Envious (17 page)

The sun was high in the sky as the sound of hooves, echoing through my dreams, ceased. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the palace wall. The gate was lifted and my clever companion brought us inside. The beautiful horse had taken us exactly where I had hoped. Heodred strode up to me, offering his hand as I lifted myself from the horse’s neck. “Cassandra,” he said, his voice a hoarse, hurried whisper floating in the air, until a loud clatter struck the silence. Three guards rushed down the small staircase to the right of the gate. They were fully armored and as they left the
stairs, they drew their swords…on me.

CHAPTER 16

REGAINING PERSPECTIVE

Mythology class was lonely. Eric sat at the opposite end of the room, as if afraid to come within a few feet of me. He was afraid of what I might do, or what he might do. He still looked terrible. It was obvious that his drinking binges were continuing on. Elijah told me that he would go to a bar or party every night and come back smashed. Eric told me that he was a better person when he was with Aurora, and I was beginning to see that. He was a mess. I thought he might just be trying to break free…of something. But maybe he
wanted
to be a mess, to catch Aurora’s attention.

I wasn’t sure if I could let myself believe that he wasn’t using me before. I never found it easy to trust. I know I’ve said that before, but it’s true. I had Aurora and Eric both telling me strikingly different versions of the same story. I wasn’t sure if I liked either version. Maybe neither was true, maybe there is nothing called truth. How is truth defined? It changes in each view, with each new experience, and within time itself.

I stacked my books on the table. I had been in the library for hours trying to study for finals, but my thoughts kept nagging me, keeping me from concentrating on anything. I needed a nap desperately. Maybe then I would have another memory and would finally understand what was about to happen. Aurora was going to the movies tonight, with her rebound guy. I knew nothing about him but that he was “hot.” That’s all that mattered to Aurora. It wasn’t as if she was interested in ever seeing him again. Unfortunately, that’s the way a lot of the world works. Maybe she wasn’t consciously aware that she was using this guy, but it still perturbed me. It was seven thirty.
She must be gone by now.
I could go home and rest, alone now, having the room all to myself. Maybe take a nap with the TV on, or with my favorite book in hand, and have one of those warm, cozy moments that would remind me of the season’s last snowfall drifting down outside my bedroom window.

I walked back to the dorms and halfway up the stairs before I realized I had forgotten to put a few books in the return slot. I had finished with them yesterday, and I wanted to return them early, so I wouldn’t receive any more late fees. I took two steps back but stopped. I had a nagging feeling that I had to continue up the stairs. I hesitated. I really didn’t want any fines; school fines tended to run very high. And if I didn’t return them now, I would forget about it.

I sighed as I ascended the staircase anyway, pulling out my key. I unlocked my door to find Aurora and Eric making out in the center of the room, and they were on
my
desk chair. Aurora straddled him, her tight, low-cut jeans struggling to stay on. The back was so low it revealed the top of her blood-red thong. Eric’s hands moved all over her back, inside and outside of her black sweater. Her hands were in his hair and under his baggy sweatshirt doing God-knows-what. Eric moaned as her lips ravaged over his mouth and down his neck. I stood in shock, blood draining from my body, watching the sight, Aurora’s animalistic nature unleashed, and Eric’s participation and submission to it. She said she couldn’t stand the sight of him…and now? What changed? What possibly could have changed this much?

I slammed the door shut behind me and the scene froze. Aurora slowly slunk her head around, lips glistening, and gave a weak smile. Eric, however, looked like he didn’t even notice what was going on. He couldn’t take his eyes off Aurora. Aurora straightened herself on Eric’s lap, pushing back her mess of hair and pulling down the edge of her shirt the rest of the way.

“Sandy,” she said, laying on the guilty sweetness. “I thought you were staying out until eight.”

“No, I told you seven.” My words were hard and cold, like ice. I glared at both of them. Eric finally looked like he realized what was going on. His eyes slowly widened and his jaw slowly dropped. “Fine, whatever, both of you, continue on with what you were doing. But not on my chair!”

“Actually, Eric was just leaving,” Aurora stated as she stood from his lap. “Eric, go.”

He made some attempt at speech but failed and left the room. It was obvious from his hunched back, that he was trying to be invisible. A little late for that. He quietly shut the door behind him.

“So, you two are back together. Would have been nice if you warned me.” I crossed my arms and stared her in the eye.

She closed her eyes, trying to look as angelic as possible. “Sandy, it just happened. He came to me and I just couldn’t be without him any longer.”

“What about all those things you said? You said that you couldn’t stand to look at him, that he betrayed you. You said you
despised
him.”

“Well, Sandy, you’ll understand someday when
you
fall in love. Now, I’m going to the movies. I’ll see you later.” Aurora left the room. She sounded like she was mocking me. Was she? She…I said seven, because she said she was leaving at seven thirty. She knew that, right? She was the one who begged me to come back then, so she could have me “help” her get ready. I looked at our whiteboard on our door. It said seven; I had written “back at seven.” She knew, and she lied straight to my face.

She made out with him on my chair. She was mocking me.
She knows how I feel and she’s trying to make me feel worse.
She wanted to be found. I bet she even lied about her rebound date. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have learned to trust that whore again? I knew what she was like inside. Why was it so easily forgotten? Why did I trust her? Never again.

I will never trust her again. She can’t fool me anymore.

This is the end.

Tuesday came, the last day of fall finals. I entered my classroom. Eric was there but I was sure to sit as far from him as possible. Eric’s face turned to a bright red when he noticed who had entered. I was glad to see he felt embarrassed about the other night. Maybe I hadn’t been wrong to trust him. When I finished my exam, I left and went directly to my room. Aurora was there, lounging on her bed with a magazine and hot tea, and I was glad. There was something that I had to tell her.

“Aurora, it seems we won’t be sharing a dorm next semester,” I told her, struggling to keep a smile from my face. “I found a new roommate.” Well, I hadn’t found her. Elijah had. I asked him for help and he set me up with a girl from his nutrition class.

Aurora almost choked on the tea she had been sipping. “What? Why? I thought we got over Eric.”

“Um, yeah. I just would feel a little uncomfortable with him coming in and out all the time, like before. I don’t want to, uh, cramp your style.”

“Sandy!” she said, sitting up, hands on her hips as if she was taking to her cat, Whisky.
What a stupid name.
“There’s no problem with that! Stay! I don’t want another roommate.”

“Sorry, Aurora. I’m just trying to put things right,” I said with my best attempt at fake sincerity, and she fell for it. She smiled sadly and nodded slowly.

I dropped the last box onto the sidewalk. I wouldn’t be permitted to switch rooms until I got back from winter break, but I still had to move out of my current room ASAP. It was more of an inconvenience than anything. I didn’t really care, though. I didn’t have many belongings in my dorm, and for that I was thankful. Just clothes, a few electronics, and books, really. Aurora would have a much harder time when the spring semester ended, with her mirrors, TV, coffee maker, mini-fridge, even furniture.

I sat down on the curb outside to wait for Todd. I had asked him over the phone to pick me up. I didn’t want to ride with Aurora, and I didn’t feel like explaining to my parents why Aurora wasn’t bringing me. They loved her. I had expected I would have to beg Todd to come, but I barely asked before he said yes. He didn’t make fun of me or complain one bit.

Todd’s crappy car pulled up to the curb I rested on, the engine of the rusted white car rattling loudly before me. He pulled the keys out and strode over, hands deep in the pockets of his faded black hoodie.

“Need me to carry anything?” He looked so serious that it made me a little nervous. I nodded slowly.

I sat silently in the passenger seat as Todd drove. We stopped at a red light. He grabbed a cigarette out of his pocket and shoved the end in his mouth, then changed his mind and tossed it to the floor of the car. Instead, he turned on the stereo, filling the Chevy with the sound of heavy guitar and drums. His expression was somber, like he was the deepest person in the world. As we approached a bridge that led over a small waterway, I could see he was holding his breath anxiously. Still afraid of drowning. Once, not long after he moved into my home, my mom forced him to come with us to the beach. It was a lake we would visit a few times each summer. Todd refused to go near the water. His fear was so obvious that Aurora and I caught on instantly and tormented him for weeks about it.

As we completed our journey over the bridge, Todd finally spoke: “So, what happened to Aurora?”

“What?” I asked.

“Not that I don’t enjoy spending hours in silence with you here, but I figured you would go home with her.”

I shook my head. “I hate her.”

“Oh, okay.” He said it so matter-of-factly that I burst out laughing at him.

“You are so crazy!” I laughed. “Oh, okay,” I imitated him, using his deep voice. He smiled a little.

A techno beat sounded over the rock music. I looked to Todd as he answered his ringing cell phone.

“Hey,” he said, holding the steering wheel with one hand and the phone in the other as he drove us down the highway. I looked out the window, wanting to look like I wasn’t listening in…even though I kinda was.

“No, mom,” Todd said gruffly. “I’m not gonna sleep with
Janet
.” My ears instantly perked up, eavesdropping intently now. “I don’t care if she has a yacht,” Todd continued. “Who says she would invite
you
anyway?”

He fell silent for a while, listening patiently. She must not have seriously asked him to do what it sounded like she was asking. If she was, Todd would rip into her, wouldn’t he?

“Well, it didn’t end too well the last time we hooked up,” Todd told his mom. “What do you mean, what?” he demanded, anger starting to become apparent in his brow. “I got arrested, remember? No, not that time. Indecent exposure. Remember?”

He listened quietly and I could see that he was now physically attempting to quell his anger. He held the phone away from his ear for a moment, taking a break from his mom’s chatter, breathing in deeply through his nose, with his mouth closed into a tight scowl. He placed the phone against his ear again, back to listening.

“This is fuckin’ ridiculous,” Todd swore. “You’re pimping out your son for a boat ride.” I could hear his mom loudly through the phone now but couldn’t quite make out what she was saying. I hated hearing only one side of the conversation. Aurora did this all the time.

“I said no,” Todd grated. “Goddammit. Just shut it, mom.
Shut it,
” he pressed. “Alright,” he added calmly. “I love you too. Bye.” Todd hung up his phone, tossing it in the car’s drink holder like nothing had happened.

“Indecent exposure?” I asked, not even thinking he might get angry with me.

“Yeah.” He shifted in his seat but continued on nonchalantly, “Let that be a lesson. When you give it up, do it with someone who isn’t gonna ditch you for their ex five minutes later. Or you’ll end up high, naked, and running through your neighborhood yelling, ‘I’m not a virgin, who wants to fuck me?’” Todd glanced at me with a smirk. “Just sayin’. It might happen.”

“Did you really?” I asked, stifling a laugh. It wasn’t that it was funny, just surprising to picture.

“
No.
But if I did, I’d be thirteen. And it would be hilarious. Until the cops came,” he told me, then, shaking his head, he corrected his slip, “…or…
come
.”

I smiled awkwardly, feeling kinda bad for him. I decided to keep it to myself. He was much more likely to get angry over pity than curiosity. Instead, I said nothing. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. It was the first time I could remember that we had had a conversation without arguing.

An ex… Todd must have really liked her. I couldn’t think of one time Todd lost it over a girl. The constant parade of tramps he snuck in late at night never merited even a mention on his most talkative days. He never seemed to care about anyone. Although, he was just thirteen then. I was eighteen now, much more mature, and Eric ditching me for Aurora hurt me so much. And we didn’t even sleep together. Just kissed. And kissed…

The phone rang again, pulling me out of my thoughts. Todd reached for his cell, glancing at the glowing number. “Again?” he complained.