-kay-“

“No, it’s not bad, it’s just…what are you doing with your life?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you see yourself at the clinic forever?”

“I’m 24; I have plenty of time to figure that out. Right now, I like where I am. I have the best boss in town.” I grin. I get a smile out of her. I know I don’t really have all the time in the world, we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. But for now, it’s enough. I’ll finish school to be a vet and move up. I’m not too focused on it now.

My phone beeps, anxiety sets in. “Hey. I need to go, it’s Andi.” I take my coffee cup and throw it in the trash, after finishing the remains.

“Okay, I hope everything is okay.” My heart is racing, with worry. She hugs me and I grip her shoulder to regain my strength. “Call me if you need anything.” I nod, thank her and rush home.

The drive has me speeding like a bat out of hell. So many scenarios run through my head, I don’t see the light change and run right through the red.

Pulling up to the complex, foolishly I focus on the side Noah used to live on. I guess I live to torture myself. I know he’s gone, I just can’t help but wish…No, focus on Andi, she needs you.

I get out of the car, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants and enter my apartment. “Andi.” I whisper, gazing at her crouched form on the floor, clutching the phone. She looks up at me with tear-filled eyes and my heart stops. “He’s gone.” And the bottom is pulled out from underneath me.

Chapter 70

Noah

I begin to wonder if it’ll ever get easier, but I know it already has. My mom is actually getting help and she’s been happier than I’d seen her in years. I know she’s still dealing with emotional issues that will take years to go away. I’m just glad to be here to witness her progress. She and I are doing better too. I go to some therapy sessions with her and it’s even helped me deal with my own anger and emotional struggles. The struggles of being like my father, being alone, not being good enough for Maddy. I want to be good enough for her. No, I want to be the best for her. I want her to be proud of me and to never my doubt for her, the way my mother doubted my father’s love for her. Sometimes it takes leaving to realize that what you had was the greatest thing in the world. I did leave and now, I’m taking steps to better myself so I can return to the only woman I’ve ever loved, the only woman worth changing for. My aunt told me Maddy talked to her and said she still loves me and misses me. It made me happy that she didn’t move on. It made me feel there was hope for us, even after hurting her, breaking her heart, she still loves me. I can’t wait to go back and take that girl in my arms and never let her go. This time, I’ll fight for us instead of run from us. Because she’s every bit worth fighting for.

The notebook feels light in my hands, but it carries the weight of the world. Well my world, my past and my freedom. It holds secrets and confessions and pictures, ones I never knew existed until that day I saw Sandy.

“This is like de ja vu. Except better.” Spencer teases. We’re standing in front of Lex’s grave. It feels different this time, but in a good way.

“Yeah, it does. Only now I’m not hunched over in pain and overcome with grief.” I state honestly. “I feel free.” For the first time, in a long time. It’s amazing what a few sentences and clarification does to a person. I still feel responsible and I suppose it won’t go away anytime soon. But the visit with Sandy and the notebook helped me put things into perspective

“I told you I’d get his punk ass out here. It only took some years, but you’d be so proud of the man he’s becoming, Lex. He’s changed so much. Partly thanks to you and thanks to Maddy too. You’d like her. You’d like Andi too. She’s amazing, a fireball, like me. You always thought I’d be a player for life, but you know, I may be a changed man too.” He kneels in front of her tombstone, fingering the letters of her name. I can see the emotions on his face. I pat his back, brotherly. I’m so glad he’s here with me and that we’ve stayed in touch since I was gone. “We’re gonna take care of each other, for you. You always believed in both of us and we love you for that.”

I step up close to the marbled plaque and bend down to my knees. Spencer moves back, to give me time with her by myself. “Well Lex…you’re a sneaky one. I got your notebook.” I hold it up, unclear what it does but my hands are in control. Maybe it makes me feel like she’s listening, even if she’s not here with us. “This…this journal you kept all these years, I needed it, I needed these words. I needed the encouragement you provided.” I close my eyes, tightening my grip on the material in my hands. “Thank you.” I whisper. “Thank you for setting me free. I
needed this. I promise not let you down a second time, and not to waste my life. You see, there’s a girl I’m madly in love with, and she needs me. I wish you could have met her, she’s incredible and she reminds me so much of you, her heart.” I realize I’m crying now, but I feel okay letting them out. It feels good. It feels like goodbye, so I know I may not be back for a long time. I need to tell her everything I can. “I wish you were here. But you’ll always be with me. I have a piece of you that I’ll hold onto for as long as I’m breathing. I love you. Thank you for being the best friend.”

“We love you, Lex. I always knew it’d be you to finally force Noah to see the light.” Spencer glances at me; a sad smile crosses his face. I pat his back again and smile in thanks. “Yeah, he’s finally pussy whipped. And I mean that in the best way. He’s so much nicer when he’s happy.” He looks up to the sky and says, “I hope you’re happy, where ever you are. And I hope you found peace. If anybody is pushing you around or bullying you,” he waves a fist in the air, “I’ll be kicking some ass when I get up there.”

“She can hold her own, Spencer. She was always tough.” He laughs, agreeing. “I guess we gotta go.” I say, with little conviction. Spencer nods, reluctant.

“Goodbye or farewell or until we meet again.” He salutes, and then kisses the top of the headstone.

“I like the last one better. Goodbye is too final.” We begin our descent to Spencer’s truck. I pull my hoodie tighter to my body, feeling the cool New York breeze. For May it’s typical 60’s or 70’s weather and we’ve recently had rain.

“How do you feel?” We buckle our seat belts.

“Pretty good, I think.” I look out the window wondering what Maddy is doing, or how she’s doing. I close my eyes as images of her flood my mind. “I didn’t do anything with Kasey, just so you know. I stopped it. I couldn’t go through with it. You were right, I’m not that guy anymore, I don’t wanna be.” We hadn’t talked about that night much in the last few weeks. I was too busy with my mother and trying to figure out what to do.

“I know.” I lean my head back, lifting my legs up on the seat, holding my knees.